Child Abuse Story From Kayla O

by K
(Location Undisclosed)

I am a college student right now, and for safety purposes, I am going to change my name and the names of those in this disclosure.

When I was a young child, starting from the age of 2 years old until I was 8 years old, my father molested me. He also molested my sister and my cousin, the three of us, and sometimes I would have to watch. But my sister has never remembered what happened, and my cousin only remembers what happened to her. I am the only one that remembers it all.

My mother has never really cared about me, because I am her first child, and she has always loved my only sister, who is younger than me, more. But when she found out about what my father was doing to me, she only did something because she was told if she didn't she'd be reported, and she cares about mainly only herself.

When she found out about what my father was doing, my father went to jail, and then my mother started to hate me even more. At first it wasn't frequent when she would get mad at me and hit me, or throw me across the room or yell at me and call me names and stuff like that, but it got worse and more frequent.

We have always moved a lot because people would start to wonder what was going on, and my mother for the longest time would tell everyone and their friends, and my friends and our family and my sister's friends what my father did, even though it was not any of their business, except counselors.

And when we moved the first time after my father went to jail, the upstairs neighbor was allowed to babysit my sister and I on occasion, and during those times, he would chase me around the house, until he caught me, and bring me into mine and my sister's room, with just me and him in there and lock the doors so my sister and nobody else could get in there, and then he would tie me to my bed and rape me, and this happened when he would babysit us from the time I was 8 until the time I was 10. Except he knew how to make it seem like nothing had happened, because he would tie me down with something thick between my skin and the ropes so the rope burns wouldn't be there, and he put garbage bags under me so it could easily be cleaned. Plus he would force me to wash up before my mother got home.

My mother has never been very good at choosing men, so they were always nice at first, until after a year, or once she married them. Then they didn't care what they did. So my mother's boyfriend that she had when I was 8 until I was 10 would throw things around and insult us and punch things and from there it escalated to hitting my mother, with my sister and I hiding in another room, watching it all. But at least this boyfriend, I will name George, didn't physically hurt my sister or me, or sexually hurt me or my sister.

Then, when we moved to another town when I was 10, my mother met this guy she liked, who seemed okay at first, and decided to marry him. This was the thing that I feel has hurt me the most. Before she married him, she let him live with us for a while. When he lived with us, he wasn't physically violent toward us, but when he and I were alone, let's call him Henri, he would make sexual advances towards me. At first it wasn't as bad as it got, and I was scared to say anything anyways, and even if I did, I had already tried to tell my mother about the other guy and she didn't believe me, so I didn't think she would believe me about him, either. So I didn't say anything to my mother about Henri, especially since he was threatening me with doing the same stuff to my sister if I told, and so I didn't tell anyone. But at first it was just the sort of stuff my biological father did, then he raped me whenever he could. But when my mother got married to him, it went downhill from there.

He was a "Christian", so he started reciting things from the Bible when he did it, and twisting it so it would justify what he did. And he knew exactly how to make it look like it was not even happening, which wasn't too hard, because my mother was almost always drunk, and even when she wasn't, somehow it was either my fault or not happening. I couldn't take showers without being raped or sleep without being woken up to him on top of me, and he would sing Christian songs and twist it to fit whatever he desired.

My mother and Henri would be naked and making love on the couch with nothing covering them when my sister and I came home from school or it was the weekend and they would say that there was nothing wrong with what they were doing.

And my mother would also get mad at me over stupid things like the dishes and throw things at me and hit me, and kick me, basically use whatever was around her that could harm me when she got mad, and I would be out of school sometimes, but vacations were worse than school times, because there was nobody that they had to deal with for suspicions arising. So things would be worse during times off from school and I would be allowed to heal before school was back, and whatever went on during school was hidden by makeup and clothing and what-not. Even now, my biggest problem being able to cope with life is hearing Christian music or Christian verses or anything about the Bible.

Henri raped me from the time I was 10 until the time I was 13, almost 14, when I was able to officially escape from my mother's house. But when I was 13, almost 14, I was at my next-door neighbor's house and a guy who was visiting there, let's call him Cory, raped me, but I didn't call out for help because I didn't want my neighbors who lived there to feel responsible, because Cory didn't even live there. And there were two young children there and I didn't want to wake or scare them, because the youngest was sick and the whole family was tired and they are good people. What Cory did to me only happened once, but it took me by surprise. He was the only one that took me by surprise. Even to this day I can't stop thinking about it all, because it all happened for 11, almost 12 years.

My mother still doesn't care about me, still doesn't love me, and I keep wishing that I could have a family that really loves me and didn't ever hurt me the way they did, but I don't think that is going to happen. I try to stay positive and all, but it's hard. I have more going on inside my head than I let people know about, and since they don't know what goes on inside my head, they think that I am resilient and a good person and everything, but I just can't seem to see what they see. I have been in counseling since I was 8, but I do not feel like anything has gotten any better, and I do not feel like the pain has lessened or gotten easier to cope with. In fact, I think in the last 3 years it has gotten harder to deal with. I have so much that runs through my brain, that the more I try to figure out how to lessen the amount of hurt I feel inside, the more I feel like turning to something that might get rid of it.

What I do not understand is how people can sit there and try to tell me that things will get better in time, that it will get easier to deal with. I have been trying to deal with it for 17, going on 18 years now, and it does not seem to be getting any better. In fact, it feels like it is getting harder to deal with.

I feel also like everything is my fault, like somehow I could've prevented it, even though I did try, like there was something more I could've done to stop it all from happening. I know not all people are bad, and I know there are more good people than bad people, but I have a hard time letting people fully in, and not trying to push them away. I just feel like I don't deserve love or happiness, or any of that stuff, even though I do want it.

Note from Darlene: I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of commenting on visitor submissions to the degree I have in the past, as I am currently writing a book on healing from child abuse. I ask that you please read my post of June 24, 2009 titled Announcement Regarding my Comments for a complete explanation. I welcome you to follow my progress on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I do hope to hear from you there.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From Kayla O Part 2

by K
(Location Undisclosed)

Secretly Deeply Hurting: 
To this day, I still have a very hard time dealing with Christian-related things, and sometimes other things bring flashbacks. Not to mention I have a hard time believing that I am a good person.

Everyone around me keeps telling me that I am a good person and I am very resilient, but I just don't see what they see. And I feel like there had to have been something more that I could've done to prevent or stop this stuff, even though I tried whatever was safe enough to try to escape and stop it.

People think how can I go through all of that stuff and still seem so close to normal, but what they don't realize is that I hurt so bad inside. I have more running through my brain that I choose not to show to the world so they don't have to deal with it, but some things I can't keep secret. And I know it isn't good to keep such bad secrets, but I don't want people to know how badly I am hurting inside.

People keep telling me that in time things will get easier to cope with and the pain will lessen, but I have been trying to cope with stuff like this for 17 going on 18 years, since it all started at the age of 2 years, and the pain only seems to be intensifying, and getting harder to cope with. I have been in counseling since I was 8 years old, but this hope people keep telling me to hold onto is getting harder to hold onto, and is getting harder to believe in.

I know not everyone is bad, and I know that there are more good people than bad, but I am having a hard time getting over my past. And there are so many people who tell me that the past is in the past and I should just get over it and move on with my life, but the harder I try to get over it and move on, the harder it is to do just that. I try so hard to be everything everyone thinks I should be, but the harder I try to be what everyone wants me to be, the more I feel like a failure and the more I feel like I am burying myself for the sake of the modern-day fast-paced world, this world that needs to slow down and smell the roses. I just think there is so much more this whole world could band together to fix, but choose to just put a veil over.

It is very hard for me to even force myself out of bed every day, and the more time that passes, the harder it gets, except nobody seems to notice how hard it is for me. They just think that I am doing okay, that I will be okay, but not everything is always okay, not everything always turns out okay, all hunky-dorey, and a lot of people don't seem to take everything in. I have so much hurt inside me that is deeper than anyone will ever be able to comprehend, that just seems to be getting deeper and more painful every day.

Note from Darlene: I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of commenting on visitor submissions to the degree I have in the past, as I am currently writing a book on healing from child abuse. I ask that you please read my post of June 24, 2009 titled Announcement Regarding my Comments for a complete explanation. I welcome you to follow my progress on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I do hope to hear from you there.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From K2 Part 3

by K
(Location Undisclosed)

I think I need to clarify part of what I was saying in my past comments. I was abused by more than one person-4 to be exact before the age of 14. And although Christian stuff does really bring back stuff, I have met many good Christians in my life. It is just what "Henri" subjected me to that has made it very difficult for me to bear anything Christian without flashbacks. I know that not all Christians are bad people. I have met many good people, but I have also met many people who have hurt me.

I am still trying to learn how to choose the right relationships that won't hurt me. It was my mother who would hit me and throw things at me and make me the reason for everyone's problems, and who said many hurtful things and didn't believe me even when it was done in front of her, and everything. That is the biggest reason why I believe that my mother is right. I try to do my best, but no matter how good I try nothing is ever good enough for her. And because I have had to take out a protection order on her, most of my mother's side of the family wants nothing to do with me. Not to mention, the only time anyone used to ever have anything to do with me anyways was when I would try to contact them. Otherwise, they wouldn't care either way, nor would they know whether I was alive or dead.

I am hurting more than anyone knows, and I feel bad that anyone has to go through such horrible things as I have read and heard and seen. The stuff I have said is only the tip of the iceberg.

I know that I have already written a lot on this site, but I feel it is the only place that won't try to give me a time limit on healing, because my pessimism is my most obvious way to try to let people know I am really hurting very bad, and it hurts now more than it ever did in the past.

I do not understand how people can say that things get better in time. I feel that it only gets worse, especially as more events happen. I feel more and more like this thing people keep calling "normal everyday life" is just stupid to try to live with. How can anyone live in a world filled with so much horrible things?

I have been around so many people and events, good and bad, and I honestly believe there cannot be any way to lessen the pain. I have tried so hard to get over the crap in this world, tried to be positive, tried to find the good in the bad, tried to deal with things, tried to talk, tried to use countless amounts of coping skills, and practically everything you can name to help, but none seem to do a thing. There are some things that help for a very short period of time, but then it is back to steadily increasing the pain. It has never been fully manageable, even though I frequently seem fine. I just don't know how much more of this thing they call life I can handle.

I know there are good people, but as much as I hate to say this, I believe the bad far outweighs the good, at least in my case. And there is so little even people I have told stuff like this to know. I just do not think there is a single person on this earth who can handle hearing everything that has happened and understand the extent to the pain I have, or even get close, even though there are so many people out there who have been through horrible things, and even though those people can understand a slight piece of the pain I have been through. I am sorry for everything.

Note from Darlene: I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of commenting on visitor submissions to the degree I have in the past, as I am currently writing a book on healing from child abuse. I ask that you please read my post of June 24, 2009 titled Announcement Regarding my Comments for a complete explanation. I welcome you to follow my progress on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I do hope to hear from you there.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From K2 Part 4

by K
(Location Undisclosed)

I wonder if it's normal for someone who was abused as a child to try to reconnect with family, even if they know it isn't safe. I am almost 20 years old now, but I started to try to reconnect with my family after I turned 18, only to find out that one, my mother hadn't changed a bit, and two, my father had only gotten worse. I feel stupid for trying to reconnect, even though I knew it wasn't safe. But I felt trapped by my family, despite not even living with them, and what makes it even harder was that I am considered an adult now, and I was not living with them, but I still felt trapped by them.

I, as an adult, should have known what to do to protect myself, but even my own family, my father's side, told me that I should stop acting like a child and grow up. This was a conversation that happened before I even chose to see my father again. They wanted me to see my father, who had hurt me as a child. He molested me when I was a child, but he went to jail for it. Only from 1998-2001. He admitted to part of what he did, but he never admitted to the full extent of what he did. He admitted to hurting me and my cousin one time. But he hurt more than just me and my cousin and he hurt us more than one time.

He was supposed to be in jail until my cousin and I were 18 years old, but he got out when I was still only 11 years old. He wasn't allowed to see us, or talk to us or anything, or even to be around children younger than 16 years of age especially while he was on probation, but even though he broke the stipulations of his probation, they never could prove it, and they never could do anything about it.

Well, as hard as this is to say, I was stupid enough to see them again. Even though I was told to stop acting like a child, grow up, forgive and forget, pretend like nothing ever had happened, and stick by his side no matter what, I still had the choice to go or not. I went, over vacation, and he hurt me again. Only this time it went further. He raped me with an object and he also digitally raped me, comments were made, and this sort of stuff happened 3 times in one week. The week before going back to college.

I feel like it has to be my fault that it happened, because I knew what he was capable of, but I felt trapped by my family, regardless of whether I lived with them or not. I mean, the conversation that I was told to stop acting like a child I was also told if I didn't have a relationship with my father then I wouldn't have any family. I was told that if I didn't stop acting like a child and get over myself then I would lose my father's family, not just my father. And I only went to see him because of this conversation, and because I thought that maybe my family was right. He had served his time, and he had gone to counseling and everything, so maybe nothing would happen. The conversation was sometime in the fall of 2008, I think. But it still stuck in my mind weighing heavily on my decisions with my family. I wanted a family, and I thought that maybe I could rebuild a family, but when I was with family, I felt like I was losing part of myself, and when I was thinking about what it would be like without a family, I felt like I would lose part of myself that way too. But after the thing that happened about a month ago, I was forced to try to look again. How much was I really losing either way? I only chose that I didn't care if I lost my family anymore, because I have to think about others...what if he is hurting others? I don't matter, really, but they do. So what am I really losing by sticking by his side? I am losing my power and ability to help others. I know all of this is a bit jumbled up, but I wrote it as it came to me in my head. My head is scrambled up a lot right now, so that is why this is all scrambled up. I also keep thinking about what will happen, when I tell, all of the turmoil I will be creating not only for me but for the rest of the family, and what if nothing can be done, because I didn't go to the hospital? And so much more things that are running through my brain, and I feel selfish for feeling this way. Because stuff like this has never affected me like this. I feel dirty and ashamed and I can't get any of it out of my head.

I know that this site is about child abuse, but in a way this sort of is about that. Because it isn't about what he's done to me any more-it's about all of the people and all of the ways I have been hurt as a child and as a new adult, a young adult. It is about me feeling like a child, and not feeling safe anywhere or with anyone anymore. It is about so much more, even what I haven't put into words yet. And I feel so stupid, and dirty and ashamed and all of the other things that I can't even put into words right now.

Note from Darlene: I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of commenting on visitor submissions to the degree I have in the past, as I am currently writing a book on healing from child abuse. I ask that you please read my post of June 24, 2009 titled Announcement Regarding my Comments for a complete explanation. I welcome you to follow my progress on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I do hope to hear from you there.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From K2 Part 5

by K2
( Location Undisclosed)

There are a lot of pieces i still dont like talking about, but i wanted people to know...there was another person that hurt me as a child sexually but i dont want to mention who because its really embarrassing...and i want people to know i just cant talk about that one, which is why i said it was 4 people that hurt me as a child when it was actually more...im still trying to accept that what happened was what it was...and its really embarrassing...and ashaming...more so than any other bits...i think...i really dont know any more...im not who i used to be any more...im not as able to handle things as i used to be...what happened most recently has made things a lot harder to handle...and ive been pretending im ok for quite some time when im really not...i still feel like im to blame for everything, like im a horrible person, like i dont deserve anything good...its all my fault what has happened...
its all my fault...im sorry...

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Note from Darlene: I welcome you to follow me on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I hope to hear from you there!

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.