Child Abuse Story From Brenda
by Brenda
Everyday I live in pain. I distrust about everyone but my husband. It took me 10 years to trust my husband. You see I was terrorized by my dad and the support from my mom was her telling me, "He didn't mean it", and my sister was a bully to me. The only vivid things I remember of my childhood was being blamed for everything that went wrong. I would always say I just don't understand what I did wrong. The following is what I endured. My father would come home beat me with a belt buckle in a rage, his face beet red and yelling at me that he was going to kill me. I remember I stopped eating for a couple of weeks when I was about 7 years old because I thought he was going to poison me. I use to sneak out to the fridge in the middle of the night and only eat at school. Some days when I knew he was coming home I would hide under my bed or on top of my huge toy chest in my closet. The beatings happened several times a week between the ages of 4 - 11. The mental abuse that happened to me was when I would say a word wrong, read incorrectly or something that I thought of that he didn't agree with, he would hit me in the head and call me stupid and my sister would laugh at me. My sister had to take care of me at times and she would always threaten me by saying she would tell on me or leave me somewhere. I remember one time I was in 6th grade and my sister was in tenth. She wanted to buy a new dress because a boy asked her to the prom. She only had her chorus dress to wear. I made the fatal mistake asking my dad why can't you buy her a new dress. He picked me up and threw me across the room, up against the wall. I wasn't the only one verbally abused. I would have to hear him constantly tell my mom to shut up and then tell her she didn't know anything. My sister and my dad always had this odd bond. It always appeared that my dad treated my sister as his companion. Taking her out places leaving my mom and me home. Their relationship continued like that until my sister died last year only at the age of 54. She suffered from severe depression all her life. She told me she had regrets allowing my father to manipulate her into believing he could not live with out her. I must say though he didn't treat my sister with respect either. She had a different form of abuse. I tried killing myself when I was 16 years old. I moved out of the house when I was 18. My mom has since passed away. It is only my father and I left. We have an uncomfortable relationship. The one thing I am regretting now in my life at the age of 51 is that I still am looking for a father in him that is nurturing, loving, understanding, and willing to listen. But I know he will never be that. Throughout my life I have experienced negative thoughts of my past, like a movie running over and over again and again in my mind, causing me so much pain and anger. I want to be free, I want to forget, I want to be happy, I want to trust people, I want to enjoy life. I pray and hope that all these good things will happen for me. I must say that I am grateful that I have a good life with my husband and I have a good job and even some friends but I just don't feel joy inside. I remember crying myself to sleep every night as a child and saying to myself "Tomorrow will be a better day." I think that is what got me through those years. Now I'm saying to myself I deserve to be truly joyful. Right now I just don't feel it. I have tried forgiving my family and at times that brought me peace but to this day he seems to find a way to hurt me. Thank you for allowing me to write my thoughts down. I will continue to search for true joy.  Note from Darlene: I welcome you to follow me on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I hope to hear from you there!Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.
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