Child Abuse Story From April W

by April W
(Virginia, USA)

I feel that my story is complicated because I don't know if my experiences were "abuse," per se. Here is my story, short and unsweet:

My brother and I endured a lot of aggression by our dad - we were called lazy, stupid, jacka**, idiot, f*** you little brats, etc. etc. We were spanked somewhat often, but the spanking would sometimes escalate to violent situations. I remember my brother getting thrown against the wall when he was about 9 and that was extremely frightening for me. When I was a teenager, I experienced my last "spanking." I was ordered by my dad to strip, bend over, and get whipped with a leather belt over and over until my brother came in and demanded he stop. (Then, unfortunately, it was his turn - only not with a belt, it was with fists.)

I can't seem to shake this experience (or the others for that matter). I remember feeling faint - the pain was excruciating. I had welts from the back of my knees up to my mid-back. It was the most painful and humiliating experience of my life. (My blood is burning at this very moment just thinking about it.) I am so mad and hurt and sad that my dad treated us this way. It completely ruined our relationship because after this experience I vowed to myself that I no longer had a dad. Then, unfortunately, I seemed to jump into the arms of any male who would pay me any attention - sadly they were usually abusive males.

To this day, 25 years later, I feel uncomfortable around my dad. I think I still hate him a little bit. To top it off, my dad was/is addicted to pornography. He was always very in-your-face about it, too. He would plaster posters, pictures, etc. all over the house when I was a child. I would even come home sometimes to find him watching pornography and it would make me sick to my stomach. I hated him touching me - he seemed to me like a disgusting, evil pervert.

I have so much anger and resentment towards my parents: my dad for being an abuse survivor who continued a cycle of yelling, hitting, belittling and cursing; and my mom for not having the courage and intelligence to both recognize and stop this dysfunctional behavior, she just let it happen.

It seems as though I start each day with the memories of my most painful experiences. And I feel that my depression gets worse as I recognize certain milestones in my own child's life. Things he says or does seem to trigger memories of my childhood. I look at my son and wonder, "How could anyone ever intend on hurting this innocent spirit?" I could never imagine spanking, hitting, cursing at, or belittling my child - so why did my parents do it? I have been told that I should be able to find peace in my past because I have been able to break the cycle of violence, but I don't. I feel anger, hatred, and sadness (there are tears in my eyes at this very moment).

At times I daydream about cutting or otherwise hurting myself. I know I would never do this - I love my son and husband too much - but the pain I feel seems to overwhelm my mind and body. I begin to sweat profusely, my breathing gets erratic, my head hurts, tears starts flowing, I get short of breath - what does that mean? It's like I would rather feel anything other than the feelings that these experiences bring to me.

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