Back After A "Blip"

by Elaine Ellis
(Lancshire, UK)

Hello Darlene... Hi everyone...
Seems like ages since I last contributed anything to this site...

Truth be told... it IS ages!

I could really do to update some of my personal details, it's been that LONG. A break of over 2 years, if I'm correct!

Well, I've now reached the big four o (40, to be precise!). Not nice, but could be worse. Most of my bits are still pretty close to where they should be. I tend to subscribe to the theory that everything starts to go south when you hit 30, so some slippage is to be expected!

Got married end of 2009 - I've been with the poor guy since 1995, so it was long overdue. Friends and family I think had given up hope. Still...

It was a nice wedding, all things considered. I say that for a reason. I guess everyone who gets married is biased in that they believe that THEIR OWN wedding was the best ever. Mine, I admit, wasn't quite like that...

On the day, I had a serious chest infection. I was so dosed-up on Antibiotics that I never really got the chance to experience pre-wedding jitters! How I managed the rest of the day, I'll never truly know. Several glasses of "bubbly" and grim determination, I think!

And that, i.e. GRIM DETERMINATION, has been pretty much the story of my life these last couple of years. It's been one of those phases where anything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. Husband's dad died end of 2006, and following that, came one catastrophe after another.

My own mother has had some serious health problems, which began around 2007, when she had a major relapse (she has Bi-Polar Disorder). There seems to have been a mix-up over her medication, and she stopped taking her tablets. What followed was a nightmare, so I'll say no more. Mercifully for her, she managed to avoid hospitalisation under the Mental Health Act - though I'm still not sure how. A good old family feud ensued, as my father had failed to spot any signs of mum's deterioration until the very last minute. He remains "in denial" concerning her illness to this day, and refuses to be educated about her medication and side-effects, or her relapse indicators. Good old "dad" prefers to stick his head firmly in the sand! This is where I usually come in, as mum tends to offload all her baggage on me. Nine times out of ten, she'll have told me something completely different concerning her health, as opposed to what she's told my father. I've simply come to view manipulation as one of the symptoms of her mental illness...

Still, it's not been quite so easy for her recently. Sadly, she was diagnosed with chronic Rheumatoid Arthritis, following a fall at the end of 2007. She has been in constant pain since, and her mobility has deteriorated. Mid 2009, she underwent surgery to replace her left knee-joint with an artificial one. She is currently awaiting similar surgery on her right knee. This has had a significant effect upon family matters, as my father has had to do so much more for my mum, and this has made him face up to the fact that she IS unwell, both physically and mentally. I've helped out as much as I can, with household chores and the like, but it's been great to see, for the first time that I can ever remember, my father doing something caring for someone other than himself.

2009 was a dreadful year. Not only did it coincide with a deterioration in mum's overall wellbeing, but I also lost my Uncle, and my Godfather (also my Uncle by marriage) to cancer. This was very painful, as I had not seen either of them for a long while, and missed them terribly. (Family dynamics have caused a lot of trouble in my past, and as a consequence my parents had severed contact with many relatives). Furthermore, the loss of my Uncle was a shock, in that firstly he had looked so healthy and the cancer spread so fast; and secondly, it was made clear to me that this was the Uncle that I had been fostered with when little. It took AGES for everything to sink in. I was in so much shock, I didn't even attend the funerals.

So, in 2009, I lost 2 potential father-figures. That really got me thinking, as my relationship with my own father is not the best. Probably due to grief, I dwelt on the matter a huge amount - to a point where it maybe wasn't healthy... And, besides, mum became so very talkative following her Bi-Polar relapses (there were another 2 or 3 minor ones following the first, in 2007). She seemed to want to give me her whole life story, but in record time, and offering me no control over how she passed the information on. I felt bombarded! I've ALWAYS been aware of family problems, and secrets, and feuds... But to be told so much about them in so short a space of time was overwhelming...

Yes, 2009 was a dreadful year. By early 2009 I was already struggling, anyway. My own health problems were a significant issue, in that they had become progressively worse. I'd had surgery in 2008 to address both bowel, and menstrual, problems. I'd also had hormone treatment, and been fitted with a Mirena Coil in the hope of controlling some of my symptoms. Nothing had worked. From about 2005 onwards, I'd suffered from repeated ear, nose, throat and chest infections. I was also Anaemic, and had very heavy and painful periods. Worse still, I had the symptoms of what was thought to be Irritable Bowel Syndrome (say no more!), and chronic fatigue. I FELT ILL. REALLY ILL! Some days I struggled to get out of bed, as I would feel dizzy, nauseous and achy. During my monthly period I often fainted. My bowel problems crippled my social life. Add to this, the stress of everything mentioned above... I had what I can only term a "stress burnout". I must have been off work for months.

The end of 2009 was a turning point. My employers had not been at all sympathetic or supportive. It was as though they felt that, as a Social Worker, I was only there to sort out other people's problems... SO HOW DARE I HAVE MY OWN! I parted company with Social Services in December 2009, having decided to return to student life.

So, I'm now back at University, studying Postgraduate Psychology. I'M LOVING IT! Initially, I had a few nerves about returning to study so long after the last time (I'd been a Social Worker for over 7 years). I was also worried about being such a "mature" student. Going back to University at 39 was weird... but good. I think it's positively healthy to reinvent yourself every now and again. Besides, I'd been through such a terrible time, I needed something special. This was my incentive, my push, my goal. It felt again like things made sense. I was back doing something I liked, and could finally begin to process everything that had happened to me, in my own good time. Also, I think I wanted to prove to myself that I was still capable, still worthwhile, despite all that I'd been through. I'd started to believe that everything around me was somehow tainted - that EVERYTHING was bound always to go wrong. I'd grown to EXPECT it! Returning to my studies, I could challenge this negative perception of the world. Challenge myself. I could kick the old brain cells back into action. I could achieve... I WANT TO achieve. I've decided on an action plan of sorts...

It goes like this:
1. Get good grades so I can register with the British Psychological Society
2. Qualify as either a Clinical, or a Forensic, Psychologist
3. Get a job I enjoy
4. Come to terms with the bad things that have happened, and move on
5. Accept the relationships I have with friends and family (and accept that I cannot change some of them)
6. Have fun and be happy - enjoy my home, my hobbies, my husband and our cats
7. Learn to like (or even love) myself a little more each day

There were others, but I rejected them as self-defeating. Why set a target that you can never achieve? After all, lose weight and have a body like Angelina Jolie is a little unrealistic for someone my age. (And besides, I bet even Angelina resorts to Botox and Lipo when she hits 40!).

So, in a nutshell, I'm back! A little bruised, a little battered, but perhaps better for it. It's all in the perspective! At the end of the day, I've learned a lot recently... I'm lucky. I have a husband who supports me. A good man, someone I can turn to for affection, and good old commonsense advice. I have six adorable cats. My house is comfortable, and reflects my furnishing taste. I've rediscovered some old hobbies - painting and writing poetry; and developed some new - D.I.Y. (don't ask!). O.k. so my family have had some problems. Don't they all? My face is o.k. and my body still works (most of the time). It's a start. It's not all bad, is it?

And I'm in charge of my own destiny. I either pass this course, or fail. And that's up to me. I know that if I work hard, it should fall into place. So... watch this space...

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Note from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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