Child Abuse Story From Carol F

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Child Abuse Story From Carol F

by Carol F
(Ontario, Canada)

Unfortunately I am one of those people to have suffered such abuse...first at the hands of my mother for reasons I never knew. I always felt safe when my dad was around. That was the only time my mom never laid a hand on me. School used to be my outlet. My place to get away from the awful home life I had and away from the abuse I was exposed too. I always read a lot of books just to escape the real world. My mother blames me for everything gone wrong in her life. It seems like that to me, and I know she definitely favors her sons...my brothers...more than she does my sister and I. It shows in everything she says and does. I know I have a whole different set of rules to live by with her...like for instance...as long as I keep my mouth shut she's happy. Otherwise, if I say something she doesn't like, she disowns me until she sees fit. And she lets everyone else believe that I am the bad guy and she's the innocent one.

It wasn't only major emotional abuse my mother put me through...it was also physical abuse. She broke my arm and wrist already. And I recall times when I would try and run away and hide under the bed, but she would always get a broom or a stick to hit me with under the bed. I really believe she hates me and I always wonder why???

I was also abused by my uncle. Sexually abused. It was the most horrible experience of my life and the most painful one. I still feel shame thinking about it. I have just recently started counselling sessions, and I have to admit that it is hard work and it's draining but I am hoping it will help me deal with the abuses I have suffered at the hands of the people who are supposed to protect me and help me deal with the issues I am having in my current relationships because of the abuse. I still wonder why I feel so angry all the time, when at those times I don't have reason to be?!

I no longer want or have my mother in my life because I chose to have it like that. I think for my mental health it's better to stay away from her because all she does is bring out the bad in me and makes me feel so awful about myself and my life.

As for my uncle...I can't confront him because he died already. That kind of made me feel glad because he wasn't around to hurt anyone else anymore, and at the same time...guilty for feeling and thinking like that.

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

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Child Abuse Story From Carol F

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Mar 16, 2009

Part 1: Counselling and the line in the sand with your mother...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Carol, first thing I want to say is that I'm delighted you are in counselling. That tells me you have a willingness to treat yourself well, better than just about anyone ever has. It also tells me that you have tremendous strength; no one knows better either of us just how grueling and draining counselling can be, but we also both know how freeing it can be.

You've drawn a line in the sand with regard to a relationship with your mother; I really and truly believe that is a very healthy thing for you right now. It might not always be that way, but right now, you must focus on yourself and your own mental health. As you get stronger and more confident within yourself you may or may not decide to let her back into your life. Just to share something about my own relationship with my mother, I too drew that line in the sand. I did let her back into my life when I was in my early twenties, but she was so manipulative and controlling (she tried to get me to leave my husband, the most supportive person who has ever entered my life) so I drew that line even deeper. I was estranged from her for almost 15 years. The only reason it wasn't longer is because my mother was terminally ill with bone cancer, and as a member of my family of 2 sisters and 2 brothers, I became my mother's medical advocate. She died about 6 months later. But there was no Hollywood-type reunion, or anything truly lovey about our arrangement. I simply did what needed to be done in order to ensure her comfort and care. She had named me executrix of her will, so after her death, I ensured her wishes were honoured. There was no real love, but there was no hate either. I share this with you because I want you to know that whatever you do for yourself, as long as you did it in your own best interest, then it's the right thing to do.

See Part 2: Your uncle and emotions... below.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Mar 16, 2009

Part 2: Your uncle and emotions...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

As for your feelings about your uncle...completely understandable. I too would get a great deal of relief knowing my sexual abuser could no longer abuse me or others. In fact, I myself and delighted that he can no longer abuse little girls. So for goodness sake, don't beat yourself up about that. Regarding a confrontation, it is my position that they don't work. They don't yield the results victims seek. They are rife with denials, minimizations, or worse, they end with the abuser blaming the victim; all of this serves to re-victimize. As you move through the process of counselling, perhaps you and your counsellor can do a mock confrontation with this uncle, one done within the confines and safety of the session. I did this in therapy myself, with both my mother and father; very cathartic indeed. I do hope you'll stay in counselling. With your positive attitude, you'll get a great deal from it.

The seemingly endless and "without reason" anger and hostility you feel are a direct relationship to the feelings you had to suppress as a child. Allow yourself to feel them, Carol, in the safety of your sessions and when you are alone. I found when this happened that I sometimes had to remove myself from a situation (going into the bathroom was a help to me) so that I could give myself a few minutes to just "loose it". If I felt I needed more and couldn't do it safely, I would give myself permission to have my meltdown when I got home. Sometimes that was easier said than done, as my emotions would surface uncontrollably. But giving yourself permission might be helpful most of the time; it was for me.

And just for the record, Carol, you have nothing to feel guilt or shame for. Guilt and shame lies squarely on the shoulders of your molesting uncle. He was the adult; you were the child. As an adult, he not only knew better, he took full advantage of your youth and your vulnerabilities. For that, he will pay a serious karmic debt.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Mar 16, 2009

Carol F:
by: maurice.

Carol F. great you are in counselling, yes it is tough and painful but it will do you the world of good by staying the course. I have many friends who gave up because it was too much for them and are doing their best to have the courage to continue with it. Those who have died will nevr know now the awful hurt they've caused us whom they abused. Forgiveness of a kind is my way of letting them out of my life and out of my mind. dealing with my own abuse even during when the person was alive was difficult as I did not accept he abused me bacause. He was well dead when I through the help of friends and professional people said, yes I was abused. Carol be brave, be strong persevere with your counselling. Your lucky I hope that you can afford it or is there means by which you can be counselled for free.??

Note from Darlene: Maurice, you'll note I removed your email address from the title field above. I have a strict policy that does not allow personal information such as email addresses, street addresses, phone/cell numbers, etc. within submissions or comments. This is to ensure the safety of all who visit on this site, since there is no way for me to know who is visiting. I thank you for your understanding.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Mar 17, 2009

similar
by: touched2mysoul

I read your story and the first lines I found familiar. It was my mom that abused me.. it was my dad that i made me feel safe. I too have drawn the line in the sand with my mother and i commend you for the strenght it takes to make decisions that you need to make to keep you safe. Cutting all ties with ones mother is very difficult even with abuse as being the reason. A mothers love is something we all cherish, expect and need. Take care of yourself... I wish you the best and thank you for sharing your story... i read it at a time that i needed to see similiarity in life... Though our stories are not exactly the same... there is a relating that i found and it helps to find that... it makes one feel not so alone.
I wish for you more love than your heart can hold.

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Child Abuse Story From Carol F

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Child Abuse Story From Carol F