Child Abuse Story From Canadian Survivor Part 2

by Paul
(Ottawa, Ontario, Canada)

I did my first posting on this site last night (see Child abuse story from Canadian Survivor). I thought I would add a bit more details on the effect the abuse has had on me, in case someone can relate or has suggestions.

I seem to have access to many, many memories – good and bad – so I don't think I am dealing with repressed memories. I know how I was feeling when the violence took place and also whenever I was put down (guilt, shame, like I was an awful child, stupid, etc.), so I don't think I am dealing with repressed feelings either.

I think that my emotional development was distorted or twisted in such a way that I don't feel very much. I seem to have a few symptoms identified in a few personality disorders, but I don't believe I have enough of them to be diagnosed with any one of these disorders.

While I am very empathetic towards others' suffering, I don't feel sad when I hear bad stories. I just do what I think is the right thing. I was extremely sensitive as a child, and still am some, but I seem to have mastered this aspect.

I can feel different emotions too. Since I can feel things, I'm not sure I am dealing with repressed emotions.

When I am with others, I feel that I live a "plastic" life. I feel like I am acting or just going through the motions, saying or doing whatever it is I think is a normal response. And I've become so accustomed to it, that I can't tell anymore if it's a response I taught myself, or if it's my real feelings.

For most of my life, I have attended social gatherings like birthdays and Christmas celebrations, but I never really felt motivated to attend them. But I went to them so that people didn't think I was anti-social or selfish, nor did I want to hurt people's feelings.

I hated Christmas parties at work. Didn't want to be there, and didn't care for them at all. Everyone seemed happy and motivated to be together. I was angry at having to pretend I was "in the Christmas spirit". Yet, I have a lot of good childhood memories about Christmas, in spite of the "alcohol-iday" mood that was often present at home. Sometimes, there were fights and beatings at Christmas.

For years, I tried to find out what it is I wanted to do. I tried a few hobbies and a few were fun, but mostly I am not interested in the things most people are.

I have dissected my every thought, memory, feeling, motive, sub-motive, want and need. I have tried to figure out what it was I was not dealing with, and have tried to put all things in perspective. But I feel I am back to square one – that something inside is wrong and can't be changed. I tried to accept this, but it's simply not a way to live.

Today, I don't feel much of anything. I think it's called "paralysis by analysis".

If anyone can relate to this, I'd welcome your comments.

Paul

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