Child Abuse Story From Charles B

by Charles
(San Diego, USA)

I am 15 years old, male, and living in an abusive household. Ever since I can remember, my father has always been the one to beat me up, criticize me to no end, and always belittle me, all whilst praising my sister. I finally have decided to do research and I came across this website. I have never really known whether or not I was being abused or not. I had no idea this wasn't normal. My dad acts extremely kind and caring when company is around or when he is meeting someone other than my family, but as soon as it comes to my family, and especially me, a monster erupts from inside of him. Because of his kindness to others, I just assumed my friends' parents were also only kind on the outside while actually being really mean on the inside. Now I see that it is wrong.

I'm still kind of afraid to call for help with one of the hot-lines or something because I'm not sure what will happen. Every day I try SO hard to be nice to my dad to hopefully bring about a good mood, but it never works and he is only happy when I am sad. I noticed this the other day when I had to help him put up Christmas lights. I was standing underneath the ladder handing him anything that he told me to get for him, and I was quite content because we were outside and I knew he was always "fake" when others were watching. But as soon as I accidentally knocked over a small packet of hooks he burst out screaming. He literally screamed at me for 1 hour and 12 minutes (Nowadays I make sure keep track of the time), he was constantly saying how that if my sister was helping, she wouldn't have dropped it or that if I was stronger and more of a son, then I would be able to help him out more like any "normal" boy should. I hate how he says a "normal" boy is able to help his dad. I help my dad to no end trying constantly to not upset him and follow through with all of his commands, but no matter how hard I try, he ALWAYS lashes out on me. I am pretty sure that I am gay too, so this doesn't help at all with the equation. Anytime I go to hang out with a friend (which happens maybe once every few months), my dad constantly makes fun of me saying stuff like, "Going to hang out with that imaginary friend eh!" and it really upsets me.

Another thing is that because I'm constantly in my room, one way that I find happiness is through drawing and painting. I am quite good at both and mostly everyone at my school thinks that I am some artistic freak. So, the other day I decided to make a painting to go in my room; my sister liked the idea and wanted to paint with me. At first I didn't mind, but my dad likes my sister and always sides with her on any type of issue. Anyways, we got to work painting and she was drawing an aboriginal dot art picture of a turtle and I decided to draw a very serene looking yet lifeless tree all in shades of grey and white. My dad came outside to look at our paintings and immediately smiled and walked over to my sister's painting and started complimenting almost everything about it, even though my sister is no artist at all. He then walked over to mine, looked at it, grunted, then went inside to grab a cigarette and start smoking. He never complimented mine at all and so I just finished and hung it in my room. Later on that very same day, he went into my sister's room and told her quietly, "Your painting is way better than your brother's painting" but he didn't know that I was listening. He has never said anything like this to me and I just wish I would get occasional compliments, ya know?

Another thing, since I'm 15 I really thought that I would be over the whole crying phase, but in the past few months I have cried almost every week. I silently suffer in my room just staring at the wall. I also plot ways that I could just quickly end my suffering, but I'm always too scared to follow through with them. Just like I am too scared to bring back anything less than an A+ on my report card. Currently I am taking 3 AP classes and 3 Honors classes and so as you can tell, my courses are really taking a toll on me this year, and it is much harder to keep up with the A+'s I used to get. I mostly get A's now and my dad still thinks this isn't good enough. I tell him that I tried so hard and he just shrugs it off, lights a cigarette, and goes outside to smoke. I'm just SO SICK OF THIS! I just wish it would stop. Now it's happening more frequently and I'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything. It also doesn't help that I am SO socially awkward. I don't know how to talk to the people in my grade, I NEVER have anything to talk about when I talk to someone at school, most people think I'm really boring, and honestly I really don't know how to react to emotions at all. I never am excited, happy, joyous, or anything like that. Even though I know I am supposed to feel it in some situations, it's just so fake. The only emotions I do have are anger and complete and utter sadness. But I never show these emotions and I have trained myself to cry with a completely straight face. I don't know why I do this, but it's just what I do. I just wish I didn't have to go through any of this. It's really ruining my life as I have absolutely zero social skills. I am SO awkward with people and I am constantly living in fear of my dad. AHHHHH. I wish I had a different dad. :(

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