Child Abuse Story From
Kerry

Kerry is from Essex, England, UK

The following child abuse story from Kerry depicts sexual abuse at the hands of her brother and emotional abuse at the hands of her mother.

The child abuse effects on Kerry: depression, suicidal thoughts and self-harm

I have 4 brothers, two older and two younger. My father was an alcoholic and would get drunk every night, usually getting violent with it. I would lay awake every night, listening to him beating my mum up till he fell asleep. I lost count of the amount of times she had to play dead just to stop him. Most days, my mum would walk around in a daze, ignoring us, and dad would be in a foul mood because of hangovers and would always shout at us.

Not sure when my abuse started. The first real memory I had was when I was 8 years old. I was playing cards with my older brother, Lee, who was 13 at the time. He was teaching me how to play poker. Lee then told me that we could play a game called strip poker. So we did and I lost every hand we played. Eventually, I ended up naked. He then told me to stand there while he masturbated in front of me. The only reason I think the abuse went on before this time was because I don't remember being shocked, almost like it had happened quite a few times and I knew the score. I didn't complain about this attention, as I figured any attention was better than none. This pattern went on for 3 years. Sometimes he got me to touch myself. One day it became more physical.

Then one day, he told me to give him a blowjob. I will never forget it till the day I die. He laughed at me because I took it too literally and blew on his privates (I was only 11). He then stopped laughing, grabbed my head and forced himself inside my mouth. To this day, I can still feel it pushing at the back of my throat, making me gag. I still can't eat anything that has to sit in my mouth for too long. When he finally came, I swallowed by instinct. As he disappeared into his bedroom, I was violently sick. This went on for another year or so, alternating between him masturbating in front of me and him forcing me to give him blowjobs. Eventually, I learned that if I just did it, he wouldn't use force and it wouldn't make me gag so much.

After about a year, he started to have penetrative sex with me. One day, Mum walked into my bedroom. He was on top of me. All she said was "get off of her, that is disgusting". She never mentioned it again. By this point I was so worn down by it all that he had managed to make me believe I was in love with him and this is what you do. I started to dream about moving away with him and living as man and wife, even though I knew it was wrong.

I became pregnant with his baby, and was convinced that I could keep it and that we would live happily ever after. I lost the baby at about 2 months, not telling anyone and not seeing anyone, so I am lucky that I have no lasting effects physically.

He moved away when I was 15, telling me that he loved me too much to carry on. I was devastated at the time, but now I know that all I loved was the attention, nothing else. Well, where else was I going to get it?

I now suffer from major depression, suicide thoughts and am self-harming on a regular basis. But on the plus side, I now have two beautiful children who I will protect to the ends of the earth. No child should have to go through what I did. EVER.