Child Abuse - Does It Ever Go Away

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Child Abuse - Does It Ever Go Away

by Elaine Ellis
(Lancashire, UK)

Right, I'm going to admit it straight out. This is not something I'd usually do. But, desperate circumstances need desparate measures...
I've had a bit of a "blip" recently. O.k.! Not really a bit! Not a blip! So, I'm fibbing! It's been a 'mare! A real nightmare! And I'll openly confess that my coping ability has just deserted me. One minute it's fine, and the next... My coping has just completely run out!
I don't know whether it would be fair to say that things have been building up. That my husband and I have had a run of really rotten events over the past few years that, ordinarily, and each on their own, would be difficult to cope with, but not impossible.
2004 (late) - move house to a renovation project; an old Victorian house that hubby and I want to do up.
2005 (mid) - I started getting really nasty symptoms of menstrual and bowel problems. Also under pressure to have children. Not conceiving.
2005 (late) - my mother had the first major Bi-polar relapse in a long series.
2005 (late) - father in law gets cancer back after remission. I'm now under even more pressure to have kids before he gets too ill to enjoy them. Start planning Wedding.
2006 (early) - I change job to work closer to home because I believe that my family need me. This means giving up a job I love.
2006 (late) - father in law dies of cancer after long illness in Hospice. Mother in law distraught. My now husband and I cancel our Wedding because of the death in the family. We loose the deposit already paid. It seems inappropriate. I'm getting bullied at work.
2007 (all) - still getting bullied at work. Mum having more problems. Her relapse turns out to have been caused by the G.P. messing up her medication. Mum then gets diagnosed with chronic Osteo Arthritis.
2008 (late) - I have surgery for my menstrual condition. It does not get better. I'm told I have fertility problems.
2009 (early) - I get the news my Godfather has died of cancer. I am also told my Uncle (father's older brother) has cancer. This disrupts Wedding plans again, as I have just got back in touch with these family members after years, and losing them seems too soon.
2009 (late) - uncle dies of cancer. I learn that my cousin has breast cancer. She is only the same age as me, poor thing. The Wedding goes ahead this time as everyone feels the family need it. Also, my husband and I choose not to have Wedding presents, but make donations to charity instead, as do our guests. The charities are the RSPCA, Mind (Mental Illness) and Macmillan Cancer Fund. On the day of my Wedding, I am seriously ill with a chest infection and on my second course of Antibiotics.
2010 (early) - make decision to go back to University. I've wanted to continue my Postgraduate study for ages, but it's never been the right time. I can no longer stand the bullying at work, and I really NEED something for me. I want so desperately to go back to University as I really feel my confidence needs a boost. I also commence Tribunal proceedings against my ex boss for bullying and disability discrimination.
2010 (late) - mum has surgery to replace her right knee joint as her Arthritis is so bad. My own symptoms are getting much worse, and I'm told I'll need surgery, too.
2011 (early) - I have surgery, and miss all my exams at University. I am diagnosed with Endometriosis and adhesions (damage!) to my bladder and bowel. I am told my uterus is also abnormal.

Darlene, I have to admit, this looks on paper like a catalogue of disasters. I think I've managed by pretending it's not happened. I'm crying typing this. I can't believe everything that HAS happened. My life feels like it's changed so much. It feels out of control.
And that's how I end up here. I wonder if this is why all the bad memories and feelings have come flooding back. I have the same old feelings of being "bad" and "worthless". Like I'm some sort of "disaster area" that deserves bad things happening. Like I attract them! I feel that I have no other way of explaining to myself why else things have happened in the way that they have recently. My head keeps telling me that I MUST have done something to cause it.
I'm wondering if these feelings were always there in the back of my mind, but that because things seemed to be going well for a while, I was able to suppress them. Is this what happens when you've been abused? When something really gets to you it all comes flooding back? Like it never really goes away?
I've never felt so lost. Like I've lost an identity I've spent so long, and worked so hard to piece together. A person I finally liked. She's gone again. And in the place is just someone so empty I cannot even begin to describe her. And the emptiness just wants to fill itself up with all sorts of negative thoughts. Like it has a mind of its own.
If this is "depression", then I can sure tell you what it feels like to be inside it. I feel like when I needed it most, my body has let me down. It has failed. I have failed as a woman. I'm NOT a woman. Just "half" a woman. Why does my husband want a wife who cannot have children? Who has bowel problems? I feel ugly and dirty and untouchable.
I know these feelings so well. They are like old familiars. They almost feel comfortable, I've worn them so often before. Right now, I feel like the person I'd become after leaving home was a "fake". That the "real me" is the rubbish me. The one who gets hurt, and punished, and works hard for nothing. Everybody's punchbag and lackey. Is that REALLY me?
I feel confused. I want to fight this. I worked hard to be happy. Worked hard for what I have. I thought I'd left the hurt behind. I don't know HOW I get through this. I think I know why I feel this way. Why it's happening now; but I cannot seem to stop it.
Could somebody maybe help me pick my way through this, and make sense of things? This website has really helped me in the past. Helped me be happy as me. Helped me open up, and accept change. I could really do with a bit of help to put this to rest.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach

Note from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse - Does It Ever Go Away

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Sep 17, 2011
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Elaine:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I'm going to pass along some knowledge that some might believe is on the fringe, but that science— quantum mechanics, in fact—has proven. I ask that you keep an open mind. Consider the very real possibility that life happens in patterns, cycles if you will, just as it does in nature. Not so much the full blown events as much as the conditions for those repeated events to take place. That those conditions revisit us in escalated forms at intervals throughout our lives until we choose a different outcome for ourselves. And the intervals will decrease, creating more and more opportunities for healing all within a shorter span of time. Look at your catalog of events. See them for what they are: an opportunity to heal. Choose to look at what's happening differently, then you choose a different outcome. If you believe you are being victimized, you will be victimized. But if you choose to believe that your mind is telling you that you're ready for healing, then the pattern automatically changes. Elaine, how you respond is the answer to where you end up. Positive affirmations are good, but the Universe speaks the language of emotion. Take in everything I've written here, and then compare it to what you've written. Don't evaluate your life; embrace it as an opportunity for your Self to grow and heal. You can't change how you feel, but when you change how you think you automatically change how you feel, which automatically changes how you act. You are a participator in the Universe, meaning you get to create your experience, and as a result, experience what you create. This knowledge is lost to many, but as we regain this knowledge as a human species, we can and will lead lives that are rich and fulfilling, lives that enrich our Selves. Open your heart to the healing your life is bringing to you, Elaine. You ARE strong, stronger than you give yourself credit for. I see it, others see it. The experiences you're living CAN have purpose, but you must choose for them to BE purposeful. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Sep 18, 2011
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Don't quit: Don't give up on yourself: Be a winner
by: maurice

Elaine: I am amazing: The Architect of my own destiny: The Mystery of life. The mystery of all that has has happened to you and your family in lif: I want to be strong: I want to be happy: Well, NOW Elaine: Let today be the new beginnings you wish and hope for: Darlene's has one very loving, kind, understanding, supporting, encourageing gentle, sensitive but empathetic WOMAN'S Heart: Read her comment, even down-load it and spend time understanding all she has said to your heart in it: It will take time it's deep and makes a great accepting of all you wrote with tears from your heart: Her site is the place to move forward from in your life: You want to: That is your Goal to aim at; I want to: Firstly then put thinking positive at the forefront of your actions: Let go of those people who have put you down, bullied you, abused you, I am certain in your family. You have siblings who will LOve you, hug you, help you move on in your life: Your health is your main concern so look after that: Have a healthy mind in a healthy body, no I am not making a joke: Aim for this Elaine: I WILL: I CAN: I MUST BECAUSE I AM WORTH IT; You must mix with people who value and appreciate you for the beautiful and wonderful woman/person you are in their lives: If there are ways for you to challenge unfair treatment or bullying in your work place use them against those who are making your life miserable: Have a friend or two who will stand by you: Help you: feel good about that way forward to be with you: Be gentle and kind with yourself: Hi hug and cuddle love into your beautiful body, look at the me looking out at you from the mirror, talk nicely to that me: I am amazing, beautiful, courageous, dynamic, enthuatic, lovable, valueable, optimistic, Understand all these and think positive, act positive, be positive in all you do and say about yourself: I will: I can: etc etc Elaine: ALWAYS BELIEVE IN YOURSELF: He, elaine, don't forget carry Darlene's comment in that mixed up bag of yours, she sure has offered you a way forward: some form of counselling may be a great positove thought to work on:

Sep 23, 2011
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Darlene - a big thanks...
by: Elaine Ellis

Thankyou Darlene for your response. It completely makes sense. I've come back to read through it quite a few times now, and each time I do re-read it, a little bit more sinks in.
You're right to say I can choose how things go from now on. Once I'd taken that on board, I realised that I'd allowed myself to get sidetracked. It dawned on me that what I'm feeling now is NOT the same as what I felt after the abuse, and that I am not reacting in the same way at all. By believing that things WERE all the same, I'd made a link that did not necessarily exist, and did not have to exist.
I felt sad and upset quite simply because I'd experienced losses - deaths of close family members - and it was natural for me to experience pain at this. Once I accepted this fact, I also accepted that it was in no way the "same old pain" that I had experienced due to abuse.
I've been through a few upheavals in the past few years. Things such as moving house, being dignosed with Endometriosis (a long term, debilitating health condition), bereavement... These are ALL thngs that ANYONE would find stressful. And I need to recognise that fact. Not criticise myself for "not coping", or "being weak", or whatever other silly thing I have said to myself to convince myself that I am still that same "victim" who was abused. That's WRONG.
Thanks for talking sense. I stopped being a victim when the abuse stopped. But I needed to recognise and accept this fact. I only become a victim again whenever I allow myself to believe that is who I am.
I need instead to accept that I am now a grown woman, with a range of emotions, some positive, some negative. I need to accept that grief is a natural emotion following loss; and accept that it is perfectly natural to experience the full range of emotions in response to a range of different circumstances. I need to accept that this is pretty much what anyone else might experience, too.
I'm O.K. with that. You see, once that sank in, I could draw a line between recent unfortunate events, and the past abuse. That is what I have experienced - unfortunate events. NOT a re-run of everything terrible that ever happened to me.
So. Fine. I have reacted. I have grieved. And it was appropriate. I have coped with moving house. I have coped with loss. I can cope with my Endometriosis (now I have some very supportive specialists on board!). Heck! I've moved on!
Funny how you forget that sometimes!!
Guess it was just a "blip", after all!

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Child Abuse - Does It Ever Go Away

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Child Abuse - Does It Ever Go Away