Child Abuse Story From Cassie
by Cassandra
(Ohio, USA)
I was wondering for awhile how do I even start. How do I even begin. It started from the sexual abuse to the emotional then to the physical abuse. You know whats worse is that im 17. I never had the chance to enjoy my child hood. I'll go to sleep at night having dreams of trying to tell my mom what my dad had done and what my sister had done and no one believing me and that I was a liar. But in the end I think that it does no good to tell a soul. But I want to get out and branch out to enjoy my life but on my mothers emotional abuse with me she said that she wont let me because she will be heartbroken and I will go know where in life.
It started out when my sister and I used to share a room together. And i was so young that I didnt know better. I was probably about 5. She always use to have me rub her back and everything. but my sister decided to take it to far one time. She wanted a head to toe massage. I'd rub her back and then say what next. she said stomach, feet, legs etc. Then she asked me to rub her breasts. and I did as told. Then she asked me to kiss them. lick them. Then she asked me to go down on her. I had no idea what that ment so i asked her. "let me show you" was what she said. and she showed me "Doesnt that feel good?" she said. Me not knowing better did what I was told.. It was probably a few years later that I finally figured out what had happened to me and that what she did was completely wrong and I feel embarrassed about what she had me do so I keep it to myself. Im so much older now that even if I tell someone nothing will get solved...
After that my sister moved out of my room and into a different room. I still slept with her for comfort reasons I was young and I didnt want to sleep alone but I didnt want to sleep with my parents either. I remember someone coming into the room at night and putting there hands down my underwear. The hands were big and rough. and I had my brother who was three years older than me so it couldnt have been him I was only 7 or so. So I put two and two together and finally realized those big rough hands were the hands of a construction worker.. my dad.. After that happened I was kind of quiet.. My dad would ask to give me back rubs while my mom was away and he'd rub my back and it felt like he was reaching to grab my boobs or trying to slightly put his hands down my pants without me noticing which made me feel really uncomfortable.. He'd ask all the time when my mom was away.. it finally stopped after last year. There would be times where he would just come up hug me and slightly put his hands down my pants. I didnt like that at all so I tried to avoid him. I dont know why someone could do things like this to there daughter. It scars me because i feel like its in the past nothing can fix it now..
My mom and dad as I was growing up yelled at me all the time. Ive herd things from "Im going to f***ing kill you" to "Your going to go know where in life.." I mean it sucks. My dad has grabbed me and yelled at me. Grabbed my face and yelled at me spitting in my face. its not fun to to look back on thinking yeah thats my child hood.. I think I finally had enough when we all moved in with my grandmother. She was an undiagnosed bi-polar because she thinks nothings wrong with her. I delt with her for a year. I had her throwing things at me calling me a spoiled brat. To having my aunt come over for christmas pinning me up against a wall screaming at me because i asked my grandma why she hated me so much.. Child services has been called on my family twice. But I was never aloud to be alone with them to tell them my story. Ive never told anyone about all the sexual abuse I went through. I just feel like theres no use.. My family is all I have. But I do feel like i need to get far away from them for awhile in order to find myself.
My mom she means well. With all the things that were going on I self medicated. Trying to find other ways to not think about everything by smoking marijuana. Drinking. Doing pills. Cutting myself Burning myself. anyway to try to get out of this hell I wanted to try it. It was no use I just ended up in a psychiatrist office. Which of course I never opened up too. I just open up to the emotional abuse and my psychiatrist saw a problem there tried to talk to my parents about it with just them two and she said that wont help her shes the one with the problems not us. and I never saw him again. But I told her i'd like to move out when im 18. Which is in 4 months. And she said no because im setting herself up for a heartbreak.. i do not have money. i do have a job. But Its just I wanna be far away from them I cant keep living like this because it hurts me having dreams all the time about what happened. I feel like I cant get over this unless I get away. I never got a child hood. Im now homeschooled I get my diploma in early august. But I never can get out of this house and I drive myself into insanity just sitting here in my room. My parents get upset if I leave. saying "you dont wanna be here with me" or you dont love me" and its not fair for me. My goal for myself is to try to tell my stories to middle school and high school kids. I dont want anyone to have the life that I have. I want them to enjoy there time being a kid. I dont want them to sit there like I did and and not tell anyone. You can get help.. But now Im just searching for my freedom and trying to find me.. Which is a harder task since im almost 18 still dealing with this pain.
Thank you for listening..
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