Child Abuse Story From Anonymous69

by Anonymous
(Location Undisclosed)

I'm almost 31 and I am only just coming to terms with the horrific abuse I suffered as a child. I escaped the abuse at 19 years old when I left home and threw myself into work and building a life for myself. I never considered getting any help or talking to anyone about what happened. As far as I was concerned...it was horrific but I had escaped and I was going to do everything to build a good life for myself. So, I put it all behind me. Well, at least I thought I had.
Fast forward to age 30 and I'm suffering from post traumatic stress - which has included some pretty bad anxiety (getting better) and, now, depression.
I'm not in the habit of talking about my childhood - but I feel I need to release some awful memories (I am doing this through trauma based CBT {Cognitive Behaviour Therapy} too).

I was physically and emotionally abused EVERY DAY. Each day was a fight for survival. I have had 19 years worth of abuse - I have no idea where to start. However...I thought I could record just a few of the memories on here. Might help me come to terms with what happened.

I have an older sister and a younger brother. My mother was an aggressive, abusive alcoholic who took pleasure in beating me, abusing me emotionally by bullying and torturing me.

My older sister, not surprisingly, started to develop a personality that was similar to my mother's. My older sister was very jealous of me and was a bully to me and my younger brother. Many times, she would torment my brother, and I would have to step in to defend him. Anyway, my sister used to follow us around, whispering insults, telling us how useless, fat, ugly we were. It was all very, very sinister, thinking back. We would be doing nothing in particular...maybe playing with toys, reading etc and my sister would be there in the background bullying us and taking great pleasure when one of us caved in and cried.

Anyway - this story relates to an incident when I was around 8 years old. Although my...issues are mainly with the abuse my mother forced on me, this incident involves my sister and my mother.

It was around 10pm and I remember sitting on a chair trying to do some school work. My sister was in the background, whispering her insults and with her usual bullying talk. After maybe an hour or so of taking it (I NEVER snapped back, I was very quiet as a child), I couldn't take it any more. So, I got up out of my chair and pushed her back onto the couch. I told her to leave me alone or she'd be sorry. My sister, obviously in shock of me standing up for myself, then started to scream and pretended to get very breathless (remember, I had only pushed her a few centimetres onto a couch). She then ran upstairs to her evil twin (my mother). I could hear her screaming that I had pushed her. Then everything went quiet. I had no idea what was happening...but I knew something wasn't right. I started to feel very uneasy and wondered why my mother wasn't running down the stairs with a weapon to abuse me with. Nothing happened, so I just sat and waited. After maybe 10 minutes of sitting, wondering why everything was so quiet, I heard my mother walking down the stairs. She didn't have a weapon in her hand so I figured she was just going to use her hands or her shoes to beat me. I didn't try to defend myself by explaining what really happened - by this point in my life, I understood that my mother hated me and I understood that she would always side with my sister because she was the one with the most pleasing behaviours (bullying, abuse, swearing, insults). Anyway. My mother approached me - I still sat on the chair. I braced myself for a beating and remember that I started shaking.
However, instead of beating me, she got down on her knees in front of me and told me I had just killed my sister. She told me that my sister's dead body was upstairs on her bed and that I had killed her.

She was very...I keep using this word - sinister. But she was, her eyes were staring, she was whispering and there seemed to be a slight smirk on her face. She was also drunk.
So...after hearing this, I went into some kind of shock. I remember saying, 'no...no...no...no', I felt like I was losing my vision and then I suffered a panic attack. I was terrified. My mother just sat there and watched me without saying a word. I remember shaking - everywhere and just kept saying, 'no...no...no!'. My mother then got up to go - what's sad about this is that I begged her not to leave me alone. She told me to 'f* off and that I had to stay downstairs whilst she sorted out the undertakers to get my sister's body and also, she said she had to call the police.
She left me and went upstairs. I heard her sobbing over my sisters body.
A few minutes later, although I couldn't stop shaking - the panic attack wore off and I entered into some kind of shock again...strange - it was like I was numb, staring, shaking. I know that I only pushed my sister on the couch, however, I just couldn't think rationally. As far as I was aware, I had murdered my sister and I couldn't stop thinking about her dead body upstairs on my mother's bed.
I knew the police were going to arrive soon. I imagined they would come before the undertakers. I started to think about stupid things like, will they let me put my shoes on or will they just burst through the door screaming and just grab me. A million thoughts went through my head...what will school say? I will be in a prison - what will people think of me? No matter what, I understood that I had killed my sister and that, at that moment, life was never going to be the same again.
So, I sat on the chair and waited for the police to come and get me. It was quiet again upstairs. I sat and waited...and waited. I was very, very anxious - thinking that at any minute, I'd hear the police car pull up the drive...however, they didn't come. I even considered shouting upstairs to my mother to ask when they were coming to get me, however, I kept thinking about my sister's dead body so decided to stay put. I waited and waited and nothing happened. I was still in a state of shock and high anxiety and was panicking regularly. But no police or undertakers showed up and it was still quiet upstairs. Eventually, exhausted and defeated, I fell asleep - still sat on the chair.
When I woke up, it was daylight. I didn't remember straight away what happened...but then it hit me - my sister's body was upstairs and I had killed her. I had another panic attack and then started to hear movement upstairs.
The door to the room I was in was closed and I could hear movement behind the door. At this point, I started crying and getting even more terrified - I thought it might be the undertakers and I didn't want to see them and my sister's dead body.
All of a sudden, the door opened. And there stood my mother and my sister. I remember seeing my sister and screaming, thinking she was a ghost and that she was coming to haunt me. I screamed and screamed and started jumping up and down hysterical on the couch but my mother and sister stood there staring with smirks on their faces.
My mother then told me to go get ready for school.
And that was the end of it.

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