Child Abuse Story From Amanda K1

by Amanda K
(British Columbia, Canada)

Honestly, it's hard to figure out where to start. I'm 17 years old now and it all began when I was only 6 years old. It started out as just touching and feeling, then gradually grew into more serious things. My mother would drive my father to his work and bring my little brother with her, leaving me alone with my older brother. Only because no one knew. He's only watching her for an hour, they'll be fine. Every night I would go into my room and sit on my bed and color. He would come in and ask what I was doing and I would tell him. He would slowly run his hands over my body and lightly push his hands down the back of my pants. I would freeze up, not knowing what to do. He would always tell me not to tell anyone or he would get taken away. I didn't want the brother I loved to get taken away, so I kept it a secret. I remember the first time he placed his fingers inside me I was only 7 years old. His cold slimy hands tracing my body and him doing things to me. Violating my body. Never having enough guts to tell. I felt sad and ashamed.

The "bath time" would start half a year later. My mom would drive my dad, and my brother would bathe me while they were out. He would place bubbles in the bath and slip into the tub with me, rubbing himself against me. I pushed him away one time and he slapped me across the face and told me that I had to do it his way. The next year was all the same. Only my father decided to get a job closer to home. We moved into a new house and this time I wasn't going to let him hurt me anymore. It stopped for about 2 months and I began to live a normal life again. I became happy and my grades in school went up. It was over, so I thought.

I had just turned 10. We had moved again and I felt that the haunting memories would leave and I would be all better. I guess I was wrong. My grade 5 teacher wondered about me because I wasn't associating with any other kids. I would work alone and act really weird. No one liked me in my class so I kinda fell out of the loop. My teacher said maybe she needs counseling. My mother said no way, nothing's wrong with her, and left it at that.

At age 11 I had just gotten settled in my new room when my brother walks in and closes the door. He moves my dresser in front of the door and closes the blinds. I didn't think anything of it until I realized it. He slid onto my bed and told me not to make any noise at all. He began to pull down my pants and panties and took off my shirt. Telling me to stand up and be quiet. He took off his clothing. I just froze, not knowing what was going to happen. He told me to lay on my bed, and I did. He whispered things into my ears and began to touch me. He told me that it would only hurt for a few minutes and then I would like it. I felt the stretch and my body begin to bleed. He began to go faster and harder. My eyes began to tear and I began to cry. He told me to shut up and hit me in the head, turning me over and getting a new angle. Once he was done he threw me a blanket and left my room. I felt dirty and abused. Ashamed at what just happened. Why didn't I stop it, I kept asking myself.

I just pretended it didn't happen, blocking it from my memories. My brother told my mother a week later that he just touched me and nothing else happened. And I began to go to counseling. I closed myself up and wouldn't tell anyone anything. I felt betrayed by everyone. I didn't know what to do. I didn't seem to have any friends at the time to talk to so I invented an imaginary friend named Amy. She helped me a lot.

Age 11-13. I thought it was all over. My counseling was over. My life was just beginning. I was close to my 12th birthday. I was excited and happy. I had blocked a lot of it out and it didn't really affect me a lot. So I thought.

About a week after my birthday passed, my brother told me how sorry he was for doing it and I said okay and just walked away. Later that night I heard my door creek and felt his hand go over my mouth. I tried to scream but I couldn't. He sexually molested me twice that night. He told me it was only the beginning, and that he would be back every night. It became a routine. Even when I had a friend over. He would create a game of hide and seek and I would be the seeker and when he saw me coming he would take me into the back room and molest me again and again. I would try and sleep over at my friends' houses more often but he would still find away to have sex with me. It hurt so much each time. As the days passed I got used to this fact of life. Maybe it was supposed happen this way.

Age 14. The end was near, I could feel it. I didn't know what was going to happen but I knew I had to do something about it. It was the last time he was going to touch me again. I wanted to grow up so fast so I could get away but it would never come quick enough. We moved into a trailer park near the lake, which was fine. I met some new people. There was this girl I met who seemed to have some interest in my brother, so I let it happen. They began to date and he started to leave me alone. It was a year later when he told her that he had abused me and she understood his circumstances. "He was abused when he was young and he took out his anger on me." It seemed to have finally stopped for good.

Age 15. The weeks grew on and the days passed I began to dig a hole and throw that part in. But every time I filled in that hole it would come back. I knew it was over for good. And I had realized it. I was continuously scared it would begin again.

Age 16-17. I still think to this day he'll come back and hurt me. I know he won't. It seems like when I meet someone new I wanna get to know them quickly and see if they have been abused to. I have found a few, and I'm really close to T and B. It's like the things you may not know may be better than the things that you will soon know. Life throws unexpected curve balls and you have to just get stronger. I have realized that a thing that happened when you were young shouldn't affect you when you get older if you don't let it affect you. You just have to look at it positively. I'm graduating this June 2010, I have a good paying job, I'm well liked, tons of friends, after high school I'm planning on going to collage to be a retail manager or a police officer. You have to learn to look at life from different angles and believe in yourself.

Believe in yourself and you will achieve. Miracles happen when you believe. If you follow a quote it can take you wherever you want to go.
Thank you for reading my story and letting me read yours. Just remember, do what you have to and do whatever you need to do to survive.

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