Child Abuse Story From Avery

by Avery
(Wisconsin, USA)

I've been reflecting back on my childhood for years now. I have been abused by my father from the time I was 1 year old until present. He physically abused me for years. The physical abuse died down when I started living with my mom more and entered middle school.

I am continuously piecing together more events and emotions that are helping me to make more sense of things.

I have sexual identity issues as well as low self esteem which affect my everyday life.

I have an extremely irrational sense of insecurity and low self esteem. And recently I realized that I have sexual dysfunction. I cannot achieve orgasm. And honestly don't find sexual activity very arousing or pleasurable at all.

It's very frustrating because I love my boyfriend with all of my heart. But when we have sex, my mind and body are engulfed in static.

I spoke with my mother the other night and told her that I can't orgasm and she told me some disturbing things from my childhood. Neither of us can be sure if my father ever directly sexually abused me. But some things alone are enough to be considered as so.

My dad started to physically abuse me as early as 2 years old according to my mom.

One incident she recalled was when she was placing me in the bathtub to bathe me when I was a toddler and noticed I was moving very gently and wincing. She then noticed bruises starting from my butt down to behind my knees.

My mother confronted my dad with rage. He explained to her that he had spanked me because I had gotten into my diaper and got stool on his bed sheets.

There was also a period of time where when my mom would try and change my diaper I would go into hysterics and not let her change my diaper. This raised disturbing questions to my mother so she decided to take me to my pediatrician and get a social worker involved. My doctor saw no signs of penetration. But when I as a toddler was questioned and shown an anatomical doll, I spoke of weenies and pointed to the groin area on the doll.

I don't know what any of this means. I don't think my dad will ever tell me if anything had happened to me sexually.

But the physical abuse alone has affected me tremendously. My dad would pull my pants down and spank me over his knee with all the force he had. And for things that made no sense. I completely disagree with any kind of physical punishment to any person of any age.

I would be punished/spanked for not finishing my food, for not liking certain foods, for spilling things, anything... I can't even remember. And since I can remember he has always called me a freak and stupid.

I just wish I knew everything. I wish I could be fixed. Because most of the time I hate myself. And now being with someone I love, I can't even find pleasure.

I called my therapist, psychologist, and primary care physician today and made appointments to specifically address my inability to become aroused and achieve orgasm.

I have spoken in great length to doctors about the physical and emotional abuse my dad issued upon me. But not until recently did I put together that my extreme insecurities, self loathing, and sexual dysfunction might also be linked to my father's abuse.

It's odd that I have barely any recollection of my childhood when in my father's part-time custody, but I have many memories from the same time periods when with my mother.

All these words I am typing are such a jumble. And I feel humiliated even though I have no reason to be embarrassed. Anything that has happened is in no way my fault.

I am at a loss and don't know what to do.

I don't know how I can confront my dad about this. And get him to tell me everything and what he was thinking. I'm afraid to ask my dad about sexual abuse. I mean, why would he tell me if he ever did anything to me?

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