Home
Sitemap
My Blog
Child Abuse Stories
My Story
Child Abuse News
Write a Commentary
The Lighter Side
Awakening
OpenSpace
Statistics
C/A History
Emotional Abuse
Types of E.A.
Signs of E.A.
Effects of E.A.
- Bullying
Stats for E.A.
Physical Abuse
Signs of P.A.
Abuse/Dis'pln
Effects of P.A.
Stats for P.A.
Child Neglect
Signs of C.N.
Effects of C.N.
Stats for C.N.
Poverty & C.N.
Sexual Abuse
Definition S.A.
Signs of S.A.
Effects of S.A.
Stats of S.A.
Sexual Abuse Victims
Male Victims
Female Victims
V w/ Disability
Disclosures
Sex Offenders
Male S.O.
Female S.O.
Child S.O.
Youth S.O.
Incest S.O.
Internet S.O.
Child Abuse Law
Age-Majority
Duty-Report
Intervention
Prevention
Stories of Healing
Exch w/ an Abuser
Visitor Comments
Letters from Readers
Link to this Site
Resources
FREE E-zine
Ask Darlene
Dating Violence
Privacy Policy
Site Search
[?] Subscribe To This Site

XML RSS
Add to Google
Add to My Yahoo!
Add to My MSN
Subscribe with Bloglines

Am I scarring my daughter with emotional abuse?

by J
(USA)

What am I doing? 
I don't know if this is considered emotional abuse or not. But, I am doing it and really want to stop. I have no clue why I treat my daughter this way, but I have tried to stop and it just keeps happening.

I have three daughters. They are 10 years old, 3 years old and 1 month old. My younger two I had with my husband, my oldest I had with my ex husband. I was pregnant with my oldest daughter when I was in high school, but I finished half a year early so I would be done with school before she was born. I was not married when she was born, but I got married about 4 months after. I left my ex husband when she was 11 months old. He was physically abusive, which was not what I was used to at all, so I left him immediately.

I was fine with my daughter for a long time. She was the only good thing in my life when I was married to my ex. When I left him, I got a job and was going to college full time. I continued to do this, even after I married my new husband, until I got my degree. While I was doing this, my oldest daughter spent most of her time with my parents. I lived with them too, but I was either at work or school most of the time. Also, I started going out with a friend of mine a lot, so I was not around on weekends that much. And when I was I was so tired, (I think I was really depressed) I usually slept.

I think I started to resent her because of how hard I had to work and all the things I would never get to do. Like go to college away from home or have my own apartment all to myself. I also think the things my ex husband did really affected me, and I don't know for sure, but I think her being his daughter kind of made me think of it more...or I really don't know.

I do things like, if she asks me a question I will ignore her. The other day she went to kiss the baby and her hair brushing on my arm grossed me out. I am not really affectionate toward her, but I am to my other daughters. I don't scream at her or call her names, but when I speak to her it is very short and choppy...basically really rude.

The other day I thought to myself, if my mom had ever treated me this way, I would cry every single day. I sometimes hear the things I say to her and I cringe


inside. I immediately wish I could take it back. I know I am doing irreparable damage here, but I don't know how to stop. I always suspect her of things, whether she did them or not. Or, if something happens, I think she did it on purpose out of spite (something I could see my ex doing).

Another thing I have noticed is, the closer it gets for my ex to visit with her (he sees her only once a year) the better our relationship gets. At those times, I can talk to her and be nice. I think having to talk to him on the phone reminds me that she is not him or something.

I really want to stop acting this way. I have tried many things and nothing is working. Can you tell me what to do? And, what am I doing to my daughter? I am worried I am scarring her for life, and I really don't want to do that at all.

Reply from Darlene: J, I commend you for reaching out in this way; it is the first step toward exacting change in your daughter's life. Having said that, my reply is intended to help both you and your daughter. Please understand that before you read further.

You ARE scarring your daughter. In terms of self-esteem, emotional abuse is the WORST of the abuses. Your actions are telling your daughter that you wished she had never been born. You don't actually have to say that; she already feels it. She believes she is to blame for the way you treat her. She knows you treat your other daughters well. She knows you've targeted her for abuse. Children are extremely intuitive. She can read your body language and your tone, and mostly, your demeanour toward her. She believes ALL of it is her fault. She knows that you compare her to her father and that you don't like him. She now believes she's flawed because of the way you feel about your ex; when a parent demeans a child's other parent, they demean the child's DNA and thus the child. Children believe they are responsible for all that is wrong in their lives and those around them. That is the nature of children.

J, by our own admission, you have both rejected and ignored your daughter in ways that will live with her for a very long time.

But it's not all bad news...you CAN change, and thus change the outcome...

Read the remainder of my reply to this Ask Darlene question "Am I scarring my daughter with emotional abuse?" can be found below.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Comments for
Am I scarring my daughter with emotional abuse?

Click here to add your own comments

Apr 30, 2008
 You CAN change, and thus change the outcome...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

The goods news is, you are aware of and acknowledge what you are doing, which means you can act to both deal with the situation and counteract the damage that has been done to your daughter's self-esteem.

But you need to act NOW.

You both need counselling. You, in order to deal with the underlying causes of your mistreatment of your daughter; you already have a great deal of insight as to why...it's time to get some professional help in order to deal with those causes. But it isn't enough to get counselling, J; you MUST exact change for the sake of your daughter. If you can't do that, you need to find a healthier, loving place for her. If you DO decide to place her in more loving hands, she must understand that the action is not the ultimate form of rejection. I don't recommend this latter alternative; but if it comes down to a choice between continued emotional abuse at the hands of her mother and re-building her self-worth, then over the long term, she is better off with people who will love and nurture and support her.

Your daughter also needs counselling. But more than anything else, she needs her mother's unconditional love. She needs to know she is special. She needs to know she is loveable. Right now, she feels she is unworthy of love. She is too precious to be mistreated. She doesn't deserve to be mistreated. Your daughter doesn't deserve to have a mother who blames her for all the mistakes that she herself made. Those are your mistakes, J; not hers. To blame her is to not accept responsibility for the choices you've made in your life.

I cannot stress enough that your worst fears ARE coming to pass. If you love your daughter—and I honestly believe you do—you'll run, not walk, to the nearest counsellor's office to get the help you both need. Find any and all resources that can help you along that path. You and your daughter are worth getting professional help.

Again, I do commend you, J, for the courage you've shown by writing me with this problem. I sincerely wish you both all the best.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Apr 30, 2008
 Grow up
by: Anonymous

You are very much abusing your daughter. Stop treating her like she is your ex-husband and stop blaming her for your own mistakes. You must realize you have a problem by posting your story on this website. Get help now with your anger toward your ex. Don't do anymore damage to that precious child.
Dec 19, 2008
 I know
by: Hannah

Your situation is almost identical to mine and my mother. She had me at 18, graduated highschool early before I was born. Left my father when I was 9 months old. I never saw him after that however and am still unsure of the circumstances for her leaving him. When I was 7 she had my sister, and 10, my brother. My emotional abuse started at 10. Shortly after my mom had my brother, my step-dad left her. I don't blame him. In fact I really envied him. I was subject to every instance there is of emotional abuse; outrageous expectations, aggressing, denying, dominating, invalidation, emotional blackmail, minimizing, verbal assault and unpredictable responses. I was constantly told that I was the demon seed. She wanted to have me drug tested at 11 and constantly accused me of being bad. I was a great kid, teachers loved me, her friends thought I was great and I never got in trouble with school or the law. In fact, my teacher in 7th grade recommended she switch me to a private school, because there was nothing more he could teach me and didn't think public school would help me grow. None of that mattered. Every day was an emotional hell for me. I sat and watched her praise my brother and sister and hug them, while I was constantly punished. I started dreaming or ways to commit suicide at 12. My journal was so painful to read and emotionally disturbing I threw it away a few years later. It has been 5 years now that I haven't spoken to my mother. I can honestly say I am a better person not having her in my life. I miss her sometimes, I don't even know why. I resent the fact that I wasn't allowed a healthy childhood but most of all I resent the fact that I didn't have a mother.

I don't care if you change for yourself. In fact it has nothing to do with you. Feeling sorry for yourself is pathetic. You're the one causing the pain, not the one on the other end. Change for her. Please.
Nov 04, 2009
 stop
by: Anonymousmariz

Ok.. The best thing and I know that would work for you is go to a therapist or family counsel and ask for help...

While your daughter is still very young, you still have the time to change until she is still at the age. Don't wait for the time that she will mature and grow up with emotional damage that can destroy her life- eg. alcohol, drugs, etc
Nov 12, 2009
 GET HELP BEFORE ITS TOO LATE
by: DONTEVERGIVEUP

I have recognised a similar problem but as a third party, by my sister in law.

She has recently stopped communicating with her sister (my wife) and myself when we didn't agree with her unfair demands for us not to see her ex husband and now her children without her. Which was confusing as she was happy for us to see him to help her get a fair divorce settlement, or to look after her kids for the last 12 years (we were almost like second parents to them).

The children have now stated to their Dad that they don't want or are 'too embarrassed to see us - until we realise what we have done wrong'. And she is claiming that it is not her stopping them from seeing us but what they want. But she refuses to contact us or reply to our calls texts emails etc.

We have now recognised that the effect of not only an acrimonious divorce (and textbook Parent Alienation Syndrome) but the years of dealing with the mood swings and emotional/psychological abuse of their Mum could be due her Mum having a Narcissistic Personality Disorder or in the worse case because she's a Sociopath.

We have witnessed a gradual behaviour change over a number of years and believed it was because of the break up and never attributed to an active conscious control by either parent also because, to a lesser extent, we fell under her plausible lies and manipulation. We were always there for them and set out to bring fun and happiness to their lives.

Their out of character behaviour and refusal to see us and our 4 year old daughter (who sees them as brother and sister and misses them desperately) lead me to research the effects of divorce. Suddenly all the studied effects of emotional abuse and personality disorders hit me like a lightening bolt of clarity. They are being abused!

Their Dad doesn't seem to want to recognise the effects of the emotional abuse we are witnessing even though he is fully aware of the abuse both his ex wife and my wife both endured at the hands of their parents (another story ? as is his borderline Asberger personality) - but he does truly love his kids and us.

I want to get the children, who I love dearly, away from their Mum before their lives are ruined to the extent of both her and my wife. As I don't believe their Mum will ever recognise her Disorder and seek treatment/help to stop her abuse.

If their Father refuses to do anything, what do I do? Call Social Services? Fight back? it's driving me crazy as I'm feeling I'm abandoning them to lose their childhood to this abuse, as they may be unable to feel able to ask for help from fear of the consequences.

If you see yourself doing these things, get help.

If you are a Sociopath (3-5% of men, 1% of all women estimated), my heart goes out to them with the hope that someone can step in.

Any ideas anyone?
Apr 11, 2010
 I Can Relate
by: Anonymous

I Do not usually leave comments on these kind of things, but here it goes. I have a mother who fits that description perfectly. I am 14 and it has affected me horribly. She is not the type to show affection, she always uses a rude or hateful tone, she ignores me when I ask questions and she can seem extremely resentful sometimes. She once even told me she wished she had never had kids. That, even though it happened about seven or eight years ago, still sticks with me. My mom is never home and is a single mother. She is constantly working. When she is gone all day working, and then she comes home and yells at me, it makes me feel terrible about myself. I was literally an accident when I was born. My mom did not mean to get pregnant a third time. It does make me feel as if she wishes I had never been born. It has caused me a lot of depression and I am currently in counseling. (The counseling was originally for sexual abuse from my father when I was three.) But, then this issue came out and it is what we focus on a lot. It caused me to be suicidal and there is a scar that is three inches long on my wrist from where I cut myself once. I did it because I thought it would make me feel better or get my mother's attention. That did not work but I learned a powerful lesson. I learned that I should be extremely careful about the way I will talk to my kids some day. Speaking from experience, I can tell you it will scar her. Especially if she has gone to the extreme measures I have. Everything is okay now, though. I have learned about faith and the bible and I draw much strength from it. I fully intend on growing old and leading a healthy life from now on. :) After all, where I am is only temporary. I am generally a happy-go-lucky person these days and I have only been going to counseling once a week for a month now. I cannot say it has helped my mother much but I have learned how to deal with it when she goes on her tirades.

Click here to add your own comments