Child Abuse Story From Ana
by Ana
Im so disgusted with myself when i was a kid my girl cousin would touch me and.....id touch her.She was older than me,and no one ever knew,we were the only girls.I was about 6 she was about 14 or 15.I didnt understand well my mom had always told me no one should touch me.I dont remember when it stopped.My mom would take care of kids,two boys .i was in first grade and he was in 6th grade it was the same with him i knew it was wrong why was i doing it?I feel so disgusting and then i....hurt someone.My mom stopped taking care of them after 6th grade we moved into another house were she began to take care of a girl about 8 years old .....at that time i was about 11 and i ......i dnt know why i did it we were just playing and we were in my closet i told her to suck my toe and i kissed her.She didnt deserve that and i dont know why the f**k i did it that was wrong but at that time in that moment i wasnt me,and ever since that,it haunts me the next day i saw her i begged her to forgive me and she did,that was the first and last time i ever did something so disgusting and mean.Why did i do that i would be mean to her and i did that to her ..why did she forgive me.Im not a lesbian im strait so why do it was it payback to what had happend to me.That was no way of getting pay back i just ended up hurting someone else i ended up being the same.No one said sorry to me what happend with my cousin what happend with the boy it seems so blurry i get along with my cousin now,which makes me think that maybe what happend was all in my head,it seems so unreal now and yet in my chest it feels heavy and sufficating.I cant get over what i did even after forgiven,i cant get over what they did to me i wanted to didnt i? I dont know if i knew what was going on back then,or now that i understand is when i started to feel like this.Once i gave an undeatiled story of what i had done and they told me that i was ashamed for what i had done and i was forgiven,they asked me why i couldnt forgive myself?No one asked me for my forgiveness Im 17 now and im miserable ive never been in a real relationship and when ive been about to be with a man i dont get scared i just dont feel anything,i dont get turned on.In that moment i dont think of what happend to me back then,i just feel lost,and thats scarry i start feeling disgusting and guilty afterwards.Im just haunted and so many badthings have happend to me and i feel like,i cant be angry cause i feel i shouldnt be happy i feel that i deserve all this hell.Ive pushe away the men that actually want care for me i pefer to push them away then for them to know whats happend to me and what ive done.This feeling hurts and i feel i will bear it for ever and will never be happy maybe its what i have to pay for what ive done.  Note from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.I hope you'll follow me on:  Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.
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