Child Abuse Story From Mayday Maggie

by Maggie
(Virginia, USA)

I was six years old when my babysitter's fifteen year old son, T--, began molesting me and my little sister. He fondled me, tried to penetrate me and forced me to do oral sex on him. Two years later, my sister and I told someone what was happening. Our single mother believed us at first. But, then the babysitter, R--, who was an intimidating woman, convinced her that we made it all up. We were taken back to her the next day and she remained our babysitter for 5 more years. She punished us for what we said. T-- joined the Navy when he was 18 and died in a freak shooting accident less than a year later. R-- became an alcholic and finally beat my sister and I with a belt. That finally convinced Mom to find someone else.

I dealt with it by getting a lot of counseling. But, my sister lived in denial and buried it all. I believe that is the reason that she later became seriously mentally ill. She has Schitzo-affective disorder, a combination of Bi Polar I and Schitzophrenia.

Then, when I was fifteen, I met a 38 year old Music Publisher. He promised to make me a star!! (I am a songwriter, singer and play guitar) For three years I had a sexual affair with this man, until one night my sister and I spent the night at his house and he assaulted her. She woke up to him putting his fingers inside of her. She was sixteen at the time. This man was also a school teacher!! I didn't understand then what was really going on. Only now do I realize there is something seriously wrong with a 38 year old man having sex with a fifteen year old girl!! If I could put him in jail for it now, I would. But the statute of limitations has long run out. So, the only justice I feel like I can get now is to tell my story.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Sarah

by Sarah
(Location Undisclosed)

Looking back, I remember the day my mum told me that my dad wasn't my dad. I was gob smacked. But I was 7 years old, so I didn't take it in that much really. I remember a few months after that, my step brother started to touch me, he told me it was "our little secret" and that I wasnt to tell anyone about it, or else he would kill me. Then shortly after that, he raped me. As I was pinned down to the floor, by the side of my bed, I felt the horrible pain throughout my body, I lay there in pure shock, scared for my life, crying. He then started speaking in a really smug, sweet voice and said 'that was good wasn't it? But dont tell anyone, its our little secret remember?' This happened every weekend for about a month after that, every time he visited.

He then started touching my niece (the same age as me) and he would make us do things to him, and to eachother. He made us write notes to eachother asking eachother to do things. one note we wrote was 'to **** will you suck ***'s willy?' - He spelt out what we were to write, then made us card board post boxes to post them into. - a little game I guess. anyway - my mum found this note, she found out he had been touching us - but I realised I was the only one he had raped, he hadnt done that to my niece. I was too scared to tell them about that, so I just left it at touching. He was stopped from coming to visit and he later admitted it to his dad (my ex-step dad) that he did touch us. - nothing was done.

When I was 14, I began self harming. I hadn't truely dealt with the issues of my past and I was finding it hard. So I ended up telling my brother (we were really close - he was a lot older) he then told me I had to tell my mum about the rape, she would be able to help me - I didnt know what was in store though. I told my mum about a week later and I in turn found out, she had been raped from the age of 4-14. by her grandfather. She supported me throughout this and she advised me its best not to report it to the police - I'm not sure why. (he later admitted the rape to his Dad too!)

About 2-3 months after telling my mum about the rape I met my biological father, for the first time ever - he had left her pregnant. things were great for the first two weeks ... then he raped me! I was under the control of a rapist/child abuser once again. He threatened me and told me it was our little secret - the same as the last one! He told me he loved me, he had fallen in love with me the first time he met me, he didnt intend on falling for me, he'd never felt this way before, he wanted to run away with me and marry me. He made me pretend (almost like role play) day after day that I wanted all of this. I didnt! I hated him and everything he was doing. He had a wife and two younger daughters (7and 8 years old).

2months after meeting him for the first time, he forced me to run away from mine and my mums home (10 miles from where he lived) and travel alone to his house and beg his wife to let me stay - making out it was all my idea. I was so scared, so I did it. She agreed. After I had begged my mum (under his instruction) to let me stay with him, I was allowed to live with him. He made me drop out of high school (I was in year 10) and for 3 months every day when we dropped his daughters off at school, his wife left for work, he had me all to himself. All day, 5 days a week. He raped me multiple times every day. on weekends he was restricted to just at night times when everyone was asleep. After 3 months I got into a school near where he lived. I loved that school. Its the best thing to have come out of all of the abuse I suffered. I met the two greatest friends ever - who I am still extremely good friends with now! I didnt do all that well in my exams, because of the school I missed out on and the emotional trauma caused by the abuse, but I got 11 GCSE's. Just not the grades I'd hoped for.

I lived with him for almost 12 months, then I ran away, I travelled those 10 miles, all alone at 8am, when I had left for school I had packed some clothes into my bag and I changed into them, out of my uniform in a little alley way (so the police didn't stop me for truenting) then I walked 30 minutes to the bus station then caught 2 buses back to my mums house. When I turned up she was thrilled to see me home safe, but kept asking why I'd come back home now. She knew something wasnt right, but I couldnt find the strength to tell her, so I just said I realised this is where I belong.

2 weeks later, I was under the thumb again, my 'father' made me keep the secret for even longer, he made me visit him every weekend, so for 3 days a week he had me to use and abuse. I was still travelling to my school (6 buses a day - leaving the house at 6.30-7am arriving home around 6pm) it was my final year and I couldnt afford to lose more school, so I decided to stick it out. I never missed a day, I was dedicated and I made it to school on time every day. even when we had drama rehearsals I never got home until 9pm, but I did it! I am glad I did.

All in all this abuse went on for 3 years. When I was 17 I finally told my mum. I had told my best friend (from school) and for 6 months she pestered me to tell my mum, but I couldnt, but one night, I just did. The next day she reported it to the police for me. I spent almost two years going through police interviews, statements, examinations, STI tests. While he was out on bail and I wasn't allowed to have any proper counselling incase I contaminated the evidence, then the court case came - 2 week long trial came to an end with the verdict - not guilty.

Now I am left with my past hanging over my head, while my so called father is let to walk free, no charge. His wife still allows him to see his daughters and has them staying over his house - I however am not allowed to see my sisters - she is easily manipulated, I know deep down she believes me. she questioned things before, said they looked suspicious. No one should ever have to go through abuse in any form, but I dont intend on letting it beat me, I will fight until the end! He will not rule my life any more. I hope others can adopt the same attitude.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Jackie

by Jackie
(Texas, USA)

i grow up in a disfuntional family where my mom had and still has depression. am the secound child born out of six kids at the age of 17 i was born i which my dad rape my mom but some how they still contiued to date tell she found out he had a wife then they was over. growning up. my mom was so messed up and being 25 with six kids now she was didnt wont us to call her mom so we didnt.i never got hugs or kisses i felt completely alone becouse of my moms depression and she hated my dad she always act like i didnt matter.i had to takecare of my self at a young age and help with my little sister.at 16 my mom push me in to dateing this older guy who was 19 or20 years old and he raped me that day i went to the movies with him right after that i broke up with him which my mom had some to say about it. but later on i got wild but one night this guy i been talking to drop me off after a date and left two guy from next door followed me and took me pick me up covered my mouth while other guys came in 2s two hours later theirs seven one my one cusin held me downn for hours then throw my close on top of the roof i cried in pain as the laughed then they left.my mom was at work at the time but older sister heard the commosion and did nothing.i called the police the next day. my mom heard about it and never said a word to me about it nor even a hug.am 34 years old now to this day am angry all the time am not happy and i still go through people saying hurt full things from their familys. an now its affecting my family. i know i still need help and dont know how to get it .I know if i dint have my daugher i would have killed my self years ago.when my daughter reach 20 am going to make sure she good then stop my pain for good.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Stephen

by Stephen
(Location Undisclosed)

My real dad left almost immediately after I was born and my family did what they could to try and fill the void. But everything they did just didn't seem to matter. Even so I was content with my start to in life and things didn't change until I started elementary school. Kids bullied me physically and emotionally because I was rather small during those years. I got into fights daily and was in detention most of the days of the week. Suspensions were common too. However the facility's long term solution was to confine me to the principal's office during lunch and recess, this seemed to lead to emotional isolation. My only contact with other kids was at an on campus after school program. In this program kids were often assigned to assist the faculty with small projects or the custodians with tidying up the school. On one of these days I was assigned to help a janitor clean a bathroom, during the 'job' I got splashed with a lot of water and he said I could take my clothes off so they'd dry faster. Foolishly I agreed, I didn't see him as a threat. Apparently he noticed me shivering or something because of the cold so he hugged me, rubbing me all over. I remember him saying how cute I looked . Afterwards he gave me a handful of candy and promised that the embarrassing situation would stay secret. I never saw anything wrong with any of that, shows how smart I was. He seemed to really care. Days passed and I worked with the janitor every other day playing more 'games' like the first one. Mostly just taking my clothes off and letting him touch me, he even encouraged my curiosity by making me touch him. Sometimes he even took pictures of the 'fun times'. It felt so good because he was always gentle, and it didn't help that I was so trusting to any male figure who showed me affection. After about two or three weeks of this he wanted to try something new. He brought two girls my age (6) into an empty classroom with us. For personal reasons I won't give real names I'll call them Rachel and Carie. The janitor instructed us to undress and from the similar reactions, I'd never seen a girl naked and they'd never seen a boy. We were then given a introduction into the physical difference of the genders while being encouraged to touch each other, all the while the janitor was taking pictures with a Polaroid camera and possibly a video camera. We were shown all the ways we could prove we loved him. All three of us gave him oral sex about every other day and we played with each other and ourselves so he could watch. I considered the girls sisters because we were like family. We obeyed our abuser's desire even when he taught us our next 'lesson'. He made me have sex with both girls even when they wanted to stop because they said it hurt. He said it would get better after a little while. When we did as we were told we were rewarded in addition to the bribes of candies and constant praise. But when we didn't we got punished, he had a thing for spanking and sodomizing us. Out of everything he did that hurt the most. We did whatever we could to make him love us more until we were having sex several times a week, sometimes he'd even join in. This went on for almost three years for me until I got expelled for threatening school faculty, but later regretted it because I'd left my only friends. After leaving that nightmare of a school I buried my emotions deep because feeling nothing was better then the guilt and shame. I got into fights just to feel something and to be able to hurt myself and others. To me this was the only way to feel, I started drinking when I was fifteen , but later stopped when it didn't really do anything. I'd also cut myself took scalding showers burning my skin and a variety of other means of self torture. Constantly shifting between anger and depression for years made me want to torture my abuser to death for betraying my trust and making me hurt the only people I'd ever loved. I even felt suicidal because I believed I didn't deserve to live. I still deal with nightmares every night. Now I'm nineteen and I have no false confidence that police will find my abuser but it would be comforting to know he couldn't hurt any more kids. I'm in counseling to help with my painful past.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Natalie

by Natalie
(Canada)

"I’m daddy’s little girl. He and I play games together, go for bike rides, watch movies together, he even helps me with my homework. Everyone wishes they had a relationship with their father like I have with mine. We are so close, I know for a fact, he would never do anything to hurt me. NEVER."

Wow... if only I wish I could say that’s true. If only I wish I could tell people that without lying. Truth time: I’m 16 years old and I was abused.

The earliest memory that I can remember happened when I was four years old. Every Wednesday my mom has her workout class which was 40 minutes away from home. That meant every Wednesday night, from 6-9pm, my father and I were the only two home. He was watching tv that night with a beer in his hand; most likely the fourth by that hour. Just like any 4 year old would do, I went over to him and asked if he would like to join my tea party. His response was “No, go away.” Me being my whiney self, did not want to take no for an answer. I climbed up on top of him to really get his attention and before a single word came out of my mouth I was on the floor in seconds. Did I fall? Did I lose my balance? Did I jump off? No. I was thrown. My father picked me up with pure anger in his eyes and threw me to the floor. I lay there for about 20 seconds shocked and totally unaware of what just happened. He then put his right foot on my neck so I was unable to get up. Struggling to breathe, he knelt down and whispered in an unforgettable, disturbing voice “This never happened.” After I caught my breath back, I ran to my room and went to bed early. All I wanted was for him to join my tea party...

As years went by, the incident was not mentioned again, although I never forgot about it. There were occasional slaps across the face, choking and yelling, but the next memorable abuse was when I was eight years old. Again, it was a Wednesday night, which meant mom wasn’t home, and I became very vulnerable. Ever since the abuse when I was four, I learned to keep my distance from my father when my mom wasn’t home, and I did just that. This night was different though. He had more to drink than usual, and I knew that couldn’t be a good sign, but I stayed in my room because that’s where I thought I was most safe. Quiet. I listened to hear where he was in the house and what he was doing. It was dead silent. I saw a shadow under the crack of my door. He was outside my room. He was pacing back and forth, mumbling things I could not decipher. I could feel my heart beating faster, and I knew at that point, something was going to happen, and I didn’t know what to do. My door slowly started to open. I can still hear the creaking of the door in my head today. Thinking on my feet, I thought the best idea would be to pretend I was asleep. My heart was getting faster and faster. He poked his head in the door and said “I know you’re awake. I’ve come to join the tea party that I missed.” I was afraid and still pretended to be asleep. He walked over to my bed and brought his head down close to mine. I could smell the booze. It was strong. He put his hand on my heart and asked “Your heart, it’s beating so fast. Are you scared?” he ripped the sheets off my bed and before I even had a chance to run, he was on top of me. 60 pounds vs 200. You do the math. Hoping someone would hear me or hoping my mom might come home early I was screaming and defending myself, but kicking and swinging my arms got me nowhere. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a hunting knife. My father doesn’t hunt. He brought the blade close to my neck and threatened that if I didn’t shut up and stop moving, he would kill me. The next seven words that came out of his mouth are scarred in my brain forever. “It will only take a few minutes.” I was sexually abused when I was eight years old.

By the age of 12, my mother and father got a divorce. Not because I told her what happened, but because he was an alcoholic. I never told anyone what happened to me. I was ashamed, insecure, selfless and I thought it was my fault. I lived the next four years of my life not saying a world. Everything that happened to me was bottled up inside of me until about five months ago, when I couldn’t keep it a secret anymore. I told my mom, and the next thing I know it, my father was arrested. He’s in jail... where he belongs. I can only wonder who else he has beaten and violated in the four years where he was out of my life. If only I had told sooner...




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Hayley

by Hayley
(California, USA)

I guess this is considered abuse, it may not be physical or sexual but i believe it is emotional. It started when I was younger. Since I can remember my father has always needed to be in control. He would get in these yelling fights with my mother and would often leave and say he would not be returning and would be back within an hour or two. He has always talked down to me in some way. He is always right. He will ask my opinion and put me down for having the wrong one. He will talk down to my mother blaming her for things like allergies and stupid things that my mother cannot control. And I would confront him about it and he would say he hates me and never wants to see me again. I remember times when I was younger when he would throw things at me like silverware. I remember this time when i was probably 12 when my mother went back east to take care of her father who had dementia, i slept with my father that night in the same bed because i hated sleeping alone when my mom wasn't home. I woke up and barely opened my eyes and saw he was watching porn while i was sleeping right next to him. I never told anyone that. He still constantly talks down to me like I should know things that I don't. He is always angry or in pain. There is something always wrong. And it's kind of weird whenever he asks me a question and doesn't like my answer or criticises what i do I start to cry. Every time he even raises his voice at me or looks at me like I'm the dumbest person in the world that he can't believe I have an opinion I cry. Im 21 years old, and sadly i still live at home. Im a full time student, so i have trouble having a full time job. I have a boyfriend who I've known for about 2 years. We started dating about 6 months ago. We get along amazingly. But about 3 weeks ago we were camping and he started talking down to me the same way my father does. He will tell me to do something and be angry that I haven't already done it, like I should have known to cook something the right way or cut something the right way. I talked to my boyfriend about it, but I got kind of hysterical because it brought up this hate i have always had for my father, and how that completely brought me back to how my father treats me. My mother is extremely passive to my father and that really bothers me. My father cheated about 2 years ago and blamed my mother and I the entire time that we drove him to it. He told us he was seeing something else and how it wasn't his fault. My mother ended up getting back with him after the way he treated her and I still have trouble understanding. So I resent him a lot for that. I'm just scared that now that I am in a serious relationship with someone I can see myself marrying that my "father issues" will affect the way I have a relationship with my boyfriend. I don't know I just feel so lost. I try to talk to my mom but she ignores the situation completely. Ive talked to my father after one of my outbursts and he says he understands/kind of, but then does it again the next week. It just frightens me how I cry so quickly when my father gives me a weird look or talks down to me.. Im scared of becoming my sad mother, or marrying someone similar to my father. I don't know how to go about healing my emotional problems.:/ thanks for listening




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Christine

by Christine
(Location Undisclosed)

From when I could remember I've been sexually abused by my step grandfather and my father. In the summer going into 6th grade my great grandmothers aid walked in and saw wat was going on. I was relieved. He would threaten me and watched everything I did. I was horrified. My parents got divorced when I was in 5th grade but my father got visitation when I was in 7th. I didn't wanna see him I didn't want him to come back and the memories haunted me. I started to cut myself. I felt that it was my fault and I needed to be punished. Also it was a way to make me cry bc I couldn't feel anymore. I would do that just to know I'm alive. My friends found out and told the guidance counselor who told my mom and then I told her what he had done and everything. We went to court and I don't ever have to see him again. I'm only 15 but I can't trust anyone I always think someone is out to get me or something. I can't look at guys the same I use them almost how they used me.  But that's not the problem. I constantly feel down and like nobody understands. I have to act like I'm happy all the time so people don't ask what's wrong because they just won't get it. I wanna be happy and like I have really bad anxiety all the time. And I wake up from night mares. I just wanna know what's wrong with me. It's probably my fault like everything else is. I don't think I'll ever be happy. I don't remember the feeling and I wanna be done pretending for everyone and acting strong when I'm weak. And sometimes I just wanna crawl in a hole and die because I feel like nothing is worth it because we are all going to die in the end. I just want to be better. 




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Natacha

by Natacha
(Ohio, USA)

When I was five years old, my uncle who was ten years older than me, started molesting me. It went on for quite some time and he even threatened to kill my family if I told. I told him I didn't like what he was doing and that it hurt. But he never listened to me and so eventually I just quit saying anything altogether. He had me do things that a five year old shouldn't know how to do sexually. Later on, my grandmother happened to realize that I kept getting rashes and I had discharge in my undergarments. She told my mother that it wasn't normal for a five year old to have discharge like that. Therefore, my grandmother started questioning me. When I wouldn't tell her anything and just cried, she knew something was wrong. She told me that she would protect me but she needed to know what was going on. I eventually told her what my uncle had been doing. And she became so furious with how my mother hadn't paid attention to what was happening. My mother happened to call my grandmother one day that she was babysitting me to let my grandmother know to get me ready to go to my other grandparents house where my uncle lived. My grandmother refused to let me leave. She told my mother that she needed to talk to me and that she needed to comfort me. My mother had no idea why my grandmother was acting the way she was. She asked her to put me on the telephone to ask me what was going on. That's when I had the courage to tell my mother that I would not be going to my other grandparents house where my uncle was. I told her that he was hurting me in bad ways and that he was touching me in my private parts. I then handed the telephone back to my grandmother, and she talked to my mother for sometime. After my grandmother got off of the phone with my mom, she just held me tightly and wouldn't let go. I knew from then on that I would be safe from harm and that my uncle would no longer be able to touch me and hurt me. But the only problem was that his family didn't believe me. His parents were my grandparents, and his brother was my father. My grandmother called me a liar and I was only saying these things because I was jealous. Even my own father didn't believe me. However, we eventually took him to court and he was sentenced to 3 years in Juvenile Detention. He also had to be registered as a sex offender. He also wrote me a letter telling me he was sorry for what he had done. The court system sent me to counseling to talk about what had happened. But I never felt comfortable talking about it. I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I knew my childhood had been taken away from me and I could do nothing about it. They asked me all kinds of questions like what he done to me and everything. What they didn't realize is how those questions affected me. They caused me to have nightmares and issues trusting people. About six months later the judicial system screwed up. They ended up letting my uncle out of Juvenile Detention on "good behavior". My world was shattered. How could they do this to me? I was told he was going to be gone for a long time and after six months he would be coming back home. I didn't know what to do. I was terrified that he was going to come back and kill me and my family. I hated myself for telling because my dad's family no longer wanted anything to do with me. They treated me like an outsider and were disgusted by me. That truly hurt me. How I was being treated along with what my uncle had done to me truly scarred me for life. I am now 18 years old and I still have issues today. I have pretty much blocked out a lot of things that happened to me. There are moments when I have flashbacks and nightmares. What he done to me truly caused me to have self image problems and mood disorders. But my morals have stayed the same. I was taught to not have sex before marriage and I still hold that dearly to me. Even though I know that technically my virginity was taken from me as a young child. I have never been to a gynecologist and it terrifies me to no end about going to one. I have very bad trust issues and I have no idea how they are going to be repaired. I know I will eventually need to go but it's just when I think of someone in my personal area looking at me, I freak out and flashbacks of my uncle molesting me pop into my mind... These flashbacks cause me to have panic attacks and I become depressed for days. Ever since this happened to me I do not trust guys and I have never had a boyfriend or close relationships with guys. Being molested has caused me a great deal of pain that I have to live with every day of my entire life. And this scares me because I eventually want to get married and have children but I don't know how I am going to over come my horrible past. But I am a survivor of child molestation with the help from my grandmother who was there for me through everything and my mother and aunt. Without them, I really don't know where I'd be.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Wanda J

by Wanda J
(Maryland, USA)

I was six years old and my father owned a cleaners. He had an assistant, who may have been anywhere from 40 to 48 years of age. When my father would go to the bank he would tell me to put my hand on his penis, to rub it and to not be afraid as I looked at it as something as I had never seen before, He waited until my father would go to the store or leave for the bank to have me touch him. It wasn't long afterwards when he started asking me to lick him like I was licking a lollipop and to suck it. He always reminded me if I ever told anyone then the boogy man would kill me and my family. I was terrified of the darkness once I went to sleep every night. My mother would cut off the light and I would cut it back on. I had nightmares of something coming out of the darkness like a demon or witch. I would turn the light on and my mother would awaken and and cut the light back off. I couldn't breathe, or move I would panic and become terrified at the fact that something was in the dark and it was going to kill me but I just didn't know when so to avoid fear of the darkness many nights I would repeatedly turn the light back on and my mother would give me the beating of my life for cutting on the light when she was cutting it off. I wasn't close to my mother she hated me and told me that she wished I was never born and she would always beat for all the things that my sister did. She was physically and mentally abusive to a severe degree. I was afraid of her and afraid to tell what that man was doing to me. He never stopped assaulting me for three years. My father felt comfortable enough to leave me at his house as my mother would some times tell me to go with my father when he would leave the house and to give her a report of where he went once we returned home. He would only drop me off to this man's house and leave me there until he came from wherever he had gone. By the age of nine he was trying to penetrate me but was never 100% successful, thus, it was painful and he would ejaculate all over me within minutes. He would place me underneath him as he was heavy. I could hardly breathe from his weight and he smoked a smelly cigar, had an old dirty smell and protruding moles all over his face. He always reminded me that if I ever told anyone at all that the boogy man would kill me. I lived in constant fear of this monster each and every night. My father may have sense something at some point because I realized that he would not leave me at his home anymore but the assault in the cleaners continued for another year and shortly after that I think my father may have dissociated with him because I never saw him again. I did not sleep with the lights off until I was 15 years old but the nightmare continued until I was about 37yrs of age.




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Child Abuse Story From April W

by April W
(Virginia, USA)

I feel that my story is complicated because I don't know if my experiences were "abuse," per se. Here is my story, short and unsweet:

My brother and I endured a lot of aggression by our dad - we were called lazy, stupid, jacka**, idiot, f*** you little brats, etc. etc. We were spanked somewhat often, but the spanking would sometimes escalate to violent situations. I remember my brother getting thrown against the wall when he was about 9 and that was extremely frightening for me. When I was a teenager, I experienced my last "spanking." I was ordered by my dad to strip, bend over, and get whipped with a leather belt over and over until my brother came in and demanded he stop. (Then, unfortunately, it was his turn - only not with a belt, it was with fists.)

I can't seem to shake this experience (or the others for that matter). I remember feeling faint - the pain was excruciating. I had welts from the back of my knees up to my mid-back. It was the most painful and humiliating experience of my life. (My blood is burning at this very moment just thinking about it.) I am so mad and hurt and sad that my dad treated us this way. It completely ruined our relationship because after this experience I vowed to myself that I no longer had a dad. Then, unfortunately, I seemed to jump into the arms of any male who would pay me any attention - sadly they were usually abusive males.

To this day, 25 years later, I feel uncomfortable around my dad. I think I still hate him a little bit. To top it off, my dad was/is addicted to pornography. He was always very in-your-face about it, too. He would plaster posters, pictures, etc. all over the house when I was a child. I would even come home sometimes to find him watching pornography and it would make me sick to my stomach. I hated him touching me - he seemed to me like a disgusting, evil pervert.

I have so much anger and resentment towards my parents: my dad for being an abuse survivor who continued a cycle of yelling, hitting, belittling and cursing; and my mom for not having the courage and intelligence to both recognize and stop this dysfunctional behavior, she just let it happen.

It seems as though I start each day with the memories of my most painful experiences. And I feel that my depression gets worse as I recognize certain milestones in my own child's life. Things he says or does seem to trigger memories of my childhood. I look at my son and wonder, "How could anyone ever intend on hurting this innocent spirit?" I could never imagine spanking, hitting, cursing at, or belittling my child - so why did my parents do it? I have been told that I should be able to find peace in my past because I have been able to break the cycle of violence, but I don't. I feel anger, hatred, and sadness (there are tears in my eyes at this very moment).

At times I daydream about cutting or otherwise hurting myself. I know I would never do this - I love my son and husband too much - but the pain I feel seems to overwhelm my mind and body. I begin to sweat profusely, my breathing gets erratic, my head hurts, tears starts flowing, I get short of breath - what does that mean? It's like I would rather feel anything other than the feelings that these experiences bring to me.




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Child Abuse Story From Victoria

by Victoria
(USA)

All of the abuse i receive from my parents and siblings are told to be just ways to make sure i don't make a mistake again. As a little girl, i threw tantrums just like anyone else. My parents were the ones that reacted differently. My father would drag me into his room, close the curtains, grab a meter stick or hanger and sit down infront of me. He always told me to lay down on my stomache infront of him. When i did he'd aim the meter stick/hanger at my face and ask me if i knew what i did wrong. Before i could answer he would spank me on my bottom with it and shout things at me. When i screamed or jumped he told me to shut up and hit me harder.

At age 5 i was always at my parent's store (they owned a salon). A 40-50 year old woman who worked there somehow brought me under the blankets and raped me. I didn't know what she was doing to me, and she convinced me i was doing nothing wrong.

My mother and father also abused my older brother. Everytime he said the slightest thing, they were somehow offended. There were several ways they punished him; they hit his neck with hangers, forced him to hold phone books over his head for hours without breaks, beat hime with their own hands, and whipped him with belts. What i didn't get was why they abused me and my brother among our 3 other siblings. We didn't do anything to deserve it.

Another time, i lost my mom's hair tie at age 10. She threw her brushes at me and slapped me several times across my face. Everytime someone asked me what happened to my face, or why my bodyparts looked so red; i was forced to say that i tripped.

My older sister sibling abused me. She forced me to swallow soap, slapped me until i was red, and threatened to rip my bodyparts off. There was even that time where she threw trashcans and slammed doors on me until i couldn't move.

I'll admit; being abused like this made me take aggression out on my younger siblings. I only shoved and yelled at them, but my parents took it the wrong way and threw me into a room so they could spank me again.

When we got a puppy, my parents made sure that all of us children took care of it. And they abused and practically encouraged us to abuse it. WHen ever it shedd hair in our house, my dad would spank it way too hard. One day, he had enough and almost killed it.

All of my life i've been scarred. I'm scucidal, and even told my sister that; but she didn't listen. I've looked up the side effects for abuse; and i just don't get it. I trust way too easily. But, i have felt like i was going crazy. Every night i feel like something is watching me. I don't know what but i feel so horrified. when i lay in bed my head goes dizzy and i can't think straight. My eyes seem to almost make up things it thinks are in the shadows. I've always wanted to make a call to the police as a teen and tell them that i want to be any place but where i am. I've been afraid of myself and what was happening to me. and the question that i ask myself is; what would i be like if i was completely normal?




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Child Abuse Story From Elizabeth

by Elizabeth
(Pennsylvania, USA)

i am 16 years old now and i was two when my real dad leaved me and my mom.all i do is lay on my bed and go on my laptop like nothing is happening because if i do get up and try my hardest to do something it always back fires on me my mom got remarried to a guy named J-- and then my mom leaved my mom worked two jobs her whole life and there was no time for me in her busy life and i was alone.i get called so many names that i stared to lose my self and the hope i have that it will all change.it stared from brat to which then to b***h to a**hole or dumb and all my friends say i am smart but i am staring not to believe them became all i hear at home is how dumb i am. (i feel like dust in the wind after my step dad yelled at me for not doing something for my mom do u ever feel like ur useless or good for nothing but not everbody is unlucky like that so i say to myself i am alone and useless and good for nothing and i guess it gets to me when my mom said i was trouble to everyone i meet or my famliy and i guess i am sick of it all day long i get up and start my mom's car and stuff like that and i don't get a thank u and i go back to sleep and wake up and do what my dad or mom wants me to do and then they yell at me if i don't did it corretly ,i can't say what or i am coming or i will or ok i have to stop what i am doing and get it done sometimes when i am eating i can't say i am eating i have to stop eating and see what they want. a couple of days after that My dad walked in the door and yelled at me for not giving the dog water and the dog did have water in he dish and J-- my step dad said you get up off your f***ing a** and get your mom work clothes and the dog water now.im useless today i feel like dust that someone is walking on i get yelled at that i stared crying and when J-- my step dad said sorry i told him i was moving away to my dads house in the summer i am tried of getting steped on and my mom yelled at me when i don't get her clothes wash for her and called me selfish and careless to other people now she is yelling at me for forget to clean up after my cat.in the moring i am not a moring person and my step dad J-- yells at me if i don't get up he pulls my hair or drag me by my feet off my bed and when i tell this to my real dad he said he can not help me or come move in with me and this moring J-- said i am sick of your bulls**t and if you don't wake up i will slap you with a towle and he said i have to go to bed at 9pm and the promble is them to me it is them and i can't wait til i am 18 is it wrong to to be happy sometimes because i am wearing a mask of happiness all the time in school my smile is a mask and nothing more...at home i am mellow and people hate me for it...J-- told this moring that we r playing a game if i don't get up he is going to pull me out of my bed and he said my mom called me but i don't hear her and he said you heard her u just didn't want to get up and when i came home i had to put boxes in the house and J-- get mad were i said what and he said something about get off your a** and come and he said what happens when u say what at your dads home? they tic me off.having nothing to eat for dinner is not that bad and mom worked me to dead today i can not bite my tongue no more and hiding the pain i feel is getting harder and harder sometimes i feel like am useless around here. good for nothing and it is getting to me more and more i want to cry but crying will not help and it shows weakness in peoples eyes. i am nothing but a mask to people. people see me and think (o that kid is happy) but it's nothing but a mask a light happy feeling but a mask. i am mellow and people do hate me for it. i think i am going on and not going to eat for a day or two because mom has no money to give me and money i get is for art club and so the day goes on and on.today was good me and my step dad played poker and i won the game i went to school and was crying this weekend because my dog dead. and no one cared that my dog dead they laughed and think it is funny i get upset when i fell in the bus and kids laugth at me and i do not get the project i wanted it is like christmas all over me sitting they with nothing wacthing people open gifts and me just wacthing i am upset and in tears and that makes me weak . i am in pain and crying and no one cares like always. i am the last people anyone wants to talk too.i can not fall asleep because i crying and upset the project is in science and it is on astoromy or the study of stars.i think all kids want their mom and dad to care for them something i don't have i was locked in my world and daydreamed about what it was like outside i remember getting off my bus and going to a house with no one in it and getting phone cells from my dad about me being save at home. me going outside and playing with no one and riding my bike places around the fairgrounds. i also remember not get cells on my birthday saying it to me. i get my first cell phone at the age of 7 or 6 and me calling J-- after school and saying i was save at home but i don't do that now and i am in my house 24 7 and i hate it...i get in trouble for asking a question i hate asking questiones because J-- yelled at me i don't care anymore I DON'T CARE i don't care any more about nothing i am a brat and careless and mean and the list goes on. and i don't care. i guess all of my hope that they would change or it would change is gone like my soul or heart and all that is leaved is a mask of nothing but feelings.feeling of sad and nothing but sad i have nothing but sad and crying is my life i want so badly not to cry but i can not have it and crying is my life not eatting because they need something and getting yelled at for eatting all the time. then J-- said he wants nothing to do with me ... alone and nothing but it staying in my room and crying myself to sleep talk to people and people thinks i have feels sometimes i think he cannot see and going to town and coming home and have to do chores because i get to go to town with my friends...... my reward they say but not for me things they don't understand..today it is nothing but a game to my mom and J-- all my mom cares about is her job nothing to do with me nothing at all and someone i care about says we can not be friends so i cryed and cryed no one cares no one cares if i am crying or not and no one cares if i am thinking about cutting or burning myself.my step dad pretty much told me to F off when i didn't move out of the sit. it's happening agin me being useless and coming home for a art garlley. now he wants me to help him play the wii and i am crying...crying in the darkness that is around me that i can not get out of... my step dad yelled at me again for not putting the dog out and standing in front of the dishwasher then he told me he is sick of me and i don't blam him for saying it i am good at nothing and me following a dumb dream is useless and pointless is it fair for me too watch as my parents eat food in front of me and me go without i ate lunch at 12:00 and no breakfast and a small half of bowl of noddles with butter as my mom bought herself a sandwich and J-- chicken i am hunger and crying to myself because my mom is telling me that i don't want to eat i can't wait until Friday when i get to eat three meals a day) and that is my little story of a year of my life.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Alyssa For a Kid at School

by Alyssa
(Pennsylvania, USA)

I think this kid at my school is being abused: 
I go to a middle school in PA and it all started the first day when i met this kid named N-- who was my science partner for the day and i noticed he had really bad bruises on his arms and legs followed my scratch marks on his sholders like someone had grabbed him by their nails.But anyway i kinda became worried but then after a month i just brushed it off.But it seemed like everytime he comes back to school after the weekened he has more bruises and scratches.
Well no its been about 5-6 months we been in school and it was on christmas and my mom was takin me back to my dads when i saw the same exact boy (N--) walkin down the street with his brother,sister and his grammother i guess and it was really cold and all the kids were just wearin sweatshirts so i hurried up and told my mom that i think his parents are abusing him and that i didnt know exactly and then at that point he was lookin at me until he accidently stepped on his grammothers heels and she turned around and smacked him right across the head and started screaming at him and his siblings and then they turned around and heading apparently back home with their gram behind them pushin them. Because everything to me is adding up,so now that explains why he is quiet and always looks miserable and sad.And the same with the bruises on his body it just makes sence but once again i dont just want to jump to conclousions but then again i have a feeling that i need to help him :(




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Child Abuse Story From Ellen

by Ellen
(England)

I am 16 years old and from the age of 8 to 15 was abused by a family friend and their dad. They would constantly ring my house phone to find out where is was, why i was there, who i was with etc. And as much as i tried to avoid them calling my phone at some point i would have to answer.

They would make me go down to their house and as they were a friend of the family my parents trusted them to come and get me and take me back, in other words i had no way out of it.

When i got there they would be really nice and then one of them would take me upstairs and make me do sexual things and force themselves onto me. I would get stipped down to my underwear and then forced into bed with the person, their daughter who is 19 also had part to do with the situtation as she would do the same and then act normal when i saw her outside of the house.

I spoke to a teacher about it and it was the worst mistake i have ever made in my life, from the age of 15 to now my life has changed and i can count the number of times i have felt happy and myself on one hand. I havent spoken about it since i spoke to that teacher and still have so many unanswered questions like, was it abuse or not? Will i feel happy again soon? Etc.

I hope people can relate to my story and writing it on here makes me feel better about it myself.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Melissa

by Melissa
(Australia)

I am a female in my early 20s and I got sexually abused many times by my grandfather and uncles till I turned 13 and father until the age of 16. I did try to get my voice out there and tell an aunty once and she did not believe me, later on i tried to tell a male friend when i was in high school and my brother found out and asked me if it was true, that he would kill our father if what i had said was true and i just couldn't talk anymore and started to cry so he though i was just making up stories to get a guys attention. after that day i tried to shut everything out, i didn't wanna think about it anymore. I'd get upset and cry time to time but i didn't wanna bother telling anyone anything because our family (parents and brother)seemed to be so happy and i didn't want to ruin anything. but time went on i learned to forgive my father for what he did because i felt like forgiveness would be the answer to my happiness and as for my uncles and their father..well i now live in a different country and have not seen them ever since but from what i have been told they are struggling in their lives..after all there is a GOD up there who is watching over us even when we think nobody is watching.
At the age of 19 i met a guy and we have been together since. strangely enough this man that i have been with is a child of rape. his mother got raped by her uncle and my now fiance is the child from that rape. He also got sexually abused by members of his family (his mothers 3 sisters). everything he went through in his life made him a very angry person. he used to lie about everything, steal from people and so on.. when i came into his life he was going through hell. the first year of our relationship was awful. he lied to me about everything and anything..we had fights everyday and he even hit me a few times..he also tried to hang himself once. basically he needed serious help. my first thought after he told me everything about his life was , there is no way i can put up with this, i have been through enough but for some reason i stuck around..and we are still together. now i think he has been put in my life for a reason,for me to show him better things..to show him the good side.. in a way i see it as a mission and i hope i succeed. i have to say that he has changed a lot, he works everyday, he stopped lying about every little thing, he has taken up a sport professionally and he hasn't tried to hit me for a couple of years now but deep down i know he still has issues! we are engaged now and once i finish my studies we plan on getting married. now my problem is having kids..in a way I'm terrified to have kids with someone who has gone through what he has or i should say what we both have gone through. what if something happens to our kids? god forbid what if he does something to our kids...i don't know what to do..i don't know if deciding to have kids with our histories would be a good idea or not..i spoke to some one in his family and that person told me that it's like he has been cursed and having kids with him might not be a great idea..that made me think again and again.




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Child Abuse Story From Lisa

by Lisa
(England)

I don't really know where to start, I'm 30 years old, so after all these years why can't I forget about the physical, sexual and emotional abuse that went on all through out childhood. I think I know deep down in side it must of been my thought which is why I was also raped at the age of 18 by someone I knew.I am in counselling and all she wants to know is how it makes me feel,Plus Why I think I have these feelings etc.I turn up every week but feel like I'm getting know where as I find it so hard to talk, the words just won't come out. It all started from a very young age thats all I remember from being a very young child. I think I was as young as 2. I rembember on a daily basis being called names like fat,slag,pig,tramp etc at first I was,nt sure what all this mean't, but as time went on I learnt what everything mean't. My father use to come home quite alot drunk and beat my mum and then me, my sisters and brothers This just became a way of life for us so I guess we learn't to live with it. I hated it when my mum used to go out to my nans or to buy him drink and most of all when she was in hospital having more babies and left us on our own with him My oldest sisters was sent with her to make sure she was'nt meeting some bloke They was the lucky ones got to excape for a while. When they was gone my dad use to pick on me, probability because I was so quiet and he knew he could keep me quiet that is why I think to my self if only I was louder then chances are he would off left me a lone. My Dad started sexually abusing me from about the age of 3-4 I remember it as it was only yesterday It stated off with just him showing him self to me and then when on to touching an till eventually at the age of about 9 he started getting worse to the point he'd rape me. I suppose all this time he was testing me to see if I would say anything and of course I did'nt, I just stayed quiet, I did'nt want to be locked in the cupboard and left there, I hated that and plus who was going to listen to me. There was points where we were left on our own completely this is the only memory I remember feeling great it felt like we was free for that little while as time went on My mum and Dad broke up I thought that was it we was free at last but we still had to see him every weekend and if anything thing was worse cause he knew he was'nt gonna get caught this went on antill about the age of 14 then he was'nt really interested. By the time I was 16 I started drinking heavily to the point I could'nt remember, At this age I started getting presents through the door etc,but I did,nt think know more of it. I went Away on holiday with my sister at around 17 and ended up sleeping with one of her friends even though I did'nt want to I just did as he wanted I found it hard to say No. After this I had a few boyfriends. At the age of 18 I was out drinking again with another one of my sisters whose birthday it was I felt really dizzy and horrable so someone I know offered to come bk with me as I was staying there. So I let him take me back He started trying to kiss me this time I managed to say know I was not interested for the first time in my life I said No but that didnot matter he said come on I know you want to really and know matter what I said he would'nt listen and ended up raping me. From this day I don't drink anymore but I,m still finding it really hard to deal with. If I really told my Counsellor how I felt I don't think she would like my answer because inside I think to my self I don't know how much more I can take and if I took the only way out I know. I won,t have to deal with it anymore. The trouble is I've tryed taking pill a couple of times now and all they make me do is sleep and be sick. I'm not looking for sympathy just wanted to write down my story to see if it helped.




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Child Abuse Story From Aisha

by Aisha
(UK)

I was very young about 5 yrs old and naughty and my mum beat me up and Walked away i called her name but she ignored me & once i was 6 i used to Suck my thumb ( it was a bad habit ) and my dad got amgry and told Me not to do it but i didnt notice and sucked my thumb out of nowhere my Dad slapped me so hard i had his finger prints on my face for 1-2 weeks and I didnt go nursery until my bruise went.when i was 7 i used to get beaten up Reguarly every other day and that carried on until I was 11.at the age of 12 i was fOrced to go 2 boardin school i hated the Teacher said she would smack me and got hold of my diary and Read it and made fun Of me ( which made me cry ) I used to tell my mum i dont want to stay though they paid loadz of MOney and said stay there.i got depressed i barely slept i lost 4 stones (56 pounds) in 2 months it was torture i started to cut myself got panic attacks I used to be a happy kid but thats been snatched away from me now i have gone I hav been replaced as something i dont want to be finally I got out of boarding skl though my parents didnt go to skl 4 3 months But now i have started skl in yr 8 and my aunt started 2 beat me up She slapped me sold my laptop broke my stuff sweared at me made Horrible comments make Me sleep out side on the street when my mum was on holiday told if i say one thing she Would stab me !!!!! I Am scared i cant tell or phone someone I CAnT cOPE wItH aftermath i will Be a disgrace to the family (this is true i am the victim) and still happenin im 13




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From A Mother

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

Help for both my children: 
I just found out that my 15 yr old son has been touching my 10 yr old daughter inappropriately. He has been sneaking in her room on the middle of the night & she woke up to it! I immediately notified the appropriate officials, and he will most likely be charged and sent to Juvenile. I know that I did the correct thing, but why do I hurt so deep down???




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Sarah J

by Sarah J
(USA)

Needed help but no one was there: 
My step dad used to beat me with a belt until I couldn't sit down. It was just last year at the beginning of fourth grade when my mom got divorced with my step dad. He was truly evil and every night he would smack me on the side of the head and say to my little sister and baby brother that they where lucky they where to young.Whatever that means! I was scared because I could not protect them. It is not like I could protect them, right? Sometimes I feel like I want them to go away forever,but I love them deep DEEP down. He used to ground me for no reason. I'm so SO scared because he is trying to get my mom back. The school councelor won't even help me.




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Child Abuse Story From Bethany

by Bethany
(North Carolina, USA )

I've never written a story, and I'm probably not good at it. Here goes, I was born 1997 With an abusive father. I don't remember any of it really because I was so young long story short mom divorced that maniac. She then marries a really nice guy. Who has a son of his own and of now a daughter by him and my mother. When I was 10-12 he used to get on me over everything. Make me clean the house while my currently 17 old step brother and 9 year old half sister watched, I used to get depressed not severely but enough to make me hurt. When I turned 13 a different abuse started. I know about adultery or sex, half because old enough so it's obvious, and because I've overheard my fair share of things. He would slip in my bed at night or during the mornings when people were asleep or not around. He would touch me in places no father should touch at my age. He would move my hand so it was at his private area and do those things. I wanted to tell! I wanted to..but he was married to my mom. The mom who went through horrid physical and emotional abuse in her first marriage. I couldn't hurt her like that. It would break her heart. I remember one day when my step brother was watching me play x box in his room and I said something witty and rude about my step father. He got angry saying why would you say something like that your obviously his favorite, I mean every morning he's in your bed with you. My good mood immediately changed and I said doesn't mean I love him? He looked at me like " what is it ". All I could do was turn my head and ignore the voice screaming Tell Him!! They have divorced currently, hmm about a month ago from today I moved to Kentucky with my mom and I pretty much went depressed. I missed the rolling green hills of north Carolina, my pet chickens, my small country school where we knew everybody. So I came to live with him and my siblings. I didn't move to be with him I moved to be in north Carolina where I knew my classes and all my friends. Mom and him still love each other they've both told me separately. I thought finally no more of that abuse! No, not true he still does though I've made it clear don't come close to me don't sleep in my bed with me. I don't have the guts to tell him and don't touch me! He thinks I'm asleep when he does it but trust me I'm awake and I'm hoping he will stop soon. I still can't tell anybody, my. What would happen is a- mom would try to force me to move to Kentucky where as I would decline and have to move to a family members and burden them. B- my family will, be shattered this cute house and all my pets, and sibling would be torn from me. I tell my self deal with it do you want you one person to be happy, and ruin a happy clueless family. I don't know what to do I'll be earning 15 in March. I don't wanna tell all I can think is 3 more years till freedom!! I'm glad to have this off my chest.




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Child Abuse Story From Annemary

by Annemary
(Canada)

all my life i have been abused...as far back as i can remember i would get picked on at school on the bus everybody hated me because i was shy and timid. at home my mom would leave for bingo everynight and leaving my brother and sisters with my drunk dad and his groping drunk friends, i do remember one night my mom tried to leave with us in toe my dad shot at us with a rifle i still remember the feeling of running as fast as i can . my uncles are all molesters too i hate them. i feel a little better writing this down thanks for giving me that chance, annemary




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Child Abuse Story From Kerry

by Kerry
(Texas, USA)

I was probably around 14 or 15 and I was sharing a bed with my aunt when she came to sleepover at my parent's house. In the middle of the night my aunt assumed I was asleep and started laying my leg between her legs. At that point I woke up but pretended I was asleep and thought it was just a body spasm I had on my part and my legs just ended between her legs. I stayed awake for ten minutes trying to fall back to sleep. My aunt then took my leg and started rubbing it forcefully back and force on her vulva. I guess she was sexually aroused by it and still at that time she assumed I was still in a deep sleep. However I was awake through this whole ordeal. My leg hurt with pain because of the way it was bent for her to let it stroke her private parts. I woke up the next day and rubbed my legs with soap until it was red because I was so disgusted and confused. From time to time I think about that night but it never really affected me. I am now a junior in college and I wondered why such a person I called my aunt would do that and I know if i speak up on it now no one will believe me so I've kept it to myself. I still don't know if what my aunt did is considered sexual abuse.




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Child Abuse Story From Rebecca

by Rebecca
(Florida, USA)

I was about 6 and my mom and dad got in a fight and my dad left, it wasnt long after that my mom got a new boyfriend. I didn't see anything wrong with this guy at first untill he started to act weird. He startd to get me alone more and more. then thats when it happened.He started to touch me and make me touch him i knew it was wrong but he was giveing me stuff in return. like snacks, getting out of trouble, and other things like that. One day when i was in the 5th grade and this had been going on for many years now a lady came to my class to talk about abuse, at the end of the prestitation she gave us a little quiz and the very last question asked if i need to see a consulor. i bubbled yes. They called me out of my class a few days later and I finally told the officer what happened.the officer got sent to pick me up from my house. Thats when my mom found out and the first words out of her mouth was she is lying.I finally got taken away from my mom because she was still letting her boyfriend come around even though he couldnt be near me.I was put in a shelter for older kids because all the other ones were full. they had no clothes that fit me and i felt so alone.Finally after being in the shelter for about 6months i was going in to foster care. i was with my foster parents for about 6months then my dad finally got me. i knew that wasnt going to last long because he was a drinker and a druggie. i lived in 5 diffrent houses with him untill finally my mom took me back with out the law knowing. She was still with the same boyfriend and i had to live in the same house with him again. The law ended up finding out that i was back home, they took me away again and put my with my grandma, but she couldnt take care of a teenager so i moved to a diffrent country and began living with my uncle. My uncle was ok at first but then he started to get aggressive and mean i felt as tho i couldnt do anything right. so i left. i am now living with my bestfiends and im vry happy i have a job and im graduating highschool this year. i can say is i wouldnt change anything that happened to me in my life.




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Child Abuse Story From Debra

by Debra
(Kansas, USA)

Uncontrolled rage: 
One summer years ago a friend and I were at the pool of our building when a mother and daughter who were also there swimming soon left. Before they were completely out of sight the mom began hitting this little girl. Before we knew what happened the little girl was backed against the wall with her arms up around her face defending herself.

My friend and I jumped from the water and ran to stop the abuse, We jumped between the mother and daughter as she dealt with the mother and I the daughter. Before long they were back in their home with the husband informed so no further incidents could occur.




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Child Abuse Story From Brianna

by Brianna
(Virginia, USA)

im 13 and i used to get abused.my mom pushed me down on the stairs and started kicking me in the back, one day. but thts not the onlly time something like that has happened to me coming from her.
now im ignored by everyone, so nothing really happens anymore. i was raped by my brother and sister. ive been sexually assault by other guys. i was too afraid to do anything.i blame myself for it still.
i feel so guilty for everything- my parents divorce, the abuse from my mom,the assaults, the rapes. i told someone about my brother raping me. when my dad found out the first thing he said to me was,"do you know how much trouble your brother can get into?"
they were all mad at me. my mom still says to me that its just as much my fault as it is my brother's.
today, all my mom does is tell me to do things like cleaning the house and watch my little half-brother while she goes out and party all night.
i stopped going to my dad's house. i never could forgive him for tearing my family apart.he's dating my uncle's(my dad's brother is whom i talking about)ex-wife. he doesnt feel any guilt for it.all he does is lie to me. i got tired of the lies and decided i wasnt going to take it anymore.
i remember the day they got a divorce- they fought physiclly for the first time in front of me. no one else saw it except for me. i shouldnt of just stood there and watched. i shuold have done something but i didnt know what to do. everyone has gotten over everythinhg except me.




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Child Abuse Story From Leslie T

by Leslie T
(USA)

A southern child lost in a world of anger: 
As far back as I can remember I always seem to have to fight to just belong in a half hearted family. My mother was the third child of six girls the moment she told my granny that she was pregent the beatings started.Once she beat her with a broom trying to make her miscarry me. I was borned with one side of my nose swollen no one can tell me what from but I have an idea it was that beating. Once I was born I was no longer a mishap I was granny's baby or should I say the string she held around my mothers neck. Needless to say after being passed around and being hated I was told at eleven that killing myself wasn't the answer only to find out that person had about twenty thousand dollars of paid up life insurance on me. Then one day I was playing down at the farm house and my uncle grabbed a hold of me it was attention indeed but it was murder of a little girl already lost but still wanting to be some one special or atleast free. After reporting it to the adults I was called a liar my mother disowned me just to much trouble for granny to keep. So I was rushed and pushed off on a father who only intentions with me was to see if I was the what my mom used to be. By that time my mom had married a man who didn't like me or any other kid plus my granny hated him as much. But if I promised to behave I could come back and stay with all the ugly names he had holding on display to call me. He hated me and my siblings he would hit us, call us names, makes us go to bed and go to sleep only to crawl in to scare the hell out of us just to see the fear, tried wreacking us cause we ate hes food he bought him before we spent eight hours at the beach in mid July. We only ate once and only allowed a six pack of pepsi and there was four of us. His beer was always first along with his pot. I had enough at age 14 I started fighting back I hit him so hard the law was going to take me in. But my mother could stay there just not me. I reported his drugs in the house no one would help us. Because his sister was a big shot in the county. At age 16 I got out finally I married and had two kids of my own. Made alot of mistakes along the way I honestly can say I had to many cuts that would seem to seal. Now the man is living with my aunt what a jerry springer indeed. One of my siblings has forgiven him. The other has really never knew love except from me. Now like I once was she looks at drugs like a smoother melody. After all she was beaten into learning her ABC'S. Cutest little angel I've ever seen.For some reason he is good enough to be in our family now but where does that leave me? Still fighting trying to just belong in a world that truly hated me.




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Child Abuse Story From Jennifer M

by Jennifer M
(Nebraska, USA)


My mom and my dad divorced when I was 4. When I turned 6 my mom started dating a guy she met at a club. After a month of dating they got hitched at a court house. No one knew about the marriage. Once he moved in everything seemed peachy. But then a few months later things weren't right. My cousin and his mother lived with us at the time. One day my cousin, sister, and I took our little Pomeranian outside, she found a way to get loose and ran away. My step dad found out and made us line up from oldest to youngest. One by one he took us into my room and hit us with the belt. The saddest part of that was, that my own mother was in the living room and didn't do anything. After that any little thing that upset him we would get the belt, and everytime my mom didn't do anything. The summer of 2006, he went over board. My step sister moved in with us for a year. She let our dog off the leash to let him inside and he took off and ran into a little girl. My step dad whopped her with the belt to the point she had bruises (my mom was there watching and didn't stop him). Another time that still haunts me to this day was that my sister had bladder problems where she would accidently wet the bed. He took her into the room me and her shared. I was in the living room and my mom was in the living room on the computer. Then the hits and screams started. I started crying. My mom turned to me and this is what she said, "Is he hitting her?" I looked at her in disbelief. "Yes mother he is!" And she just sat there. After he was satisfied, I ran past him and into the room, locked the door, and held my sister close as she cried. She was 9 and I was 11. The Police said none of this was true and didn't charge him with anything. My mom took us kids to my grandparents and stayed the night to get away from him. But the next morning she was gone and left a note saying that she was going to stay with him and we all would go to counseling. When I was 12 I started cutting myself and popping pain pills, any pills I could get my hands on (this didn't stop till I was 16). He stopped hitting us, but that didn't stop the monster. He started mentally/emotionally and verbally abusing me and my sister. He would just put us down. He would tell my sister she needed to lose weight that she was fat. I remember telling her while she cried that he was way fatter than she was. The first time I had sex he found out and called me a hoe, s**t, and wh**e. My mother sat there and let him do it. The fall of 2009 I ran away. Cops got ahold of me and I told them what was going on, they still made me go home and didn't do anything. Finally at the age of 16 I attempted my hundreth suicide attempt. I called my grandma and told her this was the last time she would hear my voice. I hung up after I said I loved her and my grandpa. Then I went to my room and popped some pain pills and started slashing my legs. The Sheriff came to see what was going on. When I revealed to my step dad that I did call my grandparents ( ever since I was 15 I haven't had contact with my grandparents till now) he said he was just going to let state take me, the day before he said I wasn't part of my sister's life and that I didn't love them. The Sheriff took me to the hospital where we met my mother. When I had to show the nurse my cuts in front of my mom a feeling came over me that I love to this day. The feeling was a saying that "look mother I did this cause of your Monster Husband!" I went to a place called CAPS for a week and got put in foster care. My step dad didn't get charged with anything. They took me out of my mother's custody for me self harming, not for her neglect and HIS abuse. I live with my grandparents now. I don't talk to my mother anymore. recently she told me I wasn't her daughter and my grandparents and that part of the family aren't her family. Ever since May 2011 I have not seen her, we kept in touch with each other through e-mail! The last time I talked to her was January 2012. I haven't seen my own two sisters for 2 years. I'm happy with what I'm doing. I got accepted to start college this fall. I graduate in May. I'm really happy. My mother isn't in my future as long as she is still married to Monster. I still struggle every day with things, but I have support of my family and friends, and my caseworker and the state and my judge. I plan on being a social worker or even work at CPS.




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Child Abuse Story From Laura

by Laura
(UK)

Alcoholic mum - but I was older and forgave her: 
I am a woman age 31, I have 2 beautiful children a boy 7 and a girl 3. I love them dearly, I am kind natured never hit them and rarely raise my voice. But I think I am drinking too much and it's becoming a habit.

My dad worked abroad most of my life to give my mum andbig brother a good life and so my mum could look after us at home. My mum was an amazing beautiful person who died of cancer when I was pregnant with my daughter. My dad has since retired and I am so pleased to now be spending some great quality time with him and my kids love their granda soo much.

The part of my life which is not great however was when I was about 12ish my mum started drinking heavily she would fall asleep on the chair with a cigarette in her hand, I was scared to sleep and would try for hours to wake her and eventually go to sleep crying. She would wake the next day though nothing had happened, this was ok though as she was ok and back to normal. This happened over and over to the point where I would just get drunk and stay out at night coz I knew my mum would be unconscious on the couch anyway and wouldn't know. I got into not nice situations with drugs and boys, nothing major but enough for me at 16 to loose my virginity to a guy I never knew(I was drunk) and thought what the f--- am I doing!!

I couldn't tell my dad she was an alcoholic! He asked me but couldn't tell him the truth. My mum and dad loved each other dearly and my mum never had other men or drank outside our home so we always felt loved and secure and peovided for.

I started hiding my mums drink and then also drinking it. She started getting verbally abusive towards me wen I was about 15-16. She started acouple of times getting a bit physical but to be honest she was about 50 and I ended up being the bad one for pushing her backseat fromme and making her fall. But all because I was hiding her drink. Loads of arguments, physical stuff happened, I always felt guilty as she was drunk and I pushed her or whatever but I never hurt her, she caused me much pain anger and overall a feeling of helplessness as I watched her change in to this and I couldn't help.

I lovedmy mum dearly and still do, but I feel so much guilt for her. I had my son when I was 24, her drinking continued but I trusted her with all my heart when she tried to change. One day she watched my son overnight and my aunt arrived at 11am to find her drunk in a housecoat and my son crying in his cot , my son was fine but extremely clingy for about 3 days. I think she had overdone it on the drink and not heard him wake ? I was very upset.

She was a fantastic loving gran though and about a year before me and my husband got married she changed she stopped drinking became a great gran and mum the kind she always was when she was sober, she became herself again and I 100% forgave her.

She became ill while I was pregnant with my daughter, at this point we were the best of friends. She swore she would meet her grandchild but sadly died of cancer when I was 5 months pregnant.

I have blocked a lot of my years as there was much more that happened but my mum became free and became a beautiful mum again. I hope I am not falling in to that alcohol cycle as I really feel I am and can't stop it.




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Child Abuse Story From Stu

by Stu
(United Kingdom)

Latchkey kid: 
I do not know were my story began. I only know that i did stupid things. Probably 9 or 10 and i carried on till i left for Uni. I went looking for sex at lease that is the way i excuse myself. It started with a stranger in the park and i went back for more. I always hung around parks and playgrounds waiting for the right sort of person to visit the toilets and i would follow them in. I got money and felt good about it. I also got hurt several times selling myself and the authorities would always question me. They knew, my parents knew but nobody stopped me. Guess i am one of the lucky ones because i have never caught a disease. Since i started Uni i have stopped all this. I have friends
, people that i care about and people that i would be ashamed of myself if they ever found out.




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Child Abuse Story From Leah

by Leah
(South Carolina, USA)

I am a 61 year old woman. I have one son, and for the sake of him I need help. I've been raised by an abusive alcoholic father and an absent mother. My father blamed us children for my mothers abandonment. He became a mad drunk that needed to blame his children for his mistakes.
And to this day, he is 89 years of age, he still insists on blaming even me. Me, the one who had to take over for my mom at the age of 15. When I talk about my family I only have stories of loneliness, separation from everything that seemed real. I have this ugly wall around me that I so much want and need to step beyond. Every time I think I have a foot out I realize there is no footing at all. I am a loner, but I so much want a life before I die.

Leah




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Child Abuse Story From Jackie

by Jackie
(USA)

i am only 12 years old an i would be yelled at 24/7 when i get in trouble i do apologize but this recently i was beat with a belt and i only had my underwear and a t-shirt on and that's not the bad part she pushed me against the wall and slapped me and i fell all i heard was ringing in my head i didn't know what to do.




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Child Abuse Story From Julian S

by Julian S
(UK)

I was abused by 2 paedophiles from the age of 11 into adulthood. I was drugged and raped many times. Photos were taken and most probably passed around by paedophiles. I kept it from my family until i was 22. I never got help, because i kept my dirty secret. I felt it was all my fault. I still feel its all my fault. I'm now in my 30's, and my life is a complete mess. I strive to be a part of the world, but just seem to fall and fail all the time. I've just recently tried to get some therapy. Because i hurt so much everyday.
I'm left with extreme thoughts, dreams, flashbacks, extreme guilt and shame. And i'm addicted to masturbation and pornography due to the sexual abuse, i was given alcohol and god knows what.. and while i was being abused they made me watch pornography, so i'm very dysfunctional. I've been told that its so deep because of the age it happened to me, all through puberty. No-one seems to understand, and i feel very alone. I may look like a man in his 30s, but i'm still a young boy who hurts so much. The only thing keeping me alive are my dreams. Everytime i look at women i hurt inside because for some reason i can't explain, i feel unworthy of love and sexual relations. Because i feel like a dirty disgusting person, i feel like an abuser. I wish all of this would leave my head, because i've missed so much of my life. I've missed out on relationships, on work, on education, on everything! My life ended by the time i turned 12 years old. And i've been having the same breakdown everyday, ever since then.
I don't know why i'm telling you this, but deep down, i really want someone to help me.. (okay, i'm crying now). i want to get better and be a good human being. I feel like such a failure and a very bad person.

Again, i think i'm writing this with the real hope to get the serious help to treat this stuff. I'm so upset because i have missed out on my youth, my 20s and now my 30s. Its such a waste of life.




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Child Abuse Story From Rhonda

by Rhonda
(Indiana, USA)

I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused as a chld from the ages of 5 to 12 by my older brother. I have worked hard to save my self and i have been able to move on find self worth and fill my life with an education and child that i love. that is not to say that i did not struggle with depression, self hate, and zero self worth or that those feelings dont continue to come into play even now 30 years later.

my problem is that my mother is insistant that there be some type of reconciliation with my brother. keep in mind including me, he also sexually abused my little sister, became a drug addict and is a liar and manipulator.

i am so tired of the abuse i suffered being minimized because he is my brother.

she would never ask me to sit at christmas diner with some stranger who had raped me.

i am sad.

i don't think mom will ever be able to understand the abuse and i fear that if she cant acknowledge that then she cant know all of me.

i feel like turning my back on her for ever.....but not sure that is right.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Lily

by Lily
(Minnesota, USA)

My parents have been married for three years but have recently gotten divorced.
My mom left my dad.
I look a lot like my mom which upsets my dad.
So every time I do something that he doesn't like, he smacks me across the side of my face, drags me across my room, or punches me. He says I deserve it to show how much of a horses arse I am. I remind him so much of my mom, he takes his anger out on me.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Paula H

by Paula H
(Ireland)

My 1st memory was when I was lying on the sitting room green carpet looking at the glass cabinet to my right and the expanse of ceiling above. I was wriggling under the weight of my Father. My feet which were squashed against his thighs were facing downwards under his weight, I could hardly breath. His face was whiskery, scratching my face as his wet lips and face licked and kissed all over my tiny face, all while he called me his 'flower'. I was about 3yr old. My pushing and squirming against him only served to heighten his thrill.

My Mam opened the double doors between the sitting room and living room and I cried 'Mam help me, hes hurting me', she replied 'ah dont be shouting hes only playing with you'........and she left!

My next memory is me about 4 or 5 and I ran away from home! I had looked out the window at Mam going up the road and I grabbed any shoes on my feet and began to follow. I got lost following her but decided I felt safer lost than going home so I kept walking. I was eventually picked up by Gardi. I wouldnt say where I lived so they skirted the roads til we found Mam strolling along with the pram and my 5 siblings. I was handed over. That night my fathers words to me were 'you'll not bring gards to MY door again!'

The abuse continued but I blocked it from memory for 28years when my 13yr old daughter said one day 'I dont like the way Grandad holds me anymore...!' Anyone who knows my father KNOWS he doesnt 'hold' anyone. ALARM bells rang.

My father had been abusing my eldest since the age of 7. He abused her for 6yrs.

I had him put on trial. This was the 1st case of 2nd generation abuse in Ireland.

He was found guilty on ALL charges. HE DIDNT SPEND A SINGLE DAY IN JAIL!!!

We decided to name and shame him in the papers (it made front page on all national and regional papers, even a few in UK). We did this because we were warned he may do no time cos of his age, 76. He got 3x 2yr sentences to run all at one time, so he got 3yrs probation.

I later found out that BOTH my older sisters suffered as I and my daughter did. One sister has no memory of her pre 12yr old years!

My 3 children blame me for 'allowing' this to happen. They feel I was responsible for what happened and I should accept and acknowledge this as my role. They say I put them at risk. My eldest daughter never sees, speaks or communicates with me, she is married and 26yr old. The other 2 are 24 and 21 respectively.




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Child Abuse Story From Katie

by Katie
(Location Undisclosed)

this might sound very wierd, but im going to tell you what i have remembered from when i was young. i am 13 yrs old. i keep getting haunted by the thoughts of my 2 cousins hurting me. in my old house when i was about 5 years old i remember when my cousin told me to do something i can never forget. my cousins were about 13 years old at that time while i was only 5.its really hard for me to tell you everything that has happend to me but i can remember everything so clearly i just want to wash my brain and memories out so hard wih soap. you might not believe that i can remember this since then but i promise you this is no lie. one time he told me to kiss him and take my trousers off and do a disgusting act. he would tell me to come in his room every single day and he would do this to me.one day he asked me to meet him in his room as ussual but i didnt come. he was angry at me and said he was dissapointed at me and he hurt me.
when i was six years old his brother assualted me i felt so sick that they were brothers who i grew up with and they hurt me in such a way. i feel sick to even say his name. we moved out of that house because it was a very small house and there were not any proper shops around the corner where we could buy bread or milk we had to travel a long way in a car to get these things. when we moved into this new house we immediatly like it. it was a big house and all the bad memories had flushed away from me. untill he then moved in because he had an argument with his sisters and didnt want to live there no longer. he assualted me more in his bed room everyday when my brothers and sisters or parents didnt know what was going on in the same house.the thought of him living in the room right next to mine right this day right this second haunts me. ive never told anyone about this. right this moment the thoughts are hurting me so bad.
they are both now 23 and 24 yrs of age. im not speaking to the one that insulted me in his room every day because of some argument we had over me and my brother playing some game on the computer so he said he wasnot talking to me but i took this serious because he always takes the mick out of my name or he would call me an animal or a filthy beast. he doesnt hurt me anymore, i think it was because his mother had passed away. i loved her as my own mother the only thing i hated was that she didnt watch what her own two kids were doing to me. i would go to my room and cry untill my eyes were red my mum would ask me why i was crying but i would just make an excuse saying i hurt myself or something just to get her thinking everything was fine.i dont even look at him and my mum and brothers and sister tell me to forgive him but they dont really know why i cant.
i hate that one of the brothers is really nice to me now and he doesnt hurt me anymore doesnt even remember what he did to me. he hasnt said or done anything to me for such a long time but i still just cant forgive him for what he'd done. i just wish my parents could have watched me more and then maybe these things wouldnt have happend.
thankyou for listening.




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Child Abuse Story From Hellen

by Hellen
(Illinois, USA)

well i wasnt feeling ok this morning so i stayed home from school, thats when i got the text from my stepdad saying, work come so i can show you, i went into the room and laid down on the bed i really dont know why i did it just if i said no then i was scared of what might happened, he started rubbing my legs to "show" me how to rub his back, then he said rub my legs to and made me go higher, i could feel his u know and it was really gross i hated it i kept asking him if i was done then he said a few more minutes then i asked him again and he replied by saying 3 more mintues, does three minutes where the longest and most disgusting minutes of my life.




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Child Abuse Story From MR

by MR
(USA)

I think I've always been a special person because I never let what happened to me get in the way.

When I was a child, I lived in a dysfunctional home. My dad was a schizophrenic alcoholic who abused us physically by punching us in the head, whipping us with branches that had thorns on them, or making us kneel on bottle caps. I make it sound like he was the worst dad ever, but I learned as an adult that I really love my dad and even though he abused us physically, he showed us that he loved us in other ways. He was just sick from his head and at that time, we didn't know it.

I don't know if my dad ever sexually abused me, though. I remember something about my past that I don't know if it was a dream or something that really happened. It was of my dad laying in bed and telling me to straddle his face, and I was about 3 or 4 years old, but I don't know if it was a dream or not. However, I think of the times my dad would get mad at me for turning around when he was using the bathroom (he didn't want to let me out of his sight, so he would take me with him to the bathroom and tell me to turn around) and it makes me think he wouldn't have dared. I was his princess, but as an adult, now, I know that anything is possible, so who knows? Only one time that I can actually remember as not being a dream, I felt he went a little too far when I was in 3rd grade and I was wearing these really short shorts and he tapped my butt in a way I thought was inappropriate. I remember telling a teacher about it because it bothered me so much, I was in a daze. The teacher told me I was just making things up in my head, so I left it at that.

For the most part, my dad was rarely ever around, so the abuse only happened when he would have one of his schizophrenic fits. But, because he was rarely around, and my mother had to go to work, she would leave us alone all day with my oldest brother in charge. He was about 8 years old, my other older brother was about 6, and I was about 4 years old. Some of our cousins lived with us, so I was usually the only girl around 5 boys and sometimes they would "practice" what they learned about sex on me.

I don't know how far they got. I don't remember most of it. I just know the one time they got caught and my parents abused them so cruelly for what they did to me. That's when my mother told me not to let anyone touch me there.

But my mother was not without shame herself. She always preferred my brothers over me because I was a girl and her family saw men as something to boast about. I remember always being made to clean the house because "that's a woman's job" while they would all get together outside and have fun as a family without me in it. Whatever. I always knew that when I was old enough to start my own family, I would have a family MY way.

So it was no surprise when I was 14 when I caught my older brother sexually molesting me in my sleep. He was 16 years old. I woke up to find him touching me places he shouldn't be touching me. I got up and I told my mother and she didn't tell him anything. She just said I was making it up and I remember throwing a tantrum because she wouldn't do anything about it! Not even tell him that what he did was wrong! So I punished him myself! We were in high school together, so I told everyone what he did to me. He was so mad because he was so embarrassed about other people knowing about his actions, he tried to make ME feel like I was wrong, but I told him that if he didn't like it, then he shouldn't have done it and to expect that kind of reaction from me if he tried to do it again because I was not afraid to speak up. He didn't talk to me for a year and mom got mad at me for telling others what he did to me. I didn't care because I felt better talking about it, and she obviously wasn't going to help me.

Sometimes I think my brother used to drug me, and probably did more to me than I know of. I remember having nightmares of me being a small barbie doll and he was a giant and he would grab me and put me down his pants. I remember going to school and feeling like something was so wrong that I would cry and I was always at the nurses office. I always assumed that I was scared for my mother, who was home alone with my dad, and I always worried that he would beat her up, like he often did, when we weren't there to help her, but after catching my brother doing what he did, I sometimes wonder, especially since I didn't experience the loss of my virginity like most women do. I didn't bleed and it didn't hurt, and sometimes that's normal, but for me, because I was sexually abused and don't remember most of it, I wonder how far they went.

But, I don't let it bother me anymore. I just allow it to make me stronger and to help others. I am married now and have two children, and I make sure to share my stories with my babies so they know how to protect themselves. My husband worries sometimes for me because he's afraid that our sexual relationship might bring back memories, and sometimes it does, but I will not be a victim. What's in the past is in the past and the only thing I can do for that is learn from it and tell others my stories so they know that your life doesn't have to end with abuse. Use your experience to teach others and make yourself strong knowing that you are using something bad to do something good like showing that it is ok to talk about it and get help.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Cidos

by Cidos
(USA)

i feel like this is so stupid. it happened so long ago. i really shouldn't let it effect me.
its extremely hard talking about this situation. ok here is my story.
when i was 7 going on 8 my mother and i moved in with my aunt G-- and her 4 daughters.there was also my aunts boyfriend T-- and hes best friend K-- living there too. K-- didn't have a job at the time so he was put in charge of babysitting while our parents either worked or partied. he was very touchy feely at times which i never thought nothing of. it was more annoying then anything because he would hold me in a hug and i couldn't get out till i faced him and kiss him. which got on my nerves because i wanted to go play. he would come in where i was sleeping lay next to my bed on the floor and put hes arm over me. i just pretended to sleep and never open my eyes or moved. i knew it was him tho. i was a complete idiot because i saw nothing wrong with any of these things! wow i was stupid. one day he told all the kids they were allowed to go outside and play but i had to stay inside because i was in trouble. he took me to the basement. made me get naked. touched me and made me touch him. K-- told me my mother would be very mad at me for what i did to him. i couldn't tell anyone because i would get in big trouble. it was our secret. the trips to the basement started becoming more and more often. he could be very mean at times if i didn't do what he said. he could lose hes temper easily. i feared him. i decided it was just easier to just go with the program i guess. K-- ended up going to prison for awhile for attempted murder. that is how the abuse stopped. i still remember that day. K-- and my aunt were drinking heavily. nothing new in that house hold. they got in a argument. i cant remember what it was even about. K-- got anger and started beating my aunt up. he just wouldn't stop hitting her. K-- did all of this while 5 children watched on in horror. i was only 8 but i can still remember hearing my aunt screaming begging him to stop. he beat her till she stopped moving. then he just walked right past us and went out the front door like nothing happened. he left my aunt bleeding to death knocked out on the kitchen floor. one of my older cousins called 911. she was in the hospital recovering for weeks. he was charged with attempted murder. i have never spoke to anyone about what K-- did to me or how it effect me watching him hurt my aunt.i felt a lot of guilt and shame over what he did to me. i still feel sick about it. about year ago my cousin told me how K-- sexually assaulted her. i confessed to her that i also had the same things happen to me too. that was the first time i had ever spoke to anyone about what happened to me. my aunt died in august of 2003 from alcohol abuse. i fear my mother is head down the same road...
i understand that its not that bad. i try not to let my passed effect me to much. i am happy person. i always try and keep a good out look on life. i have had panic attacks and anxiety ever since i was young. i am pretty sure that is a result of living thru such stressful scary situations when i was young and not being able to protect myself and not knowing a 100% of what was going on. i had a wonderful grandmother that i went and lived with. she is the reason i am the person i am today. i am very grateful for her.
i have learned that people in life will hurt you and that is out of our control, but if you let them continue hurting you when there no where near you, thru bad memories and guilty feelings that is in your control. don't let them keep hurting you. everyone can rise above. at least that is what i believe. i am 22 years old now and i am looking forward to the future.
thank you for letting me share my story.




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Child Abuse Story From Modi About My Nanny

by Modi
(United Arab Emerites)

My child's nanny thretned her by saying I will cut your hands , I will cut your fingers!! I heard her .. My child is 3 years old and she has taken a toy thats not hers then the nanny yelled at her by saying its not yours , I will vut your hands and she grabbed a knofe kitchen and brought it at my child's wrist,,, I am shocked , i dont know what is the next step!!! How will I deal with it , as she is a good lady but what i saw was a. Shock !!!! i talked to the nanny she said she doesn't mean it , its a way to let her behave...




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Child Abuse Story From Rosa

by Rosa
(North Carolina, USA)

Rather long story, but here goes. My abuse came in many forms, a lot of it was verbal from my mother when I was a kid. At this time in my life my father wasnt really around much. They divorced when I was 2. On his weekends usually I went to my grandmothers. It did not bother me then. He never beat me, and up until I was a teenager he never yelled at me. But there was a demon in him I had yet to see. I suppose as a child I suffered a bit...Both my parents remarried, then divorced (both stepdad and stepmom were verbally abusive and jealous of me) and then my dad remarried and my mom did so a few years later. Around the time I was 15 is when my baby sister passed away. Her name was R--- and I found her dead one morning before school. I believe this is the landmark when everything went downhill. That following august was my first time in high school. I was a white girl who hung around with the black kids and this made my stepmom very angry. She told me that it was wrong and I was not allowed to be friends with them and NOT to date a black guy. We use to argue a lot after I had moved in with them, she would record my phone calls, ban me from using the computer, take my car away..anything and everything that she had the POWER to do, she did it. While living with my dad and stepmom she decided that since I came from a 'broken home' that I have mental issues and should be put on medications. She called a friend of hers and OVER THE PHONE had this doctor prescribe me with Zoloft. I never even saw the Dr for this. She use to shove them down my throat every morning before school. When my mother would call me I wouldnt remember talking to her because I was so doped up on meds. I could see right through this woman. She hated me. The look on her face was apparent to me but not my dad or his family. They all believed her lies about me, that I was a w***e and I was sleeping with all these guys and that I was a terrible liar. When I was 17 she tried to put me in a foster home and they would not accept me because I was nearing my 18th bday. Soon after that she made me quit school because she didnt like that I still had friends of color. I never understood her reasoning and dont to this day. Anything she told my dad, he believed that she knew best so he just did whatever she said. I was a terrible person, I hated my family and I used people. Thats what she said about me. She quit her job years before this and said that it was my fault...I tore her nerves up and she just couldnt take it anymore. She blamed me for many things. She blamed me for messing up her old computer, she blamed me for ruining my family and breaking my dads heart and everyone else. All this started because of something so insignificant. What I did not know, was that my dad had a lot of mental problems and sadly 2 years ago I found out. When I was 19 I had to move back in with my dad after some very bad things happened to me. 2 weeks later my stepmom and dad took me to a homeless shelter with one suitcase and dropped me off and left me. In the 2 years after this many other things happened to me. I got in an abusive relationship with a heavy crack user and alcoholic. I finally got away and moved to another state with my uncle, only to find out when I got there he was a raging alcoholic and meth user. It just never fails. It seemed like no matter who or what I turn to, I am having to deal with some kind of abuse. Mostly verbal/emotional, and then physical from my AIDS infested uncle. When he hit me I called my dad at 1AM and he drove 10 hours to come get me. Once again, 21 years old, I was back with these 2 again. 2 weeks after being there she told me she was leaving my dad and that he and I were moving to my grandmothers until we had somewhere to live. Things with my dad got weird for me when we went out to eat and he was talking to me about pornography. He and I never were close and didnt talk a lot. It really bothered me what he was saying and made me feel scared. I told him I was his daughter and didnt want him to talk to me like that. So he stopped. After we moved in together though, things got weirder. He would be up at 11pm shooting guns out the back door and stomping through the house. One time he cooked an entire dozen eggs and put sausage and other things in them....He brought the entire plate to my door and I told him I did not want it. After he walked away yelling at me about how he was doing something nice for me, he threw the plate in the floor and left it there for me to clean up. I remember being on my hands and knees in the kitchen floor scrubbing the eggs and grease up while he stood over me making me cry because he said I was a hateful person. Since I have lived here, 2 years now, I cook his dinner and clean the house and look out for him because he seems unable to do so. He started bringing known heavy drug users to the house and I would just lock myself in my room and block the door with a chair(I have been doing this a while). He was smoking crack, and abusing his pain pills. He doesnt work anymore so he is always here, just moping around. Whnever something happens that doesnt go his way its my fault. I cannot even write here, everything that really happened, because I have not the time. I am moving out in 2 days. He is angry with me about it. Tonight he was going through withdrawls and I had to drive and get him from the hospital. When we got back it was worse. I ended up crying, as usual because its my fault his 'life has been s**t the past 2 years' and because I lock myself in my room because I am afraid of him. He scares me. I feel like, he would just snap and kill me or rape me. I mean I really feel scared. He use to beat my mother and I have a scar on my head where he went to punch her once and hit me instead, busted my head open. He was an alcoholic and now he is a heroin addict. What really freaked me out tonight was during his weird mental issue and the withdrawl, he started talking about how lonely he is and how he needed intimacy and wanted me to sit next to him so he could hug me. I dont hug my dad. I havent hugged him in years Id say. It scared me. I felt uncomfortable. I kept saying to him I am your CHILD, your DAUGHTER, trying to let him know that he cannot think of me that way. He started cussing at me and then he sat there and took his shirt off. I finally just had enough and walked away. I know I am leaving this terror here and I am happy about this, but these last 2 days I feel like I have this block on my shoulders all this stress and being scared here and not only that but I love my dad. I DO care what happens to him, even after all the things he did to me, after him choosing another woman over me after all the abuse. BUt I dont think I will ever NOT be scared of him. I am considering writing my entire story one day when I find some time. But, I am 24 years old now, with a steady boyfriend and enrolled full time in college about to start my life again in a new place. Just hope I make it through these next 2 days and the weight will be lifted and maybe my dad will get some help he needs.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Lucia For a Friend

by Lucia
(USA)

This friend of mine is very young, not even twelve yet. Her mother drinks a lot of alcohol and wine in particular. She has thrown my friend across the room before, called her annoying when she is around, and I suspect has cut her in the leg with a razor. If you met her, you could never even tell that she is abused, for she is so clever at disguising her pain.

Her mother has abused her for years, and it has gotten worse. Many times, I will be talking to her on the phone or online, and her mother will force her off, or she won't get to do anything unless she picks up her room, she's not allowed to have snacks at all, and she has started eating lots of food, and I suspect that's her way of handling the situation, but it doesn't help matters.

I am worried about her very much. I don't even know if I can help her, but I want to very much because she's a dear friend, and I'd hate to lose her.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Priya

by Priya
(New Delhi, India)

Just when I was about 8years old and we had a Lot of servants and my parents used to fight a lot not because they did not love each other bit they were going through a bad phase otherwise they are great together and love each other but at that time things were hard and my servant violated me and did unimaginable things..I was so innocent that time that I din know how babies were made and used to think kissing could make someone pregnant..haha..that's how innocent I was and my innocence was taken away..and now when I am 22yrs old I have found the courage to accept it and tell my mom and seek help and get therapy but am going a very bad phase in my life..that one monster changed my life so much..I just wish if things could be different..I never told my parents before as things were already tensed between them..and after that I am scared of being with anyone .
Am losing the will to do anything..nothing gives me joy..
P.s.-am too embarrassed to give in all the details.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Me

by Me
(Grenada)

my mother is single and always finds her own special way to fustrate,embarass, annoy,taunt me, and deprive me of fun and other childly processes. when we do get along i keep the pain that i go through on a daily basis that nearly lead me to soucide twice and the thought many others(even as i am typing)in the back of my mind. i can not take it any longer. it truly hurts. councelors didnt help family members look at it from her views and treat me like a savaged beast when i get annoyed. sticking fingers in my face, shouting hitting me in imy face,my head ,my ribs and anything else convenient to them. all i can do is take it as it is and get fustrated. she curses me on a basis of every 2 days usually and treats other children better than me. really it is so frightening that i am afraid to see how my immediate family and i would get along 10 years from now. i enjoy time around my 3rd cousins more than my immediate family. it is because she is single that she takes out her stress on me.




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Child Abuse Story From Alchemy

by Alchemy
(Pennsylvania, USA)

Ever since I can remember my father abused me physically and sexually. One day when I was thirteen I disfigured a kid my age with a deadly weapon. I was sent to a juvenile detention center for three years. The guard at the juvenile detention center sexually abused me as well. Whenever it was breakfast, lunch or dinner time he made me perform sexual acts for food. I finally got out of the juvenile detention center a month ago and reported my father and the guard. I was sent to a group home for the night and a foster family picked me up in the morning. I am now in therapy and the nightmares I had at my father's and the juvenile detention center have stopped. I still have flashbacks and many fears, even of my own foster parents, but I'm trying my hardest to forget.




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Child Abuse Story From Gerry B

by Gerry
(Ireland)

i am a 51 year old man i was abused pyschicaly by my father and mother i was also verbally and emotionally abused i was sexually abused by 3 different men i grew up with no self esteem or confidence i am a very goodlooking man i am told by pepole but yet i have not been in many relationships because i never felt good enough i have some good talents i am good at music and writing and i am told i have a great sense of humour i am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic i am in theraphy i find the pain of recovery horrendous deep depression anxitey and terrible fear but i do hope it will lift i find recovery is the hardest thing i have ever done it is a very lonely place and confusing i have much confusion about my sexuality i dont know wheter i am gay straight bi or trans despite all this i have hope of a good life




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Child Abuse Story From Kami

by Kami
(USA)

I Will Always Feel Weird Inside, I Will Always Be Afraid: 
I am not alright, I'm not ok, I'm never gonna be and don't think I haven't tried. It's taken years for me to understand this fact and longer still to understand why. I continue to be a work in progress and continue to surprise myself that I even care!

I was ill-used by every male I had contact with throughout my childhood. It seemed I was put on this earth for the sexual use and enjoyment of the opposite sex. I came to know that this is how men are. It just is. This wasn't a belief I had, like believing in the tooth fairy, or Santa Claus. This was/is a deeply ingrained truth I had/have, like I'm a girl with brown eyes and hair and, given the choice and the opportunity, ALL men will try to take something from me. I was desperate for the love and attention from a man like I saw on TV and imagined they were somewhere, but I looked extensively and time and again I was abused by the very object of my obsession.

By the age of 10, three men were/had been regularly feeling okay having me perform oral sex on them -something I hated but tolerated with the thought they would love me more. My father, step-father and step-brother(all grown). I'd also had a friend's older brother try something during a sleep over(probably the more normal of my many experience's)

By 11, I was placed in foster care with gonorrhea of the mouth and my story had barely begun.




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Child Abuse Story From Lucy

by Lucy
(USA)

I didn't know that there were others like me who have suffered the same thing. My mother always told me that all the memories I had of her threatening me, mistreating me, and harassing me simply weren't true. I always believed her words, because as a young child, one is quite impressionable.

However, my parents split up when I was very young. My father just took off one day and I never heard from him for three years. He still cares for me, though. My mother took out all her resentment and anger about this on me and my siblings. I was the youngest, so I became the scapegoat for everything.

My siblings would often make fun of me and laugh at me behind my back and ridicule my interests, and my mother would turn a blind eye to it all. My mother is an extremely strict person who thinks that people do not cry.

If I cried at all during the time she was scolding me, she'd mock me for it and tell me to stop making it up. She would take her scolding to extreme instances, where if I dropped anything, it was always on purpose, instead of a mistake. If I didn't do what I was supposed to, she would threaten to throw my things out of my room, and yelled at the slightest thing I did wrong.

She constantly told lies about my father in order to get me to turn against him, which I didn't believe for an instant. She has never let me hug her or say I love her, and when I try to tell her how important it is for mothers to treat their children with love, she dismisses that as nonsense. She hates hearing about my hobbies and frequently tells me I'm annoying and that I should shut up.

My grandmother was even worse. One time I broke an heirloom of theirs, and they yelled and yelled at me and started ignoring me when I broke down in tears and apologized. That's one of their tactics they'll use if I start crying-they'll ignore me and keep on talking, and my mother will twist everything around in order to make it fit her style.




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Child Abuse Story From Danielle

by Danielle
(Tennessee, USA)

When I was 11 I was molested by my older couson who was 15 at the time. It started with him putting his hands on my privates. He would put his hands in my bathing suit in our uncles pool. I hated myself for not saying anything. I was a troubled child, my dad wasn't around so I got in trouble alot. I didn't think anyone would believe me so I didn't tell. I started lying and stealing. I just wanted my parents to pay attention to me and realize that there was something wrong. My mother and I never really got along and my father wasn't around. I hated my father for not protecting me from him. I felt like it was his job to watch over me and keep me safe and I felt like he didn't. I'm 23 years old and I have never told either one of my parents. I'm afraid that their perception of me will change. I used to cut myself because it took away from the mental and emotional pain. It has been 6 years since I last cut myself. I still have flashbacks and nightmares. Sometimes I hear or see something and it triggers them and I go into a depression and I shut down. I contemplate suicide so the pain will stop. I pray and ask GOD to help me. Right now I'm in a good place, no nightmares or flashbacks for awhile now.This is the first time that I am sharing all of the details of what happened to me and the aftermath. I hope that my story can help someone else in a similar situation. I'm in college to be a Social Worker. I hope to be able to help those who are less fortunate than me. I want to be the voice for those who can't/won't speak for themselves.




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Child Abuse Story From Wendy R

by Wendy R
(Location Undisclosed)

When hurt turns to hate: 
My story goes back to 1959. We were a picture perfect family sitting tallest to youngest in all pictures. Before we went to the grandmothers for Christmas we all got a beating with the belt, a reminder not to speak while we were there.

We were forbidden sweets(my dad after however never was) he would make us go in the car and pick up his hot pizza only to grab it out of our hands to eat it in the living room with mom.

His leather belt hit us fast and furiously , my brothers got his first. Years later when my then 50 year old brother took his own life he was living in an institution and hung himself with his bed sheet!!

I talked with his girlfriend she told me he was tormented by my father and thought he was going to find him and kill him. I also found out him and my other brother(also ended his own life at 35) were so scared of dad they HID upstairs with wood to hit him if he tryed to kill them.

Needless to say after all the sexual abuse ,physical abuse,mental abuse and whatever kind could of happened in that house it did . We had no beds blankets, curtains and worst of all no running water or flushing toilets.

I turned into a survivor and tryed to give my brother R-- a voice my mother lost her mind because I kept this all buried she said she hates me,I told her she never deserved me!!

Now that they are both sick I don't want to see them I just want them to go together.




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Child Abuse Story From Anna

by Anna
(Location Undisclosed)

I was 9 years I am now 23 with 3 children and married.And one thing I will never forget is what my own brother did to me. My parents had gone out to buy groceries and had left us under the care of my oldest brother he was at the age 17 or 18 at the moment.And he had this gameboy that man i loved to play when he wasnt home. But that day i asked him if i could borrow it and he said yes but i had to do something for him so i said ok.He then let me borow it and told me to lay down on my stomach which i did and he told me i could start playing the game and i did but then he got on top of me. Me being laying down on my stomach and him behind me,he then started rubbing on my behind which i felt ackward but i didnt do anything, i just stood there then he told me i could leave and i did. I remember as soon as my mother got home I right away told my mother because it just didnt feel right. But what it was even weirdis that my own mother told me not to tell no one or my father because he would "kill" him (meaning he would beat the hell out of him) and that he was alomst leaving to the army,which made me even more suspicious and that something wasnt right from what i had just told her. Later on that year in school they began to talk to us about sex. They explained to us what it was,also that if someone ever touched us without our permission is wasnt right and could go to jail.Right there it hit me that thats what my brother had done to me wasnt right,and knew why my mother did not want me to say anything which i never understood why she would do that to me,afterall i am her daughter too.So years went by and my mother started telling us about her life and how her and my dads life was.And my dad cheated on her several times before we were born,when my brother was born my dad didnt want nothing to do with him and it was like that until he turned 1 year my parents got together and we were born but i remember my dad was so hard on my brother all his childhood he would punish him when he get bad grades or misbehave,my mother also told us she was sexually abuse by her father and up to this day my grandmother doesnt know anything about that.So now that we were grown up my mom defends my brother so much like no other always telling my dad that he didnt love him before and that he always does everything for me and my sisters but not for him.So then it hit me again that was the reason she didnt do anything for me when i told her my situation because she didnt want to see her on in trouble.Even though she knew it wasnt right she never did anything to help me.And up to this date i ask myself why she would do that and i know listen to all this news about this situation and it kills me to know my mom never did anything.Theres days we watch on the news about children going through this and she just says "sick people they should be in jail" and inside of me i tell myself why she didnt do anything, ofcouse i still talk to him but inside of me i feel like i hate him and wonder if he remembers what he did to me.Also when my kids are around him i right away tell my kids to come into the room and i lock myself in there until i know hes gone out or we get out of the room but im on my kids back.(We currently live in my parents home due to tight budget,and my brother is visiting from out of state)Up until this day i remember it like it was yesterday andnow that i have my 2 daughters 7 being the oldest one i tell her to always tell me and never keep secrets from me,im just so scared for her to grow up in this evil world notknowing what is out there and even in our family like in my case.I recently told my husband a year ago and he supportive of it and also asked why my mom neve did nothing which i told him "i wish i knew" and also told me to tell my father which i couldnt possibly do because i love my dad soooo much i wouldnt want to hurt him and him being a diabetic and having all the stress he has i just couldnt,so i have been thinking about going to counseling but im scared aswell as much as my mother hurt me by not doing nothing im scared that if i say something she could get in trouble for not doing nothing about it.So im really worried but i know i need the help and i really want help from a counselor to see how can i deal with this because theres day that i cry myself to sleep having all those thoughts but then again i wouldnt want my mother to go to jail or something like that. I dont know what to do.




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Child Abuse Story From J

by J
(California, USA)

I went to a wedding last Saturday and was surprised by my sister there, now I'm having nightmares: 
I've had to sum up this story several times in real life because I have made the decision to not come in contact with my sister. Yet several times she has set up a surprise meeting with me. Long story short, my sister has had a pattern for as long as I can remember of flipping out, yelling angrily and incoherently and attacking and hurting me. I'm an adult with children of my own now but I found out not long after my daughter was born that my sister was still going to flip out and physically attack me even (maybe especially) in any vulnerable moment with no witnesses. I had an infection and a temperature when my daughter was born and when she called I picked up the phone to say how sick I suddenly was and my sister insisted I come over and as many conversations have gone with her she started suggesting (or demanding) a list of things I must do for or with her and I had to cut her short as I was feeling so ill and again it happened, the shouting and here she comes jumping at me to punch me and start a fight and I somehow managed to grab the baby carrier and get away with no more than a small bruise or two on my arm which was lucky as I was admitted to the hospital later that day after fainting and had to have surgery. The Doctor asked me, 'Did you get hurt during a fall or faint? You are all bruised up?' but I didn't give the real reason why was because of my sister punching and grabbing me. My sister would never talk about or admit anything ever happened. The few times I talked about it I feel no one believed me. I had been scared of her and threatened in childhood to never bring it up or tell anyone and for the most part I didn't and never do. After a few attacks (totally unprovoked, btw saying things like 'I understand you are angry' or similar does not diffuse her as she attacks suddenly and violently) over a year later I have a small baby, a son and at the end of a visit from her she attacked me again and as I was trying to get away and make some defensive blocking she was trying with all her might to continue punching me and I had scratches and bruises again and I decided to never talk to her again or see her or allow her to my house. But she manages to find out who my circle of friends are and somehow set me up and 'surprise' there she is at a party or a neighbors house, or like 2 days ago at this wedding I see it is her after almost jumping out of my skin to see there she is and seated next to me at the reception. All of the practiced things I try to think of to do in this situation (because it keeps coming up) go out the window and out of politeness to others and fear of a scene I do my academy award acting like nothing is wrong and walking on eggshells, I endure until I can make my escape. I spent the dinner with her wanting to talk to me while I'm feeling trapped and tricked and stalked and not having a good choice no matter what I do. I couldn't eat sitting there with her. As soon as she went on the dance floor I grabbed my purse and left without saying goodbye to anyone. I wish I knew what to do. It's been years now of me avoiding her enough to not be attacked but I do not voluntarily go where she is and yet I still have to deal with her. I wish I could get some help. I feel no one is helping me deal with this and I look crazy to be avoiding my sister and never really explaining it to anyone in an effective way. They don't know her, they are my friends and I'd rather not have to explain this. Obviously there is a lot more to my story but I think this was enough to give me a little bit of an outlet and maybe to let the reader know my situation. Thank you for this opportunity to share my story. -J




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Child Abuse Story From Anonymous70

by Name Undisclosed
(UK)

I cant remember a time when i wasn't abused, i stopped it happening when i was between 9 and 10 and it had been happening for years from as long as i can remember. I still remember what happened most times. A lot i dont remember but now and then i remember things. He moved the other side of the world to live with his mother about 8 years ago, and i saw him for the first time in 8 years January last year. It was such a scary experience, we all went out for dinner and i had to pretend nothing had happened, i turned around and he was there and my heart just stopped. I was so scared. i havent seen him since then and i hope i never have to see him again. im still experiencing problems and effects, a lot of the time when im with my boyfriend i wont let him touch me and its starting to ruin the relationship and i dont know what to do. he doesnt understand how this is effecting me even though i have told him many times before he just tries touching me anyway and it ends up in me crying. i love him so much, and a lot of the time he is there for me but most of the time he just doesnt understand and he carries on touching me until i let him. its really effecting me and i dont know how to handle it anymore. ive tried counceling, ive tried hypnotherapy nothing seems to work! none of my family know apart from my sister.




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Child Abuse Story From Davina

by Davina
(Texas, USA)

I never got the chance to grow up and experience what it was like to actually be a "kid". The word was so foreign to me throughout my childhood. I missed out on things that most kids got a chance to do in their lifetime...and it was because of the decisions my parents decided to follow through on that led to a chain reaction of events. The dominoes kept falling and it effected how my life turned out in the end. Growing up, I was the "nerd" in school but I was proud of that title, considering the fact that I was called so many foul names at home. I knew how to appreciate life from the micro things that one often overlooks when fully grown. Yet, my positive outlook towards the world soon changed when I realized the atrocities that were going on around me...especially when I was accused of crimes I never committed. My father had a real bent way of thinking, no one quite understood why he thought the things he thought or why he did the things he did. All that will ever remain truly clear is that he chose his path for not only him but my mother, brother, sister, and mine as well. He accused me of so many grotesque scenarios as well as my siblings/mother. He abused us not only emotionally but physically as well. There was no seizing the damage, no matter how hard we wished it away or prayed. Eventually it effected my mother's way of thinking, warping her mind in ways one couldn't possibly imagine. We did our best to survive off of the little income we had but his torture added on to the list of curses we felt could not be broken. By the time he was finished...he left us all scarred in one way another. It is believed I suffered the most trauma from the effect of all those years of living with that family. Though I have not seeked any psychiatric help since I have left the nightmare I relived every night,I wish to share my story in hopes of encouraging others out there that there is in fact hope. I went from being the well renown kid with a smile that left hearts full of warmth to the kid where no smile could be found in photographs. My father thought that people were constantly pursuing him and wished harm upon him...though in reality...it was only regular citizens going about their daily routines. A very superstitious man he was indeed..which goes for my mother as well. I was often late to class when I got to high school during my freshman year because they decided it would be best to take a different route because of black cats crossing the street..15 tardies was the result by the end of that year. Boy was I the lucky camper at school. Accusing me of being next to guys after school and then it got to the point of where I need not be seen by anyone, for I was automatically consulting with them about what went on at home. Accusing me of intercourse with my family along with my mother and brother. He had a lot of intellect and was awarded the "father of the year" inside most of my friend's minds throughout middle school. Oh how he knew how to conceal his wrong doings..strangling, kicking, punching, twisting, being pointed a gun at, the alcohol consumption..I never thought I would escape that hell hole. Yet..I met the one person that changed my life and gave me what I thought was to always remain unknown.."hope". After 2 cases of CPS, being put inside an insane asylum because my parents had accused me of being mentally ill, having my best friend die from a brain aneurism, and so much more...I finally escaped. Though I still suffer some left over torment..I found help..you just got to believe that you have the ability to leak the "secret". I went against my whole family...now I live with people who love me and don't neglect me as well. I made it through 16 years of living with the maelstrom at home..yet I survived it because I was strong. Don't think that you are weak because you told and your family continues to convince you otherwise..listen to your heart and follow your instinct. There's a million more details and descriptive events that occurred..but my intent has been fulfilled for I wish to raise awareness to those who feel they can not escape.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Ala

by Ala
(Canada)

iam 17 years old and i been sexually abused by the one person i thought i could trust, my step dad and this is my story.
my mom finily meet this amazing guy he was so nice he bought me every thing i wanted until one day every thing turned and my world was no longer in colours it was dark and gray,it started when i was about 4 or 5 i think my mom was at work and me and my step dad all ways playfight well it turned into him touching me in places that he had no right to be touching, he never abused me or hurt me it was weird i got this feeling that he was in love with me, it sared me alot, it went on for years finially i got the nerve to tell my mom after tellin my bestfriend, but what i was hopeing didt happen i thought my mom would hold me and tell me everything will be okay but no, she laughed at me and told me i was lieing because i didnt want him to be my dad, that night i cryed my self to sleep, but he did stop once i told one of my friends mom who is a cop but i relized he cant leave if he did me and my mom would be on the streets and plus as much as he made me mad for what he did i couldnt do that to my mom, my mom was so in love with him, my real father used to beat her and me so i was told but i dont remember, but any way when the cop came to my house i lied and sayed no. but this year in july him and my mom are getting married im happy for my mom but im still afraid to be alone with him, he might not touch me no more but he is really rude to me now, ya he still buys me stuff i want and gives in to me when im grounded, but he is really rude to me still, and now everything i do my brings up how that suoposly my step dad touhed me and it makes me mad and makes me wana hurt my mom cuz a mom is suopost to be there for u not keep reminding u that he did that to you and u lied about it i hate it when she does that well thats my story , srry about my spelling i cant speel and my grammer is not really good




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Child Abuse Story From Sarah

by Sarah
(New Jersey, USA)

im 10 years old and heres my story. I came to Florida to see my mom and my dad which i see when i have vacations. My fourteen year old cousin when it is night time he would always give me a look and kiss my lips i was scared that he might do something to me so i just kept kissing him cuz i was scared. Im a child who i hate my life because of one of my friend i invited over and she showed me a show about sex. I knew about sex since i was 9 years old and its disgusting and my friend makes me think of these stuff and she plays videos for me in the computer which is just disgusting i swear. So now i came back to New Jersey and i think 5 or 7 months later my cousin got in trouble and i saw him and when im sleeping and the lights are off he comes to my bed and he touches my private part and my bottom and he makes me touch his private part and kisses my lips. Im scared to tell my family because they might blame me and this secret is stuck. But imma tell. He touch my butt and he put me on top of him and told me to take me clothes off but i said no and he kissed me and put my private part on his but we had clothes on. I still hate this and im telling god and my family. Im trying not to get close to him and stuff and im making believe that he is not here until he leaves because i dont want to hear,smell, or talk to him and about him. I know that if i stop him when i grow up i will not be called a s**t and i will have someone to respect me and i will move on with positive things not negetive




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Child Abuse Story From S

by S
(United Kingdom)

10 YEARS OF AGE: 
It started 1989 the 2nd day after my sister was married to her middle age husbaed,there i was pack i,a tradition for into the car to my sisters new home,it was a tradition at muslim wedding houses the brides little sister or brother to company the bride.it started first night i was sent to bed with another girl and her older brother aged 13 and 15,due to non space we shared the double bed the sister in the middle.my first confused experience middle of the night i suddenly felt a warm hand on my body the girl,i moved it but then froze she was feeling me up,i felt wierd,i shrugged her away again later to realise the brother and sister were touching eachother not realising im awake able to sense this,i never felt all night confused was the word is that what is normal?is that normal between brother and sisters?i shrugged it off to later that evening we wer all invited to study arabic around the table by the groom older brother the sicko...yes the man the monster who turned me into a messed up teenager there he was preaching islamic studys sitting next to me the next thing i knew is he pulled me on his lap,to sit and read but suddenly i felt a hand under my dress feeling slowley touching me,it hurted thats all i remember him squeezing my tiny nipples,i felt sick inside i knew this was wrong,it had to be so i jumped up and said im feeling unwell,i ran upstairs and hid under my sisters bed,my sister was newley married i didnt know what to say how to say anything i was too shy and lost,but he came searching for me in her bedroom,new bride weres my little special sister he said in bengali,there you are come out the bed and before i knew it it started again,then down my trousers went his disgusting hand i hated the feeling,it was wrong and it hurt and i didnt like it 1 bit ,at that time abuse caried on 3 days 1 day i refused to read the islamic classes, becuse i became upset and angry in return my punishment was physical abuse from my own brother inlaw yes the new groom,he beated the hell out of me banging my face down the sink,punching me and kicking me like a ball and stamping me,all this happend according to my so called brother inlaw is disobeying his older brother in taking part in islamic studys,i wish i could scream and say your brothers rude,i hate him but i was too scared that no 1 will believe me becuse all i use to do is lie from a little age,and was worried no1 will believe me so i kept quiet.after that beating i vowed to run away next morning back to my family homes.hey i was suppose to be here 2 days but now it was over 5 days of the visit and they were keeping me longer and i was growing sick here,so i ran away next day back to my mother,but by the time it was evening my brother inlaw came down to take me back i cried to my mum and said he hit me i dont like it there she just brushed it off saying my sisters inlaws are educated family and chilren like us need to learn manners and respect elders wishes,she sent me back with my brother inlaw abuse went on from the first visit to many visits in this 2 years that followed,and if i refused his sexuaul desires i ended up with a smack,nobody even my own brother inlaw knew what i suffered in his brothers hand,then 1 day gd news came 1993 my sisters family were shifting to london.i was so happy the thought of that filthy old man far away from me,now i could be safe,a year passed by being a teenagers wasnt easy my family were strict with no fathers guidance my mom bought us 8 sisters and 2 brothers up alone,we had lots of fights amongst us brother and sisters.my mum and brother was over protected swore at us,never let us have freedom too strictley kept in,so we rebelled against their wishes,played up had crap education,didnt take school studys serious felt there was no real life for me to look forward to,beside nding up arrange marriage like my sisters,at the age of 15 i took overdose becuse i felt unloved always picked on by family,i just wanted there attentiont ,and sure did i make a wrong move becuse of my action i was sent to london yes in the hand of my abuser,yes he did try to sexually try to touch me seco hend day,but this time i shrugged him off and said no and swore at him told him wat a bas**** he was,and ran away from the room after that incident it ended with him ignoring me no talking and no fighting.i guess i git through to him i know his wrong.but abuse unfortunatley was happening to his own 19 years old daughter,i witnessed so many days of under the duvet abuse and seeing him walk in and out of his daughters room quietly ,and every time i run into see the daughter she was under the duvets crying,,,i did try to reach out to her but she denial and angry if i ever asked her,so i told my sister,abt his action with his daughter my sister listened and then qietly said this is his way of loving his daughter,you just stop interfering,i witnessed physiacal beating in that 6 months of being there,the wife and daughtrs suffered,then my time came i left as a stronger new person.after 2 years passed i had an arrange marriage aged 17 divorced by 19 single mum.mentailly and physical abuse from inlaws and husband.but i walked out of it,never let my own family take contro; over my life again i vowed,now i was a mother and i wasnt a child anymore,and i didnt need people telling me wats right and wrong for me,family did anough damage,so hthere i was a single mum met a few men then met a new bloke who it didnt work out with.yes it was verbal abuses and emotional,i felt he was my whole world until he left me after 6 years.becuse his family felt he was too gd to be with a divorced single mum yes thats the only reason he left me,so then i came back to my family after the news of losing my father and brother,and from there i met my love yes my first ever love 5 years younger than me.with my whole family disaproving but with his parents wish we suffered a lot of hate and pains,today to cut story short after many small financial ups and downs or fight wer still happy with 4 boys,and a easy life with no physical or mental abuse,just the odd argument every couples have,but im very happyily married blessed with my 4 boys.and im greatful for what i have today,even though i have mental health issues depression abt flashbacks from past history,which has left a large impact on my life today horrible memmories




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Child Abuse Story From Sierra

by Sierra
(Virginia, USA)

I always thought there was something odd about my step dad. When I was 8 years old he started to rape me and make me watch and search porn with him. I never felt safe around him. the first time he raped me I was in a dead sleep and got woke up by him on top of me i felt like he was crushing me. I layed there and let him finish he left my room i cried my self back to sleep. He would always wait till my mom would leave or was asleep to do anything to me. He raped me every night till i was 12 years old.and hes drinking had got so bad that he started beating me and shoving me.it would get so bad that i was fighting for my life on some nights. and when i started high school i met a guy i thought he was nice we started dating, then it started again he ended up raping me every weekend for 6 months till he got put in jail for drug charges it took me months to try to get over it. And i was always a nice girl very friendly to everyone and i never new why this happend to me. i started to be nice to a new kid to the school and he took it the wrong way he grabbed me on me way to lunch and draged me to a empty class room and tried to rape me i somehow got away be for he could a few hours latter he flowed me to me next class and tried to chock me to death but a few kids walked out of the class and scared him a way. when i got home my mom was chewing me a new one over something and i went off on her about what happend at school that day. that kid ended up stocking me for 2 years after that he would flow my bus and watch me get off at home. I never told my mom what my step dad did to me im scared to. im now 21 and it all still bothers me every day.




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Child Abuse Story From Lauren

by Lauren
(England)

I am 23 years old and I live in London. Im going to tell you some things that may be disturbing or you may not believe me and think I am lying but I am not lying I have been through traumatic experiences throughout my whole life since a young age seeing my father and mother arguing,partying,fighting,having friends over for partys,seeing there friends fighting and being violent towards each other.seeing my father hit my mother even tried to take his own life.i remeber him slashing my mum across the face with a knife because she found out he cheated on her.my father never contributed to any expenses through out my life not even a penny for school,food clothes nothing.he left my mother i was just 2years old.he met another woman and at the age of 46 died in a motorbike accident in London.

I want to tell you about when I was 12 I was in year 7 at school doing gymnastics and enjoying life with my sister and my mum!....my mother invited a man over in to our home after knowing him for 2weeks he was around age 25 years old.he came across like he was in charge of this house and made me feel very uncompfortable. as the years went by he became very controlling over everyone he would shouting calling me names like b***h,w***e,slag and a f***ing c*** everyday smoke weed everyday and drank alcohol after hes day job at a club.I remember him trying to turn my sisters against me and told my mum to kick me out of the house at age 15.I was doing well in school but could not concentrate because of the abuse I was receiving at home.he has kicked me pushed me to the floor and put he's fist in my face to punch me.he would throw water in my face and spit at me.my mother saw all of this but ignored it and said he can change I will get him help.I wanted to leave home and kill my self he would say I will give you money to leave and encourage me go take my own life.my mum still didn't care .I know you probably think I'm lying but I don't need to lie the truth needs to be told.this went on for 5years.no one to turn to no one would believe me and he had made out that I am reckless and bad.I am a child .no one taught me from right to wrong because my mother was more interested in what her man an is upto and I only learnt from what I had seen my parents do.my mum trys to be innocent in this all she had to do was tell the man to leave or put me and my sister up for adoption.no children should have to experience this. She has made me out to be such a evil person to hide what she has done.she knows that its wrong and will still turn everyone against me to cover up for her boyfriend. He made my mum throw me out at age 14 on the streets and I went into a hostel.I met lots of drug addicts alcoholics etc.I became an alcoholic for 3years I was so depressed had no one.

I have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress by my doctor and depression i am now having therapy over this and trying to get over the abuse I've had.im not telling you this for sympathy I just wanted people to know more about me and how ive lived my life. I want to become a police officer but I need to go to college for English lessons. I would like counselling for my depression and anxiety attacks that has stopped me from working but I have no money. I am 23 years old  i have no mother or father to turn to for even advice and support or just to be loved and looked after.hope you had a merry Xmas and a happy new year remember god is always with us even the people that sin and do wrong he has given me the strength to write this letter.




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Child Abuse Story From Chaos

by Chaos
(Location Undisclosed)

K-- bloodied my nose, not that he intended too but he did. Kicked a football which hit me square in the face. We had just moved next door and i was in the garden. K--'s dad was all over me asking if i was okay when my dad walk in the gate, (football) he will live through it. Me and K-- became great friends even though i was 9 and he was 14. Maybe it was one of those wierd situations were i finaly found a friend.
I know K-- notice the bruises but i always made excuses and i think he always beleived me. I was 13 before the services got involved. K-- finally told his dad because he thought being 18 meant he would no longer be there for me.
I was in care for 1 year and K--'s parents asked if i wanted to live with them.
K-- is the only brother i have ever known not because we never grew up together but because a football hit me in the face.




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Child Abuse Story From Jess

by Jess
(Connecticut, USA)

I was never sexual abused and rarely physically abused, I was psychological tormented. Many people have discounted my suffering and my story because there are no scars that can be seen caused by my parents. They deny it and throw the blame back on me, and that in itself is part of them continuing to manipulate me.

I never felt wanted and that I was an inconvenience. However, my younger sister could do no wrong and was treated like a princess while I was denied not only material things that she got, but the love and acceptance too.

I remember the first time I felt fat and ugly, I was 10. My mother constantly complimenting my sister's appearance and everything she did, while putting me down for everything. I had gotten a lead role in my 6th grade play and was so proud of myself because everyone thought I had a great singing voice.

My parents had to supply the costume, but refused to buy me new pants. Were money an issue I would not have cared, but these people are very wealthy, and my sister got new gymnastic leotards all the time. SO I was forced to squeeze into a pair of pants way too small. My mother screaming at me to suck in my gut pulling on me and the pants and she did make them fit. She then told me that I don't sing well I sing loud.

Nothing I did was good enough and I thought if I were perfect maybe they would love me. Anorexia is said to be a striving for perfection. By the time I was 16 years old I had been hospitalized for it 3 times, weighing 75 pounds each time I went in. I was finally removed from my parents house and put in a group home.

I did well for months until I started to date someone who was mean to me. I accepted it because that was all I knew. Within 3 months of dating him I was back down to 80 pounds. We went out to dinner one night and ran into his ex girlfriend and he was so excited to see her. I went into the bathroom, I had brought an entire bottle of Tylenol with me, and to this day I don't know why. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw an eating disordered, drug addict (I had started using drugs shortly after dating him) and that no one loved me and no one ever would, my own parents didn't even want me. I took the whole bottle.

I woke up 9 days later from a coma having received a liver transplant. You would think maybe my mother would be nice to me, simply happy I was alive, but no. My boyfriend was there too, and he was a jerk too. My mother told me he didn't love me and was there out of guilt and now no man would ever want me. I was in so much pain from the surgery and she tried to get them to put saline solution in my morphine drip because I didn't need it. I was getting yelled at and called a b***h for crying from the pain.

Every time I try to explain in one way or another how I was tormented, made to feel worthless and fat and ugly I get told its my imagination and that I am mentally ill.

Yes I am mentally ill, I have borderline personality disorder, which is just like PTSD, but not from one horrible incident but from constant insults among other things when I was a child. This is not my opinion, its the psychiatric communities. There has even been a proposal to change the name of BPD to C-PTSD, c meaning complex, implying the above abuse.

There is so much more I could write, I have years of stuff, but I have written enough. I have cut ties with my parents and I am on my way to recovery.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Ashley For My Baby Sister

by Ashley
(California, USA)

My little sister (step sister) is 8 years old and is being mentally and emotionally, and possibly physically abused. My step father shares custody with his ex wife and they have two children together, N--, who is 8, and R-- who is 6. Their mother has a boyfriend who is violent in the home that he stays in with the children. He fights with their mother constantly and screams at the children all the time. Nalani has told us that it has gotten physical between the boyfriend and her mom. She is terrified of this man, she doesn't want to go to her moms and she writes in a journal and some of her entrys bring me to tears. She can't sleep at night when she is there and she crys all the time. Her mother doesn't care that her daughter has these feels about the boyfriend. We are terrified that he may be molesting her or hurting her in some way. The sheriff won't do anything about it and we have reported it to CPS but they haven't come out to check on N-- yet. We are afraid of getting a call one day saying that he has done something to N-- and we will be too late. She begs us to help her and crys and pleads us to not make her go there, the Sheriff thinks she is making it up or someone is coaching her but an 8 year old can't fake these emotions. We don't know where else to turn.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Skyler

by Skyler
(Location Undisclosed)

It started as a young age but I will say what happened recently in the last year or so. Today I woke up knowing it would be a bad day but I didn't think this bad. I came home from school (I'm A fifteen year old male) and did my usual stuff of eating and homework and everything else I usually do. Well since it is winter my dad gets home earlier from work and today he got home around five. We were all sitting around the computer, me my dad and nine year old sister. My older sister was downstairs and my mom was vacuuming by us. My sister and I were talking about Christmas. She said something about Black Friday, trying to rub it in that I didn't go after asking for five years and she asks once and gets to go and I still haven't. I got mad at her and told my dad how unfair he was for taking her after I've asked for so long. He stared into the computer screen and didn't listen. I kept saying it wasn't fair and they treat us differently cause they always tell me how they treat us the same. Well he was getting mad at me and was saying "shut the f*** up you little f***ing p***y" and "go downstairs you c***". I told him to stop talking to me like that and he turns around and starts pretending to hit my face. He did this two times and on the third time he actually hits me. I was mad and hit him back because I decided that I'm not putting up with him anymore because he has hit me many other times. I then jumped up after I hit him knowing I was in for it. I got up and tried running but he was quick and was already up by the time I was up blocking the way out of the living room. I went to the couch. He came and sat on me. All 200 pounds of him on my 120 pound body. He then hit me over and over five or six times. He then tried to take my phone which I wasn't going to give him because I didn't think I deserved to lose it. He then hit me again and my mom came over then thinking that I deserve to lose it so she started helping him. They made me go downstairs to my room which I would've if they gave me my phone back but they said no and that I'm never going to give it back and all my presents for christmas are going back and then with the left over money they have from returning my presents they are buying my sisters more presents. That made me even more mad. I went to my room and slammed the door three times because I lost everything because he hit me. I've never been so mad in my life. My mom came down a few minutes later telling me they are sending me away because no one loves me here and they all want me gone. I didn't care anymore. They've told me this all the time so I knew they all hate me. So I just sat inside my room waiting for whoever was going to come to come. He never did. I went upstairs and asked when this person was coming to save me. My mom told me he isn't because she stopped my dad. I knew they never even called but age said I am going to a psychiatrist because I have a problem. This all happened tonight.
Many other things have happened recently including but not limited to:
My dad trying to throw me down the stairs
My mom pushing me down in the closet kicking me over and over
My sisters both kicking, scratching, hitting me but I do nothing back and still it's my fault?
My dad not letting me do my homework because he is to busy with PS3 In my room. He plays until every night until 11 not letting me go to sleep.
Getting called a "b***h" a "c***" a "p***y" an "a**hole" a "d**k" and just about any other name you can think of.
I have been kicked and punched by my dad.
My dad has been trying to shut the garage door while I was outside in the 10 degree weather in a T-shirt.
He has locked me out of the house in the cold.
My dad has told my sisters its okay if they hit me
My whole family somehow twists it around so it's my fault
My mom has left scars on my hands from her nails while she pinched me.
My parents think they know everything about me but they don't. They don't know anything. I try to talk to them but no one ever listens to me.
My sisters get away with everything. One time my older sister was on the computer I bought that I saved up for all summer. She was slamming thing on it and I told her to stop slamming it and I needed MY computer to do homework. She decided to get up and kick me square in the stomach while pinching me and scratching my arms. My dad was in there the whole time and saw the whole thing. I asked if he was going to get mad at her for attacking me. He said no because I deserved it. But if I would've done that to either of my sisters I would've gotten hit by my parents and lost everything. I get abused every way possible.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Merenia

by Merenia
(New Zealand)

Growing up in a small town, where every1 knew every1 and pretty much everything it was hard to get away, runaway and to just escape. My Dad was very strict, 'Old School' methods and yes my mum, sister and I would get the 'Beat down'. Mainly mum and myself.Every1 knew Dad was a violent man and mum would do anything to try keep him happy by making sure we were out of sight,quiet,clean, our house chores done etc etc. And because of that they both didn't realize that family members and friends were sexually abusing me. I know I was very young when it first happened,not sure exactly what age. I can remember a few times but I've blocked out quite a few more.I can remember more of what happened after.I remember as an 8-9yr old going to the bathroom, my older cousin came in and pushed me up against the wall and took me from behind. As he was doing this he'd be whispering " u tell anyone and I'l smash u" and in the same breathe"your'e my special cousin". I just froze and cried. He would do this several times.Another time I was asleep, my lil sister not far from me in her bed, I heard the floor creeping and saw a family friend going towards my lil sis.This particular person had already touched me a few times and now wanted my lil sis. I wasn't gna let that happen. So I sat up,looked at him with a fear and opened my blanket. As long as I protected my lil sister. Another time in broad daylight, mum and dad were busy at the back of the shop we used to own, my aunt was looking after the shop floor. Another family friend bought me an ice-block and told me to sit on his lap, I said i don't want to, he grabbed me unzipped his fly pulled my knickers down a bit from under my dress and......it didn't penetrate me,he just wanted his thing to touch my thing I guess.
One day at high school.I was 13 going on2 14,we had a reliever teacher and she gave us a piece of paper and asked us to write down what we want to be when we grow older and if we had any regrets. She said don't worry you don't have to put your name on it,know 1 will know its you. So I wrote,"I want to be a Police woman, to protect the innocent and I regret being molested". We handed back the piece of paper and carried on with the class. I felt so good been able to tell some1 without actually telling them,I felt a lil relief. the bell rang,we headed out of class. The teacher asked me to stay behind. I was so scared,I thought What have I done wrong, she knows it was me, oh no wat do I do.! I eyes started to well up, I was trying to fight it. She asked me," what do you mean molested?" I just jumped down her throat yelling," How did ya know, you liar you said no1 would be able to tell if it was me,I didn't say that I didn't,How did ya know?" she just grabbed me and held me saying, " you're safe now, you're safe, No1 will hurt you anymore".I just screamed and screamed,cried and cried,yelled and yelled with mixed emotions. Im free Im free,wat will dad do? Ive f***ed it all up,people will know,what have I done,WHAT HAVE I DONE!!




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Yessica

by Yessica
(Texas, USA)

I've had emotional abuse by my mother, which contributed to my sexual abuse. Ever since I was young, I've craved my mother's attention. She never hugged me, unless it was special ocations, she always treated me in a mean and hurtful way. I always cried to my counselors about knowing my mom din't love me. She always put men before us. I was 5 when her boyfriend began to beat us up. He would throw me & my younger sister against the wall, & punch us & hit us multiple times. He then began to make us masturbate him..we din't know at the time what he was doing. One day my momcame from work, & our face was all bruised up. She got mad and started to scream at him, which ended in him physically abusing her too. She brouke up with him, btu went back with him later. He stopped abusing us but he absued her. She brouke up with him, & met another boyfriend. My little brothers dad. I would cuddle with this man because i tought he was nice, but he took it the wrong way I guess. He started kissing me...& touching my privates parts..he tried to rape me, & my younger sisters as well. I think he fingered me..Over time my brain has chosen to delete that part of my life, so I dont remember much. The man went to jail for illegal reason, & I felt safe to tell my mother about this. She proceeeded to ask me the size of his penis, I answered incorrectly, being a child. & She asked him about it trough letters & he dienied the whole thing. She made me write him a letter saying i forgive him, & he can come live back with us. This hurt me so much..after I cought my father feeling on me once, I also found out my father raped my older sister. My older brother used to play games with us,on which he ended up humping us. It din't seem right but i think i developed a crush on him. He dint live with us so we only saw him on school vacations. Well, I started having sex at 12. With my boyfriend at the time.I dont know why, i started getting aroused easily.. Now I am 16 & I have a baby. My baby loves her dad, she always run happily to him & she never wants to leave when he drops her off. But recently, she dosent want leave with him. Shes 2. I know its her dad, but I cant help to have all these terrible toughts come to mind. I cry about it when I let her go, I think all these terrible things that could be happenin, & then the feeling of what i felt and memories refresh on my mind. Its horrible Im terrified that her dad could be hurting my baby. I dont know what to think or do.I want this pain and memories to go away. I dont know who to talk to, im so alone on this. I feel like nobody will understand me. I wanna cry in school but I fight it very hard.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Jessy

by Jessy
(USA)

Stop blaming the incident! 
When I went in to 6th grade, middle school, I met this girl, whos sister was on my soft ball team, after a while we became like sisters I was always at there house, but then we started having sleep overs, there parents were child hood friends of my parents, her dad an my dad, were friends because both of our familes are powerfull, but then as I sleep over at her house her father started touching me, in wrong a wierd ways, this went on for 3 years, it got really strong in 8th grade, but I was at a sleep over for my friend it was the last day of school and this was her birthday sleep over, I went upstairs with her sister to sleep in her room, I was sleeping all ready and soo was she, and her little brother that shares a room with her, but late at night the whole house a sleep, he came in woke me up and whispered in my ear something disgusting then just left, now I am the type of girl that never cries but that stamnet did make me water up, the next day my mom picked me up early because we were going on vacation to jersey shore, and in the car we were talking about how crazy he was and then she said, "ok, ya, just tell me if he ever touches you" and I said, "well, he sorta dous" and then we solved it, they would back of, they all still think I need help, I dont, I dont really care, I just want to for get about, they ante letting that happen, my dad asked "you beat the crap out of a guy that looks at you wrong, why not him" "I said I dont know"but I don know, I just liked the complment he gave me, and Im not angrey all the time because of the incident, I have anger issues, that cant be solved, an when I hit my brrother I have a good reason, he started his crap an hit me first, so Idont go crying when hits me, thats just a cause he cant hit or fight, I hate it how every one thinks every thing Ido is cause of the incident, when this is jsut me!




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Child Abuse Story From FW

by FW
(Location Undisclosed)

How could a mom and our step dad beat us for petting their puppies.? when the school found the bruises and arrested our step father we were imprisoned. My sister age 9 and me age 8 were locked in our bedroom with out any stimuli- toys, talking, tv, sunlight ect. For a month. We were allowed to come out and cook, eat and clean without talking. We sucked hickies on our arms to not go crazy. Every summer we went to be with out bio father- a child molester. That was the only summer we did not get to go and be molested which was always so much better than living with these terrorists. I am now 46 and can't seem to have a relationship with a man. I have done so much for everyone so they would love me and I have been defeated and devastated every time. I have forgiven everyone who has hurt me hoping they will eventually love me. It's never happened. I am alone and depressed and wonder how can I fix this so very painful part of my childhood.




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Child Abuse Story From Martin B

by Martin B
(England)

A LETTER TO MY ABUSER: 
Mother: I will shortly be going into hospital and I consider the time has come for me to put pen to paper and state exactly what I think of you as a mother. Stop sitting there hiding behind your illness and frailty and face up to the truth, You are in complete denial to what you have done throughout your life to those who loved and thought a lot of you. This is to let you know how I, your son, feel about you. It is time for you to face up to the truth if you are honourable enough. Let's face it you have never been maternal towards me, I was a mistake and I have had to pay for it all my life.

I think of how you abused other people such as a poor mentally impaired man who happened to unfortunately live next door to you for many years, any understanding of his condition was way beyond you.

You interfered with family members wills and last wishes, I’m thinking about an uncle’s last wish to be buried with his wife, instead you had him cremated. Adjusting my aunts will when you found out it didn’t suit your devices and I dare say there have been other interventions that I am not aware of.

Learning so late in my life through mental health issues and counselling that to be beaten by a copper stick and other articles that came to hand, to see you fight with dad, row constantly about family and work with him is not now termed as a good childhood environment, in fact it has been categorised as child abuse and cruelty. The rowing and fighting was very bad as I was going through my 11 plus and so of course has had a bearing on my future and education. I saw you both throw things and strike each other on so many occasions, these memories come back to me as flash backs now and have impacted on my own relationships and health

Members of my family and friends have told me that they often wondered how I survived the thrashings that they saw you mete out to me in my early years. With your own insecurity you intimidated dad in front of his friends, work colleagues and family on many occasions as you also did me, you were completely indifferent to my feelings when sending me to school in different coloured school uniform to that prescribed by the school even when I told you I was bullied and picked on by the teachers and children for being different. You put me in a jumble sale suit to be confirmed at the Cathedral, other clothing was picked from jumble, second hand toys became the norm and as for friendships with other kids, it was as and when you wanted or it suited.

I have suffered with a lack of social skills as a result of this throughout my life.

I started working at an early age to get money to buy things I wanted to because I would not get them any way other. I never had a new bicycle having to eventually make do with one of my granddads sit up and beg, so there was even more bullying from my peers.

I could never come home and tell you about anything as your mantra was for me to stand up for my self against the bullies. That is the main reason why I am writing this letter to you on dads and my behalf. Dad had a family but you made sure they never came near us. I do not know what sort of life my dad had before he died but I suspected you treated him as you always did, as long as you got your way on all matters including whether or not he could speak to me after you told him to put the phone down on me. I suspect that I have you to thank for not ever talking to my dad ever again. You always had the final word. One thing for sure was that he was far from being a well man towards his end. All I am glad was dad never went on to develop full blown illness because his life would have been hell as you never seemed to have any sympathy for him when he was feeling off colour.

I have never been able to get over the fact that you and dad never trusted me, it is probably the worst feeling ever especially when dad died I would always try to do my best for you but that never seemed good enough, in the end I felt used and mistrusted. It hurt when dad died and you would not have any mention of his son or the fact he was a granddad on the gravestone.

My marital partners have never been good enough although you have always made the most of their generosity of help when required. You have then turned round and been really nasty to them, accusing them of all sorts of acts, all totally unfounded or untrue but it seems just an excuse to cause trouble.

Your Grandchildren have both been treated really bad, you disowned them which again goes to show you never have wanted anything to do with them. You were asked to baby sit once but you told us if we have children then they are ours to look after. You have great grandchildren that know about you but you have shunned them.

Fortunately for you, it is deemed that too much time has passed for the abuse and cruelty to be legally processed and dad is not here to defend himself or remark on the cruelty you showed towards him as well as me. I joined the Armed Forces to get away as I was desperate to find a family who could accept me for who I was. I might just as well been adopted at birth for all the sympathy, support and help you have ever given when it has been wanted.

You were really nasty to my partner when she lost her mum and dad, that was evil and unnecessary, that’s what really finished it with me, it showed what a vicious and evil person you really were.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Ally

by Ally
(USA)

When I was three years old I was adopted from Guatemala city. Which should have been a happy new beginning for me. Which was far from the case.

When I was 5 years old my mom had to go on a business trip. She needed someone to watch my brother and I so she asked her brother (he lived in a different state) to come and watch us. That's when my life was forever changed.

For the two weeks my mom was out of town my uncle touched me and forced me to do the same to him. I was very uncomfortable and I started to cry because I didn't know how to react. I was young but could understand that what was happening wasn't right. Even though I knew it wasn't right I didn't understand it enough to talk to my mom about it. He would always tell me "we are not doing anything wrong".

When all the family would get together for holidays the sexual abuse would continue. My uncle would call me into his room and start sexually abusing me. Soon he started abusing my cousin (my mom's sister's daughter).

When I had turned eight we went to my uncle's house for a get together. He told me to go to his room like he had so many times before. Only this time when I went into his room I asked him "If you and I aren't doing anything wrong why cant other people be here?" my uncle walked over to me and back handed me and told me to "never again ask something like that". He then proceeded to molest me again.

A couple years had gone by and I hadn't seen my uncle. I finally felt like I was in a safe place and nothing like that would ever happen to me again. Little did I know that when I turned 13 the nightmare would happen again.

This time I was being molested by my older brother. Every once in a while he would come into my room and molest me. I would try and act like I was asleep even though I was terrified. This happened for about two years.

One day after a night of being molested I decided it was time to come out to my mom about everything that has happened. I told my mom I needed to tell her about something serious that had been happening to me for years.

When I finally had told my mom everything that had happened her response was "You are a liar how could you say such terrible things?" I couldn't stop crying and for another full year she didn't believed me.

After my brother had seen how suicidal and depressed I was he told my mom that I hadn't been lying. Only then did my mom believe me. I thought she would have done something like call the police or anything. But nothing ever happened.

Any time I have wanted to go and tell someone she has in multiple different ways told me it was my fault. I must have done something to deserve it. Those words have been like knives to my heart. Knowing she was the one person who was ever supposed to protect me and even she thinks it is my fault. Is more painful than being molested and hit. I am still to this day keeping these huge secrets.

I thought if I wrote my story on here maybe it would help me come to terms with all this.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Survivor

by Name Undisclosed
(Australia)

The first memory of my step grandfather was of him treating me special. He would tell me secrets and make me feel loved. I have now learned he was grooming me. For when I was 3 he followed me into the bathroom when I was wearing bathers and rubbed my vulva. He told me it was our little secret and that I was a good girl. Between the ages of 3 and 10 everytime he got me close enough and knew he could get away with it he would rub either my breasts or vulva. It didn't matter who was around if he could hide it under a table or with a hug he would and I was too stupid to even question him. I thought what he was doing made me special . I was 5 when I first lied it was for him. Even if it was just I lie by omission. By this time I had convinced myself I liked it and it was my secret so i shouldn't tell anyone.

When I was 8 he started come into the room I slept in when I spent the night. The first time I woke and he told me I had been such a good girl that I could have the 'lollypop'. Then he forced me to perform oral on him. I remember being terrified and feeling trapped as he sat on my chest. I couldn't move. Then he made me feel if I told anyone I would get into trouble so I didn't.

I lived at nana's house for 6 months just before I turned 10 and everytime he thought he could get away with it he would come into my room and rape me orally. After that first time I pretended I was asleep. I would try to imagine I was anywhere else. He never turned on the lights so he never saw the silent tears run down my cheek and if he ever felt them he didn't care.

Over the last 3 years I have learned of and talked to 3 other women he has done similar things 2. After talking to a cousin we told family members with mixed levels of belief though no one accused us of lying. We also went to the cops. 2 yrs ago he was charged and sent to jail for 12 months. But this causes mixed feelings for me as I still love him for all the good things he did for me when I was a child and I think I convinced myself that he what he did because he loved me because it made it easier to deal with.

As a result of the abuse I suffered by his hand I developed an eating disorder at age 7 that I managed to hide from the world cos by that time I was good at concealing things from people and making them believe everything was ok and nothing was wrong. During his court case I lost any control of it and was only a small step from being hospitalized

I also developed depression, with self harm and suicidal behaviors. But now I am on the road to healing I have an amazing support network of friends and family that don't push too hard but I know they are always there if I ever need anything.

I hate him for what he did to me and how he has made many of my family members feel. Sometimes I hate him more for the guilt he has caused my family to feel for what he did.

He is a bastard and a monster. The term human is one I can't use for him but he doesn't have any power over me anymore. I am a survivor and that is something he will never take from me.

Thank you for giving me somewhere to share my story for with people I know I can't describe all of what I think/feel because it can make them feel bad.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Rachel RL

by Rachel
(Location Undisclosed)

I just turned 19. I keep thinking that this pain should be over by now. The actual act of being thrust into hell, it should be over... but it isn't. it will never end. This is my f***ed up story, my f***ed up childhood.

I was 8, my dad left us, my brother was suicidal, my mom was oblivious. I wanted to be loved, SCRATCH THAT! i needed to be loved. So once my mom started bringing strange men home, my whole life fell apart.

The first time i was abused sounds insignificant but is the second most painful thing I know thus far.

My mother left me home alone with her "boyfriend." And honestly he was really good to me, he loved me, is that how it always starts? anyways, one morning, he woke me up and carried me out to the dining room and sat me down at the table. he was in his underwear and my mothers beautiful apron, he had made me pancakes. he poured way too much syrup on them and he said that there was no clean utensils. so i got up to check but before i could he grabbed me so hard and jerked me down to my chair. something in me... clicked, i felt an intense fear but i sat and ate those pancakes as he watched me the whole time picking them up with my little hands. when finished, i tried to get up but he smacked my sticky hand on my face. he then picked me up, threw me over his shoulder and tossed me in the tub. he turned the water on, scolding hot, and started undressing me. he scrubbed every inch of my flesh until i felt raw. i finally broke the silence and tried to tell him i was all clean, he could stop. then he made me fall in the tub and started to penetrate me with his fingers and biting my inner thighs... all i remember after that is waking up in my bed when my mom got home that night. he never came back. but i had gained a weird habit of scratching my skin raw in my sleep.

and it continues, the pain, the abuse, the thrashings. my mom soon moved us in with one of her boyfriends which she eventually married, he was very kind. but i have learned by now that this is how it starts. he was in my life for almost 3 years. he would always come up behind me, whispering that i should tell my mother to go in the bedroom with him. and she never seemed to want to. so i became the target. i was weak and pathetic. easy prey. he raped me multiple times, he burned me, hit me, talked... so dirty to me. the thought makes me want to vomit.

this is the point where i had finally started cutting. once he fled our lives, we moved again and of course my mother had a string of boyfriends. some avoided me like i was poison. they hated me. then the others well, they "loved me oh so much" (funny how the ones that hated me weren't the ones hurting me.) anyways it gets very monotonous with these jokes for men. but then there was him... and of course he moved in with us. i couldn't escape him. he would always corner me, creep into my room at night. sometimes he would slither into my bed and i could feel him getting hard on the back of my legs. he would jerk it, and leave. other times he would just watch me sleep in my bed, only i wasn't sleeping. i felt his presence. quickly he made more vicious attempts at me. and i became nothing. he has tied me up, held a knife to my throat daring me to scream, he has pushed me down our stairs, and verbally abused me so bad i almost rather he raped me. then FINALLY!! my mother moved and i refused to follow. i would not continue to play a part in their lives, i wanted my own. let me tell you though, i never found it. i became promiscuous, throughout my high school years, got in a lot of trouble. (which no one believed at first, seeing as though i have always been the good girl with the good grades.) that girl is dead. eventually towards the end of my senior year i became on hooked on drugs. A LOT OF DRUGS and i became even more promiscuous. i found myself in bad situations all the time. drug dealers pinning me down and trying to con me so they could get in my pants, friends of friends at parties slipping me stuff, forcing me to do all sorts of things. if my best friend hadn't showed up almost every time someone would try something, i wouldn't have lasted this long. This led me to drop almost all drugs and cutting. (Or at least tried to stop the cutting again.)

Now let me tell you the most memorable and painful thing i have experienced in these 19 years...

a dear friend of mine invited me to his party, he drugged me,he raped me and let his friends watch. now this dear friend of mine, he knows the struggles i have faced in life, he knows how depressed i am, he has even bandaged my cuts before. but this guy... he did it anyways. because everyone starts out nice, but no one is to be trusted. NO ONE.

the real question is, after all these years of struggling and dying inside, why didn't i just come out and say this all to someone? not hint around it, not mention, that "yes i have been abused" but to just lay this all out there??? because i always thought, "this is the last time, i will never be hurt this bad again"
i will never trust anyone again. i cant even trust myself, i just realized what i put myself through. just so certain lives wouldn't fall apart. i sacrificed almost my entire existence so far for nothing...Everyone's lives fell apart anyways.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Melissa About a Nanny Now a Mother

by Melissa
(Pennsylvania, USA)

My neighbor now was from Penn State area. Before she had kids, she was a nanny for a family. The family has 2 young girls,one was about a year old and the other a toddler. The parents are working people and she lived with them. The mother had to go to a conference and decided to take the kids and the nanny with them out of town. The nanny was supposed to stay with the children in the hotel room and watch them while the mother was in conference in the same hotel. The nanny decided that the children were safe enough in the room while they napped and she took the rental car and left to go sight seeing. She didn't show up till hours later and the mother was furious that she left the kids alone and the kids were crying and need diaper changed and food. She asked the nanny to pack up and leave. The nanny has since then got married and have kids. After the first one was born and he was walking and running, they would have no idea he left the house and was wandering around. The father would walked around the estate and would find him playing in someone else backyard with the other kid. The parents were so proud that the kid 'took the initiative' to find a playmate. This happened many times. She would also dropped the kid off at grandma's house for 2 weeks at a time and not call till she's ready to come pick him up. Grandma could not handle the kid and he would always be dropped off at my house to play with my son from 8am to 9pm everyday for 2 weeks at a time and sometime sleepover. The kid had punched my son in the stomach, scratched up all my CD games because he lost the games and threatened to me by saying " when I grow up, I'm going to take a gun and shoot you dead!". This did not happened just one but 4 times and he also threatened my husband twice! The parents were told but ignored it. Since then, the kid was kicked out of a private catholic school and public school and Church in Penn State. They moved and the kid was also kicked out from a Catholic school and 2 Churches! The mother would go around saying that she started the kid late in school, which was a lie and he was also kicked out of Boy Scouts and is now in my son's troop. The mother said the churches were not 'kid friendly'. The son would always get into trouble in school by punching some kid in the face and taking their school lunches or stuff. Since all these, the mother has now been advertising to babysit and be a nanny in my community. I am very upset as she is an unfit parent and the risks other kids are put through this. She was also diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but she has since lied that it was her son who has it. Also, the nanny has a police record in Penn State when she brought her son to the car dealership without his shoes on and he had to walk in the snow. One of the people at the dealership called the police on this matter. I don't know what I should do.




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Child Abuse Story From Lisa

by Lisa
(New York, USA)

It started when I was 4 years old. My mother wore a prosthetic leg and was born with spinal bifada and was some what wheelchair bound. She married my step dad for whom I thought at the time was my real father. He use to come home after work every night and would beat mother in front of me. One day, so I was told, she had tried to kill him with her medicine. He waited until he went to work and called the police. I was coming home from Kindergarden when I saw her getting hauled away. From that day until I was 6 I was abused physically, emotionally, and mentally. He would come home every night and beat me with boards, punched me in the face, and beat with his belt from the middle of my back to the back of knees. I was 6 and he dragged me by the hair to his bedroom, beat me and locked me in the room. When everyone got done eating, I was "released" and fed just the scraps from everyones plates and had to clean and wash the dishes. If the table was not clean right as well as the dishes, I got beat. I was locked in there for three days. Within those three days, I was beat by his sister, mother, and brother. On the third day, his sister came dragged me by my hair sat me in achair and cut my hair off. That day my real Uncle and Grandfather came as I say and rescued me. I lived with my grandparents for a year and had to go live with my aunt. I lived with her until I was 13. Just when I thought I was with people that had loved me, they betrayed me. From 7 until I left I was beat and used. But my aunt did it so slick that after she dragged me by my hair, bang my head off of walls smack me in the face, punch me in the face, beat me with willow branches until I bleed, she would go and buy me stuff and act like nothing ever happened. Until my uncle got home, then he would come and wake me up and beat me. When I was 13 I, moved in with my grandparents until I was 17. During these times I was emotionally and mentally abused by my grandmother and physically, sexually, and mentally abused by my uncle and grandfather. At 17, I moved to live with my mother. That was a mistake. She had gotten married to a guy that was manipulative, controlling, obsessed, and sexually abused me. I now am 30, married, and have a loving husband that has been my rock since I was 18 when I moved out. I have never gone for counseling or seen a therapist. I basically have tried to deal with the anger issues that I have. It took me a long time for me to trust and love someone. Having my daughter has been a blessing. She is the one that keeps me going and makes me even more happier. Some say that usually when you are a victim of child abuse, that chances are you will become abusive, I feel is not true for some because I can not and would not even think about doing any of this stuff to her.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Al

by Al
(Location Undisclosed)

55+ yrs old now, sometimes 4yrs old somtimes a 1000.I not sure this page can even handle what happened to me.Iam in Endless darkness and a creature not worth breathing air, from a father with 3 brothers all abused beatin etc and ther father a drinker. All supporting one anothers treatment of their kids all drinkers. little contact with people outside this extended family. A time of little protection if any by law.A sick (mother?)abuesed and beatin as a child from a broken home! If you know anything ,you must know how my soul,if its there, must be!




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Name Undisclosed123

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

I am nothing: 
Some of my childhood memories are gone, but what I do remember makes me glad I don't remember all of it. I went to live with my father and his wife when my mother went through a bad financial time. The wife didn't want me there, she wanted her own kids and didn't have custody of them. My father was often gone on business trips, leaving me alone with her, and she resented it to such an extreme she was emotionally and physically abusive to me. When I was 7, she pushed me down an escalator, from the top to the bottom. I remember the bloody, jagged edges with the escalator pattern on my legs after I landed at the bottom. A woman ran up to me to see if I was ok and I was crying too hard to talk to her, so the wife slapped me for being rude. Another time I didn't want to eat a specific type of food she put on my plate. She force fed me the food with a spoon until I vomited on my plate, then made me eat the vomit. Along with such things, I remember that part of my childhood being a long stretch of infinite loneliness and a sense of grief. I was bullied and teased at school because the wife would force me to wear awkward, cheap clothes that didn't fit and cut off all my hair, anything to keep me meek, humiliated, and low maintenance. There were a couple of instances where the school had to get involved because I had an obvious medical problem that wasn't being addressed at home. The school sent me home and wouldn't allow me back until I got to see a doctor. I saw my mother sometimes and that was the only safe, bright spot in my life, as home and school were both endless nightmares. I don't have time to describe the full extent of those circumstances. When I finally got away from my father's wife and that school, I left, but it didn't leave me. I felt so disconnected and numb sometimes it felt as though my soul was not quite inside my body and I was just cut loose, floating through a surreal world, unable to understand or communicate how I felt. I felt nothing, just a great void, for a long time. I just knew I loathed myself and was convinced I wasn't even human, just some kind of other, inferior to everyone else. When emotions returned, I found myself brimming with rage and sadness. I still, at nearly 40, feel that rage. People talk about forgiveness, but I can't forgive her. To me, forgiveness says, "You did wrong, but it's ok." Nothing about it will ever be ok. The aftereffects of the abuse snowballed into a life of depression, a truncated education, abusive intimate relationships, and other complications. It wasn't until I realized the root of the problem and shifted my perspective that I was able to get myself somewhat together, to take responsibility for my own existence and define myself according to my wishes and not according to the control of others. Now I work with survivors of violence. What I have described were a very few small pieces of a very ugly situation. I know she was an alcoholic and had problems of her own. She never got custody of her kids. (GOOD.)




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Child Abuse Story From Name Undisclosed126

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

This still goes on: 
My brother keeps on beating me and i keep saying that he can't do that. Just recently he started hitting for no reason, and one time it felt really painful and in retaliation i hit back. I didn't mean to, it was an accident, i just, lost control. My health teacher said if i hit back then it's no longer abuse, then its a fight and were both in trouble. This has been going on for years and suicide was always an option. i don't know what i can do.




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Child Abuse Story From Elle M

by Elle M
(Location Undisclosed)

I am 16 years old and i am a very troubled child......i want to share my story because no one else will listen to it nor do they believe me so im hoping this story will help someone out there be a better person...my mother married my father when she was 14 years old he was 38 years old she had me when she was 15 years old and then my younger brother and sister. my entire life we was beaten and not by our mother either. my father would take lighters to our knees if we acted up. since i am the oldest i was yelled at the most and my daddy would get set off by the little things that didnt matter that much and would hit us and yell at us and i have a bunch of scars from being hit so much. I never could figure out why he hit us or if it was my fault i just blamed everything on myself. My mother said that when i was still in her belly that he tryed to kill me and her both by shooting me while i was unborn. i dont remember much about my childhood my brother who is 13 now and my sister who is 14 now and my mother who is 32 now says that my father would hit me with belt buckles and try to strangle us and yell at us all the time and just get mad over nothing. When i was 7 years old my father was arrested it hurt me deeply because even though my father done all those bad things i still loved him i was still a daddys girl and i wanted to be with him so bad because i dont remember anything bad that ever happened to me i just know what the police showed me on tape and pictures. After my father went to prison my mother started to party 24/7 and there were numerous men come in and out of the house to sleep with my mother. i remember one time she was partying and i was so hungry i couldnt stand it adn my mother was never the one to let me starve or hit me or anything but she wouldnt stop sleeping with men long enough to make me something to eat so i took a knife and got a can of corn and i started stabbing at the top of it the knife slipped and went into my hand between my thumb and my finger it didnt hurt that much to me because i was so used to feeling pain that i guess it just didnt bother me that night my mother realized that it was time she grew up and stoped acting so stupid when it came to her kids. When i was 8 years old my mother meet a man named R-- and he only came to our house to see about a jeep we had for sell but unfortunatly he never left he ended just like all the other men that came to our house staying the night sleeping with my mom but this time it was different him and my mother fell inlove with each other and they have been together for 8 years now they just recently got married. well other than the fact that i was physically abused by my father i was also mentally and emotionally abused by my mother and stepfather now. I hate my stepfather he hates me to or at least thats what i think. we always got into an argueement we never got along with each other when i was 8 we got into a huge argueement and he threw me down on the bed and looked me in the eyes and said i wished your daddy was dead and nobody has ever said anything like that to me befor because everyone knows i am my daddys babygirl because like i told you i do not remember anything that ever happened to me. my stepfather would always say mean things to me and treat me horribly i was always grounded and i never got to do anything but this hurt me alot because my mother always took his side she never agreed with me on anything she chose a man over her daughter. but i never understood and still to this day i cant understand why we arguee so much i mean im the only one in my family thatgets treated this way my sister and brother are treated like kings and queens. it used to get so bad between me and my stepdad that it turned into fist fights at age 12 that day i will never forget. it all started becuase i was sitting down in my room because i never went around them for the fact that they always blame me for everything. my mom came and asked my to do the dishes i siad okay i will and i got up and went to the kitchen and i started to do the dishes i had a glass pan in my hands that had grease all over it and it slipped out of my hands and into the floor it busted every where i freaked out and started crying my mom told me it was okay that she would get it up for me to go sit down so she could. when i did sit down in the chair at the table my stepdad came running in there and said if i didnt get up and do the dishes he was going light me up like a christmas tree and my mom said for him to go away because they argueed alot and she dissagreed with alot of everything he done when she realized it was pushing me away and makeing the way i was turning out to be. he grabbed me by the arm and i told him to let me the f*** go and to get out of my face i had never stood up to him like that befor but i got so tired of takeing his crap that i just snapped. he let me go and i was walking toward my room and he came up behind me and pushed me and i went from the hallway to my room which was about 5ft. and i turned around and told him to never lay his hands on me again he then put me in a head lock and started hitting me and i was only 135 pounds maybe and he was like 250 pounds i broke loose from him and said i was leaving and never comeing back they tryed to stop me by locking all the windows and doors and blocking them and my sister and brother helped them but i faught through my stepdad and left anyway i didnt wanna leave but i was so tired of being treated the way i was. they caught up to me and said things would change that it would all get better and i believed them so i went back home for awhile everything was great until we moved and i had been used to moving all my life iv lived everywhere and been to about 20 different schools so i was used to moveing...well when we moved everything went back to normal nothing had ever changed they just kept treating me like crap. so i ranaway again but the cops caught up with me and took me home that same day i tryed to committ suicide and my mom stoped me and took me to a center. there they had diagnosed me with suicidal thoughts,bipolar disorder,ODD disorder,depression, and anger problems.it got so bad that i had to be put on medicine. well i came home and now me and my mom get along great me and the rest of the family on the other hand didnt. well a year went by and we moved again i had just turned 14 i tried to committ suicide again well i ended up back in the hospital. when i came home this time nothing changed everything was still the same its like no onme cared at all si i didnt either i rtanaway again but this time i went back on my own. one night me and my stepdad got into it so i threatened to kill him nadi would of to if i hadnt of thought oif something better. the next day i moved out and i moved in with my papaw i was so happy i lived there for 3 years untill november 2011 the social services said i had to move back in with my mother or got to a foster home. i moved back in with my mother and now we arguee aometimes but i realize me nd my mother will never change i mean now she is my bestfriend and we get along great cept when we arguee but thats bedcause we are just like each other. i still to this day can not stand my stepdad but we dont talk to life is pretty easy for me without him in mine. my mom and him are still married but im 16 about to graduate high school in one year and im moveing out on my own anyway. i know it wont be easy but im going to cllege to be a theropist to help others with their life. i was physically and emotionally abused i am so messed up with problems that i have figured out a way to cope with them i have learned that when i help others i help myself become a better person by helping them become a better person...my life is great now and i wanted to share some of my story i didnt tell you half of everything i should have. but i wanted to share my story to let others know that even though u grow up rough and hard that there is a way to make it better you just have to make the best out of what you got and karma will catch up with the ones that hurt you!!!




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Child Abuse Story From Gem

by Gem
(Location Undisclosed)

I have kept my past life a secret for so long thinking that I would forget about it but I only fooled myself. Recently I realized that I have been pushing people away even my dearest friends. I have a friend that went through a similar childhood of mine and I told her to move on as if it were that easy and i should know best. Every day I struggled not thinking about my childhood so I decided to write down my story in this site because my friend told me that she wrote down her story here and it helped her a lot. So, here goes.

I remember a lot from my childhood, the bad and the good memories. But sometimes I think that some of the bad memories I remember are only bad dreams I had and that's when I get confused. I think to myself sometimes: was everything a dream? but the next day I tell myself that it wasn't and that all those bad things did happen. Ever since I was a little girl my mom used to beat me and my sister up when she got mad. For any insignificant little thing she'd get furious and beat us up. My dad was the same but he didn't beat us up as much as my mom. That was the physical abuse I received until age 10 and then suddenly my parents didn't beat us up anymore. Now the earliest memory of having sexual relations was that of age 3 I think. It was with a kid who was like 3 or 4 years older than me and he was teaching me how to do it. I can't remember who that kid was but I do remember that he was also a child. We lived in a big house and many families lived with us including my mom's sister's family and my dad's sister's family, so I had a lot of cousins who were boys and girls. Some were younger than me by like 2 years, some were my same age, and the others were the age of my sister's which was like three years older than me. I remember my sister used to play with our cousins her age a lot. I wanted to play with them too but when I saw what they were playing it disgusted me. They were kissing each other and so one of my cousins grabbed me and started kissing me which I thought was super gross. He would pretend to be my boyfriend and I didn't like it, it made me mad. This happened when i was about 6 and pretty soon that cousin started having sex with me and soon it was his brother who was having sex with me too. I don't know why I didn't tell my mom back then but it was probably because I was scared of her. Anyway, all this continued until I was eight and then I started having sex with my cousins who were younger than me. I treated it as a game and all this continued until I was almost 10 years old. Then one day when one of my older cousins was making me have sex with him, I told him to STOP IT!! I said: I don't like this!! I started crying and told him that this was wrong, that he was doing a bad thing to me and that I was doing the same bad thing to my younger cousins too. I told him that I was going to tell my mom everything bad I was doing and the bad things they were doing to me too, I was gonna write it all down in a letter and then run away. He begged me not to tell anything, he got on his knees and begged and begged so I didn't do anything. I told him that I didn't want him and his brother to do anything to me anymore and that I was never going to do the same things to my younger cousins anymore because it all made me feel disgusting and a very very bad person. After that day, they never touched me again and I never touched my younger cousins again either. It has been almost 15 years since all this happened. I distanced myself from almost all my family because I didn't want to be reminded of past anymore. It hurt me so much what my parents did to me, it hurt me what my cousins did to me, but what hurt me the most was what I did to my younger cousins. I knew how much it hurt me what my cousins did to me, I didn't like it at all. Yet, knowing that it didn't stop me from doing the same thing to my other cousins. I know I was a child too back then but that doesn't excuse me for what I did, nothing does. Hurting others is way worse than being hurt yourself. All these years I have felt so guilty for what I did and why shouldn't I, right? I have no idea how my cousins are doing nowadays. I just hope with all my heart that what I did to them didn't affect them, that they were all able to live happy lives. It doesn't matter if they hate me or never forgive me for what I did to them, all that matters to me is that they are happy and safe. As for the cousins who hurt me, I don't hate them, I did before for a while but not anymore, I just hope that they never hurt anyone again. I don't know how to go with my life. I'm 25 years old and alone. I tried seeking help before but got scared and left the doctor's office. I hardly talk to my family and most of the friends I have I pushed them away because I don't consider myself to be a good person for what I did in the past. My best friend who went through a similar childhood like me told me once that she wrote her story in this site and that's why I decided to write down my story in here as well. I have even managed to push her away, the only one who knew my secret. So now, that I feel so alone and don't know what else to do.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Kelsey

by Kelsey
(Location Undisclosed)

Sexually abused: 
When I was about five I remember being awake in my bed it was late, I shared my room with my sister she was three, our dad is a really bad alcoholic, I remember hearing him walking up the stairs but this was normal, after a lates night drinking he would come home late as per usual and give me and my sister a kiss on the forehead and go to bed himself in the next room with my mum, but this night was different, he ended up touching us in our private parts that night and me and my sister were crying I guess we didn't really understand at the time but the next morning after he had gone to work in the farm we went and told our mum, she was disgusted and was so angry we were all crying, the next thing I remember is me and my sister in the living room with our new born baby sister watching telly, when my dad walked in, all we could here was our parents roaring in the kitchen and our mum telling him to leave, next thing I remember is the guards coming to our house and all of our auntys and uncles on my mums side, we had to tell the guards what happened, we had to tell social workers what happened, judges and everyone, but nothing was done, we found out about a year later that it was because our dad had (still has) a connection with the guards. No one believed us except for our family, and family friends, this was the worst part to be told that you were a liar, that we made it up, the judge even went to the point of saying to my mum that if she didn't say that she made it all up that they would take us off of her and give us to our dad, things kept getting worse and our dad kept trying to hurt us and our family he still tries today, he doesn't want us as kids to love he wants us to be like him, be a farmer and good at all sports its horrible having to see him every week (when he shows) and having to act normal when its killing us inside, I'm nearly 16 now and I still have to visit him by law, its horrible. I opened up to my friends about it a few weeks ago, we had a huge heart to heart conversation and everything just came flooding out, I guess I have been holding it all in for nearly 10 years, it feels good to let it out again, I get a lot of support from friends and family now and there is one thing that I've learned, is that no matter how crap your life gets even when everyone is telling you that your lying it brings you closer and makes you stronger as a person, me and my mum get on way too well for a teenage daughter and mother, we barely fight, its pretty much the same with my sister, I can't wait until I'm 18 and I never ever have to see that man again. If your going through something the same always remember that no matter how bad life gets keep going and don't let the person who hurt you get the satisfaction of seeing you waste your life because that is probably what they want. I know this wasn't anything major but it did effect me and my family, thanks for taking the time to read this.




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Child Abuse Story From In Shell

by In Shell
(Massachusetts, USA)

Trapped in the shell..mass hole: 
When I was a kid, I got spanked a lot. About a day after I got a spanking from my Dad for misbehaving, I mocked him and told him "spank me daddy!", as I laughed and smiled.

Instead of behaving like a normal human being should have, my father sadistically put me on his knee and started hitting me hard. He didn't stop when I started crying, he hit me more times after that. He hit me just to assert his manliness over a helpless child, to punish me for mocking his ability to discipline.

I was hit for no reason, other than that my Dad was angry I laughed at him. Being a 7 year old child, I didn't know much, but from then on I realized the hatred I had for my father would never dissipate. When a full grown man holds down a 7 year old and smacks the s**t out of them for no reason, there is something wrong with that man... and there will be things wrong with the kid... let me tell you from my own life.

When you have trouble loving one of the two people in the world you're supposed to love the most, you develop insecurities, inadequacies, and self-hate that doesn't disappear.

My memory of this event is like a video in my memory, photographic. Right after he let me go, with tears going down my face as I ran upstairs, I remember my mom saying "why would you do that?". I knew he was wrong for doing it, I did nothing to deserve punishment. Later in the day, I threw pieces of paper at my dad that said "f**k you" (hahaha). Although I didn't know what f**k meant, I knew it was a bad thing to say. There were no words to express how I felt towards him, I wanted him to die.

From that point on, I became as unhappy as I could be in hopes of making my dad unhappy, because I hated him. I stopped playing sports, and became overweight. I spent most of my early summers locked in my bedroom playing computer games and watching porn, because I hated myself. I never had a girlfriend, I always hated talking to people. I got picked on in middle school for being a fat kid, which further convinced me of my hatred of humanity in general. Eventually I became a pot head, the only time I hung out with friends was when we were smoking or going out to get stuff to smoke. Im still depressed and have mental problems




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Kimberly

by Kimberly
(Texas, USA)

My parents split up when I was little because my mom found out my dad was living a double life with another woman. She began to drink alot when he left and was very physically and emotionally abusive. She would go and bar hop and leave me with my 18 year old brother who would force me to watch as he tortured my beloved puppy. Eventually I was forced to go live with my dad because my mom couldnt care for me. His wife had extreme mental problems and would firce me to sleep in a cold basement and only let me eat pb&j while her son got good food and a nice room. She was exteemely abusive and told my friends lies about me in order to isolate me. The treatment was so bad I had a nervous breakdown and had to spend a year in a mental institution. I still have nightmares about being admitted into that place. I am 23 married and have two kids and god has given me the strength to forgive my mom who is sober.




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Child Abuse Story From Maria

by Maria
(Nevada, USA)

I was adopted a little later in life at the age of 5, I was sexually abused by my adoptive father at the age of 8.He is a Dr and highly respected in the community ....I knew no one would believe me , specially my adoptive mother . Forty two years later I am still dealing with PTSD, self image problems , eating disorder and anxiety disorder My adoptive father adopted two more times , but they were boys. My younger brother is a drug addict , and my older brother had a lot of anger issues , but we never talked about it , because my father is extremely wealthy and he is in total control I will never get over the abuse , and I will never see justice served. Sometimes I just want to end my life , but i have a family that needs me .I am a mess still , my father has an amazing life still.




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Child Abuse Story From Xavier

by Xavier
(UK)

Not a Latchkey Just Forgotten: 
I always remember being in between. my parents would tell me to go outside and play with my brothers. My brothers told me to get lost they are not having a little kid hanging with them all day. I just use to wander off on my own, my parents thinking i was with my brothers and my brothers thinking i had gone back inside. I use to sit in the playground in the park for hours before i would go home. I made friends, kids who came with their parents and i had fun but there were times when it was deserted and it was just me. There was one man who was always friendly but never really bothered me, he used to follow me into the toilets until i told one of my friends mothers about him. God did she cause a scene, i thought she was going to kill him. He ran off and i never saw him again but she took me home and i got such a beating for being out on my own. Everybody thinking i was somewhere else, Still my story did not change and i kept to myself because none of my family had time for me unless i did something wrong. I was punished often because they loved me.




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Child Abuse Story From Valerie

by Valerie
(Location Undisclosed)

Does this count as sexual abuse? Sometimes I cry over my misfortune and sometimes I go through extreme denial and prefer to think of it all as entirely trivial. When I was perhaps 6 or 7 or 8 (I can't remember exactly when, only that it happened for so long and it was before my grandparent passed away) I lived next to two older boys. They were cousins to each other who were both in the sixth grade and rode the bus with me everyday. I'm not sure when or how it started, but I remember a certain horror. I was terrified of them. I never wanted to go out and play or ride the bus or walk home, but my parents never opted to drive me and never let me refuse their requests to play. I'd never had many friends, I guess my parents thought they were doing me a favor.

Oddly enough, I don't remember their names and I'm too afraid to ask my parents. I'll just call them John and Joseph. John was younger. He was touchy and invaded my personal space all too often. He liked to make vulgar comments that I never understood until much later in life. On the bus he would sidle up to me and press me against the wall until I couldn't breathe. To this day I don't know why no one ever saw his hands roving my body and the inside of my pants. To this day I can clearly remember. His smiling, creepy, overbearing, sickly sweet face he used when he touched me in private areas and told the older kids vulgar things I 'liked' when in reality I was too scared and naive to fully understand and say no. That one image I have of his face gives me nightmares to this day.

the other one, 'Joseph', was meaner. I think he wanted to hurt and control more than John wanted to explore his sexual side. I was terrified of him. Everyday after school I would try to outrun him from the bus stop to my house. He usually won. Very clearly I can remember two incidences. Once he tried to run me over with his bike while his friends held me in place. Once he caught me running from the bus stop and tackled me. He proceeded to whip me with a thin stick, choke me, and tear at my clothes. I don't know how that encounter ended because I don't know how I ended up bloody and crying on my bedroom floor. All I know is that the two boys were gone the next day.

I know I was sexually assaulted but to this day I wonder if I was ever raped. My memory is so spotty and dark sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I deserve it because I was too afraid to tell an adult, too stupid to understand. And then I have such a fear of quick movements by other people that I flinch. I panic when someone even barely touches my neck. I feel sick for enjoying the dominant role my boyfriend takes up in the bedroom. I feel so much hatred for people who make light of sexual abuse.

There is one redeeming aspect though, to this entire situation. For some reason, some odd twist of fate, I've made best friends that have opened up to me about very similar issues. While I never returned the favor of vulnerability (something I regret) my experience allowed me to empathize in a way that I could comfort and help heal them in a way that's started to heal myself as well. <3




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Robert

by Robert
(Texas, USA)

My parents were very strict and controlling when I was growing up. I had to eat what was put in front of me no matter how much I hated it. If I didn't eat it I would be brought into the bedroom and paddled. The paddling was on my bare bottom and would leave bruises. I would then be brought back out to the table. If I still didn't eat I would be brought back in and spanked again over my already sore bottom. This would go on until I finished all the food. If I threw it up I would get spanked, I then had to clean it up and then would be served the same food again. They were also obsessed with table manners and the slightest infraction such as touching the food with my hands or eating with my mouth open would get me spanked.

Every aspect of my life was controlled. I had to be totally submissive and could never talk back. I was rarely allowed to play or act like a kid. I was expected from a very young age to act adult like.

My mom picked out all my clothes till I was in high school. She always made me dress to my shoes and socks everyday even if we were not leaving the house. I had to stay fully dressed including my shoes and socks until bedtime. No matter how hot my feet got I couldn't take the shoes off. She was obsessed with me dressing nice and wouldn't even let me wear shorts or sneakers nor white socks. They had to be dress or casual shoes and the socks had to be dark. The shirt was either bottom down or polo. The pants were either dress or a nice pair of jeans. This wasn't very comfortable in the hot southern heat. I was allowed sneakers by middle school, but was still required to stay fully dressed till bedtime.

My worst memories were never being allowed to use the restroom in public. My parents reasoning was that public restrooms were dirty and to teach me discipline. I have memories as young as 3 having to use the bathroom really bad in a public place and being told I had to hold it until we got home. I would then be threatened with a spanking if I didn't be quiet or didn't keep it in. I remember my dad holding me in his arms and telling me to hold it and not think about it. This was happening all while I was crying in total agony. This lead to me wetting my pants a few times and as punishment I got spanked. I would then be made to stand in the corner or made to kneel in uncooked rice for several hours when we got home. This fear made me keep it in no matter how painful it was. I was also randomly made to hold it at home and was told it was to teach me discipline. I had to stay still and couldn't touch myself down there. I had to act like everything was normal. I couldn't use the bathroom at church or any other public place until we got home. If we went on a trip I had to wait till we got to the hotel or the house we were staying at. Even when arriving I was sometimes told to wait a bit and not be rude. Even when visiting other people's home I wasn't allowed to go as using other people’s bathrooms was rude. I sometimes had to wait all day before I was allowed to go and even asking would get me in trouble. I would be in so much pain and agony, but my parents didn't even care and would tell me things like "holding it builds character". Sometimes my bladder would feel like a hot poker was being stuck in it. It was a very painful stinging sensation that would consume my whole body. Everything I saw and heard would be overwhelmed by the sensation. I was also forbidden to use the bathroom at school and my mom would follow me to the bathroom when I got home to make sure I did a nice long pee. If I didn't she would accuse me of going at school and would make me hold it the rest of the night. I became so fearful of public restrooms I didn't even want to use them after awhile. So many of my memories away from home were distorted by having to urinate so badly. I would start to cry knowing it would be several more hours before I could go. I was sometimes brought to a toilet if we were out a really long time, but as I got older this was less and less common. I was never allowed to go outside.

I was paddled a lot as a kid. I would sometimes get as many as 20 swats. I wasn’t allowed to yell, had to stay still and had to cry softly. After the paddling I wasn’t allowed to rub where I was paddled. The pain was unbearable like a hot iron was being pressed on my bottom and with each hit like it was being pressed harder and made hotter. There were other things like being sent to school no matter how sick I was that I will not get into now.

I have a sexual fetish for being made to hold my urine against my will and for being spanked. My theory is the only way I could deal with those situations was to become aroused by them. I feel so much guilt and feel like such as pervert. I have only told one friend about this and it’s like a dark secret of mine.




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Child Abuse Story From Emily

by Emily
(Massachusetts, USA)

Once you're abused it don't go away: 
How sick in the head family can be! Yes,family-my cousin V---. Wow! How can a person take the whole life of a little girl(that was me)dreams and hopes that got destroyed Once he put his dirty hands on that little girl(me). All that I wanted to do then was be a singer and play piano etc was in plays in school and CCD,yes I tried to clear my head that what was going on was still going on till HIGH SCHOOL which even later on he himself was keeping his tabs on me. HMM,there is a reason to that! V--- had his way of spying to know who is around and when they leave so that he can be safe to do his dirty deed. So that I would keep my mouth shut he told me LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS and I had no clue what the meaning of that was and WOW V--- made it clear to tell me what that means. He asked me;do you understand what that means,I was confused because how could this be happening to me! He tells me that when the ship sinks the people die,meaning that will be me if I would tell. V--- is the devil on earth! When my sister L-- took me to the doctors when I was little due to some bleeding and pain that my private area,the doctors back then I wish that they had done a major check even though I was so scared already that they would see what had happen,but I till this day do remember telling them that I did not want the man doctor even though the doctor was not the one that hurt me. Now,what got me to REALLY put this out there is,in DEC 2011 V--- was not invited to be there on my sister L-- funeral for he had abused her also well!That day my AUNT C. had the nerve to stick up for him saying HOW RUDE OF THE FAMILY NOT TO INVITE V---! With this Nasty look she said that to me. I said,please understand the familys wishes and that was when she kept dign and dign so I then broke out in tears because of all the pain that V--- caused me and she is sticking up for this scum I told her that he has hurt the family and she did not care.MY Aunt did not care at all on what V--- did to me. There is so much more to tell but,now I am 41 years young and waiting for the day that he get's locked up before someday I will end up at the bottom of the ship as V--- said.




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Child Abuse Story From Josh

by Josh
(British Columbia, Canada)

my brother and cousin let lo0se all the anger on me every day and beat me till i bleed some times my parents know they beat me but all they say is don't do it again but they still do one time i was going to go tell my mom and dad that they beat me and then they grabed me and beat me for 30 min strait and then i was covered in bruises and its not my parents fault its that if i tell them they dont do something they mean well but its just they dont hit them and now i think of killing my self every day i look happy on the out side but i realy want to slit my own throut and leave a note telling my parents why i did it and that its mainly my brother and cousins fault i already tryed to kill my self be hanging drowning and over dos on pills also i tried to stab my self but every time my mom saw or dad my brother saw once before and tryed to help me so i think i should just do it




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Child Abuse Story From Crystal

by Crystal
(Australia)

Until now no one knows what Ive been through: I was about 9 living in the Northern Territory and my mum had some guests over one night. I knew a guy named R-- because he was my brother's friend who was about a year or two older than me. When they came over R--'s Parents where in the lounge room getting drunk and I was hanging in my room alone. While I was in my room, I heard R-- knock on the door just as he walked on in. We where sitting on the bed talking and then we were getting tired so we lied down on my bed and the next thing i know he was taking off his clothes and trying to make me do things I didn't want to do. He started holding me and taking off my clothes as well. He started touching me and kissing me 'down there' and made me do the same to him. After that he had to go home and all I was thinking is I never want to see him again.

I am now 12 living in South Australia and on my 13th birthday I'm going back to North Australia to see the things we left behind, family and friends. I am scared of whats it gonna be like seeing R-- again or if he will remember what he did to make my life a misery. looking back on it there's one simple message I learnt from all this, it is that no one should take advantage of you or make you do something you dont want to, but now I have the power to help others with problems like this, because after all I've been through there's still a lot more left unwritten...?




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Child Abuse Story From Kelly

by Kelly
(Location Undisclosed)

When I was 1 spanking was the perfect remedy of my parents. My dad would whip us several times with his belt while my mom swore and screamed at me. One time I drew washable marker on my dad's drum when I was only 3, thinking since it was white; it had to be round paper. Minutes later, my dad, the drum freak, banged downstairs to discover the small line of orange marker and punished me, leaving me with welts and bruises. The marker wiped off in a matter of seconds before my eyes when I touched it with my hand. Another time, I was sad and scared from a nightmare one night in Kindergarden, and my dad came in silently and told me to quiet down, then whipped me severely with his belt full of metal designs. I cried even more that night, knowing the next day the teacher would ask why I was so sad. I had to make something up. I know I'll get in trouble for posting this, because my parents believe they are doing right. Now, through countless days of screaming and swear words I've never heard of, to whipping of belts and slapping on my hands, I am a depressed teenager. Full of sadness that no one told me they loved me with a sincere heart, instead a gruff "I love you" after I got spanked. I still get spanked. And I still have to swallow liquid or bar soap when I say, "What the hell?" once in awhile, since my parents think that is a swear when they cuss far worse. Last week my dad accused me of mocking my little brother upstairs, which I never did. I told him, "Why would I mock him?" and I got spanked. Just like that. No understanding. I have given coarse portions of money, like $20 for not cleaning up my room when I was utterly worn out from the day of yard work and school. The only escape is school or with friends. Just now, I had to hide this behind a different document, my mom just literally came in and said "I want to check my e-mail." I said, "Can you wait a couple mins.?" She yelled, "NO!" "I'm sorry." I whispered. But she said "5 minutes" and stomped out of the room. Another time I was sad from a friendship torn apart and told my mom I was disappointed that she did something (I can't remember what it was) and she said with a rattle, deep-angered mouth, "I will chain you to your bed and whip you." And another time with squinted evil eyes, "I will slap your face if you let him do that again." 'him' was my brother who I was playing with when he tripped over one of his toys, crying and running to my mom. I was so scared when my mom said that with an smirk to my sister. She's now 11. Highly favored as the angel child, just like my mom. Screams at me when I ask about something, bringing favor to my mom as she grows up just like an identical demon twin just like my mom. She punches me, swears, and makes fun of my friends to death. BUT, once in a rare lifetime she'll share her feelings of our parents and how 1 time, 'mom treated me worse than you.' Your story might have more or less pain than mine. But I still endure this ongoing tragedy known as CHILD ABUSE.




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Child Abuse Story From Nicholas

by Nicholas
(USA)

my dad is constantly yelling at me and threatening me because he does like me because im gay and i am fourteen and my mom does the same they are all ways on and off like a fountain and i don't know what do do i am not a good righter and don't know how to put it in here but i need help my grandparents want me but my parents wont let them have me i don't know what to do.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Jonus

by Jonus
(Canada)

I was a boy and what I am about to tell you, you probably won't beleive. My mother killed herself in front of my brother and myself. None of the family wanted us so in to the orphanage we went. My brother was odopted right away but I had what you call a hairlip and no one wanted to have me. It was physical at first you know beatings and the like but then strange thing started to happen.. I was told to suck and swallow and then things went in the back door. I ran away and lived on the streets for quite a while until I got caught and returned to the orphanage at which time I was greeted with a rape by three of the staff and forced to give blow jobs until I got out of the cage. I ran away again and into the hands of a person I thought could be trusted. He tied me in his basement where he sold me to people to rape and mutilate my genitals with pins and soddering tools and the like. It was only after the blood came out of my rectum non stop did he dump me on the side of the road completly naked, battered and bruised. After a short stay at the hospital it was back to the orphanage and I
was welcomed back with more rapes and the rectum started to bleed again so one of the staff cut my scrotum to cover up what was bleeding and my testicles were hanging out so they to me back to the hospital where someone took the time to listen and I was sent to a foster home where it started again slowly but steadily there were older siblings who liked blow jobs so I was forced to do to them and all their friends. I lived there for almost six months and ran away. I have lived on the streets since then under the radar. I can't survive any longer but I wanted someone to know. So there you are. All is done





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Child Abuse Story From Maureen

by Maureen
(Location Undisclosed)

Starting at age three, my father would bounce me up and down on his erection...I watched him plunge my mother's head into a toilet and flush. I grabbed his leg to stop him and he kicked me away... my mother died when I was six... eight days later he remarried...my stepmother immediately threw out all my baby pictures and any pictures of my mother...my stepmother used to make me wear the same clothes to school every day so she would not have to do the laundry... my father continued to be sexual with me and my stepmother was jealous...she was incredibly emotionally abusive




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Child Abuse Story From Heather L

by Heather L
(Location Undisclosed)

Still Hurting After 21 Years: 
My abuse happened from the age of about six, until I was about 8. It happened repeatedly and not only by one person. I think the most significant person that was sexually abusing me was our babysitter. I am the only girl and have 3 younger brothers. I do not remember all of the details, nor do i remember when or exactly how it started. I think I blocked most of it out of my mind. I first realized what was happening to me was wrong while I was in the first grade. This is atleast months after the abuse had been going on. I recall breaking down in the class while the teacher was speaking about the parts of the body that were off limits from anyone to touch. I left the classroom crying and went to the guidance counselors office. I did not tell her what I was so upset about. I went home that day and found it hard to do my homework because I had missed the explanation of it while I was out of the classroom. So, I asked my mother for help with it. When she asked me why I didnt know how to do it, I told her I had missed the instrution. As she proded as to why I wasnt in class, I felt like I could then tell her what was going on. She did not believe me, or just simply did not want to have to do anything about it. So the abuse continued. I am not sure if he actually had sex with me, because as I said before, I think I have burried those details deep in my memory. I do however remember going to the bathroom and wiping blood from my vaginal area. I ended up moving to live with my father when I was about 8 1/2 years old. So the abuse from him stopped. I told my dad about it when I was around 12. I had also been molested by one of his close friends that was watching me one day while he had to work. I never told him because I was scared of what my dad might do. I also had come to believe that I was a sexual object to be used by anyone that wanted it. I started having sex when I was 11. I didnt realize until later in life that I didnt respect myself as anything more than a sexual object, and actually it took me until I was about 22, when I had my daughter. I thought I was healed then, boy was I wrong. As I said before I am now 27. I am attending college to become a registered nurse. It is finals time and I had to choose my own topic for my psychology oral presentation. So I chose child molestation, thinking I am over my own issues. As I started to read more and more, I began to realize how truly emotionally and psychologically messed up I am. All of my relationships have gone bad. Either because I become the provider/protector, and stop caring about what I need or want, and what will make me happy, or because I unconciously sabatoge the good relationships. I choose men that are unavailable,whether that be emotionally or physically. I never got closure. I never had anyone to listen to me. And to this day, my mother still will not speak to me about what happened even though I have attempted. I really do not have anyone in my life that I can depend on. I feel like I am lost. I am in a relationship now with a man that I think is wonderful, and I can not help but think that I dont deserve him, or that our relationship is even as meaningful as I feel it is. Everything that I was reading about the abused is exactly how I feel, or act. I feel like I'm not lovable, ugly, etc. All of these feelings go out the window if I'm drunk though. I feel like my whole life I've been living in denial. I have been abused physically, emotionally, or sexually my whole life. I am writing this because I felt ispired to tell this part of my story as soon as I saw that it was an option. I didnt even think twice. I guess it is a good thing that I finally have realized all of these things even though it is so many years later. I dont know where this letter will go, or if it will be helpful to anyone, but I hope that it is. Now that I have had this epiphany, I am going to seek help asap, because I refuse to let this ruin the rest of my life. Thank you for giving me the knowledge that I obtained from this site, and also this outlet to tell part of my story.




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Child Abuse Story From Ruby

by Ruby
(USA)

That day I only remember some part of that day.. I was about 5 or 6 .. Well I remember it was a school day and I remember I didnt went to school I believe I was hurting from my stomach.. I remember I was laying in the bed and my aunt was rubbing my stomach to help me from that pain I had in my stomach. My aunt told her dad or my dads dad to help her rub my stomach because it was time to pick up my brothers and cousins from school. So he started rubbing my stomach and suddenly I felt weird he was touching me in my vagina and I was scared and didnt move . It was hurting me bad that in my little head I was thinking about my aunt to come home to save me from that animal that I hate! I dont remember if he did it again. But im 22 years old now and I cant forget that nightmare. Nobody of family knows about it. I didnt told my mom because she left me when I was 4 for another guy. My dad raise me but didnt told him either. I dont know what to do I want to get out of my head I blame my mother about this if she hadnt left me for this guy that she is still with him it wouldnt had happen. I talk to her but I dont have the guts to tell her what happen. But now I have 3 kids and I have a husband that I know he is not abusing my kids but in my head I think he is I dont know if is my past that make me think that he is.. I think i need help because im thinking of leaving my husband just because im thinking he doing it with my kids. He dont know what happen to me in the past.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Bill

by Bill
(USA)

First off, I am a 46 year old male. Married for 23 years. I am not sure where it came from but I suddenly remembered something that happened to me as a child at about 6 yrs old. Parents took me to a cousins house in another city. Mom and her Sister went shopping and left me in the care of my female cousin. The memory is sort of patchy but I remember the 14 year old cousin getting me to take me clothes off and she took her cloths off. She wanted me to perform oral sex on her but i refused. I knew it was wrong. She then talked me into getting on top of my also naked 6 year old female cousin. She had a pornographic magazine and showed a photo of what it was supposed to look like. As a six year old I did not respond sexually. The 14 yr old attempted oral sex on me to stimulate me which did not work. I feel used and have always been hesitant to really open up to people including my wife. I wonder if this is why I am hesitant to trust people? Well, That is my story. I know it is not the worst thing that could happen but I feel so bad about it. I feel like I was exploited and taken advantage of.




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Child Abuse Story From Zakary

by Zakary
(USA)

My dad hated me. No matter what I did it was never good enough. I am twelve years old and have an I.Q. of 148. I tried so hard for my dad to love me. I tried hard in school, because he called me stupid. I stopped sleeping, because he called me weak. I stopped eating, because he called me fat. One day, the day my friend found out what was going on, because he caught me throwing up on purpose in the bathroom. When I went home I was looking out the window and their were full beer bottles beside me. I turned around to move away from the window and my elbow knocked into the beer bottles. They fell to the floor and broke. I was so scared. I started to hide the pieces under a chair when my dad came in and picked me up by my wrist. He then punched me in the face, causing me to have a black eye. He continued punching me until I got away and I ran as far as I could until I came to a bridge. I was standing on the ledge when a woman with short hair came up to me and started talking to me. Sooner or later there were a few police officers there as well. They all listened to my story and I felt so happy. Now I'm in a forever home with really nice people. I have a mother and father that love me very much and I'm so happy to be able to share my story.




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Child Abuse Story From Danielle For My Daughters

by Danielle
(California, USA)

Family of Girls: 
On December 6, 2011, my oldest daughter, who is 4, disclosed to me, that her dad and her step-mom had put swishy orange beads up her chochoa (vagina in venezuela), her father and step-mom are venezuelan.

I called cps and made a police report. the police said that there was not enough evidence to pursue the case, and the detective decided to talk to the father about it, that maybe he would admit it, guess what, he didn't. The detective told me that he needed more than just a statement from a 4 year old.

So, guess what, I had to send to them back for his weekend, on the 21st, you should have seen the look of fear in her eyes when I left. HEARTBREAKING!!! I was told that it was very human of them to still let me spend time with the girls over the holidays. Until...

On the 24th, Christmas eve, I pick the girls up, and as soon as we got home, my oldest broke down and cried as soon as we safely home, and she was in my arms. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she was scared. Of whom, I asked, she said her daddy, because he had hurt her again. I asked her if she hurt in her special area, she told me it was just red.

I called cps once again, oh and by the way, after making the report, cps never got hold of me once. I made another police report, and haven't heard from them since. It took the detective over a week to finally interview her, on the first incident, and haven't even heard from them regarding the second.

Finally, I get an interview for her with cps in a different county, where we live actually. The incident occured in a different city and county.

The interview with cps, didn't go so good, because by the time that interview took place, too much time had passed. Reminder: first disclosure Dec 6, 2011, the second disclosure Dec 24, the interview took place Jan 3, 2012. The interview pretty much placed me as tainting the girls, because I didn't watch what I was saying while talking about it. They saw me crying, heard me speak bad about them, and pretty much told the social worker, that the reason that hate and think daddy is a monster, is because mommy said so. Not directly but indirectly, lesson learned, sure, but now what.

I had to hire a lawyer to help me in this situation. I am a survivor myself, and my mother did nothing to protect me, and here I am trying to do everything I can to protect my daughters.

Now, finally I am addressing my issues through inner child therapy, but I am still angry. I know it's not their fault, but I seem to blame them in my most stressful moments, I'm afraid I am .... I can't say it.

I don't know how to talk to my daughters without being mad at them. I know it's not their fault, and I am angry at myself, I feel responsible, especially when I let them go back the 2nd time. My 4 year old, after she told me about the second incident, I told her I love her, and that I was sorry for sending her and her sister back. And do you know what she told me, she said, "Mom, that was very bad to let me go. You said you would protect me." Another HEARTBREAK!!!! She doesn't want to talk about it anymore, and when she did, she was starting to get confused. I don't know where to go from here. I got a temporary restraining order, and court is very soon, but I don't know what to do in the meantime. I don't know how to protect them from anymore harm.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Lisa

by Lisa
(Michigan, USA)

I am now 29 years old and I still struggle from the heart aches of my child abuse. I believe I was abused in nearly every single form of abuse there is. It started only a few years after I came into this world. I am not sure the exact age but I was a toddler. My birth mother had severe schizophrenia. She had witnessed her father beat her mother to death at the age of 2. Because of this, she suffered agression. Her father left her and her sister, a baby, in an orphanage and deserted them. Because of her agression, my mother was taken out of the orphanage and locked in a mental insitution from age 8-27, nearly all her life. She was drugged and abandoned and felt alone. It was here she developed her schizpohrenia. When she got out of that prison, which is now shut down...many years too late, she met her husband, my father, who was a lietenent in the war. He had served in Vietnam. He had a lot of rage and aggression from things he had seen and he took it out on my mother, throwing beer glasses at her and my older brother and sister, of whom were taken away at a young age becuase of his violent rage. One day he missed my mom and got my older brother who was a new born baby. I was born in 1982, a few years later. My father had died of liver issues from drinking too much alcohol and he had alot of other medical problems as well. The social workers told her that if my dad lived and she had another child by him, I would be taken away. She told me that she didn't put his name on the birth certificate or tell him that she was pregnant with me so I wouldn't be taken away. My first real bout with sexual abuse was one night when she left me with a black man, both my baby brother J-- and me. Both J-- and I were raped, beaten and strangled with belts. I remember during the rape, the phone rang. He told me not to tell. I didn't tell I was raped, but I told her that I wanted her to come get us. She said she couldn't until she cashed her check from the government. I realize now that I don't like talking on the phone much since that day. I never really felt like much happened from that phone call and it associates with that day. I think subconsciously I still think back to that day. I told my mom I had tripped on some steps. She took me to the hospital that next day, they took down my comments but still sent me home back to the abuse. Social Service was still closely following us. They saw the filthy apartment we lived in where rats ran around in the apartment, we barely got enough to eat. Our stomaches were big and round from malnutrition and our hair was starting to fall out. My mom never showed us how to brush our teeth so they were rotted out and we were lucky to get to a soup kitchen once a day or eat raw hotdogs, candy and coffee in my bottle which my mama called slurpee for me. Me and my mama moved alot. Most of the time I slept on a matress with her and her boyfriends or in the playpen with J--. She let me watch movies with her like exorcist and laughed when I cried. But even through all this pain and trauma, I loved her. She was my mama! A turning point in my life came when I was four and a half, though these are the only two abuse times I remember, there were most likely many others. The second molestor was her boyfriend and had been a convicted child molestor. The social workers had warned her not to leave me alone with him. But she was stubborn and didn't believe even though he had been convicted. He sweet talked his way into being allowed to watch me for free. I don't remember much about the abuse except laying naked on top of him. This was the first time I learned about dissociation and I saw myself from the ceiling looking down on him. He didn't beat me or hit me, he just molested me. Next thing I know the cops are nocking and the door and he screamed at me to get dressed. I was taken away that day. It was another scary moment for me because I learned about abandonment and felt abandoned by my mother. I went to foster homes. One foster home was a black family because I'm part black, white, native american and hispanic. I screamed everytime the foster father came home because of how badly traumatized I had been. They understood. My brother was reunited with me and we went to another foster parent of elderly ladies who pierced my ear with some sticks and I got an ear infection. I went to my first counseling session at age five, talk therapy. I was sexually more knowledgable than most children my age, and had to learn alot of things most kids took for granted. I was a failure to thrive child. My brother and I were finally adopted by a great loving family and for many years we were happy. Unfortunately my story doesn't end there. Eventhough my adopted siblings knew I had been raped, one of my adopted brother's and his best friend saw me coming out of the bathroom one day and asked to see my privates and they would show theres. I showed and they touched me and had me touch them. They told me not to tell. I didn't want to get taken away again and start any more trouble so for many years I said nothing. My cousin also fondled me around the same year. I said nothing but held it inside. I didnt want to get anyone in trouble. I was a people pleaser type. I have gone through many counselors since then, at least 15-19. One day my mother read my counseling therapy book and saw what I was saying. She got upset that I was saying something like this about her child to ruin him. This hurt me so much especially since I was not ready for them to find out. It hurts that they do not believe me and now to them I am just someone who makes stories up. I sometimes blame myself for not being strong to tell when I was younger. I have always had a close relationship with my family since they found out it has been ruined. My biological brother died when I was 12 years old so I feel alone. I got in touch with my biological family after high school and close to my sister and mother, of which my mother died recently. My adopted mom still talks to me but I know she is ashamed of what i say about her blood son. I know they say they love us but sometimes adopted children are just scape goats. I have gone through severe anorexia nervosa in my teen years and am constantly suicide.I am lucky to be alive for the first time I was suicidal at age 13, I took all the over the counter drugs from the counter and started taking each bottle. Other than a temp of 105, nearly passing out and having hallucinations, I prayed to God and He heard my prayer and delivered me. I know suicide is a sin but sometimes the pain is just so intense; molestion, betrayal, abandonment and loss are some things a person need not go through in there life. I know it is over but sometimes if feels as if I'm reliving it over and over. I wonder what does God still have for me to do and when is He going to take this pain and agony away from me. Love a still grieving girl.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Ashley

by Ashley
(Scotland)

i think it all started when i was about 6 or 7. i remember my dad would come into my bedroom and he would start touching me. This went on for a while then he started lying on top of me he told me if i told anyone he would kill me and the rest of the family. this all went on till i was about 9 then whenever everyone was asleep or out he raped me i think it happed a couple of times before he stopped. i have fainted regulary siece i was about 13 and had blackouts and nosebleeds due to the stress of keeping it all bottled up. when i was about 16 i got really depressed and this is the first time ive told anyone. i dont want to tell my mum because she asked me if he did anything to me and at the time i didnt remember and i said that he didnt. but i am happy to say my mum and him are no longer together. i am now 18 years old and because of what he did to me i dont liked to be touched anywhere and i cant even let my mum hug me. i wonder if this is normal after something like this. all through my life i have been very quiet and shy i dont make friends easily and i find it hard to show my emotions.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Tina

by Tina
(Missouri, USA)

I feel like no one understands me or know where I come from. I have a lot of mixed feelings about the abuse that I suffered up on the adults that was supposed to take care of me protect me because that I know it has effected me in so many ways, I lost my child hood and I lost the happiness that I should have, I can’t even have a normal relationship with a guy.

I always wanted parents to love me and take care of me but I did not have that and sometimes I feel like if I was even worthy enough to have parents to care for me. and I wonder why no one wanted me as a child or a teenager sometimes I wonder if I was that bad or a horrible kid. When I was in Stepping Stones I did not trust anyone except Mrs. A and Mrs. R but sometimes I feel like they did not understand me at times.

When I was in Stepping Stones I never tried to get into trouble because I was always afraid of being punished. I would not even have sex with a guy because I was afraid of what everyone at Stepping Stones and my case worker would think of me.

I hate my father and I don’t understand why he did what he did to me I’m so angry and why didn’t everyone pay any attention to me to even notice what was going on with me. I feel dirty and ashamed because what I had to do with my father and sometimes he even got me turned on with the dirty movies that he showed me which I did try to stop the feelings but I could not control what I was feeling but it worked but when that happen I did want to do something with him which that is totally wrong why would I want to do that I don’t know. But a lot of times I just wanted everything to stop I did not know how to say anything and I was so much a coward I know I was afraid to get him in trouble I loved him so much I wanted everything to be normal was I wrong to love him. When he touched me all over I froze I felt un comfortable laying there with no clothes on and his hand moving all over my body and just picturing that I just want to curl up in a ball where I feel safe because I can picture his face and it had a mustache and he had a short hair with a bald spot in the middle of his head and there is times when he shaved the mustache but from there I can remember he would move my hand to his thing and it hurts when he is doing oral sex I’m not sure why than there is times when he would have me perform oral sex on him which always made me feel really sick and than he would get on top of me he said he wanted me to have his baby and that was so gross I felt dirty and he would tell me go to take a bath and I try to get everything I would scrub and scrub and nothing would come off I felt like no matter how much I wash I’m never clean and sometimes he would come in and help wash me which I’m not sure why he did that.
Writing this I have some emotions come that I don’t know about because it is confusing like I shake and feel very nervous about talking about this and sometimes I wonder how everyone will judge me. I wanted to get pregnant by my father and I know that I was sick child by wanting to do that but when he mentioned it to me I was all forward to do it so I did not mind just to have sex with him so I can have a child all to my self and love and care for and that baby would have loved me back but I never got pregnant and I was so upset and I think GOD had different reason but in away I wished I did got pregnant back than because that would have been solid prove where he would have been behind bars and been charged with what he did to me. There is times that he would have me come in to the bathroom where he is sitting down in the tub because he had trouble standing but because he was taller than the tub his legs was spread about with his knees sticking up in the air and he would have me wash him then he would have me play with him than he would step out of the tub than take me to his bedroom and he would take my clothes off and he would start to do things with me. Every night when everyone is a sleep I would be still be up waiting for him to come to my room because he always does and when he does I will pretend that I’m a sleep In try to pretend that I was a sleep but he did not care and than when he was finished he would get up leave and left me there with no clothes on I would get up and clean my self as much as possible and there is times when I would scrub and scrub but I was not clean enough but I would put my clothes back on and I would cry and try to kill myself that night so I would not feel any of that pain I just wanted everything to go away. There is times when I will go sit in the closet curled up in a ball and hide and I would cry but than I get so angry so I had high heels and I would beat my self because that is what I felt like that I deserved it. This just some things I went through as a child I went through a lot more than this I’m now an adult and I feel ashamed and guilty for what happen to me and if I try to have sex I would feel gross have the time.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Lost

by Lost
(Location Undisclosed)

I don't even know how to start. I really don't remember when the sexual abuse started. It was when I was 4 or 5 up until I was 15 years old. He was my "grandfather". I still sometimes say, "my mother's father", oh how I hate to think of him. The thought of his nasty tongue down my throat makes me sick. I can still remember the smell and the restroom. My Grandmother was in another room and he took me by the arm and started kissing me in the bathroom. My grandmother came running when she heard me throwing up in the sink. He started laughing and was really nervous. It's amazing how far I can remember when I start writing about it. He did everything from making me take off my clothes and touching himself to having an orgasm on my legs. I wonder how in the world he had so many chances to do these actions and why my mother left me alone with them when she herself and my aunt went through the same abuse with him. He touched me everywhere and would make me sit on his private to move back and forth with clothes on. He threaten me with killing me and my family with a knife on my throat so I just never said anything. I got to the point to where even two uncles(two of his sons)molested me also. One kissed me and the other went all the way with me when I was about 14 or 15. I feel so ashamed because I remember just laying there stiff thinking it was wrong but then it was'nt. I also had cousins trying to be with me but thank God there I was able to get away from it. I hated my mother and resented her for allowing such things. I say "allow" because she went through it and why did she let me stay with them? Or even close to where he was at? She also put up with my fathers abuse for years. Drugs, alcohol, and women were my fathers life. This has scarred me for life. I grew up knowing about sex too early in life. I later found out that he molested my younger brother, cousins, and a younger sister of mine but she was able to stab him with a pencil and ran. I told my mom, aunt, and uncle this when I was 20 and I went into detail just last year about everything he would do to me. My brother also fell into medication abuse and cocaine use. I tried suicide but younger sister noticed me and yelled for my parents and they took me to the ER where they pumped charcol in me. I ran away from home at 16 with my then boyfriend and we married but did'nt make it. My marriage lasted 6 years. He cheated the whole time. Well after that I came back home and met a guy. It's weird to me now how you easily sleep with a guy to feel loved or you want to "please" them..after you have been abused as a child for so long. I started drinking and he introduced me to drugs(cocaine)which I quit right away. I let him start controlling me and he was abusive also. Why did I stay there for so long? I still don't know. But, the sad thing is that I also met a wonderful guy that loved me and cared for me. He worked out of town so I was only able to see him once every month. I was really lost. I was going through a divorce and sleeping with two guys. I have so much shame and guilt because this lasted for almost a year. The out-of-state guy (the loveable one) later became my husband but I never told him what I did. YES! I do feel horrible and will always carry this guilt because not only did I do that but also kissed 7 other guys in a years frame after the first guy I met but while still being with my caring boyfriend! I know I did'nt love him at the time because I'm sure I would'nt have done what I did. But, he did'nt deserve ANY of it!!!!! As I did'nt deserve what happend to me. Alot of people say that when you are abused as a child you become promiscuous. Is this what I was going through? I hate myself for allowing me to marry him after he thought he had this wonderful loving girlfriend. Im not going to say he was perfect. He was controlling in his way also. He was the mexican "macho" type. Its been 7 years since I did that and I want to tell him but I know it will end in divorce. He says he cannot forgive. I don't want to lose him or hurt him also. Ever since moving in with him, I never cheated on him again and we married later. I don't know what to do. My life has no meaning. This "grandfather" of mine is still living a happy life and my grandmother never believed my mother, aunt and I about the abuse. To top it all off! He also tried touching his son's wives! 3 of them! They scared me of causing my grandmother a heart attack if I reported now. Which I can't anyways cause it has been so long ago. I have a messed up family. I cannot have children and that depresses me even more. Please do not judge me. I have called myself every word in the book. I hit myself all the time and have bad OCD. I also suffer from depression and anxiety. I will NEVER love myself. I could have had the "perfect" life with my now husband but I ruined it! And now I will live with the guilt of hurting him without him knowing for the rest of my life. I constantly have suicidal thoughts. I really do not want to live anymore sometimes. Thank you for reading my story.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Destinychild

by Name Undisclosed
(Hawaii, USA)


For many years I look back at the child I once was, the little girl who sat silently in the corner reading books about far away places. My dream was simple I wanted to belong, be accepted,cared for and protected. I grew up in a family that was very abusive. I sometimes wonder do they remember the daughter who they handcuffed to a bed and raped, do they remember the daughter who they got pregnant at 13, do they remember the girl who laid there night after night frightened. There was no room in my father's house for weakness, do they really know what it took to survive 15 years of abuse, torment, rejection. I remember that little girl who sat in the bathroom cutting her body to take the pain away, I hope in some small way those that hurt me, I forgave you. The day I ran away I knew what I had to give up. I knew I would never see you again. I am an adult because of what you did to me, I am the person I became. I sew dresses for children in 3rd world countries to keep sex traffickers from taking them. I can't change what you did to me but I can make a difference in a child's life to keep her safe. I am a mother, we raised her daughter in a safe home, I know the true meaning of being a mother. Because of my childhood I made sure my daughter never had to experience what I did. I wrote this to set my heart free that I walked away from you and never looked back, I have a life filled with good caring people who love me for the person I became, I am only sorry that you didn't even try to know the kind person inside me. You took away my childhood, I took something so damaged and I created a life filled with the things that's important, trust, compassion and honesty. I became everything that you were not. I know the true value of being a solider, the honor you feel deep in your soul. I am only sorry to my family you didn't get to share my life with me. When I ran away I shut that door opened a new door, to create a life to be proud of.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Don

by Don
(Alberta, Canada)

Thank you for the information. It makes me realize that I have never faced the demons that have tormented me in life. So here is my story:

When I was about 2 yrs. old I would bang my head against the bars on my crib so hard that I would cut myself and bleed all over the place. My parents didn't know what was wrong with me so they took me to several doctors and they could not figure out what was wrong. Finally my dad suggested they take me to see a psychiatrist. I ended up in the Montreal General child psychiatry unit where they did tests on me. When they were done, the doctor told my mother that there was nothing wrong with me and that they had given me an I.Q. test and that I had scored one of the highest I.Q. tests ever scored at that age in the city of Montreal. He also told her that there was a very thin line and that I would either do very well in life or very poorly and that there would be no in between for me. Well, my whole life has been that way.

My mother was extremely abusive toward me even as a baby. When we were visiting my aunt and uncle's house she would throw me on the bed (not put me to bed) and tell me to go to sleep or else. My uncle would feel sorry for me and come and lie down with me until I fell asleep. I grew up being blamed for everything that broke down in the house whether it was the t.v. set or the stereo even though I had a brother and 3 sisters. Only I was to blame. She would beat me with her fists and swear at me and tell me how much she hated my guts, she couldn't stand the sight of me, she wished I would have died at birth (which I nearly did and needed an operation to survive), I was detestable, and even up until I was 16 and finally ran away from home she would force me to go to bed at 7 P.M. to get me out of her sight, etc. This went on on a daily basis, not weekly....daily!!

True to her word of getting me out of her sight from the age of 9 yrs. old she would send me away to different places for the summer as soon as school was out, from my dad's best friend's farm where I virtually went through child slave labour to her aunt's camp up north of Montreal, to a french boarding school even though I could not speak the language and then finally to the Alan Memorial Institute where the infamous Dr. Cameron was doing his C.I.A. backed electric shock treatments. She claimed that I had had a personality change and being that I was only 15 at the time, I had no choice but to be kept there. I had a terrible life after that as I had problems forming relationships whether male or female and I could not keep a job...I counted 26 jobs in one year. I eventually moved to another city where I married, but I led a very promiscuous life and ended up abandoning my family. I could not handle the pressure of responsibility. Now I am paying for it because my children no longer wish me to contact them even though they are in their 30's and were extremely violent towards me the last time I tried to contact them. This is the first time I have really tried to talk to someone about why I hurt so much inside and it is very difficult for me. I wish I could have had someone to talk to years ago when I was still a young boy. Now, it is too late and my life is ruined and I can never live down the things I have done. I stayed away from my children after their mother and I divorced because I did not want to end up abusing them the way my mother did me...it had to stop here, and it did.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Miss L

by Miss L
(Location Undisclosed)

im 12 years old and a girl. Lets say my name is Miss L. My dad used to be an alchoholic and abuse all of my siblings. I had no idea of this until he started to do it infront of me.The first time, my brother called to me that they were playing around.As my drunk father slurred insults at him and threw plates and glasses at him. I was 5 and belived him. Not knowing any better, i went back to bed and fell asleep to the sound of them argueing and the sound of slapping. I blame myself for beliveing my brothers attempts to protect me and not saving him...

In the morning, i went down stairs to blood on the carpet and the house looked like world war 3 had happend.I imedietly ran to my dad's bedroom and told him i thort somebody had broken in. I wish i hadnet. As soon as he stood up from bed i saw the blood on his hands and shirt. Most was from his own nose, but i gues the rest was from my brother. HE WAS ONLY 14! i ran away from him through shear fear. I went directly to d--. (my brother) he was in bad shape. i sat and hugged him for what seemed like hours before we both fell asleep.

Thats pretty much how things went for the next year. The same with all 3 of my siblings. My mother had died whilst in laybour with me so we all had nobody. He never touched me though. He said many times that i was the good one, that he wouldnt lay a finger on me.He was a cold hard lier.

It only happend once and i dont want to talk about it yet.I was 7 at the time.I didnt bleed, but i had many bruises. After it happend to me, D--, me and my 2 sisters ran away and now live with our mothers parents.They are so lovely and caring. They are the nicest people in my life. I would just like to say that my brother pulled us together again. HE was the one that saved us and fought for me and my sisters when we were being abused.I love you d--.

Thank you for letting me share my story. IT DOES GET BETTER, I PROMISE! DON'T GIVE UP HOPE, AND NEVER THINK NOBODY IS THERE FOR YOU. everyone has a saviour and i hope you all found yours, or will find them soon xx

Love :
Miss L




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From June S

by June S
(California, USA)

Daddy's Little Girl: 
I am a 48 year old female and I just found out my abuser was my Father. I am so angry, hurt and feel deceived. I have been searching for answers for years and the person was right in front of me. I have felt empty since I can remember, always seeking validation and approval. I have to find a way to forgive myself and move on. My thoughts and actions need to change and I need to find a way to take better care of myself. I am currently 120 lbs overweight this weight I've been carrying around is all the shame I have felt for all those years. I pray I shed this extra weight and release my pain.

No child should be abused, they are innocent and need to be protected. How do we do this when the abuse is in the family's home?




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Janet

by Janet
(New Jersey, USA)

From an early life: 
My parents were both alcoholics. From a very early age I can remember the beatings, stitches, hospital visits and police officers visiting my home.
My mother was the worse, she would drink from 10am on...
I remember crying because I did not want to go home. If it was Friday, I would shiver with fear and hope there was another family friend so that the attention would not be on me. My mother was so jealous of any attention I received from my dad.
We were a large family, my mother gave birth to her first child at 13. We were 14 in all. By the time I was born there were only 4 of us left in the house. My siblings would run away or stay out all night leaving me with my abusive mother and a father who was so afraid of my mother due to the numerous stabbing my mother inflicted on him.
At 7 years old my older brother came to live with us, strangely enough he would give me a lot of attention for the wrong reason. Touching in areas that I knew were wrong but who was I going to tell. This went on for 4 years until my mother threw him out for drinking her alcohol. Big brothers.. I thought they would protect!!
I was beat so often, dragged by my hair across a room. Slammed against a wall I was even stabbed in my arm for not doing dishes fast enough.I am in my 40's have had severe migraines and mild seizures.
I look back and think what did I do to deserve that. My grades were good, I was respectful because I had no choice otherwise. I did not party.. Why me..
Its been several years since my parents died and I don't miss them, I have anger, I made a promise to myself never to treat my children that way. I was given a chance to live by GOD above.. I would love to help others. Thats my mission!!




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Child Abuse Story From Star

by Star
(Location Undisclosed)

I am Physcially abused,bullied and nelglicted. Im hit or choked when i do stuff wrong.I wanted to comit suicde but stopped myself at the moment.I had the worst life.My mom didnt care about me she cared about my new stepdad and family members.The only one who cared and supported me was m dad. At school im called Oreo (as the cookies) I get gossiped about though. ITS usally hurtful.

Today my mom still hits me and neglects me but toned it down, The oreo thing and gossip stopped and now i can hang with my friends.




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Child Abuse Story From Shirl For My Daughters

by Shirl
(North Carolina, USA)

I was abused sexually by my uncle, when I was about 6 years old. I am now 53 years old, I married an alcholic and bore 2 girls. One of my daughter's was born with a rare disability. My marriage ended with divorice.I, then married a man whom was very physically abusive! He slizzred himself in, with compassion for my handicapped child, offering help at every turn. I fell for this man. He was what I needed at the time, only to find he would beat me and try to murder me as time went by,and 2 kids later I went into hiding and a divorice. Then, I met a man so gentle and loving I couldn't Imagine life without him, he seemed so much like my gentle, loving father! Much to my surprise after 16 years, I learn he abused 2 of my 3 daughters!! Why didn't I see him for the abuser he was??? My girls are 30 and 20 and They are just confiding in me. What can I do to bring him to justice??? I am unemployed, with a genetically handicapped child. I don't know where to turn.Please look at my life and be aware of decieving men who want to help you survive abuse.They may be using your pain to further abuse you or your children..... Hopeless here in NC




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Child Abuse Story From Therese

by Therese
(Missouri, USA)

Incest by Marriage: 
When I was 11 years old the abuse started at the hand of my brother in law who was in his thirties. My eldest sister and I were as close as mother and daughter. In fact, we practically raised me because my own mother was depressed and hospitalized off and on throughout my childhood. She went away to college and I felt abandoned. But, on a positive note, that made my mother and I extremely close. I was once again her baby and she my beloved Mommy. My sister got involved with a man when she was in her mid twenties and finally home from college. She still considered me her "baby" and would take me everywhere with her and thusly this finally included her future husband. She would leave me in his care quite often when I would spend the night. It all started with back rubs and almost full body massages. What 11 year old needs a full on body massage from a 30 year old man? I remember one night in particular when he had me undressed and I was about 12 at this time. I remember wearing a Snoopy shirt that was long so it came down to my upper thigh. This was all I was wearing. This is how my sister found me and him with him giving me a massage almost naked. THis was the first act of betrayal, when she came home she called me upstairs to where she was changing and grabbed my face with her one hand, just her fingers and said, " I dont ever want to catch you like that with my husband again". She was blaming me, like I was seducing him or something. Over a period of years, from 11 til about 14, other instances occured. He liked to feel my pad when I was on my period. So he would hug me and grab me from underneath my buttocks and pull me up so we were face to face. He did this on a number of times. There were also extremly inappropriate movies that he would rent when he knew my sister would be gone and he would watch them with me. He would make me turn away, but he would watch them and got excited. I remember taking a nap on their couch after a day of apple picking at at a local farm and my face was against the back of the couch. I remember him starting to rub my entire body, he then would unhook my bra (my sister had one baby already and was pregnant with her second) He then started to rub closer and closer to my front until he had his hand on my breast and was rubbing it, touching my nipple with his fingertips. At that time, I knew it was wrong and all the pieces of the puzzle started to come together. I remember going into the bathroom after it happened and looking at myself with disgust and so so so ashamed. What the heck was I going to do? I decided to tell my sister what had happened. My brother in law told her that I was dreaming about him and was having erotic ones. She beleived him!!!! She decided that she should be the one to take me home that day to tell my mother. I could hear them whispering about it. My mother didnt beleive me either!!! As I got older, more memories started to come out and I would tell my mother every time. She started taking me to a therapist. That didnt help. Medications, didnt help. Hospitalizations, didnt help. All I needed was for my family to believe me and that would have eased a lot of the hurt, embarrassment, and torment that lasted for years to come. I had to continue on like nothing happened because I was the one that was making things up. More happened that I didnt share, but was sure no one wanted to hear the grisly details. I have tried to commit suicide on several occasions, I cut myself, and I'm sorry to say, I still have the inclination to do so and have. I now have a wonderful husband and a beautiful little girl. My sister is still married to this man and has 4 children with him, two are girls. I dont think my sister still beleives me, but it seems that my mother has finally come around, just this past Thanksgiving she had them over for dinner!! This has been the norm for several years now. She chooses my sister and her family over me, the victim - sorry, survivor of this man's abuse. I told her I would not come if he was there, but she had them anyway because of financial issues. Needless to say, this situation has been going on for years. I've had to attend birthday parties, baptisms, and various other family get togethers while he was there because everyone thought I was bored and making up all the things he did to me! I remember even the same year that I came out with everything we had a birthday party for him at my house. My mother even baked him a freaking cake! I was made to buy him a present. There is so much more that I can add that is in my heart, but I feel this is long enough. I cant stand my family anymore. I love them and dont want to see any harm come to them, but I cant stand the thought of being around them. Now I have this funny, adorable little girl and they all want to see her. I know it's wrong of me, but I want to keep her from them to punish! Why should they get to be a part of my little girl's life when all they did was ruin my childhood and adolecence? With the holdidays it makes it super hard. I wish I knew what to do. I pray for the answers, but my rage gets in the way of the answers I feel God is trying to give me. If I didnt have my daughter to raise and my husband in my life, I probably wouldnt be here now. Recently, my mother approched my b-i-l with everything and told him that he was not allowed over at family functions anymore. My sister was upset and didnt want my mom to do it. She is still in denial of the whole thing. He said that he feels regret over what he has done and knows that he has scarred me for life. He is going to attempt a letter of apology to me and the family for what he did. My mother had this talk with him over 20 years after the fact. I'm sorry, but in my mind it's a little late. Too much has happended and I dont trust that she is on my side yet. She has proclaimed that she now believes me and he is not allowed over anymore. But I dont believe her. I think when it comes time for another holiday to come around, she will back down and let him over again for my sister's sake. My feelings havent mattered for all these years, why should they now?




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Child Abuse Story From Niki

by Niki
(USA)

My mom remarried i had a step dad he hated me i thought it was because i wasnt his im ugly but i found out later that he had a step dad and he HATED him so he took all that anger out on me he emotionally abused me my mom didnt evan care she would watch tag along i could only turn to my aunt but my mom found out i was telling her storys and i was band from seeing her for months i was so upset i had no friends and my grades were droping i didnt know what to do.here is one story i will share with you...i was about 7 and i was going to therpy i had a temper tantrum pretty normal for that age but my stepdad called the cops i locked myself in the bathroom i was terrified they said that if i didnt listen i would have to sleep with them in the police station 2 years later someone tells me that it was just my stepdads friends.the worst part was that my dad had kidney failer and died the next year.




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Child Abuse Story From Melissa

by Melissa
(Location Undisclosed)

Heartless: 
the beginning was a blur to be honest, but there are a few beating that just stuck in my head. when i was 8 my father asked to get a flashlight bt i forgot so the man chasedme outside with a rake and hit me 2 times till i ran to my grandmas. then when i was 15 i cam home 2 minutes after curfue and he beat me with a belt, he left me welps and buises on my face, back, legs, stomach, and my butt icould barely walk. the most recent time was 3 days before my 17 birthday i was trying to ask him if i could have some feedom cause he still sees me as a little kid but because he drink he got furious slapped me as hard as he could twice and kicked me out. my mom begged me to come home but he acted like nothing happened i want out of here.




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Child Abuse Story From SB

by SB
(Location Undisclosed)

Her Life is Her Reality: 
First off I wasn't supposed to be born for my mother had crones disease and pancreas problems. My dad and mother constantly fighting , dad always out drinking. when i was 2 my dad left, and at 4 they divorced. My mom had custody of me and my older sister. We moved allot and her first boyfriend who used to beat me with a rubber hose if i even looked at him the wrong way. He would beat my sister, his two kids and the dog. my mother moved on to another guy, he was nice when you first met him but living with him is completely different. He would constantly beat my mother and hit me and my sister. My mom was on allot of different medicine, she would constantly over dose ( My sister, her baby, and me are the only sober ones in my blood line at the moment)because of my mothers pill addiction she was in the hospital, extremely ill.. Almost dead. for about when i was around 2 as well my mom went into a three month coma. and around 5 my grandma tried stealing me and my sister away from my mother purposely to ruin her life. My grandma is a alcoholic who used to have fits all the time. When i was around 9 i remember my mom chasing me and my sister around with a butcher knife trying to kill us. I remember crying for days thinking i am going to die any day when i was only 8 years old but that wasn't anything new. The policemen became family at this point in my life, coming over almost every other day. My mother's first boyfriend was a police officer which gave me a extreme fear of cops. After years of feeling nothing but pain, bruises and fear when i was 9 my dad got custody of me, before he got us my mom manipulated me and my sister that he didn't want anything to do with us. I was forced to grow up at a young age, because my sister didn't want anything to do with me, id constantly run away thinking that it would solve all my problems, but every-time i would just run back. The first couple of years living with my dad he was never home my stepmom didn't care about me nor my sister. When my dad was home all we would do was fight. Im 15 now, its been a while with my dad , but all good things must come to a end. I plan on moving back with my mom so my sister can move out away from my mom because i refuse to let her baby grow up seeing and experiencing all the abuse and pain i we went through. If it means that Im just spend the rest of my teenage-hood with my mother and leave all my friend just to insure that my sisters child grows up good then so be it because no-one should experience it and my sisters child still has a chance to be in a family, not a house. Home is were you should feel safe and happy. Leaving home is going to be the hardest thing i will ever do, going back to my ill abusive mother who pays rent by drug dealing now, i will have to get a job to support her and help with everything but its going to be worth it. The reason i have to live with her is because if she lives alone she will kill herself and i couldn't live without a mother when i need her the most. Theres more, but this is all i am going to type to prevent anyone in my family being token away. I appreciate my past, Im not glad about it but its what made ma a amazing person i am today and Im proud of me, not my parents but me. Its only My sister, Her baby and myself. There is no family anymore. Im only one person against the whole world, but theres people with worse lives so I live each day as good as i can incase its my last.




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Child Abuse Story From Matt

by Matt
(Connecticut, USA)

A son's cry in the dark: 
I have been abused sexually as a young boy by my ma's friend. I told my ma what he was doing and she said he would not do that. This went on for a long , it seems like it never stopped the memories still live inside me. People say get over it and move on. But how when you were violated and still to this day my family will not acknowledge it. I am the one that is messed up but where was their responsibilty. Why do i have to relive this hell on a day to day basis.
I remeber my underwear being covered in blood but still noone said a thing. HOw do we live and heal after this. Why is this not talked about in our society. They act like it is rare. If everyone looked in their families someone is being abused one way or another but we act like it is rare.




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Child Abuse Story From Dave

by Dave
(Nova Scotia, Canada)

Child sexual assault 30 years ago: 
Over 30 years ago i was made to perform sexual acts on my 2 uncles and i have been dealing inside ever since i thought at the time it was my fault for doing this i was scared to tell anyone and right now i would rather be dead then bring this out but my insides tell me it wasnt my fault ,i have just told my girlfriend about this and also brought it to my mothers attention but i am scared to death to push on but my girlfriend wants this taken care of i am 43 years old now and i do believe these family members have to come clean if not for my sake how many others have they done it to also, i also submitted a complaint to the justice board of canada.I have sat here and thought that a bullet would be the only way to ease the pain and suffering i am feeling not a day goes by its not in my head about what they had me do ,Thanks Dave




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Child Abuse Story From Georgia

by Georgia
(UK)

i was abused at a very small age of my mum because she was very depressed all the time she took drugs and blamed me for my dad leaving an took all her anger out on me she would hit me call me name all the time up until i was five then i went to live with my auntie then things got better but i'm still afraid to trust people and hate when people touch me even if it's just a hug and i hate it when people call me silly names i always feel like bursting into tears and all i can remember when they do that is my mum doing it to me and because of her i hate my self and feel depressed all the time and just want to die someday i really wish someone could of seen the signs sooner then maybe all those bad thinks would of not happened to me




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Child Abuse Story From Khaled

by Khaled
(Cairo, Egypt)

So many scars lie inside me, the forms of abuse are numerous, I remember when i was five or six I was hit so hard that i can still remember being slapped five or six time that now when i remember i always ask myself who hits a kid like that now incidents like this one are a lot , i have never heard a positive remark from my father instead he would just always be able to find the negative in any thing i do even being confined to my room so as soon as he got home i would have to go to my room and not be able to get out of it and the words if you want to leave this house then leave never leave my ears , i have so much repressed emotions inside me that i don't know what to do and sometimes now when i see him I look at him and van remember his hand slapping my face, i have never been able to let go of all of this, these emotions and memories just eat me up.




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Child Abuse Story From Kyle

by Kyle
(England)

well it started when i was about 4 years old. i used to remember being pushed down the stairs and once i remember waking up in hospital because my abusive mom had hit my head of the corner of the table.

i was sexually abused by my uncle when i was about 7-8 years old. i remember every weekend my mom would take me and my little brother to his house and when we were there he always used to ask if we wanted to play a 'game' which would usually mean me and my brother stripping down to our underwear and play fighting. back then i didn't know he was getting a kick out of it. one day my mom asked him to look after us for the weekend and i was just coming out of the shower when he walked in and touched my penis and he made me touch his back then i didn't know it was wrong but i remember feeling really dirty after. since that day every weekend he would make me do stuff to him which gradually turned into oral sex and then when i was 10 he raped me for the first time i remember after i just burst out crying and each time he did something he kept saying not to tell anyone.

when i was 11 we went on holiday with him and he made me and my brother do stuff to each other and he said that if we tell he would hurt us. after awhile i started to enjoy it - does that make me a bad person.

when i started learning about abuse in school i decided i would tell my mom but when i did she just yelled at me and then i got beat up about saying bad things about family, she grabbed me by my hair and chucked me down the stairs and then she would hit me with anything she could find like the rolling pins and belts she use to chase me around the kitchen with a knife.

im now 14 and im still going through the abuse of my uncle and mom ive only told 3 people what had happened to my and only my best friends belive i dont know what to do because im scared one day she will kill me.




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Child Abuse Story From Sally

by Sally
(England)

I was born into a single parent family which consisted of just me and my mum, until my step-dad to be came along when I was 5 years of age...
When I was five my now ex-step father would engage in sexual activities with me. One one occasion I remember touching his penis in a tent in the garden I remember he told me not to stop I also remember at the end asking if he didnt need the toilet any more, which now when I think in depth of what was really going on sickens me.
Another time I was at a three year old boys flat the one below me with the man where he performed a sex act on the boy and I remember being very scared and said you shouldn't do that he then called me over and well I think he got me to join in but I have no more memory from that event.
Another time I was crying and he got into my bed late at night/early in the morning I remember freezing in fear and again I cannot recall anything else.
he would often make sexually explicit comments regarding sex like if we look under the sea we will see that boys penis ...This stopped as I got older and I had a close relationship with this man it is only recently that I have eradicated the relationship we had to move on
I must note that when my mum broke up with this man she walked straight into a rather abusive relationship with another man who made a come on to me I was 13 and he would rub my inner thigh touching me through my clothes he told me I had a sexy voice pulled my hoodie zip ddown and rubbed me and came in my room in the morning and tickled me groping my chest he scared me and told me to tell him if he ever went too far with him... my mum has now ended this relationship too.




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Child Abuse Story From Linda

by Linda
(Location Undisclosed)

When I was a kid my parents used to take me to our family friends house. we used to go almost every week and spend time with their family. They had a daughter and a son that were about ten years older then me and another son that was about my age. While my parents talked to the parents the son that was 15 years old at the time would touch me. I let it go i never knew what was going on because I trusted him. And so every time we went over he would do this. After awhile i forgot about it but now being 16 I think about it and I feel disgusted with myself. I hear stories of abuse and I get flashbacks of it. It feels like a dream but it's too vivid for it not to be. My hands shake at just the thought of it and I look at my family and think how could you not know what happened.




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Child Abuse Story From Haley P

by Haley P
(Ontario, Canada)

I am a survivor (2011): 
Recently my uncle commited suicide. he did this because he did not want to go to jail and own up for his actions. he was going to jail because.. for five years he was molesting me. im 13 now and getting better slowly, but sometimes the hurt is still there. i dont want to think of myself as a victim, i hate how news reporters say "victim" i prefer survivor, because i survived it. i thought of ending my own life a few times. just because i felt like i couldnt tell him to stop. but i thought of my huge family and my little sister and my best friends. they would miss me so much. and one of the worst parts about it is if i did end my life and had not told anyone. it all started when i was five. i did not understand what he was doing was wrong. but as i got older i started feeling like something was wrong. and i told him to stop when i was around ten or eleven. later in the year we went back to his house. i was around twelve. he tried doing it again. so when i got facebook i decided enough was enough. so i deleted him off facebook and blocked him. he sent me a message wondering why i wasnt accepting his request for friendship. i told him i had LOTS of reasons not to accept his friend requests. he didnt respond after that. i was so scared when i went to tell my mom. i had my sister with me, my sister already knew what was going on. my mom went to talk to my dad for a while. i went into the garage and that was the first time i had ever seen my dad cry. we just stood and hugged and cried for a long time. the man who hurt me, his daughter came and visited me after he killed himself. she was so proud of me for what i did, and so was the rest of my family. i know that the saying says if ur being abused tell someone right now, i realized that i didnt have to tell when i was five THIS was my time to tell, and i was extremely brave and i have saved more kids than i will ever know. i am a survivor, not a victim and i encourage kids or adults like me to tell when they have gone through the traumatic abuse i have been through, maybe you wont right now, but you will choose when you are ready.




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Child Abuse Story From Crystalbelle

by Crystalbelle
(Washington USA)

Please learn from my mistakes - please tell : 
My story starts from my real father, he molested my sister and I. I was 6months and my sister was 19 months old. Mom left him. Our life was good, until mom went to work on a fishing boat. mom left us with a family friend. He molested his children, and my sister and i. I told my mom over the phone, come home now. She did within the week. I told my teacher what happen. I kept telling until someone listened. He was charged with molestation on 33 counts, but I was too young, and he got away with my charge. But I stopped it from happening to all the other boys and girls. Mom me and sister were happy, broke but a family. Mom my step dad. He was a preditor, he molested all of his kids, he adoptied my.sister and i. He beat, raped, hit, us all, he was in the military, he told me that if I told he would kill my mom and sister. I kept my mouth shut for years. I graduated college, have been married for 16 years, I never wanted kids, I felt trapped, and was eager to please everyone. I never did anything for me. When G-- died my life changed. I felt free for the first time. I do not lie about my abuse, I have had theropy.for years. I ask anyone reading this. Dont hide. Yell, scream, get help, they re sick, not u. Keep telling until u get help.




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Child Abuse Story From Tamaira

by Tamaira
(Missouri, USA)

i ran away to st.louis and at the time i was 15. I needed help and I was talking to this guy and he said he would help me. So i went along with him to his job. He was about 40-50 years old. He bought me food and earrings and . He asked me did i have him later, which at the time i aint know what that met so I went home with him. As soon as i get in there there is a gun sittin there. I was so scared. He asked me to pose naked with it and he video taped me. He had me strip. At one part he told me I was being hard headed because i wasnt doing what he asked. After that I layed down and tryed to fake and go to sleep, but that didnt work. He had sex with me. All I could do was lay there until he was done. He didnt care how old I was. He came in me and thought I was pregnant by him. God saved me. Now im sixteen and i just need help right now. I wanna turn him in but im scared.




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Child Abuse Story From Marie

by Marie
(Phillipines)

I was 7 years old when I first got a taste of the belt and its metal as I am writing this one, I am crying. My baby brother was only 6 months old, and I was an ecstatic sister, I held him in my arms and next thing I knew, I dropped him. He got a swelling in his forehead so I thought as a kid, I was already dead and I tried to cover up the swelling with some of his hair and baby powder. I didn't know what I was doing and when my father came home, he saw the lump and beat me with the belt. Years passed, we had a help in the house and he still would let me and my sister wash the dishes and help around the house, he would yell at us whenever we did something wrong, he would beat us for disobeying him, yell at us but he would put balm or ointment to the swelling of his own beat-ups. Whenever we disagree with him, he would shout at us, and would say how stupid, foolish and no-brain we are, me and my sister, most of the times, the way he treats my mother was also disgusting. When he's mad he would even throw anything he get his hands on to me, one incident was when I was 10 and me and my friends were playing go fish and due to my friend catting on me, I lost my temper and pulled her hairs out. My father was also at home, so when he knew of the situation he threw a water bottle at me. He was very strict, he didnt want me or my sister to go out with boys. I was in high school and I went on dates but secretly, without him knowing. I had boyfriends, but they wont last more than six months. He always threatened me that if he ever see a guy with me, he will shoot him dead. He would overreact if I had guy classmates I talked to, even grounded my cellphone coz one time a guy was calling me, I had no cellphone until I was senior in highschool. Then I met someone when I was already in 2nd year college. I fell in love with him at first sight and we flirted and sooner we hit it off. It was nothing serious, I dont let anyone in my heart and since my father is so paranoid, it was hard to go out with him, since he's also a public figure and many in our area knows him and our family. As a kid growing up, I was violent, I often get into fights, and was often called at guidance office. Until highschool, I was a bully, I beat up girls who got catty with me. Even my younger brother is a victim of my outburst, and when me and my younger sister would have fights, it was a brawl. My family portrait seems perfect, my father you can say is a philanthropist, and my mother is successful, but in reality we are miserable. Our home is a mess, we cannot talk back or fight for what we we really want with our father. I took up Marketing course because its what my parents wanted, not what I wanted. I went into his company because that was what he wanted, even though I am unhappy with my job. One time, me and my sister went home late from a birthday party, and he was waiting in the veranda and as soon as he saw me, his kick was flying towards me. I want to get another job that I would be happy at, but last time we talked it over, he called me ungrateful and almost hit me, but my mother intervened. My first love, the guy I met in college, stood by me, understood my situation, but lately, we are having fights and quarrels coz he wanted me to grow some set and stand up for what I want and not let my parents dictate my life, and I told him he dont understand, that I am 23 years old and as scared and helpless like a child who got beat up for doing something wrong, and would be called bad things when I talk back. My parents still dont know I have been going steady with this guy, and we have been together for 4 years now. I told him I am a coward and I am spineless and I said we should just break up coz I wont grow any spine for weeks or months. I want to get away from our house. I want to let my parents meet my loved one, but I am really a coward. I never trusted any guy, I have ADD and I am violent. I even beat up my boyfriend with a guitar one time I was drunk and we had a fight, and before I was close to crossing a busy street at night when we also had a fight. Because I felt no one loves me, and now he feels sick and tired of my situation and I think he feels I cannot stand up for him. I hope somebody tells me what to do, I will be losing the only love of my life because I cannot stand up to my abuser, my own father, who says he loves me but will do things who contradicts him being my father.




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Child Abuse Story From Alicia

by Alicia
(Colorado, USA)

Twice in my life: 
It all started when I was still reAl young about 4 before I stared school it was my moms boyfriend he would come into my room and he he touch me then to bribe me not to tell he would give me candy and when I would take showers or baths he would make me take them upstairs that way he could just walk in and ever he wanted to when ever he would he would leave the door open that at o could watch the older I had gotten he would start to tell me stuff like if yu tell I will hurt ur brother so I just stopped saying no and to keep him safe and until one day I went to school I was shaking real bad I had to say something I could not keep going through it so I say something and things got better The that I moved in wth my grand parents and then I was 7th grade an seen one night I was pretending to sleep and I felt a hands going down my pants and peeled my eye open and saw it was my cousin I different low what u do I was s scared and I Just let him so soon after a while he got comfortable and just did it day after day I said no once but thought it want wasn't going to work because of my first experiencesomething to aunt moved away and now that teenager grew up add he its now in the army and could not under stand how was it because he was under age at the time and now to this day I am 19 and still get scared to be alone with older men if they get close I start to get uncomfortable and just move away from them




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Child Abuse Story From Michelle

by Michelle
(Location Undisclosed)

I was four years old when this happened to me. Although up until my father passed away in 2010 I had repressed this part of my life for a very long time, but in the 5th grade around age 10 or so i had began cutting myself. I started by just scratching my skin with whatever I could find that was sharp enough to make me bleed. I was always happy, running around with the biggest smile, until I started hurting myself. When I did I changed very quickly, my own family didn't know who I was. They found out about my self injurious behavior when i was 13 because friends had started to notice. I was supposed to see social workers, psychologists and even stay in a mental hospital for a while but none of that happened for many other reasons such as threatening my parents that I would kill myself before I even got there. (they were scared to death and just made me happy and didn't follow through)

While all of this was going on with my self harming none of my family questioned why I was doing it and every social worker, psychologist and doctor I spoke to, I never even said a word to them because of how scared I was. Eventually they were forced to just let me go because I wasn't talking and there was nothing that they believed they could do for me.

Years have passed. I'm 20 years old now and I've been cutting for about 10 years. Nothing has been able to stop me and I'm not sure I ever will stop. Cutting has been the only way to help me deal with what I'm about to reveal for the first time to anyone.

When I was four or so years old my family always went to New York, most of my fathers side of the family is there and we always visited them at least 3 or 4 times in one month. One of the main houses we always went to was my uncle's. My father was the youngest in his family so I had cousins that were a lot older than me. My godfather is my uncle's son (also my cousin). When I was four my godfather was 24 years old.

Since I was his only god-daughter we had a really special bond and I loved being with him. I can't remember if I had just turned four or was closer to turning five but one weekend my family had gone to New York like any other weekend and we hung out with my cousins. My parents would often leave me and my sister at my cousin's house for the day to hangout, my sister was very attached to my older cousin L-- (my sister is two years older than i am) and they would always go out shopping together. I always stayed with my godfather because he babysat me most of the day.

On this particular day we were in his room looking at his model airplanes, he would tell me stories that always made me laugh. before I knew it we were sitting on the bed together, and he started to kiss my ears and pull me closer to him. I didn't understand what to do so I remember sitting there silent. He told me everything was going to be okay and that he loved me very much. He was kissing my ears, then down to my neck and eventually his hands were touching my genitals then had given me oral sex which then I instantly began crying and he stopped and sat me on his lap and said that he would never do anything to hurt me, and he continually said that if I loved him as much as he loved me that I would let him do this to me and never tell anyone because I was his favorite. And for the next 3 years I did. Most of all the weekends we went up there for the next 3 years it happened the minute my family would leave me there and his family was always working or doing things around the town. I never said or did anything because I did love him and I wanted to prove to him that I loved him, so I never spoke a word.

When I was 7 he had just turned 27 and had become a licensed jet plane pilot. He started to never come around anymore, Holidays were booked because he had to fly across the country most of the time. Whenever me and my family were going up to New York even if he was there, he would never come over to say hi and he would say he was too busy to baby sit like he used to. I had become the saddest kid because I felt so rejected by him, with each year passing I began to feel hatred for him. The abuse completely stopped at the age of 7 but my problems hadn't even started yet.

When my self harm began in 5th grade many other things followed, when I was in highschool i began performing oral sex on many different guys that went to my school, I had intercourse for the first time when I was 17 with a guy I had known for only a couple days. When I was 18, I was sleeping with four or five guys in a single month, also when i was 18 I began doing porn at a local place that my friend got me into, I was having sex with girls and men, and the producer of the porn facility. When I was 19 I had blacked out to a point where I was unconscious for a long time, and my friend's boyfriend's step brother had raped me while everyone was asleep one night after partying, he had me held down and choked until he finished inside me, calling me a dirty wh**e and a tease, and that i would be crazy if i thought he wasnt going to get it in with me. And up until this point in time I am a "sugar baby" which basically means that I have sex with older men for money and gifts.

Im now 20. I still cut myself to this very day, I've been in and out of treatments but have never stuck with any of them and have never been able to speak about my abuse. My worst pain is knowing my father died before knowing the truth about me. and now im still in the same position ive been in, and i dont have any hope of getting better, but telling my story has made me feel like maybe some day i could eventually tell someone.




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Child Abuse Story From Sasha

by Sasha
(Bermuda)

I was 10 when my mom married my stepdad and it was okay the first few weeks then he showed his true colors.

He beat me almost everyday. He would tell me I was nothing but A wh**e and That I was pathetic after a year of physical and Emotional abuse I considered taking my own life.

Things got worse when he started to Touch me and kiss me at night I tried to get away from him I screamed but NoOne Heard me.

After he Raped me for the fifth time I became sick I threw up I had cravings. I took a pregnancy test and It showed up Positive.

I couldn't believe that I was pregnant with my stepFathers child.

I didn't tell my mother because I was afraid of what she would say to me so I carried the baby and now three years later.

Me and my son live with a foster family my mother and Stepfather fled when they found out I was pregnant and a kind neighbor took me to the Hospital when my water broke.

I Still have nightmares are about what happened to me and I still bear a few scars of my ordeal as well

I'm 14 years old and a mother of a 2 year old boy




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Child Abuse Story From Danielle

by Danielle
(Location Undisclosed)

I have never been good at writing and I dont know where to start. Ok I'm am just coming to terms that I was sexually assualted 10 years ago and I remember it like yesterday. Facing these feelings are really hard but I want to change the lifestyle this has brought me to. I fall in and out of depression and don't really have anyone to turn to, at school I am mostly a loner and have one friend that I talk to. I want to tell some one what happened to me but I don't know if I could handle the shame and guilt that comes with it. When I was seven years old I was sexually abused by a teenaged family friend that was a girl. I guess this is what makes my story a little different I was a girl raped by another girl. I have a feeling that this is why I am attracted to girls. I have never seen this person again in my life but my father is still friends with her family. After, I became silent, and this and bullying sent me into depression at a young age. Months of it happened I became suicidal even though I didnt know what suicide was at that age. I have never really been into religion like my parents are but I feel that if there is a God then he wants me here for a reason since all my attempts have failed. I am tired of holding in ten years of shame, guilt, and anger. I want to help other girls who have been in my situation. I have very conflicting emotions about what happened I feel like it was my fault and deserved it and you can say that I feel lucky that it wasn't as bad as some people have had it and that I'm just being overly emtional about it. I'm not even sure if a girl can rape another girl, but it's always in the back of my head playing over and over.




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Child Abuse Story From Lizzy

by Lizzy
(Location Undisclosed)

It all started when I was born my mom was an acoholic she would always go out drinking she never hade time for me I would often go hungry for days. When I was inn grade 1 I would always move she would lose her job and she would always have a boyfriend her first one that I remeber was D-- I was only 6 he would beat me and my mom. I remember hiding under my bed from him I was so scared he was calling for me but I woudn't aswer him. The next year he was worse the police would come like 4 times a week. Finally my mom left we moved in a motel it was fine then she found a guy named M-- at first he was nice then we moved in with him he was drunk when he came home from work he woked nights my mom worked days when my mom was at work he would hit,kick,punsh me and call me names after mabey 6 months past he stared keeping me in my room and not leting me out I remember once I disobyad him. He made me drink acohol with him then he started sexsaully abusing me when I was 8 a month later on a weekend he almost killed my mom so we moved out and went to a different city to a womens shelter we were there for 4 months I liked it we would always get food we were SAFE. Until we moved out we were just living with my mom she went to bars every night I would have to takee care of my brother when I was10 we would starve. When my mom came home she would say we can't tell anyone ever then slap me a few times she pushed me down the stairs it went on like that for a while then she would make me sit watching her do drugs in grade 6 she told my soical worker that she didn't want us we caused to much stress in her life she saide she wouldn't take us so my mom told me and my sister to get out of her house and not to come back so we left we were on the streets she wonted us back in a week to take care of my brother. We went back my sister got a boyfriend he was 15 and nice 2 months after he started raping me he raped me everyday for 3 and a half months Iwas11 Then we went into foster care.




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Child Abuse Story From Teressa

by Teressa
(Queensland, Australia)

I am 35 years old now and I don't remeber much about my child hood ecept for the bad parts it started when I was 10 years old My worldly uncle was back from one of his overseas trips I remember being so excited to see him and in awe of him so much so that you could say I idolised him, I remember being in the front seat of his panel van my younger sister and one of my male cousins were in the back seat playing when he pulled his penis out and asked me to touch it, other things were said about it as well but I can't remember them, later that day there was a family party and I begged my mother to go with him to the party and meet her there, we were driving to the party but he pulled down a quiet street behind some shops I remember asking where we were going because the party was the other way he stopped and grabbed me, I had on a strapless pokadot dress that little girls wear and he pulled it down and was fondeling my breat and was sucking it, I new this was wrong so I said everyone is going to wonder where we are and he stopped, I know for a fact that if I had not said what I did that he would have raped me that day and I thank god everyday that he gave me the intelligence and strength to utter that small sentence but it has effected me so much in my life ( I didn't know at he time it was effecting me though I have figured this out by looking back over my life)I was very angry teenager that egged my mother on enough to get abused by her which is another story in it's self when I was about 16 I got the courage up to tell my mother about what happened to me and My mother basically said you can't tell anyone about this it will kill your grandmother that is when I left home and met my first husband he was very abusive sexually and physically to me and physically to my three beautiful boys after enjuring that for ten years I took my kids and left him he then took them away from me and I have had a another ten years of court battles to save them from his abuse which was worse for them because I was not there to get between him and the children and courts were no help I have pictures of the hand prints left on my kids in the form of bruises of where he had hit them with belt buckles and left bruises bad enough to linger for four weeks of bruises that his father their grandfather left on them that he was charged and convicted of even then the courts did nothing, one by one they ran away from him and back to me no one else would help them so they had to help themselves, I talk to my mother but the relationship is strained but I don't talk to my uncle I still see him though at family dos. I now have my kids with me and a new loving kind husband and I am happy finally, I wanted to share my story to let you all see that there is a way you can be happy you just need to be strong and remember that it is NEVER your fault that these things happen to you.




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Child Abuse Story From Wendy

by Wendy
(California, USA)

my child abuse story is hard to write , my mother was pregnant with me she left my dad cause she "says" he kicked her while pregnant with myself , 3 yrs later she met my step dad... long story short he abuse from that time til i was 14 yrs old. he stopped because he had a stroke and half of his head was taken out he nearly died and is paralyzed now , um the events that had took place are pretty much the same he would just fondle me as i got older it got worse he'd "Wrestle me down" and i would yell to my mother but would never turn she always turned when he stopped, his sisters all of them always came up to my mother and told her their was always something fishy going on my mother wouldnt listen and instead asked me if it was true, i always said no because she seemed so happy with him and she always say "you know if anything happens its your fault if your sisters get taken away , and it will also be your fault if some one sexually abuses them " so i never said anything , up until i got pregnant at 17 by my bf of 3 yrs i didnt quite say anything about the abuse until the day he was born . she imidiatly didnt look surprised but said " well its your fault because you didnt say anything before" surprised, hurt, and disappointed that she obviously picked him over me , i stopped talking to her she was to have no contact with me or my newborn son we only spoke when i would watch over my sisters, in may 2009 i had reported the insident of my step father to the orange county police department we followed with a cold call and he was later arrested in january 2010, that same day i found out we were pregnant yet again with our second child n right after my test i received a phone call from my mother saying she was gonna kill me she was gonna hire someone to murder us and that if i was was happy now that i reported it, i had hope my mother would come to her senses and get the clear picture that he had molested me for all those yrs, all those yrs i was never allowed to go anywhere i stayed home n watched tv all day n stayed a prisioner to my step father, she would say that i was not allowed to leave the house because people would try to molest me and i had to stay home,little did she know i really was being molested already by her husband, right now my step father is in jail still under going trial and waiting to be senteced his bail is too much for my mother to bail him out although she has tried to bail him out , since the birth of my second son i have not seen my sisters for more than 15 months and we so miss each other dearly they sometimes call me or message me on fb how there mother is with them and how they wished they lived with me instead because she is so hard to deal with , just so if anybody wonders why i waited so long was because then my youngest sibling was 5 she was laying down with my stepdad which is her real dad she got up while i called her for lunch n she was holding her groin crying i aske dher what happened and she immediately told me , after my son i told my mother bout the incident hoping shed leave him to the safety of my sisters and still didnt , right now im in total loss because i went to a lawyer to file sibling visitations rights and there is no law that has it so i lose , im not sure what to do at this point i feel like the devil won this , and being evil is better than being good because at the moment my mother is winning , my mother wont allow my sisters to see me because she believes i speak bad about her which i never have until i she didnt allow me to see them anymore.




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Child Abuse Story From Brenna

by Brenna
(Location Undisclosed)

Today I got in another argument with my high tempored, emotionaly abusive dad. And today physicly abused. He was yelling and shoving open my door to take away my possesions, I was trying to keep him from comming in but he is much to strong..he grabs me and throws me across the room on to my bed so strongly that my whole bed busted. I guess I can say im lucky for not hitting my head on anything..could have been worse but it was very tromatising:( I'll be sleeping on the floor tonight.




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Child Abuse Story From KM

by KM
(South Carolina, USA)

Grandfather molested me with parents in the next room: 
My Dad's father molested me on a vacation to the grandparents home in Florida. I was a freshman in high school from Michigan. I looked forward to the airplane ride and the vacation to Florida. It was an exciting thing to look forward to.

Once there, I saw my Grandparents did not live in a 'cool place'. It was in the panhandle of Florida. Not sunny or fun at all.

My parents were in one room. I got up to go to the bathroom. When I came out to go back to where my parents were, my grandfather was sitting in a chair away from everyone and pulled me on his lap. It was odd. I knew I was too old and too big to be on his lap. He was a weird guy anyway. He held me to his lap and felt me over my body. It was so horrible. I was torn between running and the fear of respect. He completely molested me.

I pretended like nothing happened and avoided him.

I ended up starting my period. I thought his touch did this to me. I would hide my bleeding. I buried my panties in the sand across the road in a ditch.

I did not tell anyone for years. Later, I learned he was accused of this type of conduct. He got away with molesting me under my parents nose. My Dad never addressed it. It was pushed under the rug.

I am 50 years old and this memory haunts me. I don't know how to erase this memory.




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Child Abuse Story From Misty

by Misty M
(Missouri, USA)

I post on here while back about my sexual abuse that I encounterd when i was child by 11 different guys from the age 2 to 14 years old. But now came up to a situation that i need some advice on something.

I have four wonderful children and I try my best to make sure my children don't have to go through anything i have gone through because they are so innocent i don't know if this sexual abuse but i believe that her father is not trying to prevent anything from happening.

I'm divorced and two of my children is my ex husband he despises me and he won't listen when i tell him about certain situations to keep my daughter safe. Before I go into the situation that happen i will tell you what happen when she was 3 or 4 years old.

Me and her father was separated he cheated on me and left on thanksgiving day for this female. One day I went to pick my children up from school, and preschool and i walked into my daughters preschool class and the teachers pulled me aside and said that she started to make out with a boy and i was like what because i don't them see anything well i asked her were did you see that at and she said that she seen it at Daddy's house i flipped and i jumped down his case and he told me that he did not see at his house and that she is lying and i said that at her age she will not make up something like that and he told her that she did not see at his house and than a week later he came to me and said that she did see there and it was his girlfriends parents and i was like where were you or your grilfriend at and than after they broke up two years later i found his grilfriends stepdad was on the sexoffender registery because he had sex with a 14 years old when he was 28 years old so he was charged with statury rape. I was furious for these two years he let this man around my children knowing that and my ex husband is the one that told me this.

my ex husband has a new girlfriend and this one has 3 children 9 years old, 6 years old, 3 years old, well on Sunday i went to pick up my boys from him and he said that saturday my daughter got into big trouble and i said for what and he said because her and the 3 year old was playing doctor and he walked in the room and caught them both pulling up their pants. He got unto my daughter and told her that she knows better because she is older than him because she just turned 7 years old. I have talked to her about the good touch, bad touch, and confusing touch since she can talk and i will ask her all the time has anyone ever touch you. and than her dad said well i talked to her about the good touch and bad touch. i was thinking what about the confusing touch but i did not say anything to him and i drove off i talked to my counselor about it because it was hard for me because it was triggering for me and I also called her counselor and told her so she is supposed to talk to her on Wednesday about it she is only in counseling because she is ADHD and she has a behavioral problem.

I text her father yesterday and said if you going to have our daughter at her house than keep an eye on her she has to be under adult supervision at all times because you don't know what her kids have been through and also it could be innocent or he could have been sexual abuse or currently being sexual abuse and My ex told me that quit blowing up his found and stop starting sh*t and her kids have never been molested or anything. I only sent him one text message and i told him that you don't know what those kids been through and he has only been with her for 3 months and i told him that she is not going to tell you everything.

I did ask my daughter about it and she did keep saying that she was not going to talk to me about but one thing she did say was that he asked her if he can touch her.

Yesterday i was looking her up on case net and than there was another name that popped up which we are friends and we have worked together for two and half years and he helped me move and my children have seen him and loved him to death. but i was like that can not be his ex that he was talking about i walked into work today and we started to talked and found his ex wife and my ex husband are dating and they are in engaged and he realized on thanksgiving and i realized yesterday but when i told him about that situation and he said that his 3 year old has done this before and that he will try to get the girls off into another room and do something. on thanksgiving day i went to my ex husbands family house and he brung her there with her children and that boy kept on trying to take my daughter into a closet or the bathroom and kept saying no you need to be in my eye sight at all times and her father got mad and told her no she can play right there which it was around the corner with him and no one was watching and i told her i don't thank so.

My opinion he says that she tells him everything and he knows everything about her than he knew what the little boy was like and still her and him did not protect my daughter and let this happen because they did not care.

i feel for my daughter safety because he does not care and he won't listen to me and i want to hotline them about this so should i go an hotline him because I have to protect my daughter some how i had no one to protect me when i was a child and i had no voice but know i can proctect my daughter and be her voice.




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Child Abuse Story From Misty

by Misty
(Missouri, USA)

I have been sexually abused by 11 guys since i was 2 years till i was 14 years old and than my uncle was touching me when i was 16 years old.

my step dad was the first one that ever did anything to me i use to watch him beat my brother up all the time and watch him spit in his food and put bugs in my brothers food and make him eat he would make me and my younger brother throw squeeze it bottles at my older brother while he was standing in the corner naked. he would make me perform oral sex on him and make me swallow the right stuff he said that was my punishment for being bad when i was 9 years old my older brother called the police and they came to the house and they sent me in with my step father a lone and of course he told if i did not tell than he would change so i lied to them when they asked me and after they left he abused us some more i was also sexually abused by two babysitters while i lived with my mom and than i moved with my aunt and our next door neighbor had sex with me when i was 10 years old and than my brother had anal sex with me and than we moved back with my mom when i was 11 and than we got evicted from our apartment and than we moved in with one of her customers from work and she became my babysitter and her father's best friend had sex with me than a month before i turned 12 i met biological father and i moved in with him with my younger brother and he started to sexually abused me and his wife would beat me with a belt and try to choke me and told me that she wanted me to be dead and tell me that i would never amount to anything or become anything my father wanted to get me pregenant and he said that he wanted me to have a baby to remind me of him and would make me watch porn and to get me turned on to be willing to have sex with him and sometimes it worked i thought there was something wrong with me and he would use to tell me that if i did not have sex with him he would die because he was sick

he had cancer and they had to removed his prostate which he would not be able to have sex unless he bought this machine which he did and he made me pump him up so he can have sex with me and the only that would come out is clear mucus he would make me give him a bath and he would make me choose to get the crap beat out of me or have sex with him and i chose to have sex because i was use to that and so he would send his wife to bingo but my dad was medically disharged from the military and he always volunteer at my school all the time. while i was living with him my uncle had sex with me when i was 13 and a Decan from church payed me to perform oral sex on him from the ages 12-14 years old.

while i was living with my father i tried to kill my self every day and i would hit my self all the time and i would cry every night especially after he leaves my room. I even prayed to GOD and wamted him to kill me but it never worked.

i was taken away from my dad when i was 14 years old and placed in foster care and i went to a foster home for a year with my brother and they could not handle my mouth or attitude so they gave us up but they actually showed me what kind of family is supposed to be so i was placed in another foster home and they was abusive and no one would listen so that is when i tried suicide to show them because i wanted out by this time i was 15 years old they put me in a hospital and and three weeks later they put me back with my foster home and i ran away and they tried to threaten me with juvenile and i said i was going to kill myself so they put me back in the hospital and than i was out in two weeks and went to a different foster home and than i wanted to go back into the hospital because i loved it there so i tried again and they placed me back in and 1 week later i went to a resdential facility and i was there for 7 months and i got the attention i wanted and i tried to stay in their longer they would not let me but while i was there i went on pass with my aunt and uncle for the weekends one weekend my uncle was touching me every where which i went back and told and they was not allowed to see me and i went to a independent living group home and stayed there till i was 19 years old.

my dad tried to contact me when i was 19 and told me that i was pregnant with a girl which i was pregnant but i was having a boy and i told him i did not care what i was having that he was not allowed to be near my child. He died when i was 21 years old.

now i have 3 children and I'm a single mother with a 3 bedroom apartment and i don't get no state assistance i'm in the military and i have a bachlor's degree in criminal justice and graduated from the police academy and working on my master's degree in psychology and after that i want to get my counseling degree so i can work with children that has been abused or females that has been abused or raped or going through a hard times in life. right now i work in a county jail and i'm a correctional officer.

I can say i'm survivor of sexual abuse but at times i'm so angry with my self for not pressing charges against anyone especially my father because everyone got a way with it and no one got into trouble

this is my story I did not go into details because i did not feel comfortable but i hope this is good enough thank you.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Misty Part 1

by Misty
(Missouri, USA)

this a letter i wrote to my father after he died and that time i wrote it i was still married to my husband now. and it is long too so i'm sorry that i wrote it so long this is partial of the things i have gone through and i don't feel like i have any feelings on what happened or emotions but i know this i can't speak about what they did like i can say out aloud yes this happened to me but it stops there when i try to talk out loud about things that was done i can't get it out of my mouth but i can write it down but i guss i'm ashamed did not have the guts to press charges against anyone when i was a child but how do they expect a 14 year little girl to get up on the stand and say yes my father did these things to me and tell everyone what he did so why couldn't they do it for me and press charges so he would not hurt anyone else.

I have read this to my dad's grave and what pissed me off is that he had a military funeral because he served 4 years in the military and he was a pedophile since he was 14 years old he sexual abused his sister and nephew and all of his children.

i have to write a part of it now and submit another one because it is too much

Dad’s Letter

Dad when I was a little girl I always dreamed about meeting my real father. I thought one of those days when I meet you I was going to be happy and I wanted so badly to always be a daddy’s little princess and to be spoiled by my daddy and I always thought I will have my daddy wrapped around my little finger and always wanted a daddy to put me to bed and read books and give me hugs and kisses and tell me that you loved me and you would be there for me when I needed somebody talk to. That is what I dreamed of before I met you. When my mom came home in July 1994 telling me that she ran into Uncle B-- and telling me I’m going to meet my father, I was so excited thinking I was going to be rescued from everything at least I thought my dream finally came true for once and I was going to have a daddy around. What I mean by when I said that I thought I was going to be rescued from everything, I was thinking that when I found you that you were going to keep me safe and I was not going to be sexual abuse anymore. I would finally have a family that would love me and give me the nurture I needed and a family that had money instead of struggling and wonder where we are going to get money to get food or where we was going to live. I thought it will be nice where we can finally stay in one place and not have to pack our stuff all the time and move. I told you that I was sexually abused by 8 guys by the time I met you. I even told you in details on what they did to me and you were the first person I ever told about any of this. Which all of this was surprising, because I would never talk to anybody about anything that has went on with me. I did this because I thought I could trust you. When I was a child, I have seen and heard from friends that we are supposed to be able to trust your father. I went through hell before I met you. I watched my brother get the crap beat of every day and we had to throw squeeze it bottles at him, while he was made to stand in the corner naked. I also had to sit there watch my step father put bugs and spit in my brothers food, then my step father made my brother eat it. My mother did nothing and she got onto my brother for back talking to him and getting into an argument with my step father. My brother tried to tell her what was happening. She said “no he would never do anything like that.” I remember that day as plain as can be. I remember all three of us children were sitting right next to each other on the floor; we had no furniture in the house. The apartment we lived in was a three bedroom. I do feel really bad about not helping my brother out, especially when the police came out to our house and I lied to them. It was my fault why we didn’t get taken away at the time and nobody would help us. When I lied to them they thought my brother was lying. My older brother was the one that called the police.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Misty Part 2

by Misty
(Missouri, USA)

This is what happened that day, my brother ran away in the morning before school. J-- went and called the police, when we got home that night, the police officer showed up, with my brother. Then the police officer sent me in the room, where my step father was, and I was in there all alone with him. My step father told me “that if I don’t tell on him than he would never do any of this anymore.” I was so stupid enough to believe that he would have change. I was 9 years old I should have known better that he was just saying that.My step father sexual abuse me since the age of two. He did it for punishment and for his pleasure to, every time I got into trouble for something that was my punishment. Where I had to either have sex with him, or I had to do something else for him sexually, for example, like one day I did something wrong and my step dad took me into the bathroom, he sat me on top of the sink pulled down his pants and put his penis in my mouth and he made me do oral sex with him. He will make me swallow the white stuff and I got sick right after that.I also had two guys that lived in Las Vegas, when we lived there they even sexually abused me. They were my baby sitters since my mother didn’t care who watched us, as long as she got somebody to take care of us so she can go to work. One of the guys I remember started doing things with me when we went swimming, and while we was in the swimming pool he decides he was going to lift me up a little bit from the water. When he lifted me up in the swimming pool, he started to finger me where nobody could see it. When he put me back down in the swimming pool he still kept on doing this. This is all I remember about him, but that don’t mean nothing. He could have done more stuff to me. I have blocked a lot of stuff out, because I have tried to push everything down in deep inside of me. I did this so I wouldn’t have to remember anything, or deal with anything that you guys put me through.
The other guys told my mother he wanted me to come over to stay with him, so that his granddaughter would have somebody to play with. Well that was true but he sexually abused both of us at the same time. I don’t remember much about the either.When I came back to MO, I went to live with my aunt. The next door neighbor, that I known since I was 5 years old. He started to treat me like I was his girlfriend. What I mean by that is when I went over to his house, he always made me have sex with him, and he also made me sleep in the same bed with him. This is what you would do when you are married. He didn’t start doing this until his wife left him. If I told my aunt about this, she would have done something about it. I never could tell her because I was scared and I was afraid, that she was going to be like my mother, who would never believe us. As I grew older I realized she is different than my mother.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Misty Part 3

by Misty
(Missouri, USA)

My brother started to sexually abuse me. I didn’t tell anybody about what he did to me, because I was afraid to get him into trouble. He was my older brother and I knew what had been through so I just dealt with what he was doing to me.I moved back in with my mother, we lived in a studio apartment. My mother just got evicted, so we went to use the pay phone. A customer seen her and stopped. Mom told them what happened, so they allowed us to move in with them, and she became my babysitter. The guy that did this to me was my babysitter’s father’s best friend. He started to have sex with me all the time, by then I was eleven years old.So that is the reason I thought you came to rescue me, I was still getting sexually abuse and thought once I met you it would stop. I told you all of this and you promised me that nobody was ever going to hurt me again. How could you do this to me, after knowing everything I went through? The first day I met you my heart beated fast and I was happy, finally I was going to have a daddy in my life. When my mom told me that I was going to live with you, I was so excited when, I started to live with you everything was fine. I remember that my mother and her boyfriend wanted us to go visit them. J-- didn’t want to go but I did. I was at mother’s house and they were planning on keeping me. When my mother went to take her shower, her boyfriend came over to me, he tried to make a move on me sexually. I got up and ran out the door, I went to the nearest house and called you to come and get me. I remember feeling bad because my mother got out of the shower, and I was gone and she didn’t know what was happening, she had no clue where I went that day. We had plans to go do something that night. I left with out saying anything to her, I didn’t tell her by, and I also didn’t tell her that I loved her either.I went back to your house, a month later we moved into a trailer right after my 12th birthday. That is when you started to sexually abused me. I had found out later, that when we lived in the house when I first met you. You were sexually abusing my cousin B--. Uncle T--- and B-- were living with us, until we moved into the trailer. When we moved they didn’t come with us, so you started too sexual abuse me.Right when I met you, I told you what I have been through. You promised me that nobody was ever going to hurt me ever again, but you lied about that. This is why I have hard time trusting anyone, even when they tell me that they are not going to let nobody hurt me. That reminds me of you, when you told me the same thing, but you turned around and hurt me. Till this day when anybody tells me that they are not going to let anybody hurt me, even if they tell me that they will be there for me and listened to me, or I can always count on them. I still have trouble trying trust in them. The reason why I’m like this because what you and my mother have done to me.When I was in a foster home for a year, they didn’t know how to act with me because of my mouth and my attitude. They called DFS to come and get us. They were the best foster home that I was ever in, they did show us the love and the nurture that we needed. I had a little bit taste of what a family is suppose to be like, when I was with them and it felt good. When I was leaving, they told me that “I can still keep in contact with them and call them,” but once I left they did not want anything to do with us, they have lied to me like everybody else has in my life has done.I remember you use to come into my bedroom every night and started to do stuff with me. There have been a lot of times I try to pretend that I was a sleep, so maybe you would have left me a lone. That didn’t stop you, I did that then and I do the same thing now with my husband, when I don’t want to do anything with my husband. I have trouble trying to tell him “no.” I figure I’ll pretend I’m a sleep and maybe he will leave me alone, but that don’t stop him either.I remember that you kept telling me, that you wanted me to have your baby, so I could have something to remember you by. One day you thought for sure I was pregnant, so you wanted me to do a pregnancy test. P-- would have found out, so you had me to tell P-- that I was raped by a stranger. She swore up and down that I was out there sleeping around with every guy. I would never sleep around with any guy. Till this day I don’t understood, why you did this to your children. I use to cry every night, wondering why you were doing this to me. I used to wonder why every guy made me have sex with them. Like when I lived with you, the Deccan from our church sexually abused me to. He use to give all of us girls money to do things with him. I always wonder if I did something that turned them on, or if it was my actions that caused it, and if I just attracted all the guys to me some how. I still don’t understand why all of you guys wanted to do that to me, or how did I run in to so many guys that was like that?I used to pray to god to kill me, I didn’t want to live anymore, you and the other guys sexual abused me, and it always made me wonder if I deserved this. I used to try to kill myself all the time to end the pain that I was feeling that you guys caused me. I thought that was the only way to end everything and I wouldn’t have to go through anything anymore.I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and I also felt like I was a sl*t even tho I didn’t want to do anything with all of you, but it made me feel like that. Even my body felt gross and I always felt that I was never clean, even though I always took a shower everyday.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

I hope you'll follow me on:


Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.


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Child Abuse Story From Misty Part 4

by Misty
(Missouri, USA)

What is hard on me right now is when my husband does want to take showers with me. a lot of times I don’t want to because it reminds me of you. You used to make me take showers with you all the time, or even when you had to sit down take bath because you can’t stand up for along period of time. I used to have to do that to with you and I remember I had to give you bath all the time.I used to take high heels and hit myself all the time when I get so angry and I used to bang my head against the wall to get my anger out and I used to choke myself, suffocate myself and I try to drowned myself or used to pull my hair to. You have allowed your wife to hit me and my brother all the time. You knew what she was doing to us. You didn’t even try to stop any of it, you have seen her choke me hit me. You and P-- always hit us with a belt. You have saw her hitting us with a belt all the time you seen her make me put my hand down in the scalding hot water, to do the dishes and every time I brung my hand back up, You allowed it, she use to hit me on the back or on the head. You let her call me names and telling me that I was worth nothing and I never going to get nowhere in life and nobody was going to ever want me. You use to tell me that she hit you all the time because of things my brother and I have done. You showed me the scars I still wonder if that really was true, or if you was trying to get attention. That was another way you got people to or even have people feel sorry for you all the time which you were really good about that. You also tried to use this to get out of trouble.Tell this day if I ever do have sex with my husband, I will feel gross right afterwards, I will feel dirty so I have to get up right than in there and go take a shower. I will do this so it would wash everything away I have always been like that, thanks to you and everybody else that has sexually abused me. Everything I went through sexually with everybody, it has made me not enjoy sex, like I’m suppose to, you guys made me feel like it was dirty.One thing I remember is that you use to make me watch dirty movies to try to get me turned on, you will do this so I would want to have sex with you. You use to tell me the doctor will tell you “that if you didn’t have sex, than you was going to die” and you would also say that P-- would not have sex with you anymore. I was stupid enough to believe you about this.Another thing that I have remember is that you always asked me, “if I wanted you to send P-- to bingo so that way we can get rid of her that night” and I said “yes.” You always asked me on what I would do for you, so I said “fine I will have sex with you.” I hate when you always gave me the choice either get beaten or have sex with you. When P-- always went to bingo, soon as she left, you would kicked my brother out of the house to go outside and play, so you can have sex with me. J-- always asked “if I can come out and play” you always said “that I have to do a chore first, than I will be able to go outside and play.” I can’t believe you made me choose between get the living hell beaten out of me, hearing her put me down all the time, or having sex with you. I chose to have sex with you, because I could not handle on getting beaten all the time, I wanted a little break from that once in awhile.I always could not wait to go to school, that was my safe place, I was happy at school but every time I looked at the clock, I always dread when I had to get ready to go home. I watched all the other children excited on going home, and plan on what they was going to be doing, but I could never do that. I always wonder if I had to have sex with you that night or get beaten that night by P--. I felt like an outcast and felt alone because nobody would take the time to understand me when I acted the way I did, that is the reason why I got teased all the time at school. I wanted to talk to a teacher or somebody at school about what you guys was doing to me, but I was scared and afraid to, I didn’t know who to turn, who I can trust.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

I hope you'll follow me on:


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Child Abuse Story From Misty Part 5

by Misty
(Missouri, USA)

When I rode the bus I always looked out of the window, wondering how I can escape from every pain that everybody caused me. I still have pain right now that I want to escape from, because I’m dealing with everything. Till this day nobody still understands me, I still feel like an outcast. I also feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I think I’m different from everybody, because of everything I went through as a child.I used to pray to my grandma which is your mother, I used to ask her to touch me on my arm or something to let me know if she was there, so I would not feel a lone anymore. I also wanted to know if she was there with me and watching over me. Right after I prayed to her about that you got your prostate taken out, which after that you could not get me pregnant anymore. That didn’t stop you from having sex with me. You just went out and bought a bump, you spend a lot of money on this, so I could pump your penis up. You had me do this so you could have sex with me, but couple of times I pumped it up too fast, I did that on purpose because I knew it will hurt you. Sometimes I just felt like hiding your pump. I thought maybe that will stop you from doing anything to me. When I finally got taken away I was free from all of this. I’m so mad at my self because I lied to everybody at first. I was scared, afraid and nervous, I did not know what was going to happen. I was also afraid of what people going to think about and look at me different, because I had sex with my father. When I denied everything that had happen to me, then I told the truth. They ask me if I wanted to go to court and testify against him, I said “no”. So they did nothing to you and that was my mistake, I should have told them the truth at first, I should have went to court and testify against you. If you have ever hurt more children after me, I would feel bad, because I could have protected them, if I told the truth at first.when you called me when I was 19 yrs old, you freaked me out. I was scared to death, you swear up and down that I was going to have a girl. I told you “I didn’t care what I was having, that you were not allowed to be around my child.” I do not know how you found out that I was pregnant, but I was surprise that I was able to tell you that.All I ever wanted was to have a daddy to love me, also to be daddy’s little girl. I also always wanted to have a dad to walk me down the isle, when I got married. Sometimes I feel a lone when I’m dealing with all of this crap that you have done to me. Sometimes, I’m still wondering the first year of my life if you did anything to me, you were in my life the 1st year and you did this to all of your children.Right now I’m struggling on what damage you have caused me, because of you and other guys that sexual abused me. I have trouble on being around men right now, you have ruined me, but I will work through this and I will get over everything. I will continue with my careers, which is the military, ----- Police Department. I’m not going to let what you done to me ruin my life for good. I got three children that I got to do this for.God probably let you go through all the pain you went through, God also probably allowed you get sick and suffer like you did. That was your punishment for hurting children like you was doing. I wish you have suffered a lot more than what you did.I will never forgive you for anything you have put me through. You will never be my father anymore and my children will never know anything about you, I will never tell them that they had a grandpa, you mean nothing to me. You can rot in hell for all I care, I hate your guts. You don’t deserve to be buried on the army base, or even have a military funeral, my children will never come to your grave.Today I still wonder what I have done to go through everything that I did. I still have some pain that I’m dealing with, sometimes I do hate my life because what you and everybody else have done to me. You guys made me feel like I’m different and I don’t have a normal life. I still want to escape from the pain, but I got three children I got to be there for.You and P-- always got on to me for crying, every time I cried in front of you and P--, I always got hit harder and harder until I stopped crying. You sit there and watch her do it. You didn’t even try to stop her.Sometimes I even wonder if you even loved me, because what you have done to me. you and all the other guys took my child hood from me. You and my mother didn’t give me the love and nurture I needed as a child, so sometimes I try to get it still when I’m adult. I have never done good with changes, I have trouble with all that because what you and my mother have put me through. Why couldn’t you be the kind of father that I needed back then? Why couldn’t you give me the family that I needed?




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Misty Part 6

by Misty
(Missouri, USA)

I found my sister C-- she has confronted P-- about what she has done to all of us children. She said that “you told her to do it.” What I want is just the truth, P-- told C-- that she beat the s**t out of her. It was good thing that DFS had stepped in when they did than, because if they didn’t then C-- would have died. Why in the hell you let somebody do that to your children. I hate your damn guts you are nobody. I can’t believe what you have done to us children. If DFS didn’t step in when they did with me, than I would have probably ended up dead, P-- would have probably went too far, she always told me that “she wished I was dead,” she also tried to choke me all the time. If she didn’t do it, than I would have probably accomplished what I was trying to do to myself.If you were alive right now, I would have beaten the s**t out of you. I want to just hit you over and over, let somebody do the same thing to you, that you have done to us. Why couldn’t you just let me have a child hood and lived a normal life. One thing that I have been thinking about, that I have been told “is when a female have sex for the first time, they usually will start bleeding, that is what they called your cherry has popped.” This is how they can tell if you’re a virgin or not or even if you are sexually active. I don’t remember anything about that at all and that makes me mad, you guys took something special from me. The only reason why I knew anything about this, I have heard about it on TV, or other females has talked about their first time and what happened, which I could never talk about any of this so I felt left out.I look at every body else how happy they are, and wishI was like that but right now, I’m dealing with the crap you put me through.
I’m so angry right now, because you was never charged like you were suppose to been There are so many charges I just thought about, you could have probably been charged with. I have counted at least 4 charges that I can think of, but there are probably a lot more than that.I really hate your guts, I wished you went to jail.I have so much anger in me right now, because you got away with it. I wished I got my revenge back on you, but I didn’t think about all this tell it was to late. I wish I was able to confront you before you died, but you did so much damage to me, so I tried to not to deal with any of this stuff. Now I have to deal with everything, and you are dead and that don’t help me out at all. I want answers on every thing. Like why you did this? I would probably never find that answer out. So I’m probably going to wonder why you are such a pedophile. I’m hoping I can get the guts and go confront P-- and asked her “if she knew anything about you, why you did what you did.” When I was in 5th grade, on the last day of class I remember that they asked us to write down on piece of paper, “what you want to do the most this summer,” than when you come back to the school next year for 6th grade, than you will get the paper back to see if you did what you wanted to do. I remember I wrote that I wanted to meet my real father. I actually met you probably about a month later. Totally forgot about this until I started to write this letter to you. I wished I never wrote that because maybe it never came true. I wished I never met you at all.I have been doing a lot better I actually can be around the guys now and joke around with him and having fun for once. It did take me awhile to get here but I had people that believed in me on what I could have done and what I can become. I didn’t think I was able to get this far but I told my self that you will not have no effect on me at all and I was going to prove and anybody else wrong on what they thought about me. You have turned my brother into what you were and my sister is following behind you guys. You damaged our lives but I chose to be where I am right now. If you have not done what you have done to me than I would have probably been a lot further than where I’m at. I would have joined the military when I was 17 years old and I would have probably be in a military academy for high school but I never got that chance to you and because what you have put me through I was scared to joined when I was 18 years old because I knew what would have popped and I was right but I’m dealing with it and moving on with my life and there is nothing that you can do know that can hold me back.
I have grandpa and uncle K--- in my life now and it feels really good to finally have a family because I have gone all of my years with no family. I wished I had contact with my uncle when I got married so he could have walked me down the isle he would love that because he would never be able to walk his daughter down the isle because she died 5 years ago because of drunk driver.All I wanted to have was a father in my life and I still never really got that but that is okay I got my family.I’m staying in the military it has changed my life a lot and it has build up confidence in me that I never had before because I didn’t think I could do a lot of things but I have proved my self wrong. You and everybody else gave me low self esteem but I’m learning to like my self more now and realize I can do anything that I put my mind to. I still don’t know how to explain my children about how you were and what you did and how come I would never let them go to your grave. Sometimes I wish I had a different life and wished that I was like everybody else but I’m not and I got to get use to that somehow. I will always hate you and I have never loved you ever because what you have done to me and I still have flash backs on what you have done but it will go away sooner or later. I wrote this letter so I can read it to you and hopefully this will help me get over on what you have done to me and hopefully I will forget all about what you did. One thing I’m kind of wondering about is if you ever regret on everything you did to the children and why did sexual abuse children every since you were 14 years old? What happened to you, to make you this way? But I guess I would never find this out I wish I could but the only person that can tell me is you. But you are dead.I still want to get my revenge back on you and your wife. But I know that is not the right thing to do. You may have damaged my siblings but you did not damage me I am doing good and I will keep on doing a lot better than what I have been doing I chose the way I’m living my life and not living like you and everybody else because I’m totally different than any of you and I will be in the military a lot longer than you was ever in. I still don’t know how you were in the military and were a pedophile and a child molester.Every once in awhile I still have some flash backs on what you have done and everybody else done to me especially when I did combative with the military and we had to sit on each other to do the moves and at first I did not know what to think because the guys were on top of me likes everybody else that has hurt me but I pushed it aside and I kept telling my self that I was safe and that nobody is going to hurt me like you did and anybody else has and finished what I had to do to prove to people that I can take anybody on after while it did not bother me anymore because I was not going to let you take over my life like you took over everybody’s life that you have hurt. I hate everything you have done and I hate you. All I wanted was a father in my life and I still don’t have that. This is one thing I’m still missing out in my life. I did not have a father walked me down the isle when I got married. I have not been able to call anybody dad in my life except when I was with you. And when I hear everybody talked about their parents and their memories when they was a young child I can’t because I don’t know what to say about you or my mom and I don’t have good memories about anything in my child hood all the memories have is about what happen to me and how I felt every night when I went to bed how scared I was at night and wondering if anybody is going to come into my room at night to have sex with me. But I’m hoping that I will erase everything when I read you this letter and hope this would be the end because I’m tired of hearing when my counselor talks to me saying when a person goes through the abuse and the trauma you have suffered. I hate hearing that I want to be normal for once and not to think that I suffered abuse and I had trauma done I hate to think anything about that so hopefully I can get what I need to do with this and I can move on for once.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Misty Part 7

by Misty
(Missouri, USA)

i'm single now but my husband did things that reminded me of him and he left two years ago for a female and like my couselor said that was a good thing because he would still be traumatizing me more and now i don't feel comfortable talking to him or being around him but i have 2 kids by him he will never sexual abused any children but he was always manipulative with them like my dad was with me and he did things to me like when i would pretend i was a sleep because i did not want to have sex and i did not know how to say no he would still touch me and if i move his hands away and turn over he would turn me back over and keep doing what he wanted to do is that normal and ok for him to do that i did not tell him no?

now i'm a single mother of three children and i got me my own 3 bedroom apartment and i work in a prison and i'm getting my master's degre in psychology and i want to be a counselor to help the children that is being abused or the females that has been raped or assaulted,

I also graduated the police academy and with my bachleors degree and i have done all of this being a single mother.

one thing my husband and i are going through a divorce but he is trying to say that i'm unfit parent because of my child hood and he is mentioning that i have been sexual abuse by a lot of people and including my father and so everyone in court is going to know what happened to me and i have to face that straight on somehow.

i'm in counseling and she was my counselor when i was in foster care so she knows me and i trust her but i still can not say what happened to me out loud and i'm not sure why i know i'm ashamed for not stopping it and i'm ashamed on what happened to my body. i think that would be all for know




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Thomas Part 1

by Thomas
(Location Undisclosed)

Repressed Memory: 
I had never believed anyone could have repressed memory until Nov 3, 2011. It was when I saw the video of the Texas judge (Judge William Adams) that spanked his (Hillary Adams) 16-year teenage daughter.

I told my wife I did not think it was child abuse, but what I did not tell her was I could only watch about 15 or 20 seconds when I had to look away. I had to also turn the audio down. That made me start thinking ,if this was not child abuse then why could I not watch the whole video. The image stayed with me most of the night until.... Then I remember “my” last spanking. I was 13 years old and it was from my mother. I am 53 years old and I had blocked out all memory of all of my abuse in my childhood. I never thought about my childhood.

My mother told me to pull my pants down and I begged her not do it. She reached for my pants and pulled my pants and underwear down and she tried to put me over her knee. I was old enough and strong enough to about knock her on her back which is about what happened but I kept her from falling back. My mother was stunned that I would have fought back. She told me to bend over the bed. I did not fight back like the girl from Texas did; I complied and bent over the bed. My mother let me have it with the belt over and over and I could hear the same sound that came from the November 3rd video from the teenage girl spanking. The sound that leather belts makes cutting through the air. I can hear it today as I did throughout my childhood. When she was finished she told me to stand up. I would not stand up; I was humiliated and embarrassed for my mother to see my privates. She yelled for me to stand up and pull my pants up and she started swinging the belt again. I did stand up but I also covered my front so I would not be exposed to my mother. She yelled for me to pull my pants up but I could not pull my pants up without keeping my hands covering my privates. She starting hitting me in the front of my legs with the belt until I uncovered myself and pulled my pants up.

The last thing I remember was her telling me to stay in my room until she would let me know when I could come out. I was to not touch or play with anything in my room the whole time.

The memories starting coming back that whole night. Most of my spanking was with a belt or a switch (mostly belt) and always involved humiliation as part of the punishment. After the bare bottom spanking was over, I had to stand facing the wall in the living room with my pants and underwear down. I was subjected to ridicule from my brother or any neighborhood friends of my brother that may have walked into our house. I stayed for hours. We had neighbors come over and I still had to stand there. With ADHD it was hard for a small child to remain still facing a wall and not turning around. If I turned around I was subject to more spankings or longer time facing the wall.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Thomas Part 2

by Thomas
(Location Undisclosed)

Repressed Memory: 
The physical abuse goes back as far as I can remember and continued up to around 13 years of age. Around (5 or 6 years old) I was also subjected to wear a diaper in front of the whole family as part of being humiliated. I had to stand there and be laughed at and ridiculed. From that day on when my brother introduced me it was "this is my baby brother". That experience was as much damaging or maybe more than the beatings were. That occurrence was so traumatic that it has caused me to have a diaper fetish my entire life. I hate it; how one incident in my life can control my very life to this day. It is something that I hate and I cannot get rid of. I have no idea why this has stuck with me and seems to control my life.

My father recently told my wife that when I was a child I would not let anyone touch me before eating, and if anyone did touch me I would have to go wash to get clean. I would keep my hands up in front of me and close to my body so I would not be touched. If I saw my mother touch any of my food, I would not eat it even if it meant going without food. I would not speak and only let my brother do all of my talking for me. My father told my wife I was a very strange child growing up.

I do not understand why this would not send up an alarm to my father when I was a child. This shows me today that he had absolutely no interest in me or for my safety. To this day I take 2 to 4 hot showers a day. It is not the hot showers, it is getting clean with the soap that makes me feel better.

What made the abuse stop? Drugs, by age 14 I was looking for someone to love and accept me into their family. I started using drugs and hanging out with the wrong crowd of people. I think my family was just scared of me. I can understand why they were scared, because at age 14, I did not want their love or approval. If I had been given the chance I would probably have killed them.

Around 19 years of age I knew my life was going nowhere. I saw my friends going to college making a better life for their selves. With a SAT score of 630 and math and reading level at a 5th grade level, no college would accept me for admissions. I was persistent and was able to convince a University to accept me. I went to my father who agreed to pay for my school but I would not be allowed to ever come back home. He had had enough of me, it was either sink or swim. I swam and graduated with a 4-year (BSBA) business degree and landed a nice job after I graduated.

I met my lovely wife after that and I am still happily married today (over 25 years). We have 1 beautiful daughter who recently graduated and has a 4 year degree (BSN) in Nursing. She is working full time at a local hospital as an RN. She is doing well and has her own place. I am so glad that I did not abuse her or my wife. I took all of the abuse upon myself instead. I am a very submissive husband with a spanking fetish. I spent my whole life making my wife happy and doing whatever she wants. I have a low self-esteem and cannot sleep at night. I have anxiety & panic attacks and take lorazapam for my nerves. I will not allow my wife or friends to do anything nice for me. I feel like I am not worthy of any kindness,which is hard on my wife. She has a husband that needs to experience humiliation and pain to feel loved. Can you image, how hard it is for her to participate with me in these desires but she does it because I ask her to. I am seeing a therapist who is working with us.

I do know that my mother's childhood was beyond horror. She was severely beaten in her childhood and will not speak about other things that were done to her as a child. She said she would take it to her grave .My father does not even know. I have been told that she was sexually abused during her childhood. This information was given to me from some of my Aunts and Uncles. There were other things that my Aunts & Uncles were not given information about my mother because it was beyond evil and no one knows except for my mother.

My mind has blocked out any encounters that may have occurred with my mother sexually. I do not know if I will ever recover them nor do I want to. I do know that I was bathed too long as child up to age 10 and that my mother did come to bed with me every night after I had gone to bed up to the age of 13. This was (what she said) to help me sleep. I did share some very, very bizarre sexual behaviors (will not share here) and acts that I did practice almost daily from age 5 up to 13. I did share the information with my therapist. I still suffer today with being close to my wife when we make love. It has been a struggle for us, but I am finding out answers. The therapist thinks that I was sexually abused and may not ever remember what happened to me.

All of the abuse came from my mother and my dad did nothing to stop it. He has never seemed interested or had any involvement in my life. To me the hardest and worst of all of my abuse was Neglect & Emotional abuse. I never felt like I was ever loved by my family. I was always put down and told that I was worthless and no good by both parents. As a small child I never thought I should have been born. To me this is far worst than any sexual or physical abuse that happened to me.

Today I still try to get my parents to give me their approval and they (in their mid to late 80s) will not. I am ashamed to admit that my parents still control me. They call me everyday reaching out to me for help.

They still see me as worthless and that my brother is the successful one in the family. My brother has very little to do with them or me. He was the child that was perfect in my parents' eyes. He did not suffer any of the abuse. He was never spanked not even one time. He was the favorite child and still is in their eyes. But if my parents want or need anything they reach out to me because they cannot depend on my brother and they know that I will do whatever they want me to do.

They think as long as they give to my wife and me financially they have done what they are supposed to do as parents. They make them selves feel better by giving us material things. All I ever wanted from them was to be proud of me and give me their love. My therapist tells me this is something they cannot give me and I will probably never get. They give me money because that is easy for them to do.

I am living the American dream. I have a beautiful home that is paid for, a well paying job, no bills, a loving and supportive wife and daughter...but I still feel like I am living in the nightmare of my childhood. I am letting my father and mother control me. I am still bending over and pulling my pants down for them. I want their approval so bad. I do not want to believe that this could have been my childhood. I sometimes wish these memories would have not come back. I am grateful that I have learned a lot from my past and I am more grateful that I did not send my past onto my daughter or my wife in the form of the abuse.

Darlene Barriere, you are my hero. Without your website and your kind words to others, I would not have reached out to get the help that I needed. I am afraid what might have happened if I hadn't sought help from a trained therapist. It also helps to have a loving wife and daughter; they are the ones that I live for. I do know that for me to have victory over this, it has to be me that I live for. We are taking it one day at a time but I know I have overcome a lot in my life...I AM A SURVIOR, I WILL MAKE IT!

Thanks

Thomas




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

I hope you'll follow me on:


Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.

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Child Abuse Story From Elisa J Part 1

by Elisa J
(USA)

Physical brutal belt whipping beatings by my uncle - I am now emotionally & sexually tormented: 
I don't know if anyone can relate to me. I am now a grown woman with a professional career and I hide my secrets well. At age 15 in the 1990’s I was sent for a "summer vacation" to stay with my aunt and uncle on the beach. I was apparently an "unruly" teenager and my mother needed a break. I never knew my father.

My uncle C-- was a medical doctor, and my aunt (previously a nurse) was a stay at home mom. They had 4 sons, all younger than me and they were a constant nightmare throughout the house. My aunt (with the "enabling" and I believe, the encouragement of my uncle, became a drug addict and an alcoholic.) Uncle C-- was in a position to get her whatever drugs she needed. He even brought home catalogues for her to order from. So, she stayed numbed out and I was supposed to be in charge of the boys (all brats). I know this was very bad of me, but I would sometimes sneak off and go to the local convenience store and hang out. I would meet guys who had always seemed to have pot and drugs. I only ever smoked pot with them and hung out.

One day, Uncle C-- pulled up and found me there. He was irate, to say the least. I already knew he was a mean and stingy man (despite his outward show of wealth). Whenever we would all go to the store, he would buy whatever the boys wanted. I asked for a candy bar once, and he said I was too fat and would have to work for it and would not buy it for me until I proved my worth to him. I may have been slightly plump at the time, but not at all obese. At any rate, he made me get in the car with him to go home and told me that I was grounded for the summer. That was nothing compared to the brutal beating with his belt that I received once we got home.

He told me that since I didn’t have a real “daddy” to straighten me out, I was going to learn my lesson same as he did growing up with the lash of a belt. He said he had my mother’s approval to “take me in hand” that summer. I was about to be severely whipped. This terrified me to no end. I had never been really whipped, just spanked by hand or with a wooden spoon by my mother or her boyfriend. This whipping was the 1st of many for that summer. I think brutal, unrelenting beatings with his weapon of choice, his God awful thick heavy black leather belt, is more of an accurate description than just a simple whipping.

(PART 2 OF 3)
Since I knew what was coming, I stuffed my jeans with a bunch of toilet paper. It was a stupid move on my part. He figured it out and made me pull down my jeans, but thankfully, I was allowed to keep my panties on. I could sense and feel the presence of the 2 oldest boys on the stairwell watching everything that was happening to me. I could hear their snickers and them trying to get closer to see and hear my whipping. I hated them for it.

I was made to pull my jeans down to my knees and bend over the sofa (I can never forget the smell of that leather sofa to this day) in his newly remodeled basement he was so proud of. I was so embarrassed and humiliated. I soon forgot about my panties showing when he slammed his heavy black belt upon my bottom with extreme brute force. You just don't know how bad it was. The instantaneous pain was beyond excruciating. I am unable to describe the actual pain, it was far beyond pain. God, that belt was so hard and so thick. I kept hearing him snap that belt together tightly twice after each stroke (like a snap snap) and I knew what was coming after each one. Over and over again, you can never imagine such pain unless you have been there yourself. The lashes were unbelievably shocking, sharp, and brought me more pain than I ever knew existed. I couldn’t cry and I couldn’t breathe. I tried to run up the stairs, but it only made him madder. At one point, he had to pin me up against the wall to take my punishment. Nothing at all compared to this.

He told me it was his job to make sure I remembered this whipping and learn to get my priorities straight. He said since he was a doctor, he knew how my brain worked. Said I would only learn my lesson if the memory of the pain was marked permanently deep within my brain. He was only doing it for “my benefit”. I tried to run, but he said I wasn’t going anywhere just yet and that we were just getting started. He went and drank a beer while I was made to stay bent over the sofa (I remember he had his own in his refrigerator in his new basement.) I was crying and begging for forgiveness harder than anything I ever begged for in my life. I remember that I looked up at the boys on the stairs and vowed to get even. It wasn’t their fault, but I needed to find a release for my hate, pain, torment, and humiliation. It was just so awful.

Over the next 15, possibly 20 minutes, he thrashed that belt down upon me full force. Sometimes he would throw me off-guard and just tap my bottom lightly with his belt and laugh, like he was lining up his exact target area on my bottom. Always to be followed by the angriest stroke he could administer. Mostly my bottom & thighs were struck over and over again. He was so strong and I kept trying to get away, but every time, he would laugh and brought me back up over the sofa. He would basically pin and straddle me with his thighs and make me promise to stay put for the duration of my lesson. He even made me move over to the outside back of the sofa and position myself with my butt higher up so that he could really lay the belt “properly” upon my already on fire bottom (said I needed to position myself correctly to get the full benefit of his belt).

I am sure I was bleeding at this point (when I looked in the mirror later, I was horrified. There were so many red, black and blue whelps and gashes that they blended together). He didn’t stop. Kept saying it was his job to straighten me out. Oh my God, you can’t imagine the pain unless you have been there yourself. With that whipping as well as the subsequent whippings over that one summer, my bottom stayed discolored for over a year. I even have several permanent scars on my “seat” area. I want to get the scars removed, but I don’t know how I could possibly explain them away to anyone in the medical field.

To this day, I don’t know how I survived that 1st belt whipping (he always used that awful black belt, same one every time). Even though some of the other whippings that summer were much more intense, this was a total shock to me that I had never known before. I would even later sneak into his closet at times just to see, feel, touch, and smell his belts. For whatever reason, he never actually wore my whipping belt as far as I know. The boys only got lightly whipped a few times with the same belt. I think that was its only purpose. To whip us kids with, and,most definitely, I was the main reciprocant. It was very wide and very thick. I don’t know how it could even fit into his belt straps. It was always hanging on that 1st hook in his dark closet.

It was so sickening and twisted, but I was drawn to it in a way that I didn’t understand at the time. This is so disgusting, but I fantasize about that evil belt to this day. I would even take it off the hook and try to whip myself with it in the garage away from the house, but it was never the same. I could not bring on the pain like he did. The neighbor lady even hollered out to me one day and asked me if everything was ok. I was embarrassed and acted like nothing was wrong.

So, over the summer, he repeated and I received many more of the above type of his belt whippings. Always that damn belt which still haunts me to this day. At one point, he gave me Pringles potato chips while he was on his leather chair in the basement watching tv. I was made to sit on his leg and act like I was riding a pony. At that point, I learned to masturbate. It was so sickening. I am screwed up for it ‘til this very day. Nothing has met my twisted needs since then. I vowed to kill him and lived on this fantasy for many, many years. A slow agonizing death, with my own hands. I came up with multiple prolonged, painful scenarios. Unfortunately, he lives to this day.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Elisa J Part 2

by Elisa J
(USA)

Part 2 of 2: Physical brutal belt whipping beatings by my uncle - I am now emotionally & sexually tormented: 
Many things happened over that summer. At one point, the boys caught the house on fire but firemen came to put it out. Of course, I was to blame as always. This led to the most severe and prolonged (belt whipping of course, never anything but his black belt) whipping of my entire life. It took place 3 days after the fire, but I knew it was coming. I can’t even go into details it was so brutal and seemed to go on forever. It lasted all afternoon with him taking breaks to drink a beer in between my “lessons”. I was made to stay bent over the leather sofa and await his return. You know what, I only figured this out just now. The reason for the delay must have been so that my punishment would be on a Saturday when he was off from work and had all day free.

God, how I wanted to kill him. My hate and revenge fantasies got me through the summer. Yes, it did change me and my ways of thinking, behaving, and reacting. Not sure if for the worse or the better. Life gets so complicated at times. I consider myself intelligent, but for the life of me, I can't comprehend the twisted dilemmas of my shameful disgusting needs and desires.

For whatever reason, I knew I could never make him suffer as he did to me. I was forced to come to terms with the best method of revenge is to do well in life. Today, I am a highly functional workaholic. Never married and no kids. I have unhealthy sexual fantasies that could never be and should never be fulfilled. He takes credit for “straightening me out” that summer.

All in all, I guess I am ok with who I am today. Severe whippings with brutal rape fantasies and all. Why did he not just get it over with? I sometimes wonder if he would have raped me, even just once, would these twisted fantasies go away. Today, I throw myself into my work. Unfortunately, when I feel weak or defeated or just want a release, I pour myself into other’s women’s unbearable miseries. I know this is not healthy. I have read pretty much all of the books available on the subject, especially the middle-eastern women in a Muslim society forced into total submission under dominant male relatives, with an emphasis on so called "Honor Killings".

Like I said, it is a twisted sense of comfort for me and conflicts me to no end. I can’t and won’t tell anyone of this sickness except for you via my being anonymous. I don’t think that I will ever change. That one summer made me who I am today. Sick as it is, I yearn for male dominance, rape, and pain inflicted upon me. However, at the same time, I know I will never allow it to happen. Never. Not ever. Elisa J.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From April

by April
(Texas, USA)

When they adopted me and my siblings from foster care, i was so excited. I was 6 years old and i thought that maybe i found someone who would always love me and my siblings. Up until then, i was like the parent to my siblings because of bad placements. But, i was wrong. After the adoption was finalized, they began abusing me. They starved me. They didnt allow me to use the restroom and would make me sit in my own pee. All day, everyday, i had to stand up for hours on end with my arms in the air. When the dad would get back, he would whip me with either his belt or a paddle. One day, i stopped crying because i knew that no one would listen. That i was just a small, insignificant being. They told me that i was a mistake...that i should never have been born and i would burn in hell. They forced me to eat horseradish and habaneros (a very hot pepper which would sting my eyes and skin.) after four years of that, i was placed into foster care where a 17 year old boy sexually abused me for year. But after everything, the memory that hurts me the most is the day that i realized that the adoptive parents didnt love me anymore. They had tried to force me to eat a full bottle of horseradish. But i wound up vomitting it back up so they grabbed me by the hair and shoved my face in it. At that moment, it hit me. I looked up at them, started crying, and said "you guys dont love me anymore." since then, everytime someone leaves my life, i feel myself back at that moment with the realization that that person doesnt love me anymore. I am 17 years old and i have virtually no one except my two cats. I eventually want a husband and kids but im not sure if thats possible. Im not sure if love can really last or if it will just always bring heartbreak to me.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From April2 Part 2

by April
(Texas, USA)

I've already posted about the severe physical and mental abuse my first adoptive parents put me through but since 5 months ago when my first boyfriend broke up with me, i've been having flashbacks of sexual abuse i underwent in my younger years. I remember being four years old and watching my 30 year old birth dad raping my 16 year old mom. I remember one time when he was touching me inappropriately and my mom walked in. She got furious and they began screaming at eachother. I waddled after them as he began backing her into the kitchen where he grabbed a knife and held it in the air towards her. I didnt know what was happening. I just knew the fear that took over my body. I got in between them, stretched my arms out and began screaming/crying "stop it! Stop it!" and then my memory goes blank. 2 years later, i was sexually abused by my cousin. Then in foster care when i was 6, an older girl sexually abused me as well. At age 11, when i was out of my abusive first adoptive parents home, a 17 year old boy would creep into my room at night and sexually abuse me. Since then, all the parents i was with either divorced or abused eachother. I've been having a strong disgust for my body and for men. (I've had strong, caring, loving women in my life who have shown me that all women arent sexual abusers so i dont have a huge fear of them.) But so far i've learned that men can't stay committed or only want sex or can't be with one woman until they die or they cheat/abuse/dont follow their vows/abandon their wife and kids. One of my biggest dream has been to get married to a loving, loyal, committed, faithful man and have children whom i can give the childhood i never had. Is that unrealistic? I've read that men are just biologically hardwired to think about sex all the time/cheat/imagine other women. I've never had an adult male figure in my life prove me any different.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Kevin B

by Kevin B
(Ireland)

when i was around ten mother locked me in the boot of a car so she could go around a fairground with her boy friend even though she was married to my dad.i started coughing after awhile and heard a voice asking if some one was in the boot but as my mum told me to be quiet with the usual threats iwas to scared to answer how ever i couldnt stop coughing i hear the person say get the police next thing they broke the boot open the police kept asking who i was there with i was to scared to tellthem by this time there was a big crowd around and my mother put on the water works put her arms around me telling the police i must of locked my self in the boot and of course i had to go along with it.i have nothing but memories of abuse becouse thats all i no with that evil woman.iam 52years old




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Kevin B Part 2

by Kevin B
(Ireland)

i could tell you true stories of abuse for ever there was so much pysical and sexual abuse in this family it allmost seemed to be normal.the worst thing was going to school in the morning.my brother and sister would always race to get in the back of the car so i would have sit in the front.see the mother was a very bad temperd woman who would pick the neerest thing to her to either hit you with.or throw at you.any way this particular morning she stopped at a t junction and asked if ther were any cars on the left i said yes she waited turned to me and said ware are they so i pointed to some parked cars she swung the hardest fist id had to date my nose was bleeding didnt feel good at all.when she got us to school she had this way of grabbing me by the cheeks and sticking her nails in till my cheeks was bleeding this was a threat not to tell any body what she did.she had grabbed my cheeks somany times people thought i had hackney.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Child Abuse Story From Kevin B Part 3

by Kevin B
(Ireland)

just like to say how happy i am with this site becouse at 52 years old ive never really spoke of the abuse from my mother and its only since the christmas just gone i got a computer when you listen to the abuse some people went through it amazes me how they survive .i no from my experience i had tried to end it many times for some reason sombody up stairs didnt think it was my time .i actually hung my selfin a garage when i was abought 10 this was after an incident with my mother.see even though she was married to my father she would be what you might call a women of the night see my dad worked alot he was a chef he worked 2 or 3 jobs he would never be there in the evening or the morning so my mother took this oppertunaty to go out drinkin and picking up men we wittnesed this on many accasions.with this particular time in mylife tryin to not get hit for some thing seemed impossible.so a normall night dad at work mother upstairs getting ready to go out on the town shed come down all done up with make up she would all ways aske if she looked fat in her outfit if you said no id get abelt for lying .if you said yes well idid that once thinking it was the right answer.i sufferd for that.any way it was early hours of the morning and she came in drunk there was my brother and sister and me in the one bedroom asleep not me i had some sort of radar when that woman was around she came into the bedroom and i blew of you no farted.she came over to my bed lifted the covers and said your dead tomorrow i did not sleep a wink that night i heard my dad come in this was safe for me when he was in she wouldnt dare do anything when he was in the house well a few hours later i heard him get up isneaked down stairs .i begged him to take me to work .i tried everything to get out of the house .he was not having any of it he gave me some milk told me go back to bed .see i couldnt tell him why id of been worst of well the time came she got a flakney stick this was a electric clothes dryer she bent me over the stairs and beat me with it .now my mother never spent anything on us but this day decided to take the three of us out for breakfast this wasnt right oh yeah it was she orderd breakfast for my brother and sister and herself but said id been bad so not for me i watched them all eating it looked so nice .i dont eat a great deal even now but i can remember that day like it was today.not only did she do that she took us all in the shop next door and bought them a kitkat.dont no what was worse the beating or the starvasion.when we got home i had to be locked in the bedroom .well later that afternoon may be early eavening saw the neighbour throwing out half a loaf of bread to the birds that bread looked like a roast dinner to me i climed out sneaked in the garden got the bread and started eating it .well didnt the neighber catch me i think back now i really couldnt do anything right.the woman took me home with the bread spoke to my mum that woman dragged me in sat me at the table put the bread on the table and said ther you go now eat and thats what she meant the bread that looked like a roast at this point half way through was stalehard to swallow the most discusting thing ever .wellnext day i put a rope round me neck in the garrage tried to hang my self jumped of the side that really hurt at that time i thought soon as you jumped you were dead .i was wrong all that i remember was a really bad burning rond my neck and i couldnt do any thing didnt the door open and ther was my dad well he got me down and i lied again told him i was just playing and it was an accident to be honest thinking abought it now with what i no now he was a bit stupid




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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E-book: Victim To Victory

From Victim to Victory
a memoir

How I got over the devastating effects of child abuse and moved on with my life

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