An Insight Into How The Abusive Family Operates

by Elaine Ellis
(Lancashire, U.K.)

I'm sharing this with you, quite simply because I think it's an eye-opener. It's still very fresh, and I've only really had a day to think things over. I suspect it gives a good insight into the workings of the abusive family, and the mind of the abusive parent.

Yesterday evening, my mother telephoned. Superficially, that seems fine. Most people's mothers 'phone them, don't they? Well... Yes. That's very true; yet I've tended to find that MY mother rarely telephones innocently. Anyway, things went much like this...

Mum: "Hi, it's mum. Not heard from you all week. Everything fine, is it?"
Me: "Yeah. Sorry, was meaning to call you. Not got round to it. Been busy sorting out at University. Remember, I'm in Hospital on Monday."
Mum: "Got everything sorted for that?"
Me: "Fine. It's fine. I've got a Laboratory Report due in, but my personal tutor has been really good about it. I've sorted out arrangements with her to hand it in later - when I'm getting better from the surgery. The University have been o.k. about it all so far."
Mum: "So you're o.k.? Not anxious or anything?" (This question now takes on a new tone. Prying and accusatory).
Me: "About what? Hospital? NO. What's the point? I've got to have the surgery, so might as well get it out of the way. University has been fine, so it's not as though it's majorly going to affect my work, or anything."
Mum: "So, you've got to be there early? Dad's picking you up at eleven?" (Dad is having to drive me to the Hospital, and husband is picking me up - my surgery means NO driving!).
Me: "No! We discussed this last week! Dad is picking me up at NINE. I've got to be at the Hospital for eleven. Can you make sure he knows that." (Horrified tone).
Mum: "... Mmm. Right." (Seems vague and confused). "Sorry. I wasn't listening. I was just eating some chocolate."
Me: "Whatever! Anyway, it's sorted with dad. So don't worry yourself." (Resigned tone).
Mum: "Did I tell you about cousin M last week? Can't remember. Anyway, Aunty J rang last night. Oh, no. It wasn't Aunty J - I just thought it was her voice on the 'phone. Anyway, it was Aunty M from Canada. Ringing from Canada! God knows why! She said she'd meant to phone me earlier. D'you know, her husband is in London?"
Me: "Sorry?" (Confused by garbled change of subject).
Mum (butting in): "Well, d'you think cousin M is gay? What d'you think? Aunty M says she thinks he's homosexual?"
Me: "What?"
Mum: "Well, Aunty M says he spends too much time with his mother. He seems really drippy. You know? Wet? Well, he never seems to be away from his mum. It's not like normal boys."
Me: "Normal boys? What on earth d'you mean? Where d'you get this idea from?"
Mum: "Well, he never seems to do much. And he has dance classes. Doesn't play football, or anything. Always hangs round his mum."
Me: "Hang on! That's not strictly correct. The way I see it, he has no choice. Who says he wants dance classes, or to always be stuck with his mum?"
Mum: "But he goes everywhere with her! He's nearly sixteen! Normal boys don't do dance. Look at your nephew."
Me: "Don't start that." (I don't enjoy discussions about my brother or his family). "Cousin M might not get a choice. It doesn't look that way. His mother clings to him. She won't let him out of her sight. Remember, Aunty J doesn't like the idea of M going places on his own. She brings him on holiday with her - he comes to all the family gatherings. And you can see it's not his choice."
Mum (thinking): "And his father is very clingy, too. But, still, he's very sissy."
Me: "Mum! You can't say that. Nobody has any idea how he'll turn out. But even if M was gay, who cares? Eh?"
Mum: "Well, he's not like your brother's son. He's a proper boy. He wouldn't do silly choreographed dance sessions. He'd run wild." (The last comment said as though running wild was something to be proud of!)
By now, I can sense that we are straying into the usual territory. A family b**ching session, with mum playing off one person against another. Whoever she chooses to pick on, WILL be found lacking!
Me: "Well, leave the poor boy alone. It's up to M what he wants to do."
Mum: "But your Aunt M in Canada thinks he's gay, too. And I asked your brother."
Me: "What did you do that for?"
Mum: "Your brother says he wouldn't have a kid like that. You know, your nephew is much more natural." (What on earth does that mean?).
Mum (continuing): "Your brother rang this week. We talked all about it. And your dad had a big chat with him about the strikes."
Me: "What? You mean the Public Sector Strikes? It's up to my brother what he does? What was dad getting involved for?"

Mum: "Well, he think's it's ridiculous. Why should the Private Sector have to suffer? After all, these Public Sector workers are earning a FORTUNE. Their pensions are massive. Why should they get it all?" (This said by a woman who is an ex-Civil Servant. Hypocrite!).
Me: "Not everyone in the Public Sector earns loads. D'you think I did? Or my brother?" (Mum knows she can annoy, as both my brother and I are Public Sector. Dad is a jealous Private Sector worker. He has spent his life moaning about his pension).
Mum: "But there are people earning thousands as pensions. Your dad says... Blah. Blah... (Here, I switched off! I come round to hear the following)...
Mum: "Well, your father thinks strikes are silly."
Me: "It's up to my brother. Anyway, not all Public Sector staff are in the same position. Us at the bottom, we don't get a choice. We signed up for specific pensions, and they should be honoured."
Mum (irate): "Well, your father doesn't think he should pay towards them."
Me: "Fine. If he thinks he can do without Nurses, and Teachers, and Social Workers... Fine. Could he survive without the Police? And Doctors? That's whose pensions will be crippled! People he CANNOT live without."
Mum (changes subject quickly. Her dig at me and my brother has not worked): "Well, what about your cousin?"
Me (surprised): "What?"
Mum: "It's odd for a boy. Doing dance, and all that."
Me: "Oh, please! Let it go. Does it matter what he's like?"
Mum: "Well no boy of mine would be like that."
Me: "Look, remind dad about picking me up at nine on Monday." (By now, I just want to end the conversation).
Mum: "And you've finished all your University work? Are you in next week?"
Me (puzzled): "I'm hardly going to be in University when I'm in Hospital, mum! Anyway, that's ALL sorted with my tutors. It's fine."
Mum: "It's just you can't let it affect your grades. Postgraduate study is hard, don't you think?"
Me: "Don't know, really. If I work, I'll get the grades. You needn't fret."
Mum: "See, we got something right. Two children with postgraduate study."
Me (puzzled): "Sorry?"
Mum: "Your brother did postgraduate, you know? He did his housing certificate." (This is utterly baffling. I know my brother works in a housing office. But he never even completed his Engineering Degree. He's done on the job training since starting in housing, but that's it.)
Me: "Mmm. He dropped out of University. Don't quite get you. Anyway, must dash. Tea to cook."

This whole conversation read as typical of my family's dynamic. The abuser places themself in the "controlling" position. Manipulating the conversation. The questions are leading. You are supposed to agree in response.

What mum wanted to hear was for someone to agree my cousin IS gay. That then places him in an unfavourable position when compared to my nephew - my mum's precious grandson ( and I use the word precious disparagingly). My Nephew, being my brother's child, is the child of my mum's favourite child. My brother was favouritized over me - now his son is favouritized, too. And so it goes on... If nephew/grandson is "best", then this makes mum feel superior. She gets this feeling by putting someone else (here, my cousin) down.

When this did not work, the criticism turned to me. Clearly, my postgraduate studies and grades would suffer due to my having surgery. A comment designed to instil panic, and to catch me on the back foot.

Again, this did not work, so back to the original tactic. Criticise my cousin. When this fails, try a new tactic. Mum then attempts to negate me as a person, and put me down, by falsifying a claim that my brother (who does not even have a Degree!) has postgraduate qualifications. In her own eyes, this makes my postgraduate achievement less; it makes what I have achieved "run of the mill". Once mum has established that I have achieved nothing out of the ordinary, I am devalued, and so by default, it means that anything I say is not of value. She can therefore ignore my defence of my cousin.

OK! So I have only briefly analysed an exchange within my own family - and only a verbal exchange, at that. But I do wonder to what extent I may be accurate about what is going on. And to what extent dynamics such as this are replicated on a daily basis in the abusive family.

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Note from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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