Child Abuse Story From Alyssa

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Child Abuse Story From Alyssa

by Alyssa
(Location Undisclosed)

21 years of mixed emotions. From the stories that my mom has told me to what I remember, my parents used physical punishment for everything. My mom told me that when I was 3 she "laid in on me big time" because I was unrolling the glue stick too much. She said that she hit me so hard that she broke a blood vessel in her hand and told me I couldn't sit for a couple of days without crying. After she told me this, she stated that she was sorry. But, I just couldn't forgive her (and don't know if I should). She was only apologizing for that one time, how about all of the other times? How about now?

For many years, I thought what they did to me and my brother was normal. What I hated the most was when she hit me and did not tell me why. For instance, when I was 7ish, I was talking to a new girl that was about my age in front of our house. When I was done, I was so excited that I made a friend (did not have many when I was little) that I wanted to tell my mom. However, when I saw her face I knew that I did something wrong, I just didn't know what. She took my upstairs to my room and told me to undress while she got dad's belt. This is the part I hated the most, it was a humiliating feeling to get undress (especially when I was older). When she came back, she beat me with that belt on my bare body for at least 15 min non-stop. Since she said nothing to me, I figured that making friends was a bad thing, therefore I never talked to that girl ever again. But, it didn't stop then. When I was a junior in high school, I got off of the bus and immediately when I got inside she had a belt in her hand. Till this day I still don't know what I did. When I do ask, all she would say is, what is 2 + 2? Obviously, she wasn't looking for the mathematical answer. I had to try and understand what she was talking about. I hated that game. I always lost.

Through the years, as my brother and I got older the punishments increased. I remember getting in trouble at least 3 times a week (wonder if this is really abuse). It was first the hand, then my mom bought a paddle. However, the paddle only lasted for a year or so because she broke it on my brother (He was maybe 9). So then came the belt, first the leather part, then the buckle. I was always covered in bruises and marks. I hurt for days after being hit. Then by the time I start to feel better I some how get myself into trouble again. Also after an intense beating or yelling I would physically get sick with flu like or cold like symptoms. I knew that it was all in my head, but I just could not help it. I feel like crap afterwards.

However, the part that hurts the most was my parents fighting. The yelling, screaming, and staying up all night to make sure that they wouldn't hurt each other. My dad has also tried to commit suicide multiple of times. I believe I have tried stop him at least 5 times, starting at the age of 10. It seemed like he tried everything from using a knife, gun, jumping from high places, to suffocation. After an age (upper high school), I started not to care. I just wanted it to be over (selfish right?). Happy, sad, happy, sad....I started to go numb. I started to not feel anything anymore and that is how I am today.

I am so confused on how I should feel. Through all of this, they tell me that we are a "true" family. If this is how a family is suppose to be, then I don't want one! I hate living in fear and continuously feeling like I am walking on eggshells. I know, I am an adult now (21) and I don't have to deal with it anymore. I have my own apartment and going to college, but I am not completely on "my own". I go back to make sure all is well, to make sure that I am there when things go bad in order to keep them from doing something they will regret. While I am back at home I listen to their hurtful words and feeling their wrath when things aren't going well. Don't get me wrong, we have good times and those memories I am trying to keep alive. Therefore, I would rather take a punch then see my parents dead as a result of a bad argument and knowing I could have stopped it. I wonder if I'm crazy. If I'm technically "asking for it" because I go back. If I'm stupid for thinking this way. They have done so much for me, should I just forget about it and let it go or so to say "take the good with the bad". 21 years of mixed emotions. Thanks for listening.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach

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Child Abuse Story From Alyssa

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Jul 02, 2011

Alyssa:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Not selfish. Not selfish at all. You have the right to live your life as a healthy stable young woman. You were abused, on a physical and emotional level, and in more ways than you realize. You witnessed spousal violence; and that put you in an impossible position as a young girl. You became part of the dysfunctional dynamic within the family. The role you played then you continue to play now, and your family's dysfunction fuels that role each and every time you get together. You get drawn into it because it's familiar. You now have to decide what you want in your life, because only you can break the cycle. Your parents won't. And you can't control your parents. You can only control how YOU react and respond. If you decide you've had enough and break the cycle (the role you play) be prepared for the backlash from your family. They each have their own role in the dysfunction, and each will likely turn on you in an effort to lure you back into the dysfunction. They're pros at this. That's why I strongly recommend some form of counselling. Perhaps your college provides access to a counsellor. If so, take full advantage of the resource. You didn't deserve to be abused, Alyssa. You deserve help for the fact that you were. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Jul 02, 2011

ITS NOT YOU
by: Anonymous

Hi girl,
I've found the hard way that sometimes when we are part of a dysfunctional family and the people that are supposed to take care of us both physically and mentally and nurture us are doing those horrible things FOR NO REASON, what happens is that subconsciously they a)make us THEIR parents and b) communicate that we are somehow to blame for the abuse we endured even though we were never told WHY.
After years of therapy I have come to terms with two truths. First: no matter what they say or do, ABUSE is ABUSE. It doesnt matter if it happened once or 3 times per week. It is ABUSE. And the people who are supposed to be looking after your wellfare are actually hurting you. These people are adults with CHOICES. If there are troubles in their lives, they should find a way to sort them out OR get help (therapy). There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for abuse of any kind. No justification. You couldnt have done anything to help them out. they had the money and the power and the knowledge to help themselves out. And by not doing this they put you into danger. Second: all of us who were made to feel "responsible" for our parents welfare OR even life (as in your case), need to understand that this is actually a mind game. It feels that this is real BUT in all honesty there is nothing you can do to prevent your parents from killing each other. Again, these are adults. You might love them but if they are SO troubled they need help. You are not to be living your life worrying on a daily basis of what would happen to them if you werent around.
You are very young. In my humble opinion you need to get some form of help (therapy) because you have already started bottling up your feelings. And this can lead to all sorts of troubles like depression, dissociations etc. Once you are on therapy your therapist will help you out to express and come to terms with the horrible things that happened to you and deal with your trauma. Remember that it is not an easy process. But the only way out is through. Once you deal with what has to be dealt with you WILL feel an incredible feeling of relief and you will reclaim your life without guilt!!! (or constantly thinking of your parents and having to go back there to babysit them as if they are KIDS! YOU ARE THEIR KID NOT THEM! Please remember that).

Jul 02, 2011

Such cruelty
by: Anonymous

Alyssa, something's seriously wrong with your so-called parents. That's not discipline; that's just torture and abuse; remember, abuse is abuse.Plus, they really are sadistic brutes too. You deserved so much better than what they did to you. Oh, and did I mention that they even set you up for failure? They really are manipulators and I'm sorry to even believe that they really wanted you to fail just so they could keep controlling you. Oh, and stripping you naked and beating you for having a friend come over was a cowardly thing to do. Oh, and they are not a "true" family; in fact, TRUE families would never do such things to such a helpless little girl you once were. You are not to blame for their sadistic, ignorant behavior; they are to blame because they chose to abuse you. You were the child; they were the adults; they had all the power and only misused it over you. Oh, and I'm glad that you are in a safe place now; I just hope that you try counselling.

Jul 03, 2011

we never hit kids i stand in front of them protect them i hit anyone hit them then i was in trouble but i think you need to just be happy now
by: Anonymous

first thought i am a mom my son had girlfriend he ask me to buy necklace she couldnt take it her parents mad ok think how different we are i even kept the necklace sentimental reasons cute to me an the parents got mad god sake they didnt beat their kids an weapons used on you i thik horrible and no one i know did that around me at least matter fact anyone my kid try to hit anyone i stand in between them so they didnt hit each other i think of my mom too she did that i hated it but now i thik understand why , i never beleived in punishment at all an i am being accused as to why that my one kid has issues but i dont buy it i thik issue are from her dad side his kids from x she see violence they beat the hell out of each other and also i seen it too plus he got beat me i had a fairy tale life an i also gave my kids family the same , schol is all we had issues an normal teen stuff but the adult abusers the punishers in family they are to blame you decide about new day now what consequence thouh i wonder did they have to this type of behaviror treat thier kid i wonder any , at least apply some consequence why care is what i wish my kid think feel i get dragged into stuff arguments and such hate it they go on endless days grudges that type of thing too not a way to live the happy part thats a way to live focus on that maybe you forget it not forgive them its a difference an anyway what they do to change do they deserve forgivness only you know that an make sure you say i forgive you so they know they did this not pretend if i say one little word out of anger my kid hold it against me forever so that type of behavior beating weapons what it called corporal punishment come on thats wrong see now you got to power to decide they took away from you as a kid you can with hold friendship an other stuff its very hard but its your life i think happy part is the best idea

Jul 03, 2011

don't stay with these people
by: Tim L.

From your story, it doesn't sound like your parents did anything good for you other than what they are required to do by law. Having given birth to children and retaining custody means that parents are obligated to feed, clothe, educate, and ensure the safety of their children. You have no need to feel grateful for any of those things, nor does it create a debt especially given the cruel physical and emotional abuse your parents inflicted upon you.

You cannot save them, and it isn't your responsibility to. You shouldn't sacrifice yourself and your own mental health out of the belief that you can help your abusive parents; you can't. They need professional help, and if the only way they are going to get it is by having an explosion in their marriage, then I say you should let them do it. Just walk away, make your own life, and don't concern yourself with their fake apologies and unstable lives.

Jul 06, 2011

what went on behind closed doors in the name of Family
by: maurice

Your story is so typical of what went on behind closed doors in the name of so called discipline, correction, family, parents: Alyssa, so much of this went on in secret, yet the innocent child/adolecent out of fear kept the pain of it within and were reminded by the scars bruiese such instrument made on their tiny tender bodies: somehow up 12 being told to undrss for a beating seemed normal because children obeyed automatically feeling mommy or daddy knows best: I am bold, I am naughty, I did wrong things so I must be humiliated and beaten to make me good: Oh now when I think back the cruelty of those beatings: You sure must read Darlene's empowering words to you: She sure knows your parents were wrong: abusive and totally out of order in that physical abuse on your tender body: Take her advice to heart: She knows best: she is a victim of abuse into victory over it: Her words will empower you: They are from her woman's heart: Each time I say that in a comment I have come to know all is said from a sincere loving, caring woman to the innocent, vunerable child that suffered abuse in whatever form: The loving thing is that she makes it so personal to each of her visitors: That is a natural gift she has been blessed with to relate to the individual in her comment: Always Believe in Yourself Alyssa: You'll be a winner over those cruel abusive parents: The more I watch innocent children being ever so happy at play and with their parents today I keep asking how could anyone degrade them, abuse their beautifulness and there tenderness: I grew up in a very unreal and harsh indifferent world where inflicting pain and punishment in the name of discipline was taken as normal: Sad, sad, because many of us are still living with the effects of it: Alyssa, Thanks to some form of counselling many of us have put all that happened to us into perspective: You will too in time but do please heed the loving words of Darlene: You take charge of your own life, be safe, stay safe, love your beautiful self: surround yourself with true and real friends your own age and gender: Have a healthy mind in a healthy body: Take part in sporting and cultural activities especially team sports: How could I: my team mates will see my bruised body: That will go unnoticed after a short time: have courage and show off your giftedness, your tallents, and your leadership qualities: After a while you'll feel good about yourself, build up your self worth and confidence: Alyssa trust me, this will work wonders for you: Be gentle and kind on yourself: Look in the mirror and say positive things about the loving tender me looking out at you: Love that beautiful body of yours be kind to it: hug and cuddle it, be gentle and soothe it all over from time to time with body scented oils creams: ah Alyssa you'll be in charge of your beautiful self when you do: Make nice and erase those scars made by uncaring, unloving parents: Follow Darlene's empowering words in her comment to you;

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Child Abuse Story From Alyssa

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Child Abuse Story From Alyssa