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Child Abuse Story From Confused

by Confused
(New York, USA)

I don't know if I've ever been abused, but I have been going through a lot in my life. I have tried to kill myself several times, almost succeeded. I have major depression. I have some issues with my mother. My sister and brothers treat me like a stepchild. My mother never taught me anything when I was little. She didn't teach me about sex, menstrual cycles, or anything. Everything I know, I've learned from off the streets, my friends or from experience. After I'd been married 2 times and after having 3 children, she decided to try to step in to be a mother to me. I was a full-fledged adult. What could she have taught me that I didn't already know?

I have seen several physiatrists and several counsellors for years. We can't come up with an answer. My mother treated me very badly. All the counsellors say it was some sought of abuse. Something my mother did to me. I've wracked my brain trying to figure this thing out, but I've come up with nothing. This has been bothering me for years and is still bothering me, but not as much any more. I've learned to focus on Jesus and what He's been through, and He gives me strength to go on each time. What I have been through is nothing compared to what He has been through. That's what helps me make it through the day. I have to pray to God and ask Him to help me to forget this thing so that I can go on with my life. I was on the road to destruction.

I asked my mother on several occasions if I was abused, but she just ignored me and refused to talk about it. Now that she's dead, I will never find out. It has been eating me up for years. I have to forgive my mother and try to get on with my life, but somehow I keep going back to that same situation. It's like I'm stuck in a hole and can't get out. There are times when I do get out of the hole, but somehow fall back in. I have stressed myself out to the fullest.

I am 40 years old. I now have high blood pressure, I've got ulcers, I have high cholesterol, and I suffer major depression for which I have to take very high doses of medication. I have incontinence, problems with my eyes, and my heart. I was recently diagnosed with diabetes. I can go on, but that would be a book.

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Comments for
Child Abuse Story From Confused

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Dec 30, 2007
 Looking for answers...
by: Darlene Barriere - webmaster

You can't force memories. Nor should you force them. Doing so would not necessarily bring about any peace or contentment in your life, especially now that your mother is gone.

The trick to moving forward with your life is making the decision to not let anything from your past control you. It's making the decision that you will take your power back. It's making a conscious decision each and every day that you will make the most of every hour of that day.

Yes, you could spend the rest of your days going in and out of therapy sessions, looking for answers; but then what? The therapist makes money, but you're no further ahead. There comes a point when therapy is no longer the answer. That might sound strange coming from me, the one who urges most to get some form of counselling. But trust me when I say that seeing one counsellor after another, trying to find answers to something you can't remember is counter-productive. You're forty years old; it's time to find some joy in your life. You deserve joy in your life. And so do the people in your life you are charged with taking care of.

If we think positive thoughts, positive things will happen for us. If we think nothing but negative, then negative is all we will experience. Remember that tomorrow is a promise to no one.
Dec 30, 2007
 Re:Confused
by: Brian

I can't tell you,if you were abused or not.What I can tell you is that abuse comes in many forms,other than mental or physical.

If a parent,mother or father doesn't provide the necessities a child needs to survive and cope in life.Than this is considered a form of abuse,it is the responsibility of both parents to provide a safe,loving environment,where the children are nurtured and educated about life,so they are capable living on their own and lead productive lives as adults.

Forgiveness,is about forgiving yourself for believing you deserved to be abused and that somehow it was your fault.
Forgiveness,is about having faith in God,and in yourself to overcome the effects of abuse.

I forgave my father,for all the yrs of abuse,but I did this for me,I didn't ask God to forgive him,I forgave him,and I ask God forgiveness for myself to cleanse my soul of the belief,that I was worthless and deserved to be abused all those yrs.

As a son I always love my father as sons do, but to be denied a fathers love and to be abused and hated is unforgivable.

Forgiveness,for me was finding that spiritual being inside of me.That same spiritual being that is inside of you.

We were all born spiritual beings,born of innocence and purity into this world.What happens along the way is that spiritual being gets lost as we learn to live in a humanistic society.

We are spiritual beings first,and human beings second.When you become that spiritual being,it will help you to understand the humanistic values and ways of life you learned,and put them into perspective.

This will help you to overcome these beliefs,and live a whole productive life,as a spiritual being.

It starts by forgiving yourself,and believing in yourself,and your faith in God,and your faith in you.

I wish you the best,and you have our love and support.
Feb 05, 2008
 Of course something is wrong!
by: Debra

I was especially struck by the comments about your' siblings treating you differently. Often times in abusive families, there is a Target Child. I was also that child in my own family growing up. You, as the Target Child are the one who gets blamed for everything, no matter how small. Neglect is also a form of abuse. Brian summed it up very well in his post. You don't have to be hit with a belt to feel the hurt. Children crave the approval and love of their parents. It is an important as eating is to their well being and developement. Too not have it is every bit as abusive as withholding food or water. I am 49 yrs. old now and am seeing a therapist again tomorrow. I though I had put this to rest a long time ago. Then, a "trigger" has brought back those feelings of abandonment.
I am no Dr. but I would say without a doubt you were invalidated as a child. Made to feel unimportant and probably guilty for just plain being alive. It's hard. Real hard. At this point in time I am NOT looking to forgive anyone. I am looking to put it in it's proper place. If and I do mean IF, not holding my breath...they would ever offer a heart felt ounce of responsibility, then yes, I would wholeheartedly forgive them. Until then, I'm working on my own knee-jerk reactions in my own life. I am also not having much to do with any of my family right now. I deserve respect and I guess it's gonna have to come from myself. And, that's okay. hugs to you.

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