Child Abuse Story from Ber

by Amber
(Alabama, USA)

Ever since I was 2 years old, it has been obvious that I would be a musician. I started playing piano at 3, and I have never given it up. But music is somewhat tainted for me now.

I started competing when I was 6, and if I didn't do well enough, my brother (3 1/2 years my senior) would beat me. Sometimes with his own belt, sometimes with our dad's. I always knew that after a performance or competition, if it wasn't perfect, I would be punished. He would also sexually abuse me; I remember him feeling me up, rubbing my privates, kissing me...and the whole time, I thought he was doing it because he loved me.

My parents turned a blind eye to this behaviour. As for themselves, the only way they punished me was by spanking me until I couldn't sit down for a few days. I grew up believing that whenever I was bad, I lost their love, and the only way I could get it back was by being punished. My parents spanked me until I was 17 years old, and the only reason they stopped then was because I stopped misbehaving. Even now, whenever I am around them, if I mess up, they slap me or tell me that I am worthless.

Because I believed that my brother treated me the way he did was because he loved me, I started looking for the same kind of love in other relationships. I have endured 5 different relationships in which I was hit or molested. I felt, to the very core of my being, that I was no good and deserved this kind of treatment, because that was the only way that people could love me. I blamed myself for what these men did to me.

I am now in college, 700 miles away from home. Since being here, I have come to recognize my abuse as what it was, and I have begun to change the beliefs that were so ingrained in me by my past experiences. I have been blessed with wonderful friends who have supported me as I go through counseling and experience many different emotional problems. I have also been blessed with a couple who have practically adopted me, who show me what real love is. They tell me all the time that I am precious and valuable, and that they love me unconditionally, no matter what I do. They don't let me get away with doing less than my best, but they never push me down or treat me as though I am worthless. I am getting stronger, and life is so much better now than it ever has been.

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