Child Abuse Story From KJA

by KJA
(Location Undisclosed)

I'm having severe nightmares of sexual abuse, from my neighbor back when I was 6. I'm 18 now and I've had these nightmares for almost a year. They started off small and innocent, but grew into horrible monsters that scare me to the point of insomnia. I've went the longest two days without sleep, just so I wouldn't have to dream about what happened. It's not so much that it's a dream memory, more like my mind takes what actually happened and multiples it.

I have high anxiety now, and caffeine addiction, and I've even dropped 35 pounds since last year. I've been going to therapy, and I've been talking about it with my mom as well. She has been very supportive and has listened to everything I've had to say. I never told anyone fully about what he did to me, not 'cause I don't want them to know, it's just I don't remember everything and some things I'm too ashamed to admit to even my mom. I talk to her about it but I can see it in her face that she can't handle thinking about our old neighbor doing those things to her boy and she not knowing. She's a very sweet woman and I don't like seeing that look on her face or giving it to her. So I only tell my therapist everything that I remember. But even then, it's not enough.

I feel like my mind is out to kill me sometimes, like the anxiety will eventually stop my heart and I will die. That's how scary it is thinking about it and him. I want to move on, and I thought I have dealt with it but apparently not.

How do I deal with something I don't fully remember or understand? I get so confused and scared sometimes I don't even want to think at all. I just sink further into my black hole and that's not healthy.

Please someone. I need to get some closure but I don't know how and I am trying. I just want to sleep peacefully. I'm going to college now and I lose focus at school from lack of sleep, and I'm trying to get better but I'm stuck in place.

The effects of what he did to me have shaped me into what I am today. I think because of him, I became gay, but I didn't think about it till I was 18. I thought I've been gay since I reached puberty and didn't like girls. I've always been a girly and rather bake cookies than play football, but what if I'm only that way 'cause he abused me. I don't like thinking too much on it but maybe I should start. I have sexual feelings towards older men in their 30s. That has always been my basic type, and what do you know: my abuser was an older man in his thirties.

I really don't want to believe that my sexual preference is my nightmare. And I don't want to believe that I only feel that way 'cause I liked it. That's one of my fears. that I never told anyone 'cause it felt good what he was doing and all the things he whispered to me were truth, that he really loved me and he made me love him back, but I'm so hurt and confused and I can't move on. I just want to sleep and I'm out of options.

~KJA

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Child Abuse Story From KJA Part 2

by KJA
(Location Undisclosed)

This is the another part of my story, the first time i was raped was assembly day, where the school would hold a event where they teach the younger kids about strangers and saying no. that day after watching that program and hearing about good touch bad touch, i started to think....."there lying, he loves me hes not hurting me, he makes me feel good, hes not a stranger he says he loves me." i started to get upset and a lady looked at me, so i tried to pay attention more and pretend like nothing was wrong. i didn't want them to know, and i didn't want them to tell me that he was a bad guy, cause he was very important to me and i didn't see what he did as wrong. weird maybe but he made me feel good and special, would that all stop if i told, what would happen to him, would the policeman take him away? Would i be taken away too? was i bad? No i wasn't but i didn't know that at the time, i was scared and conflicted. we got let home early that day and we had a break, it was either thanksgiving or Christmas, because it was cold out side. I went straight to his house because no one was home and i was supposed to go there anyway, he was right next door. a big part in my nightmares is the stairs, going down those stairs to the basement he had. It was a nice basement, a bathroom a bed room and the big entertainment space, full of toys and games and the big sectional we napped on, and where most of our touching took place. He was waiting for me down there, sitting in our spot with a Disney movie in. I asked him really harshly ...are you a bad man ? he says, "what do you mean sweety I'm not a bad man." I tell him about the assembly and what they said...then he got really quiet and dark. i was still on the stairs and he came up to get me, he asked me if i thought he was bad, and he tried to kiss me, i pulled away from him, he was being scary and i tried to run up the stairs, i wanted my mommy. In my dream this is the really scary part, where i think the darkness is going to kill me, the blackness that's takes over the stairs and takes over him. He grabs me before i can get anywhere and he drags me down to the dark room, its very hot in there and I'm scared he's never this mean to me, i want my mommy. when I'm in my dream I'm i can never see his face clearly his face is very dark and just evil. In my memories i see him just fine, he looks sad, he asked me if i was gonna tell my mom on him and i started to cry, so he kissed me and told me not to cry, and i tried to pull away again, and he got angry,so he was angry and forceful when he took my clothes off, it only made me more upset and he started to hit me so id be quiet. he never hit me before i stopped crying and curled into a ball while he undressed, locked the door and turned off all the lights except his lamp. it was so hot in that room he had a heater going and it was so hot. I felt his hands touch and rub my belly and legs...i was scared but when he started touching me and putting his mouth on me, it made me excited and that made him happy/mad for some reason, he got angry and he turned me over so that i was lying on my stomach and my butt was presented to him. he started touching my butt and i was shocked, what are you doing, please stop don't touch me. he was whispering angrily to me and touching me hardly. in my dreams i hear him saying to me, " i love you so much, your making me have to hurt you cause you wanna tell, you know i would never hurt you but look what your making me do, your gonna tell your mom on me, after Ive only been good to you, bought you nice things, spent time with you, held you close, kissed and hugged you. your mine, my boy, my babe, my angel, no one can have you but me, and no one will take you away from me." he said all those things as he raped me for the first time, and i screamed and begged for him to stop. it didn't last long maybe a hour or two, but when he finally stopped and he bathed me and he put my clothes back on for me cause i wasn't moving or responding to him. he kept saying how sorry he was and how much he loved me, and how he was gonna take care of me. when we got back to the entertainment room i still wasn't responding to him so he started stroking me again and whispering horrible things to me. the thing that stuck out most was "if you tell your mommy on me, ill have to kill her and take you away with me, because you will always be mine and i will always take care of you." i didn't tell anyone what he did to me, till i was online chatting with someone i met online. its easier to tell painful things on paper or on screen, a lot different in person, it took a a few months before i told my therapist about the stairs over 10 years later, i don't like telling my story but, i know now that it wasn't my fault and the darkness wont kill me because i have help now. I still have nightmares but there not as bad as before, Thank you all that read this and all that give me support.

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