child abuse story from M. was originally posted on February 19, 2006.
following child abuse story from M depicts sexual assault and emotional abuse.
M. has written to me on several occasions. Three installments of her story are
included on this page:
M. is from Chingola, Copperbelt, Zambia.
The effects of the abuse on M.: teen pregnancy, feelings of betrayal, self-blame, abuse of her own sisters, obsession with pornography
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am a 16 year old mother. I have memories of a family friend having sex with me
not less than 11 years ago. He forced me to sleep with his younger brother then
he slept with me. I also remember having sex with 8 other people. Out of these,
only 2 aren't relatives of mine. One is my brother, 1 is an uncle, and the rest
are older than me. I really don't call it abuse because I feel I had a part to
play in everything and I just can't bring myself to believe what I already
know; that I was a victim of abuse.
up I learnt to 'pretend' nothing was wrong and I found it easier to cope with
the guilt and hurt by telling myself it was okay as long as 'they' were happy.
Now I suffer with the pain of knowing that people I love would do that to me
and even force me to sleep with them even when I didn't want to, as well as
make me kiss mops and do other degrading things.
I am a born again Christian and so is my brother. Knowing that he has changed and that I won't suffer forever makes it easier to cope on the days I feel low. My daughter is also a great source of joy for me.
in Zambia, most people put the blame on the abuse victim. When I fell pregnant,
I lost so much because my dad's relatives hated me more than they had ever
loved me. They hated my mum even more because the father was my dad's nephew.
Most of them believed him when he said he had never touched me. I know a girl
who was raped by a relative and she reported him to her mum: She did nothing
and it was a closed chapter.
only people in Zambia took things more seriously rather than telling the
children it is a family secret and making them feel it was their fault, more children
would be able to come out with it.
The past year, from the time I last visited this site, has been hell. I developed a hate for myself due to the fact that I abused my 2 younger sisters. I also turned back to watching sexually explicit material and masturbation (foolishly).
I couldn't understand why a loving God would create a person like me who could do that after it was done to her . . . a person who would be a waste of love, a person who nobody could love.
I had the worst urge to kill myself ever . . . I usually thought of it in the past, but not as much then. The only reason I didn't do it was because I knew that I had to protect my daughter and I knew I couldn't leave her without a father and a mother. It was so hard that I was even avoiding to talk to the man I trust most (probably the 1st) because I was scared he would see through the lies I kept telling. For the part of my life that should have been the best, I felt alone and unloved, and I still have to deal with not trusting people.
I decided to forgive all parties involved in my abuse, and boy is it hard. The feeling you get after is truly priceless. I can't always hate them, because then I behave like them and hurt myself.
I still have to deal with my trust issues and fear of being touched by guys, fear of making friends, and worst of all, trying to stop . . . the issue of porn.
I know God has great plans for me, and I'll be fine one day. I just wonder if I will ever forgive myself for hurting my sisters.
NOTE: Information pages on this site were based on material from the
Canadian Red Cross RespectED Training Program. Written permission was obtained to use their copyrighted material on this site.
Child abuse story from M. was re-formatted June 4, 2015
From Victim to Victory
How I got over the devastating effects of child abuse and moved on with my life