This child abuse story from M. was originally posted to my child abuse stories page on February 19, 2006.
M. is from Chingola, Copperbelt, Zambia
The following child abuse story from M depicts sexual assault and emotional abuse. M. has written to me on several occasions. Three instalments of her story are included on this page.
The effects of the abuse on M.: teen pregnancy, feelings of betrayal, self-blame, abuse of her own sisters, obsession with pornography
I am a 16 year old mother. I have memories of a family friend having sex with me not less than 11 years ago. He forced me to sleep with his younger brother then he slept with me. I also remember having sex with 8 other people. Out of these, only 2 aren't relatives of mine. One is my brother, 1 is an uncle, and the rest are older than me. I really don't call it abuse because I feel I had a part to play in everything and I just can't bring myself to believe what I already know; that I was a victim of abuse.
Growing up I learnt to 'pretend' nothing was wrong and I found it easier to cope with the guilt and hurt by telling myself it was okay as long as 'they' were happy. Now I suffer with the pain of knowing that people I love would do that to me and even force me to sleep with them even when I didn't want to, as well as make me kiss mops and do other degrading things.
I am a born again Christian and so is my brother. Knowing that he has changed and that I won't suffer forever makes it easier to cope on the days I feel low. My daughter is also a great source of joy for me.
Occasionally, a story raises red flags for me. The above story from "M" in Zambia is one such story. When I tried to send "M" an e-mail, it came back as a delivery failure.
I am posting my reply here in hopes that "M" will re-visit this child abuse stories page.
Darlene Barriere wrote the following reply on February 19, 2006:
M, it took a great deal of courage to share your story. You'll find it posted at http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/child-abuse-stories.htmlThank you for writing and submitting it. Your anguish will touch a cord with my webpage visitors. I suspect that many of them will be deeply disturbed by the fact that your were and still are so young and dealing with such betrayal, and the fact that you are already a mother at sixteen. Which brings me to my next point:
YOU HAD NO ROLE IN THE ABUSE THAT YOU SUFFERED! I cannot stress this enough. If you had been parading around in the nude, if you had been sexually provocative, if you had outright asked for someone to touch you, YOU WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN RESPONSIBLE! You were five years old. Your abusers were the adults, you were the child; it was up to them to control their sexual urges. In my country, you still ARE a child! If what happened to you were happening right now here in Canada at the hands of your uncle and brother, even at your age of sixteen, it would be child abuse. The offenders could and would be prosecuted for their crimes.
Onto my next point:
Other than your brother, you did not say if your abusers are still a part of your life. I bring this up because I am very concerned for the safety of your daughter. You've told me your brother is a born-again Christian and that he has changed . . . you cannot know this for absolute certainty. Would you risk your daughter's innocence, safety and happiness on this belief? Could you forgive yourself for exposing her to the horrors of what you had to endure? Probably not.
I urge you NOT TO PERMIT your brother or uncle, or any of your other abusers, to have unsupervised visits with her. Do not turn your back on these people if your daughter is anywhere near them. Do not allow them to have any physical contact with her. Offenders are masters at hiding what they do. Sexual assault can occur while an unsuspecting parent looks on. Your daughter could be molested while sitting on an abuser's lap--an inappropriate touch masked as a cuddle or a hug. Do not put her at risk. Protect her. As her mother you are her advocate and you MUST protect her. The unspeakable acts that you suffered through should never have happened; but they did happen. Use your experience and knowledge to guard your daughter from suffering the same fate.
I know very little about your country, and what programs are available to you. If counseling is available, I strongly recommend you seek it out, not only to benefit you, but also to benefit your daughter. The best thing you can do for her is to take care of her mother.
I wish you all the best, M.
Sincerely,
Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
UPDATE! I'm happy to announce that "M" has been in touch with me several times since I posted the above child abuse story from M and the reply I sent to her. While I cannot detail the specifics of our e-mail communications, what I can tell you is that she is working through her problems and doing her best to protect her daughter from sexual abuse.
Read on for another child abuse story from M.
The following child abuse story from M. was posted May 10, 2006. It is the second of 3 instalments.
Here in Zambia, most people put the blame on the abuse victim. When I fell pregnant, I lost so much because my dad's relatives hated me more than they had ever loved me. They hated my mum even more because the father was my dad's nephew. Most of them believed him when he said he had never touched me. I know a girl who was raped by a relative and she reported him to her mum: She did nothing and it was a closed chapter.
If only people in Zambia took things more seriously rather than telling the children it is a family secret and making them feel it was their fault, more children would be able to come out with it.
The following child abuse story from M. was posted March 26, 2007. It is the third of 3 instalments.
The past year, from the time I last visited this site, has been hell. I developed a hate for myself due to the fact that I abused my 2 younger sisters. I also turned back to watching sexually explicit material and masturbation (foolishly).
I couldn't understand why a loving God would create a person like me who could do that after it was done to her . . . a person who would be a waste of love, a person who nobody could love.
I had the worst urge to kill myself ever . . . I usually thought of it in the past, but not as much then. The only reason I didn't do it was because I knew that I had to protect my daughter and I knew I couldn't leave her without a father and a mother. It was so hard that I was even avoiding to talk to the man I trust most (probably the 1st) because I was scared he would see through the lies I kept telling. For the part of my life that should have been the best, I felt alone and unloved, and I still have to deal with not trusting people.
I decided to forgive all parties involved in my abuse, and boy is it hard. The feeling you get after is truly priceless. I can't always hate them, because then I behave like them and hurt myself.
I still have to deal with my trust issues and fear of being touched by guys, fear of making friends, and worst of all, trying to stop . . . the issue of porn.
I know God has great plans for me, and I'll be fine one day. I just wonder if I will ever forgive myself for hurting my sisters.
