Child Abuse Story From AnonymousCC

by AnonymousCC
(United States of America)

I am not sure why I want to share my life of emotional, verbal, physical and sadistic sexual abuse here, but I keep coming back to this page. Although I've shared it on my own blog...maybe I just need to share...it is okay to tell others.

I a 43-year-old married woman who is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, major depressive disorder, chronic post traumatic stress disorder, and eating disorder – NOS (Not Otherwise Specified) and dissociative disorder - NOS. I also have issues with suicidal thoughts and self-injury, with my first suicidal type thought at two and self-injury memory at three or four. This is all due to an abusive childhood that included chronic emotional, verbal, physical and sadistic sexual abuse. I had repressed most of them until January 2004, but always knew I had symptoms, as did my therapist.

From what I've been able to piece together, I stopped crying as an infant because I would get smothered, hit or pinched. My mother has an untreated borderline personality disorder and was physically and verbally abusive. My father, who was narcissistic, slowly drifted out of my life and was verbally and physically abusive to my mother and I. They divorced when I was 3 or 4.

When I was about 4-5 years old my mother got involved with a man who would become my step-father. He and his father and friends were sadistically sexually abusive to me. Between the ages of 4- 9, my sadistic narcissistic step-father and his father at first forced me to have sex with them and other men in my step-father’s bedroom. It also included sodomy, oral sex and beatings with a belt or antenna between my legs and being tied or held down and erotic asphyxiation.

Then, when it moved into the garage it was usually one or the other and just two other family members. But, included rape, crawling things, objects, erotic asphyxiation, fisting, beatings, sodomy, oral sex, genital beatings, popsicles and ice. All occurring while being tied down for hours and with no clothing. At six years old, I remember my step-father putting a knife up to my neck and reminding me that he could kill me whenever he wanted to and no one would know or care. He continued the verbal abuse, humiliation and subtle sexual abuse until he moved out when I was 21. (There is some evidence that points to a "cult-like" involvement with the sexual abuse and the number of unknown men.)

My mother, who wouldn’t get out of the abusive relationship, used to constantly warn me to "watch what I do and say because he could kill me." She was also extremely emotionally volatile and verbally and physically abusive. I was 23 the last time she slugged me. Because of the things she said to me, I grew up thinking that I was evil and deserved to die. There is also evidence that she probably left me home alone as an infant to party. My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today, because I should have killed myself by now.

Currently, I am trying to come to terms with my abuse and feel feelings that I did not feel then, but to me God held my tears for me. In the Bible, it says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book" (Psalm 56:8). It feels like He is giving them back to me and I don't want to hold them. However, I am now holding them more than before and it has been excruciating. My treatment includes psychotherapy four times per week, psychiatric care for medications every other week, my church and blogging.

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