Child Abuse Story From Aiden1
by Aiden
(Location Undisclosed)
Darlene:
I have to confess to having originally come to your web site some time ago as a result of my kinky fetish. However I went away feeling sick to the stomach with the stories I read. Maybe too close to home. So much so that for a long time I did not come back. Somehow reality has a way of waking me up! Anyway I decided to write some of my story and here it is. Given what sort of person I am, I do not know if you will publish it.
There are two reasons I am writing. First is a sort of cathartic effort on my part and the second is an attempt for me to understand my wife and this will hopefully become clear later in the message.
As a child I was forbidden to masturbate. The puberty talk had begun long before I reached puberty about how I would develop urges and feelings. Not knowing the strength of the emotional drive that accompanies puberty, I promised my parents faithfully that I would never ever masturbate. As puberty hit, I was constantly emotionally torn between resisting the pressure and then giving in and masturbating and then confessing to my parents. Or being caught in the act. They used words like "supporting me" and "working with me" to control my self. From my early teens, I was constantly supervised. I was not allowed any privacy. I had to leave my bedroom door open and the night light on. At night, they would stand in the darkened hall way where they could see me but I could not see them. I never knew when they were watching. I was OK with this. They were helping me. Even when I went to the toilet, I had to leave the door partially open and likewise when showering, the door had to be left open. One of my parents would often come into the bath room and watch me shower. If I was weak and masturbated then I would confess or be caught. Either way I was paddled. I was paddled time and time again for being weak.
Because I did not get release through masturbation, I had wet dreams. They were incredibly strong vivid dreams of a very sexual nature and I would waken with my pjs wet and sticky right up my chest. I had to recount these dreams to my parents and we would pray for the strength to resist this temptation. I was not punished for these dreams although if my parents thought I was lying, then I would be punished for lying and lusting. Anyway I was a truthful child I do not recall lying. But they would question me in depth and detail. "Did I even once try and rub my self"? We tried lots things to help control this. As it normally happened in the early morning I would be woken and made to have a cold shower. I remember standing, shivering and sobbing in the cold water being watched by one parent or the other until my erection went down. Trying to manage this daemon became an almost all of life thing. We tried having me wear underwear at night and tucking my penis so that it was facing backwards. At other times we would then add a large number of pairs of underpants so that not only could I not get an erection because my penis was facing backward, I would not even be able to handle myself because of the layers of clothing. Mind you because of the difficulty of removing all of these layers, I ended up wetting the bed which further eroded my self esteem and my parents reacted by expressing their disappointment. Even going to the point of making me wear diapers which fulfilled the requirement to limit access to my penis and reinforcing my childish lack of self control and dependence on them. This was in the 1970s and there were no disposable diapers. I had to wear a cotton babies diaper folded and stuffed down the front of my underpants and pair of plastic pants over the top. A plastic sheet was used to protect the mattress and especially in summer it was hot, sticky and noisy and was a further reminder to lie still in bed as any rhythmic movement was like an alarm bell to my parents and a reminder to me to lie still.
So here I am in my forties with kinky interests and spending my time surfing the internet looking for soft porn and stories of abuse. That was how I came to your web site some time ago. Sorry.
By the time I was 16 this was a full on battle between me and the daemon. I both loved and hated my parents at the same time as they supported me. By this time I considered my self weak as I was unable to control the urges on my own and I was wetting the bed pretty much continuously. At some stage I had been either been caught masturbating or had simply confessed after the act of doing it while I was doing my home work. I don't remember actually. From then on though the diaper had to be on before I sat down to do my homework which had to be done sitting at a table in the corner of our lounge room where my parents could watch me. I had to ask if I could use the bath room and one of them would often accompany me and wait while I went to the toilet. Having someone watch you while you go to the toilet and just carrying on a conversation with you was just so embarrassing. Physical weakness had to be countered with physical punishment. Any lapse meant stripping naked in front of them and then bending over and being paddled. As well as the physical pain there was the utter and total humiliation of standing naked in front of two fully dressed adults. I was of course supposed to fear the punishment so much that I would overcome the physical desire to masturbate. And after every punishment I would vow never to succumb again but usually within a month I had had a lapse and been punished again. Sometimes I would lapse and not report it but then guilt would build inside and I would confess or I would lapse again and get caught. Mornings were the time of greatest temptation and there was always the fear that I would be weak when going to the bathroom when my parents were asleep so I was not allowed to relieve myself until they had arisen. This meant lying in bed absolutely desperate to pee and eventually just wetting myself. I do not know if there is anything more demoralizing than wetting yourself. It is even worse than waking up wet. In addition, the plastic pants would inevitably leak and so I would spend the last hours of many nights lieing in a cold clammy wet bed with wet night clothes.
So that is the story of my youth. I lived at home while I attended college and the struggle continued although sometime while I was at college, my parents eased off. I think though too that I had in a way learned to abstain. I do still have a calender from when I was 22, that has a green tick on each day of abstinence and a big black X for a lapse and it has a green tick on every day except one which as the black cross. Abstinence for almost a whole year!.
There is more to my story. I am now married with children and this is where the subject of the story changes somewhat. My eldest child, a boy, is now eleven and my wife suggested that I give him the talk. Now the physical aspect of puberty and respect for girls and all that I am OK with but I felt somewhat inadequate to discuss masturbation with him. So I thought I would discuss it with my wife to try to ensure that I took a more balanced approach with him than my parents did with me. Now she does not know the detail of my upbringing that I have given you above. She does know that I struggled with it and that my parents did not want me to engage in it but nothing of the detail. So one evening recently after the kids were in bed I said to her that I wanted to talk with her about what I would say to our son. I had bought a book to give him but upon reading it, to my surprise, it did not even mention it. Not that I could find anyway. Now my wife had a fairly conservative up bringing and to my knowledge does not have a kinky bone in her body. Sex between us is enjoyable but what I would describe as traditional. Usually I initiate it and that starts usually a day in advance with making sure the house is clean and tidy and so on. Kids are occupied or better at friends places and we are home alone or I book us a hotel and we go on a holiday without the kids for a day or two and go to a concert or the theater.
So you can see I am somewhat surprised when discussing the proposed talk with her, that when I get to the topic of masturbation, she tells me that she rubbed her self a few times but once she realized what it was she was doing, that she stopped. She said she knows that boys have much more pressure than girls in this area.
As you may imagine, I am now very interested. Here I am having the conversation with my wife on the very topic that I waste hours on the net in search of. So I have to confess that I did then lead her off a bit and say well we could forbid him from masturbating. She says that she thinks clear boundaries are what is best and then says that we would have to be vigilant and that punishment may be what it takes for him to control him self.
So hear I am confessing my secret failings. (BTW, I think I will just give him the book and say read it and let me know if you have any questions and hope he does not ask about masturbation)
Thanks for listening.
Aiden
Note from Darlene: I welcome you to follow me on my Facebook page at
Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I hope to hear from you there!
Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.
