Child Abuse Story From Caroline

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Child Abuse Story From Caroline

by Caroline
( Tucson, Arizona, USA)

When I was 7 my older brother who was 14 started sexually molesting me.

The Cause: My mom would yell at me, giving me nightmares. Telling me that if I was bad, she would put me in the oven and cook me.

The Effect: After my first nightmare, I would go to my older brother D who shared a room with my other older bro K. I would climb up on the bunk bed to where D was sleeping. After about a week, he would run his hand up and down my leg. One day he put his hand down my underwear. Not to where you would think he would, but to my butthole. After a while longer, he put his finger in me. I still remember the time he whispered in my ear "I'm going to move your underwear down, ok?"

This happened for about a month, before he lost interest and stopped doing it. I still went to his bed, but I slept on the other end. Of course, occasionally it would still happen. It stopped for real when we moved to the house we are living in now. That was 7 years ago. He moved out, but I still have nightmares about it. About my underwear down to my knees and him whispering in my ear.

I never asked for this to happen to me. Hell, if I could go back in time I would. Because right now, I crave a man's touch. I feel the need for guys to look at me and give me their attention.

Right now, I'm 14 and I've already given oral sex 3 times. And I have been close to losing my virginity a whole lot of times. Don't get me wrong, I've only done those things with 2 guys. One who I thought I loved, and one to who I love now.

I experience depression. I suffer from lack of eating sometimes. I cut. All normal things to sexual abuse victims. But I don't let that affect me. I'm normal. That's how I plan to live my life.

My brother is 21 and has 2 kids. I wonder at night, if he will do that to his boys, but I know he won't. We have a normal brother-sister relationship. And I wonder if he even remembers. I hope he does, so that he can live with that guilt. I have no plan to turn him in. Let the past remain buried. Forgotten, except from our nightmares.

Sometimes I wonder if it was all a dream, but I know deep down in my gut it really did happen. And I know that I shouldn't look to my past, but to my future. I try not to let the past affect me. I plan to live a normal life. With only my trusted friends there, to save me from myself.

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

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Child Abuse Story From Caroline

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Mar 09, 2009

Normal???
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Caroline, you have a very odd sense of what is "normal". First, it is NOT normal to "cut" and have nightmares. It is NOT normal to have eating disorders and be depressed. It is NOT normal to "crave a man's touch" when you are 14. And it is as far from normal as you can get to believe that as a 14-year-old you should be giving oral sex to ANY guy, whether or not you think you love him. This is not the way to show yourself respect; you dishonour yourself. You are worth so much more than such acts. You don't think highly enough of yourself. No matter what these boys say to you, they're not interested in you as a person; they're interested in getting you to do what they want you to do. And you're doing it!

As for your brother, you have no idea what he is or isn't doing. If he sexually assaulted his 7-year-old little sister he is VERY LIKELY STILL ASSAULTING! Sex offenders, even adolescent sex offenders like your brother, do not change their offending ways, because they are turned on by them. These aren't only your nightmares, Caroline; these will likely be nightmares for other children. And trust me: your brother hasn't forgotten anything; but he thinks you have.

As for expecting your friends keeping you safe from yourself; that is a huge responsibility to place on your friends. And as long as you continue along the path you are on, they will not be able to meet your expectations. Only YOU can do that, Caroline. Please call Child Help at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) in order to talk to someone about the sexual abuse you dealt with and the effects you are now dealing with. They are staffed 24/7 with professionally trained counsellors who will listen to you. They are not a reporting agency, although they can help you through the process of reporting if you decide to disclose what your brother did to you. You're worth that kind of help, Caroline. Your mother wasn't there for you when you needed her; in fact, she was the cause of much of your pain. Your brother took advantage of you when you turned to him. Please, turn to Child Help. You don't deserve to be going through what you're going through without someone to talk to who can offer help.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Mar 09, 2009

Big Burden For You
by: Linda

Caroline, You sure carry a big burden for such a young girl. It might help to call a helpline and get some counciling. You are way too young to let men or boys use you for oral sex. Your virginity belongs to your future husband not someone you don't love. Mine was taken from me when I was fourteen by a rapist. Once it is gone you can't get it back! Cutting yourself is a cry for help. Have you spoken to your parents about your nightmares and these feelings you are having? maybe they can help you. Your brother was wrong for what he did to you. Sounds like he suffered no remorse for what he did. God will punish him, if the police don't catch him first. I am on your side because I have been in your shoes and I know how you feel...Seek some kind of help so you can have a normal and happy life as it should be....

Mar 11, 2009

Not normal--but prevalent
by: Linda Settles

Dear Caroline,
Our society is saturated with irresponsible sexuality. When that sexuality is directed toward a child several years younger, the one who initially perpetrates it is called a sexual offender. Most adult sexual offenders molested other children as juveniles before coming of age and continuing the practice. So, as Darlene commented, it is more than likely that your brother is continuing his abusive behavior.

I know it is hard to intervene when you are in the position of a fourteen year old survivor. Most teens your age don't have the courage to tell. I know I didn't. But I think you do, Caroline, or you wouldn't have written the story on this site. You are trying to be brave and do what is right. But you need help to do it. Call the number Darlene suggested. The more you know about sexual abuse is the more you realize you can't stand by and allow it to continue. Most perpetrators do not stop unless they are caught or exposed.

Do you have a support system, hon? Someone who will believe you no matter what your brothers says? If you don't, you probably won't be strong enough to stand alone against your entire family. After all, your brother is not the only abuser in the family. You experienced severe physical and emotional abuse as well. That is why you sought comfort from your brother--as most little sisters would do.

You need help, Caroline. You need it desperately. If you don't get it you will likely be revictimized by the boyfriends that use you for their sexual gratification and others who sense your vulnerability.

Talk to someone, hon. Get help before abuse and victimization are so deeply layered that you lose yourself in them.

I sincerely hope you act now, Caroline. Your life is too precious to waste.

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Child Abuse Story From Caroline

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Child Abuse Story From Caroline