Child Abuse Story From Chuck

by Chuck
(Portsmouth, New Hampshire, USA)

I am a fifty-year-old man who within the last couple of months in 2007 realized through the help of going to therapy that I was abused as a child. I was abused physically and mentally by my father, sexually abused by many different adults who abused their authority over me over the years. I was abandoned by both of my parents and when I was out by myself, I realize now that being a child younger than the age of ten that I was a prime target for all different types of abuse. I have been used and abused by many people in order to satisfy their own needs at my expense. There is still a chunk of time I can't account for, only bits and pieces from my cruel past. So far, I can remember over ten different events involving different people at various ages.

The last series of events occurred when I was about 14 or 15. This manager (Herb) and I worked at a toy store (in Mt Kisco, NY) of all places. One day, Herb had me straightening and cleaning a storage area, and I found a stash of girlie magazines. He catches me in the act and I beg him not to tell anyone. He never told anyone about me, outside his circle of friends. So, for many months, a friend would visit him, and I would be introduced to this friend and I wouldn't or couldn't say no. During these events, I was excited and even enjoyed parts of the events, and of course there were parts that I didn't care much for too. I have years of guilt, shame, problems with relationships, and feeling numb about my feelings. As a matter of fact, I have told a couple of people aside from my therapist about my abuse, and I still feel numb.

I am angry that I have wasted so many years of my life feeling numb and not knowing why I always felt different. Now, I am also going through a period of not being sure about my sexual orientation, if I should stay married (after 27 years to the same person), who I really am and what I want to be when I grow up.
I often wonder how I made it through life to end up here. At my age, I find it difficult that I have to almost re-learn and learn so much about myself in order to have a more meaningful life in the twilight of my life.

After I typed this story and have read it a couple of times now, I don't have any emotion, maybe a little sad, but for the most part I'm still numb.

I see to my therapist almost every week and I am waiting for enough men to sign up for a men's support group. I find that my one-hour session with my therapist goes by so fast each week. We are still trying to find a way in order to break this very hard and numb shell I have accumulated over the last 40 or so years.

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