Child Abuse Story From Anon

by Anon
(New South Wales, Australia)

I was seven years old. It must have been around Christmastime, or some form of holidays, because my dad's mother, his sister and her son (my cousin) were visiting for a few days. The last time I'd seen my cousin (who was about 10 at the time) we had to share a room. I was on a mattress on the floor, and he was in his bed. He kept saying that we should have sex, that that's what big kids do, and that I wanted to be a big girl, didn't I? I kept saying no. I didn't really understand the logistics of it all, but all I knew is it was something I didn't want to be doing.

On this occasion staying over at our place, my cousin started asking up again. Dad had set up a sleeping bed for him on the landing upstairs, which was just down the hall from my room. Before we went to bed, he made me ask my dad if I could sleep on the landing too. My dad said no (still to this day, I wonder if this was the reason). I kept saying no to my cousin, and went to bed. He came into my room and climbed into bed with me.

I blame myself still, even now that I'm 21, because I could have said "no" more. Instead I gave in, because I didn't know what was going on. I just wanted him to go away. I blame myself, because even though I didn't want to, I made it consensual by letting him. Sometimes when I tell this story, I tell a different ending, because I'm so ashamed that I said "fine" and I tell people he was much older, because sometimes I'm afraid that no one would believe a 10-year-old would do that to a 7-year-old, that they don't know what they're doing.

The next time I saw him I was 14, and I was quiet and withdrawn the whole time, like I always am. He asked me what was wrong. I said "nothing." How could I tell him about the years of pain he had caused me? How could I tell him I suffered from self-mutilation, anorexia, depression, relationship problems, fear of being alone with men, fear of abandonment which has plagued me to this day? How could I tell him he took away my childhood? How could I tell him that when my friends tell funny stories about losing their virginity, I have to make one up so I don't have to tell them it was stolen when I was 7?

I am disassociated from this story and exactly what happened. When I think about it, it doesn't hurt me, but the repercussions of the fact that it did hurt me have stayed with me all my life. My boyfriend has been through a similar situation with his cousin. When he tells me the stories, I feel pain for him, because I know he feels the same way about being disconnected from these things that happened. I hurt for him and what happened to him, because even though he doesn't show it, I can see him hurting in his every day activities. I'm sure he can see it in me too.

One day, I hope to be able to cry my own tears over what happened to me, and then be able to completely move on. I want to believe that even though I said yes, that it wasn't ok, and that he knew I didn't want to.

I wonder if he thinks about what he did to me. I wonder what he tells his girlfriend or wife, and if he's had kids, is he is doing it to them? I wonder if he feels guilty about what he did, and if he would give anything to take it back. Seeing as I will never again in my life see him, I guess I'll never know.

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