Child Abuse Story From Abby W
by Abby W
(New Orleans, USA)
This poem is about the fantasy of an abused child being rescued. I believed with all my heart that someone would take me away from my uncle, to show me what love really was.
When I dream I see your face ,
You reach out your hand ,
then all of a sudden my world is safe .
You touch my face with your motherly touch ,
for a moment I surfed above the clouds ,
for a moment I believed love was enough .
When I dream I feel like a child ,
You look into my eyes and sing to me
my favorite lullaby .
I catch a glimpse of my stolen innocence ,
and when I am scared , you are there ,
to rescue the child inside .
But when I'm awake I can't seem to find you .
I open my eyes and fall to my knees .
My heart starts pounding ,
Suddenly , It's hard to breathe .
Maybe this is real , and my dreams are surreal.
Right now there is nothing I want to feel .
When I walk outside I become weak .
My stomach fills up with vomit ,
I can no longer speak.
This world is not safe , I just want to scream.
Why is everyone staring at me ?
Out of the corner of my eye I see them turn green . I can't escape ,
They're right behind me .
One guys tongue is growing down to his feet.
Just close your eyes,close your eyes.
You are the mother ,
Who I only see when I dream .
I have to believe that one day you'll be real.
I think I was 3 or 3 1/2 years old when this started. I had to go live with my uncle L-- at a young age because my mom had severe mental problems (I lived with him until I was 6). That incident alone was extremely traumatic, I guess I had already bonded with my mom and she just left me with my uncle, I remember that day everyday of my life. I was kicking and screaming on the ground by her car begging her not to leave me. Anyway, my uncle started hurting me that same day. I was sitting on the sofa, the tv was on, but I was just starring off into nothing,like I normally do-even now. He picked me up and carried me to his desk. I didn't know at the time that he was watching porn on his computer- it looked like grown ups playing and wrestling. My uncle told me to watch the tv (it was a man licking a girls private part), he said the girl had a boo-boo and the man was making it feel better. While he was talking, his hand went in between my legs. He rubbed me for a long time. his fingers kept moving up and down and in circles. He asked me if it felt good, but I didn't know what to say. he asked me that a lot and after a while he got mad because I didn't say anything. ( my first thought was of my mother, I hated her for leaving me at this house. Then I thought, I must have done something wrong for her to leave me with my uncle, I am the worst child that was ever born.) He yelled and said I was supposed to say that it feels really good. Then he unzipped his pants and pulled his penis out. i was scared because it was so big. he told me that i was going to make his boo boo feel better. he made me kiss his penis with my tongue . he made me touch it with my whole hand and then my hand got sticky and gross. at the time, i thought he peed on me(but i know now it was semen). I tried to turn away, but he held my head close to his penis so i couldn't move. my face was sticky and gross. even now, at 22, I can't stand when i feel sticky. for example, I live in a state with very high humidity and whenever i'm outside my skin starts to feel sticky and gross. I barely ever go outside, when I do, i end up havng to change my clothes every 30 minutes. I'm in therapy but I still don't know how to live with my flashbacks. will someone please tell me how long it takes to get past trauma like this. i'm really scared.
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