Child Abuse Story From Alia

by Alia
( Location Undisclosed)

I hated my childhood and wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I had good providers for parents but received no emotional support from them. No Hugs, Kisses, no "I love you?" My parents were hardworking and did their best to raise me and my little brother. They moved from Pakistan and wanted to raise "good respectful" children. From the time I was five I was in charge of watching my little brother, washing dishes, cleaning his mess, and being his general caretaker while my parents were at work. It was evident to anyone who saw my family dynamics that my brother was the favorite and I was the obedient/responsible one.

I can remember getting a beating every night from my mom for leaving a mess or breaking dishes. I would get disciplined in front of other family members to show how disciplined I was.

I remember one road trip where my brother put gum in my hair. I had very long hair and for punishment my mom combed the gum out of my hair.

Sometimes I would have bruises from the night before and I was told not to tell anyone or I would be put in a foster family and be alone. I grew in fear of my parents and did everything trying to avoid beatings. I think my parents made me look like the perfect target for an abuser. I hated weekends or when school ended because that was the only place I felt I could be myself and feel love and receive positive reinforcement.

I was molested by three different people, all of whom I respected and looked up to. I can't remember the duration of each encounter (1 week to 3 months). I just remember some events.

First, it was a family friend who was driving me to vacation bible school. He would fondle my privates while he drove me to the school. After school, he would take me to his place and repeat the same actions in his bedroom. I was in shock the whole time, knowing it was wrong but didn't know what to do. I never screamed, I never said stop, or showed any signs of distress. I showed no emotion. When he would drive me home he'd tell me not to tell anyone and I nodded.

The second time was when I was 11 years old and was with my grandfather (Dad's father) who had raised me until I was 5 years old. I was very close to the man and was happy when he visited the country. At the time, me and my brother slept in the same bed. My grandfather would come in and tuck us both in and tell us bedtime stories. While he said his stories he would fondle me under the sheets. My brother would be asleep and he would proceed to fondle, attempt to penetrate, and perform oral sex on me. I remember, laying there thinking, "Again, this again."

My last encounter was with my uncle when I was 13 years old and he would run his hands up my skirt. I had that same "again" feeling, and I remember talking really loud and moving away from him and he started feeling uncomfortable/ and backed off. Then I ran home. I was happy I stood up for myself.

I never told this to anyone when I was young because all 3 of them had families who I guess I cared about their well being more than they did. I wouldn't imagine telling my parents because it would shatter their world and I couldn't bear the thought of being called a liar.

I can't climax during any sexual encounter without thinking about one of these three men. I feel sick afterwards and wonder why I do it. Needless to say I do run into these men in my life here and there and we all pretend like nothing happened. I don't even know how to act. Sometimes I stay quiet and stare them down or other times I talk to them like everything's normal.

My boyfriend suggested counseling but I have no interest in telling this to stranger face to face. I hate to show emotions and have a hard time trusting people. My parents are more loving now since they grew to assimilate into the culture more. But, I am still very distant from them and pull away from hugs/kisses they try to offer or any kind of family bonding attempts. I feel a sense of duty towards them more than love for them. I used to have a lot of bad habits from stealing, lying, to binge eating. I stopped all that and started to take care about myself. I know it wasn't my fault. Right now I'm trying to just move on and not continue to punish myself for what was out of my control.

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