Child Abuse Story From Bruce

[?] Subscribe To This Site

Child Abuse Story From Bruce

by Bruce
(USA)

I rarely remember a time when my father was not enraged. I grew up thinking being beaten was normal. When, as I matured, I encountered a family wherein the son (my friend) and his father got along, laughed, enjoyed each others' company, I thought they were freaks.... absolute freaks.

Oddly, when I think about the abuse, it's not the beatings I recall with horror.... it is the chase that still gives me chills. I had a recurring dream as a little boy, about a raging bull chasing me. Even otherwise good dreams would end up with this bull charging at me, mere inches behind me as I ran in terror. It wasn't until many years later that I figured out why I had that dream over and over.

My father would leap over furniture, even my siblings, to get to me. My mother allowed this, but I do remember her getting to me first and her spanking me. Did she do this to mete out a safer punishment? Perhaps that explains why my father ran after me, to get there first. Yes, I bled, and had broken bones. But again, it is being chased down that I remember even more than being beaten into submission.

The results are, first that as soon as I became barely a young adult, I took up martial arts and weight-lifting. I did so because I vowed to get him. I lusted for the chance to chase him, and show him what it felt like to be beaten by one so much bigger and stronger. But alas, I lacked the viciousness required to carry out that desire. He grew old and I grew stronger. He died and I became a great father. True, often people repeat such behavior. I'm grateful that I was able to rise above it, and refused to raise a hand to my children. I can't imagine what can drive a man to hurt his own child. I've never known a more pure love than I share with my son and daughter.

In the case of my father, I have learned that his father was a violent and angry man who beat my father and my father's mother, often. He also killed at least one man of which I know. So I regretfully accept that sad explanation.

The effect it had on me, aside from the good part, vowing to be a loving and kind father...I spent the first two decades of my life thinking our home was normal. I also was terribly shy, introverted, had the very lowest self-esteem possible. I've had a lifetime of migraines and anxiety attacks, sometimes even when I'm driving. As a teen and young adult, I was afraid of anything and everything, including girls. I was often victim to bullies, who surely saw my fear and self-loathing, making me the obvious target. The final result of having been beaten by my father so badly as a child is that I celebrated his death. I also tell people that he wasn't my father, that I must have been spawned by another man. That explains why T-- hated me so much. Hey; it's easier than accepting that I really was the very bad little boy he always said I was.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach

Note from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

I hope you'll follow me on:

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.

Comments for
Child Abuse Story From Bruce

Click here to add your own comments

Dec 06, 2011

Bruce:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You were anything BUT the "very bad little boy" your father thought you were. His abuse wasn't about you; it was about HIM. It wasn't YOU he hated; he hated himself. When children are badly abused, typically one of two things happen: The child grows up realizing that what he or she endured was terribly wrong and refuses to repeat it; or two, insists on the power and control that was denied them as a child and inflicts harm to others, usually children or a single child, in the same way harm was inflicted on them. You, Bruce, didn't allow your Self to be damaged in the way your father allowed it. You chose NOT to abuse; your father chose the same path he had endured. Not an excuse for T--, rather, an explanation, as you've already identified. You broke the cycle of abuse with your own children. You didn't allow your own childhood to become that of your children. That's a major accomplishment. The fact that you kept your strength in check and didn't chase and beat him the way he did you shows that you're a compassionate and loving person, in spite of what you endured. To have beaten your father would have been to inflict on him what he had already been through as a child. He wasn't strong enough to overcome those beatings, but you were. You stayed true to Who You Really Are, and your children are the beneficiaries of that choice. Please seek out some form of counseling or therapy to help you deal with all the repercussions of what you lived, Bruce. You didn't deserve to be abused. You definitely deserve help for the fact that you were. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Dec 06, 2011

Thank You
by: Carrie

Hi Bruce,

I am so sorry you endured such awful abuse at the hands of your father. I also was abused by my father. I just wanted to say thank you so very much for breaking the cycle of abuse, for seeing what a precious gift your children are, and for finding a way to give them what you were never given nor, taught to give. What strength and courage that takes. What a gift your children have in their Father. I wish my Father could have done the same, and I am sure you wish that too.

Carrie

Dec 07, 2011

The Horror
by: Anonymous

Bruce, I can't believe that your mom would abandon you to the so-called car of that sick, sadistic monster of a father and allow him to beat and berate you 24/7...how dare she! Shame on her for running away from you instead of protecting you from that beast! Her job was to protect you and she chose to abandon that job. A mother who would choose such a vicious beater over her own precious son is the mother who didn't deserve to have said son in her life. Oh, and that sick brute of a father was really acting like a little 5-year-old trapped in a grown man's body because he was stuck in his own childhood. I can relate; I, too, was beaten by my dad and my mom wouldn't do anything about it at all. Anyway, too bad that sad, tragic man died because he should've gone to prison for all those terrible crimes that he committed against you. I'm pretty sure that he himself had no respect for you and even your rights as a human being and he proved that just by the nasty injuries that he used to inflict upon you. He had the mindset that you were to be submissive and obedient at every single cost. You are not to blame for his sadistic, ignorant behavior; he was to blame because he chose to abuse you. You were the child; he was the adult; he had all the power and only misused it over you. Oh, and I'm delighted that you are in a safe place now; I just hope that you try counselling.

Dec 10, 2011

Dreams
by: April

I am so happy that you were able to break the cycle of violence in your family. Being a parent can provide you with so much love and affection that it fills your heart more than words can express (I know this because I am a loving mother).

It's really sad that your dad was never capable of breaking the cycle. Your dad sounds like my dad. He was also abused badly as a child and did the same to my brother and I. It was like he would get some kind of demented sparkle in his eye when he would see terror or shame on our faces. Like Darlene's response said - sometimes people recognize that abuse is wrong and never repeat it; or, they insist on the power and control they were denied as a child and inflict harm to others.

When I was about 7 years old I had a dream that I still vividly remember. I was outside my grandparents house standing on the sidewalk and I was frozen stiff, I was terrified. I looked up and there was my mom, she was walking away from me. I was trying to scream and trying to move but I couldn't. She didn't see me, she didn't turn around, she just kept walking away going further and further.

When I think about this dream, I see now (30 years later), that this was how I felt as a child. I had no one to help me and I was alone. My way of dealing with abuse was to find solace in seclusion - I withdrew my love and attention from my parents. I feel as though I subconsciously lived the dream on my terms. I can understand how you must have felt training and preparing to do to your dad what he did to you. You wanted to become the terrifying bull from your dreams and turn the tables on him. You wanted him to feel the same terror that you did - but in reality, he did. He felt that terror as a child and he died never having been able to experience the pure joy and happiness that parenthood can and should provide. I'm glad you never followed through with it, but I'm sure you must have thought about it often.

Your children are so very fortunate to have you as a dad. I'm so happy that there are other people out there who have had the capacity to stop the vicious cycle of abuse. Our parents obviously couldn't do it - and the reasons why this is so continues to weigh heavily on my mind; but, when I look at my child, I feel an incredible and almost overwhelming amount of joy and gratitude for his sweet and innocent spirit. He will never suffer through the anxiety, fear, and panic that we did and sometimes still do.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Dec 11, 2011

Response
by: Bruce

Thank you all for your supportive comments. It's nice to know, albeit sad as well, that we are not alone.

The weirdest part of being the victim of violent abuse (not the same as sexual abuse) is that when I grew and observed "normal" kids parents and families, I viewed them as freaks. Freaky because they loved and adored each other.

I cannot imagine doing anything to hurt one of my children. Can you in your wildest dreams, think of anything that could make you want to harm them? That's what makes us different..... we have the compassion and love rather than the brute force that drove our abusers.

I remembered something else, and that was my grandmother. She was a frail and tiny woman who had endured the harsh depression. She was hunched over from osteoporosis, must have weighed 80 lbs soaking wet. Several times when my "father" Ted came at me, she stopped him. I recall her putting her hand on his chest, arm stiff like a quarterback on a football team. She stopped him from beating me more than once. I never got to thank her for that.

Ted died almost ten years ago. My sister's minister came to her house where my two brothers and I were staying as we were from out of town. Minister Clem asked us to each tell something about Ted that we admired. I was dumbstruck and horrified. I could think of nothing, not one single thing I liked about him. What to do? I asked to go last as I struggled to think of something. "I didn't kill him", was my first thought. "He had a powerfully strong arm" was another. Finally, after my siblings thought of kind and honorable things to say about it, I found one. I said, "I admire his devotion to his wife". That's exactly how I said it. It was the only positive thing I could say. That night as I tried to fall asleep, I cursed myself for not having shouted out about how horrible a man he was, how awful a father.... but I found sollace that I had risen above and found a way to not let resentment rule that day.

I live for my kids who are now grown. They know that when all else fails, they can rely on Dad. I'm not perfect, but I feel and share love.

TRIVIA

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How?
Simply click here to return to Write Your Child Abuse Story

Child Abuse Story From Bruce

Comments for Child Abuse Story From Bruce

Comments for
Child Abuse Story From Bruce