Child Abuse Story From Andrew Richards Part 4

by Andrew Richards
(Sydney, Australia)

A while ago I posted my story (see Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 of Andrew's Story). Back then, everything seemed like it was on the up, like I was going to get past it. Right now though, I really don't know. Right now, I'm wondering why people could ever say that "family" (at least in terms of extended family) is important to them. Right now, I feel like justice is a joke. Right now, I feel like I'm torn between killing myself and going on a rampage against all those who abused me and all those who've made it clear that there was nothing wrong with that (not that I would resort to violence—scum who are destined for a special place in hell like that aren't worth the jail sentence).

In the last month, I finally decided I was at a point where I had to confront people in my family who'd been directly responsible for what happened to me. I sent the cousin who had been the worst offender a strong email, confronting her and telling her I wasn't going to take it anymore. I sent my oldest uncle a similar letter, although a lot gentler and more diplomatic.

To my surprise and I guess a real positive out of this, my mother was so supportive that she sent my uncle a supporting letter. Knowing my family's bad habit for gossip, she emailed everyone copies of the letter I'd sent to my uncle and her covering letter so that they knew exactly what was in the letters. She also asked them not to take sides in the issue. Almost a week passed and there were no replies from anyone who was sent the emails or letters.

I'm really close with the uncle's oldest granddaughter, who told me that people had been talking nastily about me behind my back, so I sent the family members a strong email criticising them for not even having the decency of offering me a single word of support. The email even had the subject of "if you believe this family has even a shred of decency, you'll read this email". Nothing. We were starting to think that my aunt may have possibly intercepted the letters having possibly been forewarned of them.

About a week later, still having heard nothing, and having been told that people were once again attacking me behind my back, changed my Facebook status to "thinks it's tragic that his family seems to think that child abuse is an acceptable price to pay for family harmony". This did get a response—from my uncle's oldest grandson's girlfriend, who was like "that's a bit strong, don't you think".

I let fly that it wasn't, that I knew people were talking about me behind my back and that it was obvious that was what had happened as most of my family couldn't be bothered offering me a single word of support and those who'd been sent letters to hadn't had the decency of responding to me. To cut a long story short, she told me he'd received the letters, but as far as he was concerned, that was the end of it, that I was in the wrong for sending a letter and not calling him over the phone, that I'd brought myself to the point of suicide and no one else (I'd said in the letters that the actions of the family had pushed me to the point of a constant battle against suicidal depression) and that no one in the family was responding because they didn't think it was an issue, and effectively blaming me for confronting them.

That night, Mum called up my uncle and confronted him. He defended my cousin, told her that his children were all furious at me for sending the letter, but eventually signaled that he was sorry for what had happened, at which point she came out of her room where she'd made the call without my knowledge (I'd gone out for a while at the time because of how angry, hurt and upset I was over the whole thing with my cousin's girlfriend). When he got on the phone to me, it was nothing but a pile of crap, where he was "sorry if I'd felt that way because of how I'd INTERPRETTED things" but practically everything I said was wrong. He even told me I should be happy with the job I'm doing right now to pay my way through my degree all while telling me he wanted me to have "a bright future" and claiming he really did love me. Nothing but a pile of crap really!

That was a week ago. Right now, I'm a mess. I'm not sleeping and I go between feeling like I've been completely gutted and feeling so angry—the terrible thoughts I have against the scum that did it and the scum that blame me for confronting the family about this abuse, driven by a neurotic and almost sociopathic obsession with conformity (my cousin's girlfriend even accused me of trying to tear the family apart).

I so thought I was ready for this, but I was wrong. I felt like I had to confront them, but I'm just starting to realise how much I wasn't ready for this. My family has always been about "the Carney Clan" and how they're always inclusive and do the right and loving thing and will always be there when a family member is in need.

But it seems that that's just the hype. Right now, I don't know what to do. I feel like justice is as far from being served as possible. I feel like there's no point to anything. If what happened to me is ok according to society, I'd sooner die than put up with more of it. I feel like I want to make those who've turned on me in this and those who did this to me beg for death and then rot in a special place in hell. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of rage, hurt, betrayal, anger, bewilderment and hopelessness and inside I feel just gutted and empty. I always prided myself on being able to get myself out of anything, but right now, I don't know how I'm meant to fill myself up and save myself from drowning.

I've never felt so lost in my entire life....

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