Child Abuse Effects Website and Visitor Expectations

by Darlene Barriere - Webmaster
(Kamloops, British Columbia, Canada)


I'm writing today to address an issue brought up by a visitor who submitted a story here on this site some time ago, a visitor who is upset over the lack of particular responses to the story submitted.


It is true that I do not permit judgmental or unsupportive comments on visitors' stories and commentaries. I do this in order to ensure this site remains a safe haven for those who courageously choose to share. This is an important aspect of what I do here; otherwise, there would be risk of re-victimization. I also do not permit comments and submissions that hail the so-called "benefits" of spanking because to do so is to invalidate the very real effects that spanking has had on countless people who have written their stories here. To do so would be allowing a debate on this issue; and I have not set up my site to be a place for debate on what I consider to be inappropriate forms of discipline. If that's what a visitor expects, then they'll have to go elsewhere, because this site is all about validating the effects of abuse.

However, I have NEVER deleted a post from a visitor who directly spoke to a story submitter via the comments, even when that comment dealt with the issue of spanking. To suggest that I might have is a disservice to what I do here.

I have operated this site with integrity since it's inception 7 years ago. When I have deleted a comment on a story, it was because the visitor did not abide by the rules set out on this site, rules that are here for the reasons stated above. When visitors are judgmental, or worse, come right out with a wholly inappropriate comment and tell the story submitter they "deserved" what they got, then of course I'm going to delete that comment. Such inappropriate comments find there way to various pages on this site far more often than some might think, which is why I have the system set up to require my approval before anything goes live.

It is also important to say that I don't control who does and who doesn't comment on particular submissions. Visitors who comment do so because they are compelled to, be it a mother, a father, a foster parent, a caregiver, and no matter their occupation and how that occupation may tie into a visitor's story.

I set up the stories segment of this website in order to provide a safe place for survivors of child abuse to share and be heard, in large part because I understand on a deeply personal level how important it is to be heard. I have tried to comment on each and every post since the day I started accepting stories. Indeed, over the course of years, I've even managed to provide multiple comments for some who have submitted here when I could. I can no longer do that. But this site wasn't set up for the purpose of ongoing support. I am one person with only so much time. If I were to provide ongoing support that so many wish I could provide, it would be the equivalent of a social worker having a case load of some 3500 clients, with more coming on board each and every day.

Healing is a choice, a choice we must all make. As we all walk our own unique healing path, it's important to recognize that some people are just stepping onto their path, others are further along. It must also be understood that a path is anything but straight and flat. There will be hills to climb, there will often be side-stepping and even back-stepping. There will be potholes that will make you stumble and boulders that will test your strength and endurance. Every path is riddled with obstacles. So it is not unusual for a person to fall into a pool of muck and end up stuck in their tracks. What's important when that happens is to look inward for your intestinal fortitude, the same intestinal fortitude that got you through the adversity you endured so long ago, adversity that is no longer happening except in your thoughts. My hope was always that the comments I leave on individual stories, commentaries and articles would be a rope thrown and then grabbed by visitors who find themselves either stuck or somewhat hampered as they try to move forward along their own path. But if that doesn't happen, that's not on me. I've thrown the rope; it's up to each individual visitor to take hold of it.

As always, I send love, light and healing energy to all my visitors.

Sincerely,

Darlene Barriere


From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Comments for Child Abuse Effects Website and Visitor Expectations

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Sep 06, 2012
THE SITE HAS A CONSCIENCE ALL ITS OWN THEY CANT STOP AWARENESS OR CHANGE IT LIE ABOUT THE PURPOSE OF THE SITE
by: Anonymous

SEE THATS WHAT I DO LIKE ABOUT YOUR SITE
EVERYTHING USED TO HAVE A REGULATORY DIVISION NOW
EVERY THING IS DE REGULATED. YET HERE ITS PRIVATE BUT PUBLIC AT THE SAME TIME AND I DO FEEL THATS ITS FOR HEALING LEARNING FROM OTHERS EXPERIENCES WHOEVER IT IS AN HELPS THE PROCESS OF THIS SITE STORIES THEN COMMENTS FOR BOTH PARTIES . THE ISSUE OF DICIMPLINE VS ABUSE I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO ME DISICPLINE IS SELF CONTROL ON BOTH PARENT AND CHILD AND LEARN BY EXAMPLE SADLY NO ONE IS PERFECT. BUT TRUE AND BEING FIRM IS NOT SPANKING , HOW TO BE FIRM WELL I WAS ADVISED THAT YOU BE FIRM BUT FOLLOW UP LATER EXPLAINING WHY WHAT IS WRONG TO A CHILD YET LAZY PEOPLE FIND IT EASIER TO SPANK PHYSICAL IGNORANT PEOPLE THINK DICIPLINE IS SPANKING OK TO ME ITS NOT ITS THE LAZY PARENT AND THE REACTING PARENT NOT TEACHING ANY FORM OF SELF CONTROL AN THAT IS DICIPLINE TO ME AN CONSEQUENCES TEACH MORE TOO CAUSE AND EFFECT , CONTROLING SOMEONE TO POINT OF HITITING THEM I FEEL LATER THE OUTCOME WILL COME OUT IN WAYS DAMAGING. I FEEL A PARENT WHO HITS IS FAKE WANTS TO PUT ON CONTROL AN LATER PAYS MORE IF MISTAKES WERE WHAT WE JUDGE OUR LIFE TO BE OF WHO WE ARE THATS SAD TOO. EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES WHAT ARE THE CONSEQUENCES EVEN A CHILD KNOWS THAT WITH OUT CONTROL OF MISTAKES THEY WILL LEARN IF THEY DONT UNDERSTAND NO ONE TALKS TO THEM WHY TO BE GOOD PERSON HAVE SELF CONTROL THEN WELL HOW CAN THEY SAY ITS DICIPLINE . IS THE HITTING PARENT PERFECT I DOUBT THAT DID THAT PERSON TEACH THE KID WHAT TO DO WHY USE DICIPLINE NORMAL I DOUBT IT , WHY WOULD ANYONE LISTEN TO SOMEONE SO LAZY. AND SOMETIMES THEY HIT BY REACTING A MISTAKE THEY CAN SAY SORRY TOO A PARENT
LOST TEMPER OR OTHER AN THEN MAKE UP FOR THAT MISTAKE ISNT THAT DICIPLINE FOR SELF AN THE KID LEARN YOU HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBITY FOR YOUR ACTION PAY BACK OR CHANGE OR SAY SORRY A CONSCIENCE AND AT LEAST YOUR SITE HAS CONSCIENCE TO ME THATS THE BEGIINING ABUSERS AND HITTERS HAVE NO CONSCIENCE AT ALL NONE.

Sep 06, 2012
commenting
by: My Two Cents

For the original poster:

In the event that you are referring to not getting comments, I'm one of the more frequent commentors on stories in here. The others are anonymous, BMW Princess, Maurice, Elaine Ellis, and Scott1 off the top of my head.

I can't speak for the others, but in my personal case, I will sometimes take a step back for various periods, say one week, one month simply to recharge my batteries. It can be emotionally draining and I believe mentally unhealthy to read about the horrors that some of the posters in here have experienced. I simply need to get away from it all.

There are also stories I won't comment on because I have such strong feelings about them, I would be ranting and raving about the alleged compentency of the social workers and child protective agencies involved. This is not always appropriate to say "out loud" as I wasn't there and don't have access to all of the information the social workers have or don't have. I've been in situations where I have made serious errors and I wouldn't want someone else, who wasn't there, second guessing me.

One issue I struggle with is cases of written diahrrea. I tried using a technique once, where I would write the complete opposite of what I meant first, and then write what I wanted to say....guess what happened? I submitted the wrong one! Thankfully, Darlene caught it and I resubmitted the appropriate one. I decided not to use that technique again.

There is also the issue of trying, trying, trying, trying to write a comment and it just doesn't click. I made probably 8 comments on a story in here, Taylor from USA (Taylor is a male) after trying for more than a year to write those comments. To be honest, I'm still not satisfied with the comments but after a year, I had enough and decided to post them, hoping they would magically "click".

And, this is the selfish part. When I comment, I like to know that someone has "seen" the comments. I find it hard sometimes to keep track of the stories I have commented on, so I don't always know if someone has read my comments, and if they were helpful. There are some people, Scott1 and Mary4 where I was able to refer people to specific resources, and I know they saw the referrals from their replies.

If I had the time and the ability, I would comment on each and every story in here. Each person who posts does deserve to KNOW that someone has heard them, that they're not alone. All I can suggest is that this support can be found in other places such as therapist's office or survivor support groups.

Be well.

My Two Cents.

Sep 07, 2012
Spanking teaches violence
by: Skruff

Many people justify "spanking" which I call assault, on the basis of the biblical passage "spare the rod spoil the child" Hebrew scholars have for a long time been attempting to explain that the Hebrew word for "rod" is also used for "crook" as in shepherd's crook. The crook is a long staff with a hook on the end and is used to lead sheep. No self-respecting shepherd would ever hit a lamb with a crook, for then they would shy away from it when it was used to lead.

My advise to parents is to use your crook wisely, and always lead well.

Sep 08, 2012
Canadian Medical Association vs. spanking
by: My Two Cents

The editor in chief of the Canadian Medical Association journal, John Fletcher has called for Canada to repeal section 43 of the criminal code, which gives parents and teachers a legal defence when they physically discipline children.

Let's see what happens.

Be well.

My Two Cents.

Oct 04, 2012
My opinion
by: BMW Princess

I am shocked that ppl would post that an abuse survior "deserved" what s/he got.
Some kids might be more susceptible to being molested because they don't understand boundries are too eager to please or have low self esteem. That doesn't mean the child deserved to be violated. A child cannot consent to any type of sexual activity. iT is always 110% the adults fault. The adult betrayed the child's trust.

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