Child Abuse Story From Joseph Part 2

by Joseph
(Pennsylvania, USA)

I'm going to start off on what kind of beliefs I believe. I use to believe in God. I use to pray every day for help, but got nothing (in my eyes), and Love that was there for my Religion was filled with Hate, Anger, and Abandonment. Just like most of the trust I had with people. Even till this day, people I talk to say go to church, but I'm the kind of person who can't just jump into a church and feel better.

I had a good friend when I was growing up, who I spent a lot of time with. He was going through basically the same kind of abuse I was. He had the emotional and the physical but no sexual abuse. His family went to church, went to church outings, bake sales. Basically anything the church had to offer. It took me over two years to find out that he was abused by his Father. Out in public, even when they took me to church. He seemed so whole-some, a man with honor and integrity. It was hard even for me to believe. But when he went home, he wasn't nothing like that.

To me religion seemed empty and wrong. How could God let this kind of a person into his temple? I know not everyone is like that, but later in life he wasn't the only person I noticed with these kinds of issues. So I started to read about all types of religion. I learn how many people worshiped to the history. But no matter what, people always turned to me and said you need God. God puts nothing on you that you can't handle. So I slowly started to pray again, trying to make an effort to be more open-minded.

December 27th, 1996 I had a baby boy. I had just turned 14 years old. But even before that, I had a girlfriend who was raped and beaten to death. I was at the hospital with her when she died. We found out before she died that was 5 - 6 months pregnant. When she was told the baby had already died, she died herself about two minutes later. A few of my friends tried to help and throw a party of sorts. I was very suicidal then. His older brother got some alcohol and I got drunk. The girl who has always liked me took advantage of that, and she found out about a month later she was pregnant. And on the 27th of December he was born.

I did everything possible to make sure I was a good Father. I even went to court to be declared an adult. When I was 14 I could drive as long as I had my court papers, and could keep and hold down a job. When my Son was around six months old, I had my own place. Life was hard but good. I found things out about myself. That I'm a very determined, a responsible person. And most importantly that I didn't have any anger towards my Son, nor any sick thoughts. Which I was really terrified that I would have. Most books that I have read and People I have talked to basically said it would continue in a circle. What was done to me, I would do to others.

At age 15 I found out I had testicular cancer. But it did not stop me from my life. I did have some major problems. My white bloods cells turned on me and my heart stopped twice due to the Chemo. But I never stopped being a Father, I always did what I could when I could do it. It was very hard, mostly due to my Son being too young to understand why Daddy is so sick. As far as my Son's Mother, I could not forgive her for taking advantage of me. Even though it made my Son. So we never really got along. It made me not trust even more. But in the long run, my Son made me a better man, well at least shaped me faster and in the right direction.

I had summers off, that is when we spent the most time together. But like I said, my religion and belief in God is very shaky and on rocky ground. I had a strong inner peace that I would not trade for the world. But God giveth and Taketh away.

In December of 2000, I had underwent another Chemo session. It had a very bad reaction to me and I went into cardiac arrest. My Son's Mother who was on the way to see her family up north, got the call from the hospital, and turned around. I was going to go up with her and my Son a day later. As she was coming back, she got into a very bad car accident due to a semi running a red light and a drunk man too close to his back trailer running the red light as well. She was in the middle of the road trying to turn after the semi went and was smacked into broadside. It killed them both. The truck rammed them going 50-60MPH. I thought they were up north already. The Doctors thought I was too unstable and the stress of hearing that news would send me in shock or have another heart attack or even a stroke. I didn't learn about them until a month and a half later. A nurse lied to me and said they knew, and they respected my wishes to stay away until I was not hooked up to all the wires and tubes. She did it to protect me. It took me awhile to understand that and to except it. So I'm stilling dealing with not having closure.

After I got out, my life fell apart again. I lost my job and my apartment. I ended up living in my car. Having no cash, I managed to get a job at a Wal-Mart for a time being. Still hard to have a job and live out of your car. But I managed to be strong enough to stay away from drugs and alcohol. I stilled cried myself to sleep every night. I moved from Jacksonville, Florida to Reading, Pennsylvania in September 2004. I met my now Wife, and kind of got into relationship pretty fast. My Step-Son got me kind of hooked. I felt a hole in my heart kind of filled. Two weeks later my Now Wife got pregnant. Her anger really came out after we said I do. She abused my Step-Son so many ways, verbal, physical, and emotional. She broke a sweet innocent child into a little monster that was turned into a version of herself. Even being gone from her almost 2 years now, Her Son still has some major issues. Currently we are dealing with the state, based on her child caring abilities. She has broken my heart so many times.

I will continue with my Wife and the saga of my life in my next part of my ongoing life story. I just feel so lost and so confused about a lot of things. I'm certain about being a parent, about being responsible, but I'm still a lost little child trapped in a world of giants. I have so much rage and anger, that it overflows the love that I do have. Even though my Wife was the abuser, I still feel it was my fault. What ifs can eat you alive: what if I did this or that. I really need something good to happen, it feels like I'm lost down the rabbit hole. If there is a God, Why does this stuff happen to me? What could I have done different? How much more do you I have to go through? I know it's mostly to do with my mother getting into my head for such a long time. I know it will get better down the line, but I'm afraid of falling off before I get to that point. The funny thing is when people see me, they always think I'm very upstanding, strong-minded. But I have such a nightmare in my head. I've been reading other peoples' stories and it helps to know I'm not the only one dealing with so much pain and anger.

Thank you for reading my story!

Note from Darlene: I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of commenting on visitor submissions to the degree I have in the past, as I am currently writing a book on healing from child abuse. I ask that you please read my post of June 24, 2009 titled Announcement Regarding my Comments for a complete explanation. I welcome you to follow my progress on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. I do hope to hear from you there.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From Joseph Part 1

by Joseph
(Pennsylvania, USA)

Currently I'm a father of a boy and girl and a girl on the way. On the outside it would seem nothing is wrong. I'm a stand up guy, I'm active with my kids, I have pretty much my life together. But I have a horrible past, and only a few close people know. I was emotionally abused, sexually abused, and neglected by my mother. My father left before I was even born. My step-father came into my life when I was around two. I had a pretty good childhood, for awhile. When my step-father got a better job, he was gone from home for months at a time. He worked what you would call a school year, out most of the school year, then home all summer.

For the first year it was fine. I was now six years old. Then my mother started to change. She would touch me in places and see how I reacted. Then it happened more and more. Then she started to go down on me. I hated it. It did not real right. When I cried she would yell and smack me around. I remember that she told me this is what mommies were appose to do, and that is was ok, and it was good for me. She also told me never to tell my step-father, it was to be a secret. How was I to know any better? You are always taught to listen to your parents no matter what. So I did. She got me with the: "Everyone does it. It's just bad to tell people because they will laugh at you and make fun of you." Even today I'm plagued with What Ifs: What if I did this, or that. But I guess it does not matter. What is done is done, and can't be helped.

Years passed. When I was getting harder for her to control, the lies started. When my step-dad would return to home, she would tell him I stole money or I hit her. Of course without question, he would beat me to a pulp. I became so angry, so enraged. But her tactic worked. I was too scared to fight back. I was too weak to go against my step-father.

I began to question myself, blame myself for the abuse. She then began to make me go down on her. I hated that so much. She would use threats of my step-father. She said the things she would tell him, and they got worse and worse.

When I turned ten years old, that was the first time I was forced to have sex with her, and by far not the last.

When I was twelve, I was in middle school. I learned for the first time of child abuse. That's right. The school system failed me for the longest time. My fourth grade teacher also commented that I was a loner. But never questioned it from that point. I forgot to mention, my mother was always the homeroom teacher. Even when I joined Boy Scouts to get away a few hours a week, she became a den mother. I had no room to breathe, ever. When I confronted my middle school dean about more questions, he called my mother, with questions of why I was asking him abut child abuse. Two days later, I found out that I had over four hundred dollars in my backpack pocket. She put it there. A kid went through my backpack and found it. A bunch of kids were trying to fight me for it. I was taken to the dean's office, because it was such a commotion. Of course my mother was called. She told the dean I stole the money, that I was a thief. Why don't you know the table was turned, who would believe me now?

When he left us alone, she told me to confess to it, or she'd make it worse. I was too scared, and I caved. After that I started to workout in my room, using books, the bed anything to get stronger. I provoked her to get my step-father on me. When she did, I fought back. And won. Then I realized I didn't have to take this anymore. But I later realized how embarrassing it was to be sexually abused. That only women get abused. I was afraid of being a laughing stock. So I never spoke up. But after that incident, it was never brought up again. It was like a bad nightmare, and I woke up.

I learned from my grandfather that family always sticks together. So I made it so. I kept her involved with my life. I had a very hard time with relationships, so I basically became a man whore. I was never violent, and never wanted to hurt anyone. Never had sick thoughts about women. So I consider myself somewhat normal, and strong mentally. I was doing fine until I got married.

My wife turned out to be a monster herself. My step-son, her son, was abused by her: physically, mentally, emotionally, but not sexually. Not that. That makes that better. But I was thrown into this world again. It brought out deep hidden memories and strong feelings again. She was in denial about it the whole time. She took her ex for custody and every time she did something, she'd blame it on her ex. She smashed his face into the ground because he would not listen. She looked me straight in the eyes and said she would never do that again. I was stupid and believed her. I'll never do it again happened at least 40 more times.

Meanwhile, we had a son together, which made her anger worse.

Skip some time and a lot of bad things, she is now pregnant with my daughter. Her son's anger is so bad, that he is taking it out on his younger brother. It was so bad, I had to step up with her ex and have them adopt their son with full custody. I was afraid she would kill him when our daughter was born. She started to neglect our son, which did some major damage to him. He stop talking, stop trying, and just started doing what he could to get her attention. Now mind you, I was working when most of this was happening. I placed a hidden video camera, and I put all the pieces together.

She tried getting help, but it fell through. Currently she is pregnant again. She is under Children Youth and Services. She is limited to four hours of alone time. And I cannot work, so I can stay home with the kids. By me not working, I don't have the money to pick up and leave.

We are getting a divorce. I need to get the kids from her. She has been under Children Youth and Services for eight, going on nine months. It hasn't really gotten any better, but due to my wife, and everything that has happened, I'm finally strong enough to seek justice in court for the injustice by my mother, and from my wife I'm getting full custody of my children. Which I am and will continue to get the help they need.

There is a lot I've left out. And this is of course very emotional to do. I've noticed other people have broken down their life stories; I would like to do the same. This would be considered the outer shell. When I put in Part Two it will be more in depth. Thank you for listening to my story.

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.