Child Abuse Story From Angelica1 Part 4

by Angelica
(Phoenix, Arizona, USA)

Problem is that I'm the problem: 
It seems that happiness isn't meant for me. So many times I wonder over and over why it is I exist and how is it I remain?

I don't know what to do of my life...there are so many shattered pieces all ever the place I can't find my way out...I have shared many stories or events in my life but the one I'll talk about today is something that just happened last Friday.

I am an 18-year-old girl, and as one I like to keep myself active doing one thing or the other. I went out with some friends but I was soon left alone with this 27-year-old guy. It began as making out...but then it went all wrong. It didn't feel right to me. I felt so ashamed and dirty it was overwhelming!!!

One thing led to another and this man began to touch me. I had it...all these memories came pouring into my head, the scene with my dad was live again and I was having an emotional fight with myself because something was happening to me. The only problem was I didn't know what was real....

When I finally grabbed a hold of myself, this guy was having sex with me and all I could do was cry. After my abuse I never imagined myself at this spot! I felt betrayed, having no power over myself, but most of all mad at myself! How could I let this happen? To me??? It was an experience I wasn't ready for, an experience that shook my life once more.

Sex is a common thing, right? Yes, and that is what my psychologist said. Why though? I don't want anything to do with this! I have had it. I hold on to the days, hoping one will no longer come...it's this body I hold that I do not want anymore, feeling so filthy. Gosh, I've had it. It was supposed to be a fun night, turned out to be a nightmare once more. Maybe I'm the problem!

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From Angelica1 Part 3

by Angelica
(Phoenix, Arizona, USA)

Just needed her love! Angelica needed her mom! 
I am back yet again. I haven't seen my psychologist in weeks and I will soon move out of my house. My dad and I had an argument that led to a physical fight and that led him to make the best choice so far. I know he is far away and now he won't hurt me or my little sister. He left the house and I am so very happy he won't be in my little sister's life. I am so glad!!!

On occasions before, I have said that I blame my mom for so much. It is the truth, I still do!!! How does a mother not notice her son and husband are abusing her daughter??? Things become so overwhelming in my mind and at times I can't handle it! Never once did I hear an "I love you!" Never once did she show affection towards me!

It was a day when I was about 5 years old. My sister was in high school and she was selling candy for a club she was in. I was very little and I asked my mom to please buy me a piece of candy. What she gave me was something I still have not forgotten now. I guess she was stressed about the way my dad treated her and my continuous asking for the candy took her to the limit. She took her shoe off and hit my leg so hard the bruise remained there for days, a slap followed and the tears fell. All I wanted was a piece of candy.

These are the memories of my childhood and I have shared so many times some experiences, but slowly I recover more and more. I am at a point where these memories are helping find the root of my depression. They show my fears, and God I am scared to live but I know I have to. And I am so unsure of what the future holds for me, but whatever it may be I'll do it not for myself but like Maurice said it is my lovely sister that keeps me with a head held strong. Darlene, when I read your words I began to cry because I knew she was in danger. I assure you, if he comes back I will put him in prison. Judy thank you for your prayer. It has made me feel I'm not alone.

(See Part 2 of Angelica1's story for more about Angelica's story and for comments by Maurice, Judy and Darlene. See also Part 1 and Angelica's healing story on this site.)

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From Angelica1 Part 2

by Angelica
(Phoenix, Arizona, USA)

Recovering years of my childhood...an update to my story: 
My psychologist is trying to help me out. After I had that emotional breakdown, things got a little overwhelming and when I wrote my story here (see Angelica's story of healing and Angelica's story) I thought it would be a form of relief. I am trying to recover memories in a "therapeutic process" to try and analyze where my abuse or trauma began. I will write each memory I recover here, as I can feel it is a safe place and hopefully other readers can feel they are not alone and see that there are many abuses out there. Somehow we have to find a way to talk about our experiences. Expose what hurts us and find a way to heal.

It began that night, I was about five or six and my mom and older sister were working a job during the night due to our financial circumstances. My other older brothers slept at peace in the living room. I had to sleep with my dad because I was scared and I knew that with him I would feel safe, little did I know. I fell sound asleep and I woke up to an unusual feeling. I was in pain and I found that my dad at that given moment was raping me. I was confused and I didn't know what to do. Was there something I could have done???

I remember all the pain inflicted in my little body was killing me. I put on my yellow shorts and I walked to the bathroom with tears in my eyes. In the bathroom I tried to clean myself. I felt like there was something terribly wrong and I didn't know how to work with it. I sat on the bathroom toilet and I cried. I felt so alone, no one could save me now. After about an hour I went to my brother and in his arms I fell sound asleep.

My "father" was not the only abuser. For many years I have kept it a secret, but not anymore. I said before that I had two brothers. One of them, the youngest, found his way to make my trauma even worse. There were days and nights where I had to endure not only the abuse of one but the two.

There are four years of my childhood that I have no memory of. I can't recall birthdays or events. When my brother and dad began to abuse me I was around 6. I remember my 7th year of abuse and some events where my abuse stood out somehow, though I can't remember my 8th, 9th or 10th years. They are still not clear in my mind. I wonder what happened.

It has been difficult to remember this yet I did, just yesterday, and even though it is a harsh memory it is a sense of accomplishment that I am working with my past to make it not hurt anymore. I'm not sure I want to remember anymore but I am trying to close the wounds. Tear by tear, memory after memory I will be here to find comfort.

As for my dad, he is still in my house, and I can't get him out because I am scared if CPS makes it to my house I might lose my 9-year-old sister. I just don't know what to do. I am a working survivor!!!

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Child Abuse Story From Angelica1

by Angelica
(Phoenix, Arizona, USA)

Angelica continues...the story about to end!!! 
The last time I was here I posted a story based on a part of my experiences (see Angelica's story of healing). I am back again. Since I began seeking help, it all became even more overwhelming and I can't ignore at times those thoughts in my head at night!!!

I am so scared and confused in everything in my life! My dad is living with me again, and it's making it so stressful on me!!! I hate him for all those years he touched me till I was sick. I hate him for making me feel like I won't be worth anyone's time! I hate him for making me think I won't ever be able to wear a white dress the day I get married!!!

It is his presence that makes my stomach upset!!! His touch repulses me!!! I am only 18. I don't need this!!! At night when I go to bed I can't sleep without the thought of him. I know that his room is right next to mine and that when he comes in I'll black out just like all those other times!!! My psychologist tries to get through to me but it's hard to let him know all that I feel. Because when all these feelings come up it's that one voice I hate to hear that makes it through. The truth is I am suicidal, and the moment that I am left alone all these thoughts make it through.

I want to live, but the life I have now is not one that I like!!! I feel so alone, so scared. I feel like that 5-year-old. I once was confused in the bathroom after me dad raped me. I feel a great pain and I am so scared that even my dreams show it. I don't know how to heal and I don't know how long I'll be able to bear this! My dad with me again? Sounds like the perfect ending to the story.

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.