Child Abuse Story From Chrissie

by Chrissie
(United Kingdom)

My mum and dad split up after my mum gave birth to me, to find my dad in bed with her best friend. He use to hit my mum before she had me though. So that wasn't the best start to my life. However, my mum still stuck by me and let me have my dad in my life. I'd get to see him whenever I wanted, go shopping just going out and having a good time, the normal thing to do.

I would stop at his place on the weekends. That's where it started going wrong. I can't quite remember just how old I was, maybe about 10 until the age of 13 when it completely stopped for some reason. We'd watch movies, go on the computer, usual stuff. Until bedtime. I'd lie with my eyes closed but still wide awake, waiting and praying maybe not tonight. But it always happened and I did nothing to stop it, just froze in fear. I made excuses. I'd wake up really easily if I heard a noise, I went and took my dog down many occasions and said if any one comes near me at night she'll bark, but he never stopped.

I didn't confide in anyone, and even to this day no one knows, apart from my ex boyfriend who I was with for 4 years.

At first I didn't want to let anyone know. I thought I'd be blamed for not fighting against it, for not stopping him. I tried to ban it from my memory but it'll never fade away no matter how much I try.

I turned to self harm for comfort. Wasn't a great idea because it's a drowning spiral. I hated me for his tortured sick mind.

I didn't really join in much at school, especially in P.E. because of my bandages and plasters I always wore. I felt out of place everywhere I went, and as though everyone knew.

I didn't and still don't communicate with people very often about my feelings and have more trouble socialising with others.

I tried suicide on many occasions, like overdoses and cutting too deep, but then I'd panic. That's when I realised it's not fair on my mum and family that are here and I do want to live. I still get down like that sometimes, but then I think I can overcome this. I just have to try harder.

So over all it did happen and no amount of trying to forget and erase it will work. It's just something you have to live with I suppose. In the end it has made me stronger.

I don't trust people as quickly, which may be a good thing. I haven't talked to my dad since I was 15. I'm now 17 nearly 18. He got with my best friend's mum and was too occupied with his new family, which I don't mind. He never really wanted me anyway. I've got my mum, stepdad, sister and the rest of my family and that's all that I need in life...just can't give up
xox

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