Child Abuse Story From Christina1 - A Poem

by Christina
(Philadelphia, USA)

I've already shared my story... I just want to share this poem (of sorts)... I am FEELING EVERY WORD RIGHT NOW.

How could you hurt me so badly?
I trusted you, looked up to you and wanted you to love me
I just wanted a hug
I’d try to get better grades
And I’d tiptoe around on egg shells
Just to make you happy
I’d dodge your hits
Your punches, kicks and your grabs
I’d take that beating and cower in the corner
I’d hide from you
I never laughed too afraid of your revenge
I never looked for solace from you
I never talked to you about my dreams
I don’t know that I had any
I told anyone I admired you
I promised myself that I would never know anyone else like you
You broke me
My spirit
My soul
My mind
You broke me
Into a million little pieces
Sharp shards of glass everywhere
Like a porcelain doll that has been dropped and shattered
Remember that day you stabbed me?
Remember when you pulled me across the living room by my hair
And threw me on the floor - i was 8
Beat me until I couldn’t move
And then you stabbed me in my head?
You saw the blood gushing and you told me you’d "hoped I’d die"
I still remember the blood that dripped from my clothes
I told myself I would never cause myself so much misery
With every punch, you stole a piece of me
With every angry word, you broke my heart
With disgust in your eyes, I’d just go away
You told me you HATED ME and I SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN BORN
I believed you
I started to think the same thing
I grew up thinking I was nobody. Nothing. And would never be anything.
I grew up with a hole in my heart
Empty
I grew up longing for a friend.

Ridiculed, abandoned, abused and neglected.
I feel so COLD inside. I want to vomit
What hurts the MOST… I find myself becoming YOU
How PITIFUL
I do not know HOW TO SHOW LOVE
I do not know HOW TO HUG
I do not know how to OPEN MY HEART
So I push everyone away
I push them with this "toughness" I portray.
When really I am dying inside
When really I am lonely and dying for their love
WHEN REALLY I WAS DYING FOR YOUR LOVE.
OH… this pain still haunts me
30 years later
Because of you, I am broken inside
Because of you I am crying
Because of you I am lost, afraid and alone
I used to love you so much, no matter WHAT you did.
I used to love you and every night I’d say a prayer that you’d love me
As I grew older, I began to despise you
Now, I cringe when you’re near
And what is the saddest is I am teaching that to my son
I WILL NEVER ABUSE HIM LIKE YOU DID ME
But I do not know how to hug him
I do not know how to hold him
And I have that coldness in my heart
God have mercy on your soul
For all pain you caused me
GOD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL for the pain I feel
I’m sorry I wasn’t what you wanted.
I’m sorry I was born, Mom.
I’m sorry.

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