Child Abuse Story From Lonely at Heart

by Sandra
(Tampa, Florida, USA)

Stupid, dramatic, idiot, cry baby, loser, pathetic, wanna-be, insignificant, trouble maker...these are all the ways that I felt as I was growing up! Never the smart one or clever one or funny one! I always felt like I didn't fit, like I belonged somewhere else other than here! I was always getting into trouble...always! It didn't matter whether it was my fault or not...it was my fault...a HUGE reason of why I kept silent for so many years!

I came to the USA when I was 7 years old. I was sent to live with my aunt, uncle and grandmother in Queens, New York. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish that I had never come to the USA, other times I am glad that I did, and other times I simply just wish that I wasn't alive!

Late 1983, after Halloween, I remember because my tummy ached so bad for days...but I didn't care or say anything because it was the best time I had had since I got to New York City. I was out all night with my neighbors collecting candy. I would come back to the house and my aunt was sitting at the steps waiting for me. She would change my outfit quick or add make-up or put my hair up and spray glitter, all so that I could look different, go back to the same houses and collect more candy..."As long as you do not leave this block." So, I didn't! It was a great night as far as I can remember...and I recall that night vividly, so vividly in my mind that it is scary, a good scary!!

I don't remember when exactly or how long after that night it started but I know it was after that night and before Thanksgiving when I was awakened by a tingling, tickling feeling between my legs. I remember opening my eyes, realizing what was going on and gasping for air (as I still do when I awaken from a nightmare). My grandmother (RIP) slept in the room with me and she woke up when she heard me. She asked him (my uncle) "Que haces aqui?"..."What are you doing here?"...He replied, "She is complaining of her stomach...didn't you hear her?" And in my nervousness...I WET THE BED! And soaked my grandma who slept on the first level of our bunk bed. Needless to say that I got a hair-pulling and beating in the middle of the night for that. That is when my life completely changed...my parents wanted a better life for me so they sent me to live with my mother's sister, who is married to my father's brother and my maternal grandmother, who lived with them as well in Corona, New York. This is when my life, instead of getting better, got worse!

You see, from when I can remember my father has had a drinking problem...but that in itself is a WHOLE other story! Which I will get into later on when I can get into the flow of writing my feelings out! Right now, I feel completely overwhelmed, so many memories rushing into my head and I can't seem to get events and dates right.

What I am looking for in writing these episodes in my life is some sort of closure, understanding, escape route, just to be able to talk about it, remember what happened without having my nervous system go into convulsions and to hopefully let other girls out there know that it is never too late to speak up and know...THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

I knew that there were other girls like me and that I wasn't alone...but I felt alone because I did not have the support that I longed for!!

Now, for the first time, even though I have two beautiful children and have been in relationships before, for the first time I can say that I have a wonderful man in my life that loves me for me and does not see sex as the number one priority in our lives. My sister, who for a long time the only way I felt close to her was when we were partying, has been brought to me to understand and hold my hand...it took a lot of prayers but I am building what I hope to be only the beginning of my support system. I will continue to pray...for God knows what I hold in my heart is pure!

And I may be what many have said that I am...."Dramatic, Problematic, Conceited, Blacksheep, Nasty, Mean, Cold-hearted (I laugh at this one), Non-trustworthy, Cry baby and all"... but honestly, it doesn't faze me.

Sometimes!

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From Lonely at Heart Part 2

by Sandra
(Tampa, Florida, USA)

I remember waiting impatiently at the staircase for Mom to arrive. She flew in from Venezuela with my little sister & brother. Wow...how I could jump out of my skin at the sight of my mother walking up the stairs...all punishments, all ill moments had vanished from my mind for that moment...I hugged her so tight and I didn't want to let go! I started to cry and all those feelings were overtaken by anger when my aunt called me dramatic and a cry baby...couldn't anyone see what I was going through and how at seven I missed my mother terribly!! Why would you ruin that moment for me by opening your mouth...can't you ever just keep quiet. Lord!! My grandma and mother have always said, "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all." All my life I have heard that and have tried to live by it! Guess my aunt missed those lectures.

It appears in my mind as if my mother came and left in a snap of a finger...the house we lived in burned down while I was at school, and when I got to my godmother's house and saw my siblings and my mother I was so happy. Happy that nothing happened to any of them. To include my grandma, my aunt, my baby cousin and him! You see, I think that one of my biggest flaws is that I looooooove my family too much...no matter what anyone has ever done to me...when I see them hurt or in need...I feel like I have to do something...and at times I hate it!! I wish that I wasn't like that because people don't know how to value such a...for a lack of a better word..."gift".

I have seen others that can just turn their face to someone in any sort of need....but not me....

We moved into my godmother's house for a while, and that's when all the touching started again...there were so many people in the house that I don't know if that is why no one ever noticed...I can't remember much or put dates on specific events because all I can remember is attaching myself to my mother at the hip as soon as she would walk through the door...at times though, I could feel anger because she would take care of my younger sister and brother before she would take care of me...and back then I couldn't understand...I remember when I was told that they would be going back home, and for a brief moment I was happy that I was going home...but that ended when I found out that I would be staying in New York city...and then that feeling just turned to anger and misbehavior...I wasn't wanted...I wasn't wanted by my mother...can't she see me cry...why can't I go home with you?? I don't want to be here anymore...but the reason for me staying was to get a better education! I hated everyone in my life at that moment...everyone!! When my mother left I cried for days uncontrollably. I remember getting in trouble for doing so...which would make me miss her even more and that would make me cry even more...I remember a phone call conversation my aunt had with my mother...she told my mother that I was fine, that I cried a little bit at the airport but was back to normal playing in the backyard with my cousins once I got home...and that was so not true...I remember her telling my mother that I was outside playing with some of the neighbors I had met (we had moved already) and in reality I was in the room on my bed, punished by my grandma because I didn't feel like eating my food.

I hated that apartment...I hate it to this day (they still live there)...so many horrible memories...and I had to suck them up for years because of the love I had for others and not myself...

Every weekend my grandma would take me and my baby cousin to my godmother's house to visit them and my grandfather...well, this particular weekend my aunt was working and my grandma got us ready and we were ready to go when he (my uncle) said that I needed to go with him to a job he had to do and translate for him (I always had to "translate" for him). Well, we never left the apartment or his room for that matter, until he had to go pick up my aunt at work and then I got a lecture as to how to answer any questions that would come my way...this happened for so many years, until I was 16...I was 7 when it started!

I can't get into details because I don't feel that I am ready for that yet...but I can say this...at times it happened so often...sometimes on an every day basis that I remember just laying there and feeling numb...I would take myself to another place....I didn't like what was happening...I wanted it to stop...as I got older and understood more and I hated being alone with him and when it would start I would cry and ask him to stop please just stop...but he would tell me that I liked it, to just relax, that it was a beautiful thing, that I was his woman (woman?? I want to kill him every time I recall that phrase!!)...I was offered everything by him: money, cigarettes, liquor, time with my friends, anything!! I laugh because I remember him telling me that he couldn't defend me all the time against my aunt or grandma when it came to punishments because then they might find out about "us" and I would get into even more trouble and he didn't like it when they hit me...

I will continue another day...I have had enough mixed emotions for one morning!

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From Lonely at Heart Part 11

by Sandra
(Tampa, Florida, USA)

My heart feels like it is going to burst out of my chest!! I have about 3 weeks, if not more of consecutive nightmares. I know that I have to go for counseling (I sound like a broken record) but I am afraid...I know people do it every day! BUT I AM AFRAID! Afraid that I will end up crazy, that the nightmares and lack of self worth will get the best of me...I crashed again not too long ago (I won't get into any specifics) but I crashed and in the middle of my whole emotional despair, (I was told later on by a witness) that I curled up into a ball and started to cry, that as I was being comforted I fought like a savage and wouldn't stop yelling 'HIS' name...JUANCHO, JUANCHO, JUANCHO, JUANCHOOOOO! I hate what he has done to me and the worst part is that I know he doesn't care...I look at my nieces and nephew and I cannot fathom the thought of EVER hurting them.

Why do I care so much about what they think (him, my aunt, my cousins) WHY?? I wish I didn't! God, please take this away from me...take this hurting away and place blindfolds on my eyes so that I don't see or care to see what they are going through because I am just hurting myself more...

I woke up in sweats the other night from kicking in my dream...my BF tried to relax me but the only thing that calmed me down was prayer...nobody knows what I go through day in and day out...my BF has been living with it for the past 2 years and he is as supportive as a person that has NOT gone through this and has NO training to deal with such issues, can be!! I have hurt him because of my way of thinking when it comes to men and I am truly sorry for that.

For as long as I can remember I have held myself together when it comes to this matter and have lost my head when it comes to simpler trials of life. My fear is that if I really start to DEAL with this issue to salvage what I have left of my life and live in peace within myself...I fear that I will lose the control I have accustomed myself to having in this matter and completely fall apart!! I wish I could do as others have told me....I wish it was so easy, to simply let it go...but I can't!

I have been asked over and over, 'why do you read so many of these stories? why do you go to this site so often?' Well, my reason is so that I don't forget that I am not alone, that there are others out there suffering just like me on a daily basis!! I know that I have my family and my BF supporting me but it is a different type of company and support that I feel when I come here...I have stayed away at times because it just hurts me so much...to stare at my page and read what I wrote and recall those incidents...and so many times I have started to write another story, simply to delete it because how many sexual encounters can anyone read about??...

Note from Darlene: I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of commenting on visitor submissions to the degree I have in the past, as I am currently writing a book on healing from child abuse. I ask that you please read my post of June 24, 2009 titled Announcement Regarding my Comments for a complete explanation. I welcome you to follow my progress on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I do hope to hear from you there.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From Lonely at Heart Part 12

by Sandra
(Tampa, Florida, USA)

How?? How does one begin to tell a story about their life? A story that is so painful, a story filled with unwanted memories, a story that you wish was fiction but unfortunately it is A mere reality! How do you summarize 9 yrs of your life into just a few pages, without further hurting yourself or anyone else?? To tell your story, COMPLETELY without leaving anything out, anything that can continue hunting you. How do you tell your story, KNOWING that there will NEVER be justice for what was done to you. That the person that hurt you so deep, the person that took away your childhood, adolescence & even controlled your adulthood is free of worries & convictions, when you have lived your ENTIRE life in a prison!! HOW??? How do you tell your story??

I have tried and tried, starred at this site for days on end & cannot find the will in me to summarize my story. I start to build it in my head and when it comes to writing it down or typing it out I freeze, why?? I have already written so many, why now, that I have decided to tell my story to the public, why am I getting cold feet??

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Note from Darlene: I welcome you to follow me on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I hope to hear from you there!

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.

Child Abuse Story From Lonely at Heart Part 3

by Sandra
(Tampa, Florida, USA)

The sexual acts continued for many years. My aunt and grandma would walk out the door and I would walk into his bedroom. It didn't matter how long, for it just had to happen. I hated being left alone with him or babysitting my cousin because that meant then that I had to be alone (with him).

The first time I ever saw a porno movie was with him. I was told to act out what was happening on TV: "You are a good actress", "You do it just like she does, look"...I remember gagging, and he told me to relax, to take a breath and lay back, then he took my finger and showed me how it is done. I remember thinking that I was good at nothing. Nothing I did ever turned out right, and I felt like such an imbecile..."God, you are watching it and you still can't get it right!!" I tormented myself because I wanted to please...because I had messed up before and it just lasted longer...and I had begun to realize that as soon as he climaxed...I...was free!! I didn't get it right...I couldn't...I felt sick...so I had to "hand" him off, which was oh so tiring. I was 9.

I remember one day making the batter for a cake with my grandma; we always baked. Well, she used to use her hands to make the batter, but I liked the batter machine. Well, "HE" came out the room one day and told me, "Do it like your grandmother and you will grow up to be strong like her"...I put the machine down and did as I was told. LMAO...later on I realized why...I was no longer tired!

He had a van (1 of many cars). If I remember correctly, it was orange-red in color. This van had a bed inside and carpet and curtains...well, that was "OUR" secret place...MY bed!! (It hurts so bad to think about all these moments and to just have to deal with it...I feel like I am about to lose my mind!! But I have to get it out!!)
My bed...my van...my man...everything he had was mine!
ILL!! Of course, the jobs started to pour in and I had to "translate" more and more often...how I prayed that he would learn English. For some reason, I don't understand it to this day...no one ever saw anything wrong...or sensed anything wrong...HOW?? Lord, I have always been able to tell when something is wrong with one of my kids...even if it ends up being something small, I am still able to tell. 9 years!! 9 years of this happening to me and NOT ONE PERSON CLOSE TO ME NOTICED!! It's true what they say that no one knows what happens behind closed doors...well...no one knows what HAPPENED behind mine...

He is still out there living his life as if nothing, and it kills me...because I GAVE HIM THAT LIBERTY! And he took mine away....

See Part 1 and Part 2 of Lonely at Heart's story.

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From Lonely at Heart Part 4

by Sandra
(Tampa, Florida, USA)

I want to know what gives ANYONE the right to judge, place blame, ridicule and try and control someone else's choices in life when they cannot control what is happening in their own home?!?

If you have read my previous stories (links immediately follow this post) then you know what I have been through. If not, here is a quick recap:

I was sent to live with my aunt who is my mother's sister and my uncle who is my father's brother. These two individuals are married to each other. My ABUSE started at the age of 7 and went on until I was 16 (I capitalized the word because to ME it wasn't only sexual abuse, it was a bit of ALL the abuse known to mankind).

At the age of 16 I ran away from home. I had had 2 to 3 weeks or so of not being touched, kissed (unless I wanted to be kissed) or sexually active. Walking out of school and not finding a "ride" home was thee best feeling, nothing is going to happen today (woo hoo). Going home and having my parents leave the house or send me to the store or me go to the basement of the house and not have to worry about bumping into him "by chance" was thee best feeling, weeks of being FREE!!

Until I accompanied my father to do a job and the owner of the job asked when my "uncle" was coming home (he was on vacation) my father responded: "Friday". All I can remember is freaking out, no more "FREEDOM", all that kept going on in my mind was everything was going to start all over again. I tormented myself and drove myself craaaazy! I started acting out at the house more and more (by this time I lived with my parents in NYC) and nobody knew why...Sandra was just being the rotten misbehaved attention-seeking teenager. Don't think that I excuse MY actions towards my family or towards my life by hiding behind the fact that I was abused. I actually NEVER got the chance to do that. I have always been an emotional person, and although I have been compared and called every name in the book, I simply believe that I have just been misunderstood!

When the day was getting closer for him to come back from his trip, I ran away from home...I left my younger sister seated at the bench of her school waiting for me because I didn't pick her up (it's been 17 years since that day and I still remember worrying about her and feeling bad, but I couldn't go back and I am so sorry for that...I don't think I ever apologized to her...but...Anni, I am so sorry...I was just thinking about myself).

I didn't want to go back home. I couldn't deal with it anymore...I had begged "him" to stop every time that it would happen, I begged him to stop, that I didn't want this to happen anymore. At one time I remember telling him that I would tell my aunt if he kept on, and he told me that I would be the one to get in trouble. He would remind me about the other women in his life and how my aunt went after those women, how it was their fault that they all wanted him, and how he was still the man of the house. He told me that I would get the spanking of my life by my aunt and my grandmother if I said anything. Another day I told him that I would tell my mother if he didn't leave me alone. He told me that he would call immigration not only on my mother but on my entire family and they would all get sent back to Colombia. We would fight and yell and then he would get his way and laugh and tell me that it was all going to be alright. That I had been a good girl for doing what I HAD to do. I hated being on my knees. I hated being bent over. I hated being on the position that everyone in the world seems to love (it has 2 numbers). I hated having my hair pulled while I was on my knees or having my head pushed further in...those were his ways of PUNISHING me for becoming rebellious, like what he was doing to me wasn't punishment enough. He would tell me that he knew what I wanted was for us to be able to be together always and that one day we would be. He would hold me tight and tell me how much he loved me and how nothing would get in our way and that if my aunt ever hurt me again or my grandmother ever hurt me again that he would get involved, but all he would do was instigate the situation more.

For so many years, I have been confused...not knowing what to believe, from anyone and at times believing it all. Many times I have asked myself: Could what he used to tell me be true? Is that what I wanted for us to be? Together or was it all in my head? I HATE HIM...I DO!! But for years it is all I knew and he took from me my childhood, my innocence, my happiness, my virginity!!

For years I have thought that LOVE was shown by sleeping with your man, that the way to resolve any issues/problems in your relationship or to obtain "anything" that you may want from your man (lover, boyfriend, husband, etc.) you had to get naked and f*** your man. I have had many unstable relationships and THAT, I DO BLAME on my abuse.

Okay, back to that night...after the cops brought me back home, I wanted to talk to one of my cousins that I trusted and still trust unconditionally til this day, but he was not there. I was ready to be taken to a group home by the cops. When I saw my mother and saw that she was crying...I couldn't leave. So I made up a story that involved drugs and how I was caught in the middle. Well, my father didn't buy that, so he told me to go to the room and talk to my mother and tell her the truth about what was going on. I remember balling up in the corner behind the door to the room, my mother sitting on my cousin's bed and the first words out of my mouth were..."Please do not be mad at me, please do not punish me. I didn't want this. I haven't wanted this. Please believe me. Please do not hit me...BUT...Juancho raped me."

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I have been staring at my screen for the past hour or so feeling...NOTHING...(is this a normal feeling...I wonder...because I feel like this more often than not)

I will continue this story another day. I have to close my laptop because writing these stories is causing me to feel like I am back in my teenage years...reliving everything that I have wanted for so many years to forget but have not been able to...I hope you understand and I pray that I am doing the right thing and that this will help me deal with my situation...because Lord knows I am crumbling inside.

See Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 of Lonely at Heart's story.

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From Lonely at Heart Part 5

by Sandra
(Tampa, Florida, USA)

I wonder if am going to live in fear for the rest of my life? I hope that I don't but right now I am afraid of everything that has happened and once again I can't help but feel as if I am that scared little girl (teenager) that had NO CLUE what to do...but I am searching for that light at the end of the tunnel and when I find it...I WILL BE COMPLETELY FREE!!!

I know that I have to go to counseling and I know that I have to do it for me and no one else. But, if it's hard for me with just a few written words how is it going to be when I am in front of someone actually talking about it. I did the other day with my sister for the first time sit face to face and I think I did good when it came to holding it together. But then again, I try and hold myself together all the time in front of family. So I don't know if it was just that...habit...or if she could see through me straight to my pain.

Pain...there are others in pain today and although they may never say it, I KNOW they are in pain. And although my heart tells me to ask for forgiveness...I WILL NOT!! I have NOTHING to regret...you cannot hide the sun with your hands and enough is enough. Myself and my family have been dragged through the mud for years by Juancho (see below for links to Part 1, 2 and 3 of Lonely at Heart's story) and my aunt and I am sick of it!! I know one day I will forget OR simply LEARN to live with how everything has happened but I can't right now. The wound has been opened again and a bottle of lemon juice has been poured on it, as I was made to feel once again like I AM THE RESPONSIBLE one for what happened to me!!

Through email words and disrespect between two adults who were raised as sisters (myself and their eldest daughter), I made it a point to end the BS with a punch to the gut...and responded to sarcasm, attitude and fake wishes, with: "I HOPE & PRAY THAT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY NEVER HAVE TO ENDURE WHAT MYSELF AND MY FAMILY WENT THROUGH FOR THE PAST 17 YEARS DUE TO YOUR FATHER RAPING ME FOR 9 YEARS!"

And Oh Lord, all hell broke loose...please know that the person that received that response KNEW about THEE incident and remembered everything that happened with her father when she was a child. So, why continue pretending and talking in code....NO!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! I know in my heart that the responsible one of this whole ordeal is HIM for taking advantage of me, and my AUNT for covering it up and NEVER EVER thinking that or saying to herself...."My kids are older, they understand more, I need to talk to them, so that my 'OLDEST DAUGHTER' (as she always called me) can get the help that she needs...I know this must be hard for her..." But NOPE, she couldn't do that....she had to cover EVERYTHING for him as she always does!! I ask myself, how can you look in the mirror, knowing that your ENTIRE life is a LIE and be happy with what you see?? What gives you the right to talk, make fun of, pick on, ridicule, call names, and laugh at someone else's expense when YOU are the joke!?!

I was called MISERABLE yesterday and it hurt a bit but not as bad as being told that I am a LIAR!! Yes, there is a saying: MISERY loves company...not me...MY AUNT...oh yes...she wants everyone to be just as miserable as she has lived, and to tell you the truth...it's SAD. But it's life, she chose to stay with a rapist and she chose to sleep with him AGAIN AFTER SHE KNEW WHAT HE HAD DONE TO ME and she had another child by him. They are still together...well then, be happy and let others be happy as well!! Stop worrying about what others do with their lives and worry about yours...I stayed quiet for so many years because I didn't want it to be me, the one to break my cousins' heart...but had I had a crystal ball and known that regardless of ANYTHING, I was going to feel or be blamed for the "SECRET" coming out...I would have followed through with my case in NYC when I was 16 and HE would be in prison right now! My aunt would have NEVER been ABLE to talk about ANYONE!! With what face, if her husband and father of her kids RAPED THEIR OWN NIECE!!

I GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO STAND UP WITH YOUR HEAD HELD HIGH AND OPEN YOUR BIG MOUTH, TO TALK AND RIDICULE ME AND EVERYONE IN OUR FAMILY...I GAVE THAT RIGHT TO YOU...DO NOT FORGET IT! BECAUSE WITH YOUR HUSBAND BEHIND BARS, YOU WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT ANYONE, BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN A CHILD RAPIST!!!

DO NOT PLACE BLAME ON OTHERS FOR WHAT YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND MADE HAPPEN!! YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN KISSING MY FAMILY'S FEET FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S FREEDOM!! BUT NO, YOU THINK THAT 17 YEARS OF YOUR NEGATIVITY, INSULTS, RIDICULE, CONSTANT FIGHTING AND PUTTING "D, K & J" AGAINST ME AND MY FAMILY WOULD BE ACCEPTED??...A PERSON GETS FED UP AND I AM BEYOND FED UP!! IT IS TIME FOR ME TO START LIVING MY LIFE!! AND I WILL, WITH MY HEAD UP HIGH WHERE IT SHOULD HAVE ALWAYS BEEN...YOU CAN CONTINUE TO SAY ANYTHING THAT YOU WANT TO SAY ABOUT MY FAMILY AND ME...FACT IS...WE ARE GETTING MUCH CLOSER AS A FAMILY LIKE NEVER BEFORE, MY ISSUE IS BEING SPOKEN ABOUT AND THEY ARE HELPING ME THROUGH IT AND BY THE TIME WE ARE DONE, OUR BOND WILL BE STRONGER THAN...YOU...HAVE EVER BEEN!!

I WILL PRAY FOR YOUR SOUL BECAUSE YOU WILL NEED ALL THE PRAYER IN THE WORLD...AND I WILL PRAY THAT MY COUSINS WILL ONE DAY THINK FOR THEMSELVES AND PLACE BLAME ON THE RIGHT PERSON...NOT ME! AND THAT THEY FIND IT IN THEIR HEARTS TO FORGIVE ME FOR ANY WAY THAT I MAY HAVE WRONGED THEM!!

See Part 1, Part 2,Part 3 and Part 4 of Lonely at Heart's story.

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From Lonely at Heart Part 6

by Sandra
(Tampa, Florida, USA)

All my life since I can remember I have had nightmares about what was happening to me, and once the abuse stopped, I started to continue to have the nightmares! They have never gone away, and although they ease up at times, I wonder if I will ever be completely free from them. Now, that all this has erupted in my life AGAIN, the nightmares have become worse and more intense. A feeling that "HE" is there in the room with me overtakes me, and although we live in different states, the fear that I will open my eyes one night and realize that it is not a nightmare but a mere reality gives me the chills!! I pray harder on these nights than any other night just 'cause I have to find a way to get my heart to calm down and my nervous system to go back to its stable rhythm. I wake up in sweats, when the house is cold! Or even when the house is burning hot I have to sleep COMPLETELY covered from mouth and neck all the way to my toes. I sleep with four pillows and a teddy bear...my pillows protect me...and my teddy comforts me!! Although I have a man that I trust with my eyes closed, he does not sleep with me every night. We have a long distance relationship. And although most think that a relationship like that is NOT a relationship, WE make it work and WE LOVE EACH OTHER!!

I honestly never expected that once this whole situation came out it would be like this, and that myself and my family would be shot out like WE did something wrong...but it is what it is and life goes on. It hurts, hurts bad and it is so much easier said than done...people say, "Don't think about them, worry about yourself, it is all about you now, they will one day understand, move on." But how do you do such a thing when ALL your life you have thought about others and not yourself??

The way that I feel right now, I want to be that person that doesn't give a damn about anyone and that ONLY thinks of herself and her wellbeing...God, if I was that person the hurting I would be putting on "him" right now is unimaginable. I wouldn't care about consequences, just simply...REVENGE!! But in my heart I know that I am not THAT TYPE of person...I wish I was...right now I do...'cause I feel that somebody has to pay for this pain and anguish I feel in my heart...I can't think of an episode or even of what just happened or of how my mother, father, sister, brother, aunts, cousins, boyfriend might be feeling or thinking 'cause it feels like I CAN'T BREATHE!! Not because of what they might be thinking towards me, but more so because of how this has affected them. I really hate what is happening to me NOW more than ever 'cause before when it had been overlooked...the only one dealing with it was me...it was MY secret in life...and only I shared that PAIN...'cause I didn't know how others felt (not saying they had no pain themselves, just that I wasn't aware of it). Now, everyone that cares about me shares the pain with me and has let me know...and I don't know what is worse...the knowing or not knowing and just pretending that no one cared. This is not to say that I do not appreciate the support...believe you me Dar, I do!! It is just that I don't know how to handle it simply because I am high/low, high/low, never stable for too long and it is exhausting, tiring, overwhelming! Although, to me these feelings and jump of emotions are all normal, for lack of a better word...I can't wait til I feel them no longer!!! I want to give love and receive love without feeling guilty or non-deserving of it!
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Well, again it has been another day full of emotions and roll-coaster ride feelings as I sit here...it's enough for today...Thank you for reading!!

God Bless!!

See Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 and Part 5 of Lonely at Heart's story.

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From Lonely at Heart Part 7

by Sandra
(Tampa, Florida, USA)

I remember walking out of school one day heading to the bus stop with my friends, when I noticed the van. Every curse I knew at that age ran through my mind, in both English and Spanish. I walked up to the window, and with a smiling face he said, "Come on we are going out." I asked if I could leave with my friends, and he said with a sweet voice that he had been waiting for me and that he had something really nice to show me...we went back and forth for a little bit and then I had no choice but to leave with him. Needless to say that I was furious and I let it show...well, he didn't like that! He said that with behavior like that we were not going anywhere, so he took me home! YES!! I said...I got out of this one!!

Well, as we walked through the door, he told my grandmother that he had found me in the corner of my school making out with some boy and smoking and that all my girlfriends were all with boys as well and that when he asked me to go do a job with him I answered him with 5 stones in my hand, in front of all my friends...he made such a BIG deal about a LIE...my grandma did not believe me and I got a spanking for being a whore and for being disrespectful to the person that was taking care of me and giving me all I wanted like if I was his own child!! (I LOVE my grandma, with her strong hand and all I LOVE HER & ALWAYS WILL...SHE was being MANIPULATED by that A**HOLE)...Always the same lecture, over and over and over again!! All because I didn't want to go be with him...the more I sat in my room and thought about it the angrier I would get...the more my rage grew...until he walked in the room and told me "DE ALGUNA MANERA TE VA A GUSTAR"..."ONE WAY OR ANOTHER YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE IT."

I will NEVER forget those words....at first I was confused and in my anger I was not thinking right. All I thought was how am I ever going to like getting beat?? But the next time that we were "together" he asked it to me in my ear: "DO YOU LIKE IT NOW?? ISN'T IT EASIER THIS WAY??" All I could do was just lay there and take it...close my eyes and cry...

He always did that...LIE...if I didn't want to be with him or if I didn't fight him and we were late to go somewhere it was still MY fault!! I remember one day, I had to go pick up 2 of my girlfriends to give them a ride to school...I had my cello and my girlfriends had the bass and viola. Well, we left the house about 15 earlier so that we wouldn't be late to school...well, I remember to this day it is CLEAR in my mind how I just saw "N & R" standing there in front of the building waiting and we just drove right by...when I questioned, he said that we were going to get breakfast and we would be back for them...well, you can imagine breakfast and we never went back for them.

When I got home I was upset 'cause my friends were mad at me and they didn't want to hear it...they had been late to school. Well, my aunt got a call from my friend's mom expressing how upset she was that her daughter was late and such...so I got in trouble at home because I hadn't told him that we had to pick up my friends...that got me so upset that I started yelling saying that that wasn't true, that I did tell him and that he said that we were going to get breakfast and then pick them up...he was laughing and was like, "Why would we get breakfast if she had breakfast here...I dropped her off in front of the school and left to go to work."

Then like 15 minutes later the phone rings and it's my school notifying that I had been late to school!! Well, he didn't know why I was late if he dropped me off just in time. Where the hell was I going to go with a damn cello??? Well, my aunt didn't want to hear anything that I had to say because lately I was becoming more and more of a LIAR...so...there goes another beating and hair-pulling and name-calling and more lectures and lectures...it was a long long day for me every time I got in to trouble because I didn't do as HE wanted...it was a LOOOOONG day for ME...while he laid on his bed watching TV in his boxers...as if HE HAD NOTHING to do with what was going on!!!!

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That's all for today! God Bless!

See Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5 and Part 6 of Lonely at Heart's story.

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From Lonely at Heart Part 8

by Sandra
(Tampa, USA)

Have you ever just felt that you have to preoccupy yourself with anything and everything just so that you can function throughout the day?? I have been forcing myself to feel nothing just go with the flow of whatever moment I am living...and although I may seem FINE to everyone around me...I feel like I am gliding through life...

The way I feel right now....I wish he was allergic to bee stings...and I was the Queen of ALL bees...just so that I could sting him to death...and in return me not feel anymore pain or feel anymore like I am just existing and not really living...

No, I am not going to hurt myself or anything like that...it's just how I feel...I don't want to hurt or feel anything that has a negative impact...I WANT TO BE HAPPY!! I want to be FREE!!

No story today just some feelings...God bless!!

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From Lonely at Heart Part 9

by Sandra
(Tampa, USA)

I have been trying my hardest to avoid this site and to avoid anything that has to do with how I have felt since this whole thing came about again 2 months ago...well here we go again...

"I don't remember much about what happened after I spoke to my mother...here is what I do remember...my aunt calling him in Colombia where he was vacationing and telling him not to come back...my mother crying and crying uncontrollably...my father, all I remember from him pretty much was anger and sometimes I heard him cry.

I remember one day shortly after I was home with my mother and she was cooking and she sat at the edge of my bed with a bowl in her lap peeling some potatoes. She was asking me questions about what he used to do to me and I was trying to tell her without hurting her more 'cause she just kept crying and crying and ALL that kept running through my mind was 'why...why...did you have to go and say anything...damn you Sandra for f***ing everyone else up!!' My father walked in from work that day and she walked out to the kitchen to really lose it. She cried with such emotion and my father trying to console her, that all I could do was wish I could turn back time.

Again, I don't remember much about how the court proceedings started or if he got arrested or not, so I will tell you what I do remember...

I recall being in the hospital and having tests done...I recall talking to counselors at the hospital...I recall having my little cousins go through the same things as me...I recall talking to a counselor at the courthouse and feeling really really aggravated, not wanting to continue repeating the same story over and over...I remember feeling like crap when I would see my little cousins cry 'cause their father was not home...I remember my aunt saying that I was making things up and my mother yelling at her that the hospital report does not lie...I remember my father started to drink more and more and fighting worse when he would be drunk and all the things that he would say about why I stayed quiet for so long, "She must of liked it"...I remember my mother crying about her family and her marriage were falling apart.

I finished with my counselor at the courthouse and now I had to face him in the courtroom...I hadn't seen him since he got back from his trip...the last time I saw him was a few days after my sweet sixteen and he picked me up from school and took me to eat 'cause he had to talk to me. He apologized for having to go on his trip but he promised to bring me back something really nice. He asked me what I wanted and I remember looking away from my pizza and staring at him and saying, "I want you to leave me alone!" and tears started to roll down my face...he smiled...I HATE THAT F***ING SMILE!!! He smiled and said, "No puedo...tu eres mia!" ("I can't...you are mine!") I pushed the pizza away and walked out...I walked as fast as I could to get away but I didn't make it far...he had his way and he was off.

So, now I had to face him and I couldn't...I couldn't do it...I came out of the counselor's office and I saw my mother arguing with my aunt. I asked what was going on and my mother said, "NOTHING"...my aunt spoke: "The results are negative. He never touched or did anything to the girls." My mother asked me if I was sure I wanted to continue doing this...my aunt yelling how I was being inconsiderate and not thinking about anyone else but myself and for what...I wanted to crawl under a rock and die...at times I still do...so since there was no rock big enough...I crawled my way back to the counselor's office and asked her to withdraw all charges...that I couldn't go through this alone and that I couldn't continue putting my family through anymore pain...I cried and cried and ran out of her room...my mother tried to stop me but I did not want her to touch me either...well, for that I was rude...damn it...it really is a no win situation.

What happened after that...well...everything went back to being as normal as normal can be...he went back to his family...my aunt spread her legs one more time and got pregnant by him, not for love but to continue covering up all his screw ups and continue pretending they are the happiest family. My father continued drinking himself to nothing on a weekend basis...and I just bottled it all up and tried to live my life...I had to endure seeing him around...the restriction order meant nothing to him...he even crashed my daughter's baptism and I couldn't kick him out 'cause..."There are just too many guests Sandra...do you want people to find out what happened so many years ago...let it go." I wanted to kill him...I still do at times....at others I just want him to suffer, suffer what I have suffered for so many years...I want him to suffer the embarrassment I feel every day of my life!!!

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Well thanx again for reading! I am going to leave this one like this just because I cannot continue not right now...

Sandra from Darlene: You'll note that all your posts are now on this one page (scroll down a bit and you'll see how it looks). A brand new upgrade has opened up a feature that now allows me to place multiple posts on the same page, which is what I've done with your story submissions. They all flow in most recent post order Part 9 on top; first one on the bottom). All existing comments remain intact, but you will have to click onto the comments link beneath each post below in order to get to them, including the comment I left you today. You can leave a comment yourself too if you'd like. Just click on the appropriate comments link.

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From Lonely at Heart Part 10

by Sandra
(Tampa, Florida, USA)

I think that the biggest reason why I cannot let go of my past, is not only because I haven't faced it or faced my abuser but because I have SO MUCH anger, hatred, resentment, and more hatred on top of it all still held inside. I am beside myself in humiliation, to have to for so many years still look at his face and hear his voice, to have him address me. And me, HAVE to respond him, so that my cousins wouldn't notice anything, to wait and wait and wait for the day that MY AUNT, my own flesh and blood, would speak up for me...(without me realizing that IF my OWN FLESH and blood ((Juancho))could RAPE me...then there was no way my own flesh and blood ((aunt)) WOULD defend me)to wait for the day that I would not HAVE to ever see him again and not feel guilty or dirty as if I had brought this upon myself or as if I had done the family wrong....

I won't be able to start healing UNTIL he is just as HUMILIATED as I am!

Because to simply start healing is to say...I was done wrong, I have to accept it, learn to deal with it and move on...WELL I HAVE REALIZED THAT I CANNOT and I WILL NOT!!

It is too late to put him in prison...the law sucks for having limitations on such CRIMES!! When the victim has to live with it for the rest of his/her life!! But one way or the other, he shall feel what I have felt ALL my life....his family may have forgiven him and found a way to look at him the same and embrace him as though he is God...and although I shouldn't concern myself with that...I DO!! Why?? Because to me, that means that EVERYONE that I tried to protect and endured so many years of suffering, so many years of driving myself crazy....have turned their back on me...and sided with him!! And although that is their decision, their problem, their life...it concerns me!! And although not many may see where I am coming from or how I feel...WALK 1 day in my shoes and THEN tell me that I am wrong!!

So, therefore I will not rest until, the humiliation is satisfactorily equal to mine!!

Note from Darlene: I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of commenting on visitor submissions to the degree I have in the past, as I am currently writing a book on healing from child abuse. I ask that you please read my post of June 24, 2009 titled Announcement Regarding my Comments for a complete explanation. I welcome you to follow my progress on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I do hope to hear from you there.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.