Child Abuse Story From Amanda R

by Amanda R
(Missouri, USA)

Now age 27: 
When I think back to my childhood I remember always hiding under my round table in my room, hiding in the closets or attics. There were even times I would hide in the storage shed by the car port. Even in school I would always try to hide in the back of the classroom to be away from adults.

When I try to look back and try to see why I was so withdrawn, I remember how my mother used to scream at me when she got disturbed while helping Dad with his work. I wouldn't be anywhere near her, but I always got blamed for something.

There was a time period that I attempted to run away from home. From ages 3-17 I tried to run away. But every time I was returned home, my mother would beat me with a wooden spoon and shout at me. All I can remember hearing is the sound of the spoon hitting me. I can still hear her voice but I can't make out the words. Even when I didn't know how to tell time completely, I would be forced to sit in my bedroom for many hours, and was told to "think about what you have done." Even to this day I don't remember what I did that was so bad.

There were times that my only two best friends and my uncle were the only three people that I could talk to. Today I can only talk to who was once my best friend, he is now my boyfriend. He too went through abuse, only he went through it at the hands of his father. My father was never around, he was always working.

My father would buy me off with toys, and always try to suck up. But my mother was so mean to me. If one was to ask me what my childhood was like I would just say I don't remember.

When I would try to talk to another person about any of this they would say that what I went through wasn't abuse, and that I would be lying. Then I found this site. I answered yes to everything that was listed under physical and emotional abuse.

A few weeks ago I had bent down to get something when my boyfriend walked up behind me to get something off the table. I flinched. I know deep in my heart that the trauma I went through was causing so many problems in my life today. I want help. I want to find a balance. My boyfriend knows that I can't talk about what happened anymore. He knows that so many people have put me down and told me that I am so stupid in saying my mom is abusive. I am scared for my 14-year-old brother. I wonder every day what happens to him.

When my brother was born, my parents looked him over for disabilities, and even had him tested to make sure that he was perfectly healthy. My mother always rubbed in my face that my brother could read and write, and say his ABC's all before he was 4 years old. I was lucky to read before I was 10 years old. I couldn't write very well. I am 27 now and am still on a 5th grade reading level. Math I am still on a 1st grade level. My mom still puts me down for everything that I can't do. She won't even compliment my when I do do something good. She still says that I am stupid.

I still suffer from PTSD, as well as depression, and anxiety. When I go to my mom's house I feel like I am a prisoner, and I don't trust being in the same room with her. When she is cooking, if she goes to pick up a wooden spoon I leave the room. I want help. I want to get to where I am not scared anymore.

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.