Child Abuse Story From Cassandra
by Cassandra
My oldest sister is ten years older than me. She left home when she was seventeen because she had enough of my parents fighting with each other. They were never violent, and it was Mum who usually did the yelling. She always said the worst things to me, no matter who she was mad at. I was always the one who seemed to catch the focus of her anger, and I was the one who reacted most to her words. It was as if she was never satisfied till I was in tears. My childhood after that gets a bit fuzzy. I was sexually abused by my brothers at different points of my life. My eldest brother started touching and 'playing' with me when I was seven or eight. At first it was touches, then he had me kiss and perform oral sex acts on him. Eventually it led to intercourse. He would even put his hands into my pants and penetrate me while my parents were driving the car. He just didn't care. I often wonder why I didn't tell then–I think deep down I was ashamed and confused. I didn't want my brother to get into trouble. I remember one of the last times he had intercourse with me–I must have been eleven or so. He used me then held me down. He called my twin in and told him to 'have a go'. Yes, my twin. At that point I was physically bigger than him, but it didn't matter. I was numb, and stayed that way for years. My twin took up the mantle, so to speak. While he never initiated intercourse with me, he would grab at my breasts, strip me naked, watch me in the shower, force me to endure oral sex from him, as well as fondle me while I slept. All throughout these years (it went on till I left home at eighteen) I was being belittled by my mother, yelled at, slapped and pretty much treated like I was below everyone else. I remember attempting to tell her when I was thirteen about what was going on. I had barely broken into the conversation before she cut me off and told me I shouldn't listen to rumors. It took me nine years to be able to speak of it to anyone again. I ended up writing my mother a note, telling her what had happened, a couple of years ago. She, well, she pretended that I hadn't left the note. I approached her about it and was told, "What do you want me to do about it?" My relationship with my mum is getting a little better–she at least doesn't rant at me when I refuse to come to family events. It is the other problems I have that cause a lot more problems. I have guilt over my abuse–I mean, I felt dirty and at times it felt good but I didn't want it. I don't know whether it would have been easier to speak of it if my body hadn't reacted physically to what was done. I have been told that I have PTSD from counselors. I haven't gone to a psychologist to have a formal diagnosis because I can't afford it; however, I guess even knowing that I'm not crazy is some sort of relief. I spend every day with high anxiety levels, panic attacks and depression. I get stressed out enough over small things to the extent that I don't feel hungry so I don't eat. I have flashbacks and almost nightly nightmares which make me unwilling to sleep–the worst are when I wake up in a dark room thinking that some one is touching me. My poor partner (who is very understanding) has been hit by me far too many times when I come out of a nightmare. He says it's lucky that I hit like a girl. Me, well, I still feel guilty that at times my wake up response is to fight if I'm startled. I also panic in crowds, in bathrooms and even just walking out the door. I slip into dissociative states and I self harm to the extent that my left arm and thigh are covered in scars from self inflicted cuts and burns. I survived being sexually abused, but I still feel broken on the inside at times. I feel like I'm in so many little pieces, each edge razor sharp. I might try to put the pieces back together, but it only cuts me up into so many more. Thanks for listening to my story. I hope that one day I can heal enough to function in society. Darlene's comments to this "Child Abuse Story From Cassandra" can be found at Comments below this submission. Depending on system activity, there are sometimes delays in comments going live on my site; but rest assured, they do eventually appear. So if you don't yet see them, I hope you will return later to read what I, and possibly others, have written. I thank you for your patience and understanding. Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.
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