Child Abuse Story From Anonymous28

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Child Abuse Story From Anonymous28

by Anonymous
(Dublin, Ireland)

I'm lost:
I'm a 21-year-old man who has experienced an array of abuse as a child, which I feel has resulted in my lack of development as a person. I still don't feel like a man and I find it very hard to relate to people outside of my family. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin and I always feel I look like a freak. It's so ridiculous, as I find it so hard to even concentrate on a film as I get so scatterbrained! I have problems with my weight and eating and I throw up whenever I'm nervous, which is quite a lot!

I'm from Ireland. I grew up with very abusive and controlling Irish catholic parents. I have four older sisters and a younger brother who is my closest friend. Recently I decided to tell my sister, whom I live with, about an incident which happened to me when I was 8. It had been on my mind for some time but I never felt like I could talk to anyone about it. I had mentioned it to my ex-girlfriend when I was drunk one night. She pestered me about it the next day, but I refused to tell her the whole story.

It happened when I was at school. I was playing in the playground at lunchtime, and was called inside by my principal. He brought me into a classroom. My mother was there, along with another man. I was told that they were there to discuss my bed-wetting problems. This man asked me to take off my shorts, so I looked at my mother. She nodded saying that it was ok. I knew something was wrong as it felt so eerie. I was molested and felt up by this man right in front of my own mother and my principal! As a child growing up in Ireland, it was hard for me. I moved over from London when I was 6 and was bullied at school because of my English accent. I was never really accepted and I became very withdrawn. This incident confused me so much. I felt like I had done something terribly wrong. I believe this is one of the main reasons I have trust issues to this day.

As well as this, I was constantly abused both mentally and physically at home by my parents. I can remember coming home from school and hearing my father talk about how much he hated me and telling me I was useless and how I wouldn't amount to anything. My brother is the apple of his eye. He lets him do whatever he wants. He has always succeeded at everything I've failed at. My father views me as a failure. My mother was the same, and she has tried to control me my whole life. She has even refused to give me my birth certificate, which I need in order to get my passport for travelling next year. That's why I'm so anxious. I've never been able to bloody relax! I was tortured both at home and at school.

I want to confront my mother about the incident with the principal and that man, but I'm scared.

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Child Abuse Story From Anonymous28

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Dec 05, 2008

Conversation vs. confrontation...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Anonymous, I can certainly understand your fears; those fears are residual from the incident itself. But there is also the element of the unknown. Since you don't know how your mother will react, you're left with a great deal of anxiety and trepidation.

It's been my experience that confrontations don't work; and I generally try to dissuade people from going this route. However, if discussing this is with your mother is something you feel very strongly about in order to gain a better understanding of what actually transpired, then you must approach it from a conversational rather than a confrontational place.

There are no guarantees of what will take place during such a discussion; but opening a dialogue with words along the lines of, "Mum, do you remember that time when I was a kid, and the principal brought me into that classroom to see that man about my bed-wetting...what do you remember about that?" And then see where things go from there.

What's important here, Anonymous, is that you remain calm. If you go into such a talk with a chip on your shoulder and full of accusations (as justified as you may be for such an approach), you'll put your mother on the defensive; and if she becomes defensive, then you'll be dealing with denials, minimizations, and even worse, a pointed finger at you. You will then be dealing with re-victimization, which will lead to even greater feelings of betrayal and abandonment. But if you remain calm and open-minded, you might learn something that was not apparent to you when the incident was happening. More than the incident itself, it's your thoughts about the incident that are the most troubling to you. Perhaps a heart-to-heart discussion with your mother will find you thinking differently about what happened. And when you think differently, you automatically feel differently.

Regardless of your decision—yay or nay to speaking with your mother about this incident—I strongly urge you to seek out some form of counselling in order to help you with the inner turmoil of growing up in an abusive home. You're definitely worth that kind of help. You deserve that kind of help.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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Child Abuse Story From Anonymous28

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Child Abuse Story From Anonymous28