Child Abuse Stories by Rebecca

Child Abuse Story From Rebecca Part 1

by Rebecca
(Texas, USA)

Slooooowww:
On a stormy day when I have ran into one too many obstacles and feel worn out and feel I will never be good enough, smart enough, fast enough I think of prejudice for individuals with developmental delays (learning disabilities). I also think of the bad times in my life.
When I think of the “slow” population: they were brought into this world how they had no choice in how they process information. The cause of the disability could have been intentional or a freak accident but it is there and the first thought from a human is pain, a label for a future not so bright, and disappointment. They may be babies but they sense the disappointment they feel the rejection. You called me slow, said I would not make it very far in life, and would need assistance. My parents tried not to show their disappointment for what they wanted and what they were delivered. You may not have said it but I felt it from the first time a human set eyes on me how I became a burden for you in life. You felt you had no one to brag about. You felt you were given damaged goods. I was always disappointment in your eyes really not amounting to your expectations. I may not verbalize what I think or feel. I may try to wear a smile but deep down inside I feel I am fighting a battle I was set up to fail. I have felt hatred from the day I was born. I felt awkwardness around peers. I developed paranoia due to this social awkwardness and failed so many times I knew everything I started would be hard and I would be called names, difficult, slow, and lazy. And if I ask for help I would have no future people may find out my secret they may actually find out I am damaged. I will constantly feel something is wrong my body is dysfunctional. I want answers from my parents I can’t for the life of me figure out myself how it came about.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach

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Child Abuse Story From Rebecca Part 2

by Rebecca
(Texas, USA)

Slooooowww - Continued:
Mom did you do drugs when you were pregnant with me? Mom, please tell me what is wrong. “Baby I don’t know.” “Baby, I went to Kiddie College today and they asked about you because they were worried about you when you were a child. They thought something was wrong with you." Why mother? "You would not talk to anyone and were like this up even until kindergarten." Mother do you think maybe the cigarettes hindered my brain development. No sweetie you were just fine at home. But mother you were depressed you did not want me remember. You went to have an abortion and declined the day of. Mom what was it that you felt I was damaged? Did you take a drug? Were you taking prescriptions at this time? Mother you let me wander over to the next door neighbors to play with a boy four years older unsupervised. Mother he locked me in his room and told me I could not leave unless I touched his penis. He put a heat lamp on his penis and had us do summersaults on the bed over the rails and had us touch his penis. I remember this incident and this is the only one I can remember. I can remember his mother calling because it was time to go. I couldn’t leave because he locked us in his room and I didn’t want to get in trouble because I knew you would be mad if I did not come when you called. Mother do you think this may have had something to do with me not talking. Mother do you think maybe more happened I cannot remember? Mom why does my sister remember having me wiping sand off my dad’s penis? Mom why was I put in this position? Mother why do I remember you having sex with me in the same room several times? Mom why do I remember you masturbating with us in the house at a small age? You did not show us but we knew what you were doing. Mother why do I remember trying to dry hump my father and why would I think this appropriate? Mom we had secret names for our private parts a pencil and envelope. My sister told me to go ask my dad if we could borrow his pencil. Mom you were mad we made up names for these why? Mom did you let us get sexually molested and felt you could not leave because you were so mentally ill you knew you would never see us again. Your dirty secret may have had to come out your perfect self-image for the public would be ruined. Mom I was a burden for you and you decided to keep me out of religious beliefs. Mother was it too much for you to process a religious belief also would look down on neglectful mothers? Mother what happened? Mother what is wrong with me? Mother something had to happen as no child regresses to not talking. On my dark days I think of these things. I wonder how I will be able to keep up because the whole world wants to change me and operates on a different level. I need medication to be like them. I was an outcast from the day I was born and shunned and this continues. People wonder why the anxiety is high but if you had experienced the things I have you would carry these after all the world is really not a safe place. After all you will be slower meaning you will not be able to support yourself, stuck in abusive relationships, and could you please not bother anyone about it, the world cannot stand people like you and they believe you should not reproduce as you are worthless what would they do with you. If you receive assistance you are trying not to work. I never know if I will be able to make it. I have to put trust in others who may abuse it because they feel put out having to listen to me. I can’t stand this every place I go I am awkward maybe if I just remain quiet they may not notice how f***ed up I am. I may be slow, stupid, or difficult but this does not take away my ability to feel and every day I step out that door I am reminded of how different I am and how I am slow. How is it pain in the butt for someone to take the time out to explain things to me? How you may take advantage of me in social situations abusing your power at my expense to get a laugh. I am at your mercy because by the time I process the situation you have left and moved on to the next however, I am stuck humiliated and miserable. Mother why did you let my older sister play the fainting game with me? It was videotaped however, this is gone did you know this was inappropriate. Mother could your neglectful supervision put me in very devastating places and possibly caused emotional and physical disabilities or I am I trying to get attention. Who wants this kind of attention? Mother why did you let me date an abusive boyfriend in high school? One who was verbally and sexually abusive, and was escalating to physical, hitting me on the back of my head. Driving fast and not parking when arguing and I was asking to get out of the car and him not respecting my wishes and continuing to speed around the parking lot. I remember one night coming home from a party and opening up my car door hauling a** down my parent’s street my boyfriend tackled me. I am not sure what happened. When my father woke up the next morning the car door was still open. Mother I believed you loved him more than you loved me. Mom what was it? Why did you not teach me how to protect my body what rape was and wasn’t? Is it because you were unaware of this yourself? Did you not know the boundaries and were unable to teach this to me. Or you knew them but this would mean you would have to face the fact that you had been having this done to you. You were so out of touch with me you tried to have the sex talk with me out of high school. Mom you would let my boyfriend spend the night. What did you think we were going to do?
College: Mom I don’t want to go back to work they tell me I am slow and I ride the slow bus, labeled with a learning disability and ask if I had smoked drugs or if I smoke pot. Relatives would come into the place of my work and ask if I was weird to my coworkers. This hurt and they wonder why I do not want to visit. Could it possibly be I felt neglect from the time I was born and never felt comfortable showing my slowness in public or not knowing when I was going to have an attack with my stomach turning, hands shaking, and the feeling of doom or freaked out I am having a flashback in front of everyone? I can trust no one because they abuse their power with me. After all I am slow and once I figure this out they will be two steps ahead of me covering up the abuse of power.
I was born different or I became different but from the time I started kiddie college I was not in the norm. When I was little you said I was difficult and was sick all the time. I was embarrassed when I was little to go to speech class. Mom they all stared at me when they come into the class to pull us out. Mom they know where I am going there is no discreetness. Mom I am not asking to be great rather normal mediocre. Mom I cannot choose a career who would want me, who could work with me, I would be reminded every day how stupid I was and how I am f***ed up. Mom, please help. Mom I hated high school but I love college because I know they are more considerate of my awkwardness and slowness and know the real world is not and I will not be able to make a living I was set up for failure and I need to be more like the world to survive and I wasn’t given a fair chance. Mom but I am told to be positive and to keep going I can’t mother it hurts too bad I am tired of trying and fighting.
I need answers. Mom my relationships will suffer due to my incapabilities, I will always carry a chip on my shoulder, and my guard will be up because I am easily taken advantage of. Mom I believed no one would truly love me and being me they didn’t. I need medication to be like everyone else. These are a few of my thoughts on my bad days. Just a few.

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