Child Abuse Story From Beatrice
by Beatrice
(California, USA)
Hello! :-)
Darlene, when I read what you had to go through as a consequence of child abuse I recognized a lot what I had (and have) to deal with my own experience of child abuse: promiscuity when I was young, struggles with food, depression, difficulty in relationships (a strange addiction to men that reminded me of my abuser!!!), not having children...and looking down the pit when I had in the past thoughts of suicide.
My first memory goes back to when I was a toddler!!! Just pieces of memory. I remember looking out, being naked and someone touching me...I was probably for the abuser something to masturbate with. No wonder I struggle with self esteem!!!
But I remember clearly my older cousin abusing me sexually. For a long time—because my cousin was only 2 years older than me—I didn't think I was seriously abused!!!! He was bigger and taller than average and I considered him almost like an adult. My mother left me often with him thinking that I was safe! We had sex. It was not a mutual discovery that children have (I had that too with other children. This was different. I remember asking myself if other people were doing those things!) I didn't want to have sex with him...because my body responded I automatically repressed it.
Growing up in a Catholic home I dealt with guilt and sex a lot. How many times did my cousin say it was my fault! He threatened me a lot, afraid that I was going to say something. And I'd try...I couldn't tell the truth to my parents, I was afraid they were going to despise me. So I kept it as a secret (I told my mother when I was 33!). I cannot remember when the abuse started with my cousin...but it stopped when I was 12 years old. The abuse happened at my grandmother's house during the summer vacations. The abuse stopped when we stopped going, after my grandfather's death.
I am 45 years old. I am OK. Somehow I survived! I have a wonderful husband today who has an enormous amount of patience with me and keeps me grounded. What helps me also is my faith (I am a Christian but have friends from different faiths). I know: Why did God allowed this in the first place? I cannot answer this question. I can only say that I felt Its presence in my life many times, even as a child.
There is a book that I would like to recommend. It has nothing to do with sexual abuse but with the Holocaust. You might know the author but just in case, Etty Hillesum,
An Interrupted Life. She was Jewish and died in a concentration camp. She had a diary during this period where she talks to God. She never lost her faith, kept it until the end. This book has a lot of insights. She mentioned somewhere that God needs our help. I believe that when we stop loving each other and being compassionate and understanding with each other it creates a domino effect towards terrible situations, like sexual abuse and other horrible situations and it seems that we put ourselves (and others) in situations when God cannot reach us. With your site you are helping God to help others.
I wish you the best in your Journey.
Note from Darlene: I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of commenting on visitor submissions to the degree I have in the past, as I am currently writing a book on healing from child abuse. I ask that you please read my post of June 24, 2009 titled
Announcement Regarding my Comments for a complete explanation. I welcome you to follow my progress on my Facebook page at
Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I do hope to hear from you there.
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