Child Abuse Story From Amelia H
by Amelia H
(Location Unknown)
Moved by webmaster from comment thread:
I am now 22 years old, Iv'e slept with over 60 guys before I turned 19, cheated on every guy ive dated, and I avoid emotional closeness even though I wanted it, but I find it hard to meet guys unless I am drunk and on drugs. Even though Im very attractive (I model) so its not a physical thing which makes it even weirder, and I also find it hard to meet friends. I can't make eye contact with people, its very difficult for me. I get anxious and tense when people are around and I sit inside all day when I can, playing video games. I avoid seeing people when they come over, and I hate being outside unless I am wearing sunnies and a hat. even at night sometimes. People make me angry. I wonder if this is normal.
I hate myself even though Im really pretty, I have cut my wrists and legs since I was 13 (only faint scars though, as I would avoid doing it cause mum would punish me for doing it, so I banged my head against walls instead and choked myself) and used to draw dead people since I was 10, and write gruesome poems which I won awards for. Even though I'm blonde, blue eyed and cute faced I am a gothic inside, haha. I try to hide it, you see. So dont ever judge on looks. People always judge me as being "up myself" because I'm hot, and find it strange to know I am self hating, depressive and anxious.
I suffer from anxiety, short temper, I used to beat up my toys and hurt kittens and dogs (I regret it now), I get extremely angry sometimes and start throwing things and screaming at my boyfriend (who I also slept with straight away when I met him, only he actually liked me for me and wanted to get to know me!) and he is very tolerant. If it wasnt for him id never know what love felt like, and id be much worse off than I am now, like I was before I met him. He has encouraged me to lay off the booze and gets me to be more social and happy, if he can.
I think about dying everyday, I have panic attacks, I am depressed 70 percent of the time, and for the past 10 years it added up to be a lifetime of depression so far.
I cant keep jobs, or friends, I can't pass school even though my teachers think Im gifted, because my moods are out of control and I think life is worthless. why study, we all die anyway? Life is just an accident of nature, nothing special.
While my parents would have physical fights when I was 2 onwards, I never saw or heard mum and dad have sex with each other- only other people, many many times over my lifetime.
When I was 9 I slept in the bed with my dad and his horrible girlfriend, and it was the only time and the last time I did (I forgot why, I was probably lonely or scared) and I woke up in the morning, and they had started having sex. I was completly awake by then because of the adrenaline of fear running through me, which probably doesnt help because that made me MORE alert and remember it more.His girlfriend said "how do you think other people in asia do it?" and stuff, justifying it and dad went for it. I disrespected him enormously after that and never knew why. He has bashed me twice in my life, and he also suffers depression, he doesnt mean to lose it.
We get on now, but whatever, Im depressed and the damage is done. My mum is also very distance (she was raped as a child by a relative) and I dont blame her for her own shortcomings. She tried her best with me. I disappointed her by being a "s**t and not finishing school" as she says.
She knows I witnessed her bf, and my dad, beating her, plus the alcoholism growing up, but doesnt know my dad had sex right next to me when I was 9, and that I saw him having graphic sex in our loungeroom multiple times with many women. His girlfriend who made him f**k her next to me also would do and say other sexual and yuck things in front of me as a child. I wonder if this explains my weird behaviour, because as a young kid I was so happy, until that happened. I went on to be in numerous abusive relationships and I was assaulted and sexually molested by guys my own age on many occasions, while I was sleeping etc but I blame myself.
I am "over it" so to say, but Im not really over it, because my personality has been coloured by this, as someone else explained. My whole life has been coloured by these experiences.
Both my parents are very clever (my mum is a lawyer and dad is an author)- albeit damaged emotionally, and raised me to be smart too, even though they also didn't realise what effects the abuse had on me. Maybe I am just sensitive and "tortured" like all artists, or do I have valid reasons to be messed up? Can I heal this? I hate being lonely and scared all the time. I want to open up but I just freeze when I am around people and start gritting my teeth. I dont know why I am so crazy.
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