Child Abuse Story From Ciel

by Ciel
(London, England)

From the "Unknown" Me: 
I'm 18, and I think I need to let it out, even if anonymously. Maybe it will make me feel somewhat better for a minute.

My mother is French, and my father is British. Also, they were never married. We had a house in London, but during my short life, I've moved 9 times; always came back to London after a while. I've only attended normal school for one year (14-15 years old), and was mostly home-schooled by my uncle, who taught me only science, chemistry and biology, because almost every man from my dad's family is a doctor. Nevertheless, the importance of "being" a part of my family is the main issue, meaning that my dad (mum too at some point) thinks that if you're born into a certain family, then you're "in it" till you die. I have this mark on the upper right side of my back stating it. It's the family's logo. I don't know what this kind of thing is called, but they use it on cows; burning a number into their body. I can't remember how much it hurt, but it has a date on it, and it states 1996, so I was 4.

I have been sexually abused by my father for as long as I can remember. I was 6 when he did it for the first time (I think), and then continued on. He's taken money from other men, and let them have me. He didn't mind if they hit me; he found it amusing to use violence on me himself. My back is full of scars, as he's beaten me countless times. He even went as far as putting a blindfold on me, handcuffing me, and locking me in a room for hours until he got home.

My mother always slept with other men, and he didn't mind. She never cared about anything. She's a drug addict, and when she had something she wasn't sure of, she tested it on me first. She's made me cut myself, saying it would make me feel better. And would it really...

I don't live with them anymore; when I was 10 a stranger came into our house. Now I know that he is 9 years older than me, and quite wealthy. My parents sold me to him, and said that he can pick me up once I turn 12. I don't know how much he's paid them. All I know that the 2 years of waiting for him were the worst, because I was abused on a daily basis. I moved in with that man when at 12. He was better than my father, because as long as I didn't oppose, he was gentle and treated me right. He even gave me a nice room, and a tutor, saying that he'll give me anything I want as long as I do what he wants. I've tried to escape from his house, but it was useless. He hasn't been as violent as my family, but made me do indecent things, while my dad just wanted to f**k and beat me up. All those years, and living with him, I have grown to "love" him, if you can call that love. I mean, he's a gentleman if I'm obedient. But has his outbursts of his own whenever there's someone looking at me the wrong way. I swear he has the eyes of a killer; and God knows if he hasn't killed anyone.

The reason of posting this? He's not home; he doesn't spend much time on-line, especially on stuff like this. And I feel myself growing more and more "insane" when I think about it all. I wanted to lose my mind, because if you're crazy then you don't suffer as much. I wish I could be born again, but I know I can't. I'm incapable of suicide, and I also don't want to become an adult since people expect adults to be responsible, whilst I'm lost, clumsy, and like my father said once, "good for nothing". I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either. And I would never go to see a doctor and say this to their face, because if I did, I think I'd just die right there on that chair in the office.

It just all feels so...unreal.

And I see myself falling apart whenever I look into the mirror. I don't even know who I am...whom I could be...and this is only a short summary of what's happened.

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