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Child Abuse Story From
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 This child abuse story from Tania page was created August 9, 2006 and was originally posted to my child abuse stories page on July 22, 2006.
The following child abuse story from Tania depicts physical abuse and emotional abuse. The child abuse effects on Tania: feelings of being emotionally out of control, profound sadness, a deep sense of being different, and the belief that she is flawed. Tania continues to be haunted by her past.
I grew up second eldest in a family of 6 kids; one full sister, a step-sister, an adopted brother and two half-brothers. My two younger brothers were never hit by my father or step-mother and were treated as special (it was not until I was an adult that I realised what an impact the home environment had on them as well). My step-sister was hit by my father but protected by her mother (my step-mother). My adopted brother was hit by my step-mother but protected by my father. My full sister and I however were fair game for both of my parents. My father's anger was easier to deal with, as you knew he was going to hit you and you could prepare yourself for it. My mother's anger was very unpredictable, and if she lost control she would grab any instrument to hit you with (although the jug cord was her favourite weapon), and you were left unprepared and also unsure if she would stop. My life was filled with weekly beatings, being yelled and screamed at, frequent put-downs and I was told I didn't measure up. To see my parents able to show love and encouragement to some of the kids but not to me left me with a deep sense of being different and flawed. I could never do well enough to make my father proud, and in my step-mother's eyes, only "her" children were worthy of any success. Writing this is hard for two reasons as (1) it brings up a lot of feelings of sadness and (2) I have to ask myself how do I know this is true? You see, I don't remember a lot of my childhood, with most of my memories of home just brief flashes, and school also mostly a blank. I have many brief images of my mother grabbing my head and banging it against a wall. I can recall another time looking in the mirror and being amazed how one of the welts on my back showed the entire jug cord. I remember the one time I hit my mother back and thinking that "this was it". I remember parts of the morning when I finally left home; my mother held a knife to my throat, saying she was going to kill me. I have all these feelings inside me to remind me of what happened, but the pictures are not there. My sisters and two of my brothers are all fairly consistent with how life was for us (the other brother refuses to talk about the past). Sometimes I feel like I walk a line between staying sane and just losing it. I am still fearful of so many things and often feel like my body and emotions control me, and not the other way around. I went to counselling for a year and a half, which was helpful, but I could never bring myself to really trust her the counselor with all the inside feelings. Now I'm too afraid of going back, as she believed we had done enough. Sometimes life is good and I feel normal, but other times I feel haunted by a past that just won't be left behind. Thanks for reading my story. |
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