Child Abuse Story From MC Part 2
by M.C
(USA)
Soundless:
Here I am again. Just wanted to share one of my Christian rap songs...a letter to my youth minister, Kevin, called "Heart Shapes" by Soundless:
Dear You,
Ur cool--hope u know that
Or rather just put on ur hat
& left
I have blue eyes & blue hair
But nobody would care
I'm just muscle
No bones 4 brains
No blood 4 me--it's insane
I wanna talk but no luck
All I can say is...nothin'--I'm stuck
I wanna have success
But no such thing, I confess
Or sometimes I think
Chorus
& Mom says, 'oh let's escape away'
Let's just escape away
Everything will B OK'
These heart shapes on the walls, beautiful heart shapes
We can't bawl no more
'Cuz of these heart shapes on the door
My bro sits down & cries
I don't know what 2 do
So I get on the bed
& I cry 2
It's OK, Collin
Funny how we've been awake all night
Thought we're asleep from the fight of our life
Scary how it's blinded our sight
& we just need that Perfect Light
I realize
I wanna B ur bodyguard
If u want--it's not hard
I wanna tell u
But it's nothin' new
I wanna tell u what I wanna tell u
But there's nothin' I can do
I hate bein' alone
'Cuz I'm not prone
This is so pathetic
I wish I wasn't definite
I wear useless
That's 2 ruthless
While u wear the greatest
U want u 2 think
But I hold my breath when u blink
I sink
I don't know how 2 act
'Cuz I don't know how u'll react
So leave me 2 B
'Cuz it only tortures me 2 think, u C
OK
When u don't speak
I'll just lock myself up & cry 'cuz I'm weak
When u smile
The pain will always go away 4 a while
I believe there's a spark in ur eye
I C it everytime u pass by
Chorus
These tears r like diamonds when they hit the floor
'Cuz I have 2 give up--I can't take no more
I'll just take 4
Sodas & push-ups...OK, mayB 5 but I'll pour
& make myself sore
Just from exercisin'
All this pain off I've worn
There's nothin' u can say
'Cuz like the other Pastor may have said
I've been livin' a lie that's fake
So I just lay down & cry
While these tears make me blind
& I think about all the people that had said, 'hi'
I just feel like I might die
& sigh
'Cuz then all those people suddenly said, 'bye'
So just let me please
'Cuz I can't go 2 sleep so I curl my knees
But still think about He
Who sometimes feel like leaves
But soon realize He has never left me
OK
Don't say nothin' about this note
'Cuz 1) I didn't know who'd I give this 2 as I wrote
So I had 2 vote
But mayB--should I dare
Give this 2 u? U might B sittin' in a chair
& scratch ur hair
With not a care
But the BRIGHT side says mayB u do care
'Cuz mayB that smile will appear that's so rare
& with those pair
Of sparklin' eyes that stare
Chorus
Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time.
Nothing, and I do mean
nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.
Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.
Child Abuse Story From MC
by M.C
(USA)
Soundless:
It's a long story. Been thru many recoveries 'cuz of this but now I'm goin' into REAL recovery.
I'll just start with when I was 6. Mom married this awesome guy...OK, so SHE thought he was awesome, but I thought he was pretty nice. Soon enough he married her, when I WASN'T there. But as a tough l'il girl, I stood respectful to my new stepfather. He was nice at the start, but then he got really angry sometimes. He blew up from his ill-tempers and yelled; I never liked to see him angry 'cuz I was afraid he'd hit me or somethin'.
This story has been posted on this website almost 1,000 times, but this is different. My stepfather threatened me plus my mom a lot. Then I got a sibling--my bro. I loved him so much and as he grew, he cried a lot and wanted to be like Mom. This is the part where my stepfather gets really angry 'cuz he wants his son to be a TOUGH and GRUFF MAN!!!
Anyways, after a lot of fights and disagreements, Mom divorced my stepfather and we moved on, while my bro went back-and-forth from Mom to his dad. Meanwhile, my dad was in Austin, Texas and tryin' to recover from drug addiction. Sometimes I felt like it was my fault that he was addicted, but then I soon learned he had been that way even before I was born and my parents were married.
After 2 terrible years of tryin' to put up with my stepfather and a terrible school, we moved into an apartment with my mom's dad while my mom's mom was in Athens, Texas.
Foruth grade was my best year 'cuz 1) my stepfather was gone, 2) I had the best school and best friends, 3) I helped raise my bro like his own guardian. But then Dad moved to Dallas, even farther away from us. I hated it.
Mom even TRIED to fall in love with Dad again 'cuz she felt alone and she wanted us to have a man in the family. I watched my mom kiss my dad and sleep next to him in another bed, but then we left 'cuz it would never work out. Which hurt me even worse.
After 4th grade, Mom and I moved to another house with my grandmother and grandfather with my bro taggin' along. I started to go to a Baptist school which was really new since I was used to public and actually got saved in 5th grade. I became a strong Christian with a Christian singer/friend and lived a godly year but still felt alone inside. Just empty. Plain empty, like I needed someone by me. Not my friend/singer. God, but not JUST Him.
I stayed at home every day, doin' homework and watchin' TV all alone, still with that empty hole inside me. That summer, my dog Carlie got run over with me in the car so it only made me emptier. At least she's in a better place. But I soon realized my stepfather had made that hole inside me from everything he did. I was still scared.
After 5th grade, I decided to turn down another opportunity for Christian school and moved to the other side of the city and at a public school. I changed then. Transformed into someone different--I listened to secular music 24/7, got angrier, started readin' mature things, wrote mature things, fantasized 24/7, and became the dark outcast of the school. Mom started gettin' really angry at me and my bro, and even got really violent sometimes. She had kicked me in the rib, punched me in the shoulder, and cussed so much in front of me. Which made me even angrier. Now I cussed 24/7.
I felt alone. Dark. I loved the dark. I wrote the dark. I became the dark. No friends, just myself. Not even God. If I couldn't trust myself, I couldn't trust anyone else. Every day, I looked forward to my writings--poetry and short stories. But since I didn't have a solution to my own problem, I couldn't finish my short stories and novels. Mom got angrier each day. She screamed, she hit, she dragged, she ignored. I protected my bro every other day since my stepfather had him a lot, but since I was angry at everyone else, includin' myself, I was angry towards him. I had to stay away from him or else I would get violent. I looked forward to talkin' with my teacher, but then he started ignorin' me a lot. I felt isolated.
To sum it all up, I started buildin' muscle to prove myself that I could change. I worked out every day--ran, did push-ups, pull-ups, sit-ups until my body was breathin' hard muscle. My bro started to notice this and even liked to test it out by punchin' me hard in the ab. It always hurt him. But I still felt terrible. God started to lead us to Cornerstone Church, but when I got there I felt helpless.
Until I met Kevin. He was my tall youth minister that I looked up to. Every Sunday, I looked forward to goin' to his night service. It was always fun, and he even grew curious about me. I always thought he could take me away, but I never told him...until one night. I ran away from my apartment, and...I don't wanna discuss it but he prayed for me, CPS didn't really agree, and Mom took me away from the church. It grew worse. I hated it. I hated her. I was so welled up with hate that I breathed it every day. I became Soundless, literally. I hated everyone, except Kevin. I even hated God 'cuz I was blamin' this on Him. I would pray to Him, Why did You put me here? I started to listen to Eminem and all the cussin'. I loved it. It made me release all the hatred.
I started to go to counsellin' at the church and I had fun talkin' all of it. I switched from Godly off and on 'cuz I would pray and go to church and praise, but then I would go back home and listen to Eminem. Mom acted like she hated me. EVERY DAY. I cussed, I thought bad thoughts, and I wrote terrible poetry. Mom cussed to. I always thought I wasn't good enough for her. Still do.
After a couple of months, I decided to write rap songs like Eminem since I couldn't write regular songs like a 'normal' person would do. I wrote 4 rap songs, and became a l'il famous over 'em. I even got Kevin impressed. I started to write cussin' rap songs about my life but then stopped with it (OK, SOMETIMES I write cussin') and wrote CHRISTIAN rap songs. Pretty cool.
So...this summer, I'm goin' to Church Camp with Kevin, and Mom and I developed a better relationship after she broke up with her ex-husband (my bro's dad) and came to me, thinkin' that her cussin', angry daughter could help her out. Well, I did. Now it's goin' to be happy. Not really. I gotta deal not just with my angry ex-stepfather, my drinkin'-and-drivin' dad and his crazy ex-girlfriend, and all the mean kids at school, but I gotta deal with MYSELF. And God. My Father is guidin' me, and I'm lookin' forward to it. My bro has looked up to me like a soldier and I've been a bad influence most of the time, but now I gotta set it straight. And I know I will.
"I'm supposed to be the soldier, who never blows his composure even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders/ I ain't ever supposed to show it/ my crew ain't supposed to know it..." --Eminem's "Like Toy Soldiers"
Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.
Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.
