Child Abuse Story From Bear For My Wife

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Child Abuse Story From Bear For My Wife

by Bear
(Ontario, Canada)

First of all I have never been abused sexually, but recently found out that my wife was sexually abused by her older brother for years, and her father knew yet didn't stop it from continuing, her mother did not know till years later. My wife suffers from fibromyalgia and has suffered for 15 years with this illness, now I have done research on fibromyalgia and found that there are 3 high posibilities to the cause of FM, 1) severe injury, 2)severe illness, 3)early years abuse. Now I do have my wife's full medical history from birth till age 45 and found that the worst of injury's that she sustained was a sprained wrist. She was anemic as a child, but was priscribed iron shots. Then this past few months I was speaking with her other brother and he let it slip that the oldest brother was sexually abusing both the other siblings. Now i have watched and tried to comfort her as she has had nightmares for many years, and she discribed them as "devil dreams" because the devil was always trying to take her body, I did some research on that type of dream and found out that her dreams had much more to say then she did. The devil would have been her brother, taking her body ment the abuse. Personally I want to go to his home in Montreal and put a bullet in his head, but knowing that it would not solve anything and create more misery in my wife's mind, I choose not to do that yet. I have been trying to get her into some form of councelling, yet knowing that if a person does not want the help, or is too afraid, or come forth, help is not in the cards. I would like to know if there is anyone that could help me find a way of convincing my wife to seek councelling, on a personal basis, I do not mind being her strong shoulder to cry on, after all that is what husbands are there for. So please someone help me help my wife. Thank you for your time, Bear.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach

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Child Abuse Story From Bear For My Wife

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Oct 30, 2011

To Bear:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

While I can certainly understand your feelings about learning of your wife's sexual abuse at the hands of her brother, the first thing I must address is the fact that even talking about doing harm to your wife's abuser could land you in serious trouble. Not only that, you will never get your wife to open up as long as she believes you could do harm. Bear, with all due respect, you have to come to terms with the fact that your wife's healing and recovery is not on your schedule, but rather it's on hers. It must be on her terms. She wasn't only sexually abused by her brother, her father enabled the abuse when he did nothing about it, knowing it went on. And no one but your wife (and abuser) knows if it was only her brother who abused her. I don't know if you're a Dr Phil fan, but I'll pass along that he's airing a show this week that speaks to the issue of sexual child abuse at the hands of a brother and the effect such abuse has on the family, including the effect on the victim/survivor after telling. The show airs Wed, Nov 2, 2011. But don't insist that your wife watch it. This is for you, not her. The best help you can be for her is to be there when she's ready to move forward. The more you hound her, the less likelihood she'll ever move forward with it. I know you want to help her fix this—that's what guys do—but you can't fix this. And I know you believe it's your job to make her happy, but it really isn't. That's her job. Yours is to be supportive. She must be the one to make the decision, and she must feel free to make that decision without being forced to. To force her or to act in a way that seems forceful is to re-awaken the forcefulness of her brother's actions. I know you don't want that for your wife. You care about her and you want her well, and that makes you a wonderfully compassionate husband. But the best way to help her is to let her know you'll always be there for her, and that if and when she's ready, she can count on you. Thank you for sharing your wife's story with my visitors and me. I wish you and her all the best.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Oct 31, 2011

It takes time
by: Jill

Bear,
Darlene's right, your wife is on her own schedule. It's great that you want to help her. My experience is from perspective of the wife who went through nightmares and eventually recall.

For me, childhood abuse memories were deeply buried. If someone in my family had told me I'd been sexually abused, I'd have looked at them funny. Once recalled, the memories of abuse connected me to the child who felt fragile and helpless. I felt that way again for a while. Eventually it got better.

The process of recall can be like purging a major illness. For me, there was a warning feeling and then when I felt safe, a memory happened. My husband was there for some, especially one of the most intense. He didn't know what to do, but he was patient.

It helps that you know about your wife's family history. While you allow your wife to do her work, you can do your own. It's understandable that you feel angry about what your wife's brother and others did. I admire your conscious decision to search for a positive solution instead of a bullet. Through my own personal work, I realized I'd always known that every person on the earth is equal and has the right to their body, safety, dignity, availableness, and to be understood. I'd denied myself these rights to survive abuse as a child. Now I'm able to allow myself to have them again and it reflects in my ability to honor them toward others as well.

When my rights are secure, I'm in touch with my feelings and I feel comfortable inside. When my rights are insecure, I'm avoiding my feelings and they appear as a ball of anger.

Picture an icy snowball filled with gravel. See it as separate from everything. As anger, whether I hold onto it with my bare hands or let it fly it causes pain. As comfort, I can let the sun melt it and return it to the earth and it causes healing. Comfort just takes more time. So does recovery from abuse.

Separate from the anger toward your wife's brother and others by sorting out where you're avoiding your feelings. Be in touch with your feelings to allow yourself to have secure rights again so you are comfortable with yourself inside. This breaks the cycle of anger.

You will find as you go through this you'll start to see and support yourself in deeper, more meaningful ways. Learn as much as you can for yourself. Be a constant island of calm in your wife's life, it will mean so much to her as she goes through this.

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Child Abuse Story From Bear For My Wife

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Child Abuse Story From Bear For My Wife