Am I scarring my daughter with emotional abuse?

by J
(USA)

What am I doing? 
I don't know if this is considered emotional abuse or not. But, I am doing it and really want to stop. I have no clue why I treat my daughter this way, but I have tried to stop and it just keeps happening.

I have three daughters. They are 10 years old, 3 years old and 1 month old. My younger two I had with my husband, my oldest I had with my ex husband. I was pregnant with my oldest daughter when I was in high school, but I finished half a year early so I would be done with school before she was born. I was not married when she was born, but I got married about 4 months after. I left my ex husband when she was 11 months old. He was physically abusive, which was not what I was used to at all, so I left him immediately.

I was fine with my daughter for a long time. She was the only good thing in my life when I was married to my ex. When I left him, I got a job and was going to college full time. I continued to do this, even after I married my new husband, until I got my degree. While I was doing this, my oldest daughter spent most of her time with my parents. I lived with them too, but I was either at work or school most of the time. Also, I started going out with a friend of mine a lot, so I was not around on weekends that much. And when I was I was so tired, (I think I was really depressed) I usually slept.

I think I started to resent her because of how hard I had to work and all the things I would never get to do. Like go to college away from home or have my own apartment all to myself. I also think the things my ex husband did really affected me, and I don't know for sure, but I think her being his daughter kind of made me think of it more...or I really don't know.

I do things like, if she asks me a question I will ignore her. The other day she went to kiss the baby and her hair brushing on my arm grossed me out. I am not really affectionate toward her, but I am to my other daughters. I don't scream at her or call her names, but when I speak to her it is very short and choppy...basically really rude.

The other day I thought to myself, if my mom had ever treated me this way, I would cry every single day. I sometimes hear the things I say to her and I cringe inside. I immediately wish I could take it back. I know I am doing irreparable damage here, but I don't know how to stop. I always suspect her of things, whether she did them or not. Or, if something happens, I think she did it on purpose out of spite (something I could see my ex doing).

Another thing I have noticed is, the closer it gets for my ex to visit with her (he sees her only once a year) the better our relationship gets. At those times, I can talk to her and be nice. I think having to talk to him on the phone reminds me that she is not him or something.

I really want to stop acting this way. I have tried many things and nothing is working. Can you tell me what to do? And, what am I doing to my daughter? I am worried I am scarring her for life, and I really don't want to do that at all.

Reply from Darlene: J, I commend you for reaching out in this way; it is the first step toward exacting change in your daughter's life. Having said that, my reply is intended to help both you and your daughter. Please understand that before you read further.

You ARE scarring your daughter. In terms of self-esteem, emotional abuse is the WORST of the abuses. Your actions are telling your daughter that you wished she had never been born. You don't actually have to say that; she already feels it. She believes she is to blame for the way you treat her. She knows you treat your other daughters well. She knows you've targeted her for abuse. Children are extremely intuitive. She can read your body language and your tone, and mostly, your demeanour toward her. She believes ALL of it is her fault. She knows that you compare her to her father and that you don't like him. She now believes she's flawed because of the way you feel about your ex; when a parent demeans a child's other parent, they demean the child's DNA and thus the child. Children believe they are responsible for all that is wrong in their lives and those around them. That is the nature of children.

J, by our own admission, you have both rejected and ignored your daughter in ways that will live with her for a very long time.

But it's not all bad news...you CAN change, and thus change the outcome...

Read the remainder of my reply to this Ask Darlene question "Am I scarring my daughter with emotional abuse?" can be found below.

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