Child Abuse Story From Clare
by Clare F.
(Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom)
My Life:
I was born in Cambridge, England on the 2nd of April 1995. I lived in a small house there for two years with my mum and dad, and my older brother and sister. When I was 2 1/2 we moved to Kent.
When I was 3, I was sexually abused by our gardener. Every Tuesday until I was 6 he would abuse me, making me do things to him. He would do things to me, and then he would make me have sex with him. I was so young. I didn't know what was happening. I remember everything so vividly.
Almost every night I have nightmares about him, and picture his face and evil eyes the whole way through the day. I've only ever told one person...we go to school together and she's so supportive. But whenever I see him, he smiles at me in a way that makes me remember what he told me, "If you ever tell anyone, I'll kill you. No one would believe you, and they would all hate you for lying. You don't have any proof." When I started school full-time, everything stopped...
...until I was about 8 or 9. My cousin, who is now 18, used to be so nice to me and made me feel special. I trusted him to look after and care for me. Until one day, he betrayed my trust. My whole family was meeting at my grannies house, as it was the day she was handing it over to my uncle. There was a swing in the garden, one that was shaped a bit like a basket. All of us kids used to sit in it and spin round or swing on it. It was hidden at the bottom of the garden and all the trees and bushes blocked it from site of anyone else. No one could see you from the house.
While everyone was watching telly, my cousin said he would take me out to the swing to play, as he knew I was bored. When we got out there, we played for a little while, and then he sat down in the swing and told me to sit in his lap. He told me about the next game we were going to play. Part of the game was if I made him happy he would do it to me. Not knowing better, I agreed to play. He said he got to choose what I had to do.
First, it was just kissing. He said it wasn't making him as happy as he had to be to make me happy. He said I had to do something different. He wanted me to use my mouth and my hands. I didn't know any better. I did as told and got on with the game. As I got tired, I begged him to let me stop. He shouted at me. He grabbed hold of my jaw. He made me wallow every last drop. Then he lifted my top and licked and rubbed my chest, and then other parts. He put his finger inside. I told him it hurt. Then he raped me. It hurt so much. I begged him to stop, but he wouldn't listen. Then he told me that we would play this game again and that I was to tell no one of what we had done and that it was our little secret. He walked me back to the house, holding my hand. Everything seemed exactly as it was before. I tried to imagine that nothing bad had happened. In a weird way, I kinda felt special, as if I was a part of the older kid's 'gang'. This was repeated on numerous occasions.
I still love my cousin dearly, and although I have not seen him in over a year, in my head I have forgiven him. I know what he did can never really be forgiven or forgotten, but I'm trying very hard to do both of these.
Should I tell someone about this? I don't want to get my cousin in trouble, but I don't mind about the other person. Please help me!
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