Child Abuse Story From Alex GL

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Child Abuse Story From Alex GL

by Alex
(London, England)

I'm 22, male from London and my story is a little embarrassing for me to tell but I don't know where else to go. my father R-- abused me all my life, right up until I moved out at 17. I live on my own now and work and everything's pretty normal except for my sex life.

I'v been in love with a friend for a long time now, and recently we got together which I'm delighted about but when we go to make love I find it so difficult and I think its to do with what I suffered through growing up.

my father abused me both physical and sexual and I'v had a hard time dealing with it. I did therapy from 16 to 19 and though I was over it, it helped a little, making me feel I'm worth more than my father thought, and the lady was nice, but I got too embarrased to go into detail about what exactly happened and I thought she just felt sorry for me so I gave it up.

my father had drinking problems and would often beat me with his fists or more often his belt leaving some scars. but a few times I'm ashamed to say he raped me from behind and forced me to give him oral. I'm not proud of anything and I use to feel little worth in me, but I try to move on since I'm free of that. he has disowned me and I want nothing to do with him either.

my girlfriend was always there for me and knew about beatings and abuse and hugged me when I cried over it, but I never told her about the sex part of it, I was too ashamed to tell her, I don't think I could bear her knowing.

I finally worked up the courage to tell her how I feel about her and surprisingly she went on a date with me. I couldn't believe my luck and was so happy. A few months in everything was great until we slept together, I started feeling nervous and sick and almost cried myself to sleep after it was over it was so humiliating. I though it was a once off until we did it again.

now when we make love, I find it hard to.. you know, get it up, when she touches my penis I feel dirty and I tremble (not in a good way) and when we climax I cant help but picture my father in my room, drunk and gripping my hair as he violated me. it hurt so much and he tore me open inside that I bled and now I cant even have sex with my girlfriend without these feelings re-surfing. its not her, shes amazing and I do love feeling her body, its just when she touches me, that's when it starts.

she understands I had a bad upbringing but I cant keep this going, I have wanted her for so long that I cant mess this up, I cant lose her I love her too much and soon she will figure out something is up, I'm too ashamed to tell her. I don't want to think of my father everytime I have sex!

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach

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Child Abuse Story From Alex GL

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Jul 05, 2011

Alex:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

First and foremost, you have nothing, NOTHING to feel shame or embarrassment for. The shame and embarrassment is not yours to bear. Shame, embarrassment and blame is on the shoulders of your father because he chose to sexually offend you. You were the child, a child without power. HE had all the power. HE had all the control. And he used that power and control in a heinous way. You were vulnerable...he took advantage of the vulnerability. Secondly, I'm going to address something here that may or may not have happened to you, but it is worth mentioning. Understand that it is perfectly normal for a young male to experience an erection when he is anxious, scared or nervous. And it is equally normal for a young male to experience an orgasm when he is being sexually assaulted. When this happens, most males cannot forgive themselves. But what they don't realize is that their bodies betrayed them. They were still sexually assaulted. Thirdly, you need more help than anyone here can provide, Alex. You need the help of a professional to help you to put things into perspective, and then to replace the horrible memories, memories than invade you when you're trying to make love to the woman you love. What happened to you will likely never go away. When I say "replace", I mean just that; focusing on the loving, beautiful act that lovemaking is. The number one sexual organ of the body is the mind. If you can get help with your thoughts, you can overcome this. And lastly, when two people really love each other, secrets such as this one will destroy the relationship. Your partner has to prove to you that she's trustworthy, and trust does mean taking a risk, but you must decide whether or not the risk is worth it. If this continues, chances are, without knowing why things are happening as they are in your lovemaking, she will either blame herself (which you likely don't want) or she will decide to leave the relationship. So now you have some choices to make. Just remember that you didn't deserve to be sexually assaulted. You certainly deserve help for the fact that you were. And you deserve to be in a loving and healthy relationship. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Jul 05, 2011

i have a different way to look at this than moderator traditional way but see what you think
by: Anonymous

ok so dont lose her , and i am sort of different i have a different idea , why i just think this would work better for you instead of working on the past what he did fix that why dont you find some way to work on your relationship with her change the theme i mean make it about how are you going to do stuff with her sex an other stuff her not fix thought s past keep mind focus on her an you even new relationship ideas stuff what couples do make relationshps better how there so many things couples do now young yoga i know sound stupid just example but what do guys do anyone ones not abused make it better do this think hard, work on your new real life make that better the thought will fade eventually for good why i know you can do this an if you have capabilty to love then you can do this at leat what you said how you wanted relationships i feel you can do this , just waht you said is why how you say it, the moderator she ok but her way is

Jul 05, 2011

i really think alternative way to heal work on life realtinshps now an learn facts about sex an thinking stuf vs doing compare it to anyone life read books you see what i mean
by: Anonymous

its not always like that ok couseling dosnt have to be same old stuff i think you be better do this new life what would you do make this relatinshp better would it be activivites you bond with her an what is sex with out love anyway ,, she an you love each other it work it up to you if you tell her i wouldnt do that right away or at all depend on what you feel but see if you can work on bonding with her so you feel trust when you intimate is what you need to feel then you be ok do everything you can think make you too close and all, i am old i dont know what kidn of person or sex wise she is everyone different too young though i dontknow but i do relationship ideas help about her an you

Jul 05, 2011

faith!
by: jess d

I completely understand. U r strong.I would go back to therapy. Also knowing u love her n she loves u. .maybe sharing details wit her or Therapist will help. U made it this far don't give up. U have gone through alot n im sorry for all your pain. Be strong n say ur complete story details .....ALL of it!!!! God b with u n make u strong.

Jul 06, 2011

Don't Quit: YOU be the winner: Always believe in yourself
by: maurce

Alex GL you'll be fine: You are a courageous young adult with plenty to live for for: You have employment: You have your own independence: You are safe: You have a loving, caring, respecting, understanding Girl Friend: You have been so honest and this will help you broaden your horizons: ALWAYS BELIEVE IN YOURSELF: A bad, Bad Man not worth the name as being part of the male human species abused you: Alex Gl: Darlene's site is that safe haven site where each of us can begin letting out and letting go our true gut feelings about what our abuser did to us in truth and in detail: She is one very special woman: Her vision in setting up her site was in no half measure to empower you, me and her now many visitors to make new beginnings and move on: I want you to have a healthy mind in a healthy body: This will mean Young intelligent, gifted, tallented young adult with leadership qualities (Captain) taking part with like-minded young men in team sports soccer/rugby to name a few: This will open up a whole new world of thought for you: You'll healthily begin to appreciate that beautiful body of yours: Be gentle and kind to it: Darlene has given you her time in the lengthy comment she has loving wrote to you from her heart: Be re-assured by her words: That beast did you an injustice, You were never to blame: It was never your fault, you were so beautifully innocent and vunerable as a child>adolecent: he was in control: It was humiliating enough for me to have my bottom exposed for a spanking/beating: I cannot imagine being raped: The effects that would have on a young boy child: Hi if you can and be brave seek out some form of counselling NOW putting an adult mind on the value of it for you:
Darlene and all who leave comments for you want to be your friend but also want what is best for you: So yong matcho young man be gentle and kind on yourself and your body: Hug and cuddle love (real) back into your own beautiful body: Stop being ashamed of it, that man did the dirty acts to it: Not you: Stay with the moment when you and your girl friend are together: It is natural, real, etc: You'll be fine Alex GL: massage your body with soothing body lotions and cream: You'll feel good: value and respect yourself and your body: I WILL I CAN I MUST; ALEX GL SAY BECAUSE I AM WORTH IT: Have a healthy mind in a healthy body: read and take ownership of Darlene's professional and a womans heart empowering words to you: You are as normal as the day you were born: Be the winner over that sicko, beast, brute, of a so called drunken father: No excuses and I would never condone what he did to you in his drunken state: Stay safe: be safe; live well laugh often and love much: My motto I will I can etc

Jul 06, 2011

To Alex
by: Anonymous

Hi Alex, I totally agree with Darlene and you are a very strong person to have told your story to us, thank you. I believe that hypnosis may help to retrain your mind.

Jul 06, 2011

its not your fault, you are beautifull, dont be ashamed!
by: Katie

Alex first of all you are so strong and brave for telling this story,I cant imagine how it must feel for a young man to admit these feelings, espically having problems when it comes to sex.

I know you are in love with this girl, but try to accept the fact that with love, no secrets should be kept, if you told her and she left you in disgust or shock, then your better off without her because nobody with a heart could turn you away after telling a secret so personal. If she truely loves you back she will be understanding and love you, and be patient with sex.

Just because your a boy does not mean you have to rush into sex, I know it would be hard to tell a girl this, but if you keep this a secret longer she will think it is because of her, if she only knew the pain you are going through then she might understand why you find sex difficult.

In regards to your father, I dont think he even deserves being called that. he treated you cruelly, violioted you sexually and often beat you. he has no right to call himself a father to you. Do not blame yourself, you didnt mention any other reason other than him being drunk, but even if you did make him angry or whatever abuse like this is wrong.

you have nothing to be ashamed at either about getting an erection [if you did] when you were abused. Guys can have them anytime in the most inappropiate moments, you can't control your body, so dont feel ashamed about how your body reacted to this abuse.

you sound so sweet, like you really love your girlfriend, I think you need to be very relaxed before you make love with her. I know this wont make all your problems dissapear, but try some relaxing candles, maybe soft music, remember you are with her, alone, NOT WITH YOUR FATHER. remember he cant hurt you, just in the the moment with your girl. tell her to talk to you when she touches you, just so you remember who your with.

take your time, dont worry about not getting hard straight away, girls love it when guys play around first. when you do feel ready, look into her eyes and remember your safe with her and your father cannot touch you.

and when its over, dont cry, be as strong as I know you can be, dont feel dirty or ashamed, sleep beside her knowing that you are loved, and having sex with her was natural. you are so brave and such a sweet guy, I hope everything works out for you!! take care.

Jul 07, 2011

You are strong! So very strong!
by: Anonymous

Alex, you are an incredibly strong person. ALL survivors of abuse are because trust me, some people didnt make it through the pain and even ended their lives! I know what it feels like to have those images imprinted in your head and not being able to shake them. Sexual abuse of any nature doesnt just go away, unfortunately. You think you have it all "compartmentalised" and you are over it, you do your best to move on and live a very successful life otherwise and then SOMETHING happens and it brings you back to the nasty memories. What you are experiencing is actually pretty normal. I mean think of it this way, havent you heard of people that they had an accident or their health was bad and even though they got better it took them very long to start living "normally" again because they couldnt trust their bodies? Physically they were fine, subconsciously they were STILL afraid and self protecting and ended up having various psychosomatic reactions??? The body has the tendency to remember even when the brain goes "nope, I wont go there". The PHYSICAL sensation of closeness is what brings everything back. Your body is reacting as it should! It remembers the horrible times and it reacts.
YOU are not a dirty person!! You feel dirty because a very DIRTY man, a sick man, a man that has NO RIGHT to be called your father did those vile things to you! But its going to take a while Alex before you process what happened, deal through the pain properly and eventually moving on...Alex, I so wish I could give you easy answers you know give you a "fact sheet" of what you do to get over this...

Jul 07, 2011

YOU ARE STRONG 2
by: Anonymous

We all wished for that "fact sheet" but it doesnt work this way mate! What you experienced with your therapist is again very normal. I sort of held back with my previous therapist because I was too embarassed to tell her things. She did make a difference to my life but couldnt work on the sexual abuse issues just the physical and emotional abuse and I always felt like something was missing you know? It took me many years to address the problem and surprise-surprise I started dealing with it when I first started dating my boyfriend. And I was terrified that he would leave me. But you know what? He didnt! He was very understanding. There is no easy way to breech the topic you just take a leap of faith. If you DO feel that this is the one and you do love her you need to let her know. I just sat him down and went "P...this is my family like, this is what they put me through...that's why I act thus and thus...Im just telling you because you deserve to know and because I trust you fully". Girls are more emotional than guys and so you've got a high chance she'll be your most avid supporter! Its a fact of life. Most guys just go "let me buy you a beer then" but girls are ok with external displays of emotion so dont worry about that :D She might get livid at your dad but thats ok!
Nevertheless I do have to tell you that you cannot deal with this alone. Its the nature of the situation that one simply cannot go through with and solve alone. Self help and good friends go only that far! You need a good therapist to walk you through the stages of healing. Especially if you're experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder you definitely need someone to help out cause it can get daunting. Can you get free counceling on the NHS? I know its expensive but you NEED to do this for YOU. It will be the greatest investment you will ever make cause you invest in your soul and it ALWAYS pays back 1000fold! I have every faith in you Alex that YOU ARE going to make it! You sound like such an intelligent, vibrant, alive young man! You are a fighter. Never forget that. We are ALL fighters. But even fighters need some rest comming back from war!!

Jul 10, 2011

keeep your head up
by: nicole

just know that theres more to you than being a sexual abuse victim, you're a human being with a right to feel safe and comfortable.

TAKE HIS POWER

<3

Jul 18, 2011

To Alex
by: Anonymous

Alex, Darlene is right you need much more help then reading the words of wisdom written here. You need the help of people trained to help you. I was much in your situation and would never have fully told my story because of the shame and guilt that I placed on my own shoulders. I have never posted my story here, maybe one day i will. I sat down for months with a therapists before i finally screamed in his face that my father had actually been raping me since i was 7. The clever part was that he had planned the whole thing because i was going no where just sitting and talking quietly. Seconds later i was crying in his arms, he wanted the truth and when i finally released all my secrets thats when he started to help me. I still see him even today it is not a short and easy journey. All my love. David

Jul 18, 2011

Hearts speak to each other even from a distance
by: maurice

Alex GL let all the love from these hearts who have written you caring affirming words: You can see they all want the best for you: Darlene's set these hearts throbbing to write what they did to you: Darlene's comment is the one to act on so that the others then re-assure that you will do what is the best for yourself: Stay in Therapy it may be pain ful at times but no it will put all your suffered into perspectiev in time: Be brave stay with it

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Child Abuse Story From Alex GL

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Child Abuse Story From Alex GL