Child Abuse Story from Bianca

by Bianca
(Ontario, Canada)

The reality is that is an adult I did not realize how affected I was from the years of physical abuse I incurred as a child. I was physically abused violently by my Italian parents. Products of abuse themselves, that was all they knew. If a child misbehaved, you had to physically punish them to teach them to never do it again. Funny thing was, I never did learn. I was abused quite badly.

I recall the severe beatings I got when I urinated in our dining room because I was not allowed to leave the room. I got belt beatings, electric chord beatings and beatings with a broom stick. I was beaten so badly physically, mentally and emotionally that to this day I still have low self-esteem. I was a very sad and depressed little girl. I was suicidal at times. Due to my childhood, I have never amounted to much in my life.

I am currently in therapy to help me seek out healing, but I find that I have also created a mess in my adult life...it is filled with dishonesty (fear) and I do not trust people very well. I do not expect people to feel sorry for me. I am trying to heal from all my pain. But for some reason I cannot let go. I have created such a mess. I wish I knew where to go from here.

My relationships as an adult have been self-sabotaging. For some reason, in a sick twisted way, I believe I deserve to be continuously punished as a form of not deserving. I learned that I loved fantasy and created a life of fantasy to survive the pain I was in. I still do not understand why I am the way I am now, many years later...but I am learning to forgive and trying to heal myself so I can create what I hope will be a life of honesty, trust, happiness and peace of mind.

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